feeling crappy again so it's time to vent

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my discord server is exhausting. there's so many people in it now and even though they're all mostly nice, i can't help but get tired

it's a lot to take care of and i'm just glad i have my friends to help mod it because otherwise i don't think id be able to go this far without a mental breakdown

but a lot of the stuff that people do

it makes me uncomfortable sometimes

but i cant say anything about it bc it's not technically breaking the rules and there's not really anything wrong with it, i'm just really sensitive and stuff that is funny to some people just hurts me

i can't tell these people, they're literally kids

most of them are kids and i cant get mad at them

i just have to be ultimate

not me

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finally had that talk with my dad

the outcome is that he isn't going to call me Noah

which he didn't outright say, to be fair. he technically said that he just doesn't like my name because "it's a boy's name"

he said he would be more likely to call me they if i can explain what enby means

which is basically like "unless you can explain your entire identity in a way that i agree with, i won't respect your wishes"

and i ended up not being able to explain it all the way because it's my fcking identity it just seems so natural to me

but he doesn't like being controlled. and he said he had made a connection from being made to do something and calling me by my name so that's fun

he isn't deadnaming me either. but he is just calling me nicknames that only mom really uses and i don't like it

whatever i cant do anything about it. i already tried to talk to him and he wont budge so ill just hold on for a few years until i can move out.

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filled out my driver's license application

and i do have to put my deadname on there so that's fun, not.

but it does now have an option for non-binary which is nice

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im honestly just tired

im tired of people invalidating me, deadnaming me and misgendering me just because they're not willing to sacrifice their comfort for my happiness

im tired of people in my discord server doing just enough to hurt me but not enough that i can say anything about it and just enough that i know it's just me

im tired of life being like this

sometimes i wish i were a girl

and that i could be confident in that and say "i'm a woman and that's that"

but its not

thats not me

and im tired of pretending it is just to make other people feel better

what about me, dont i deserve to feel okay too? why do i have to feel absolutely terrible almost every day just so that other people can be slightly more comfortable?

im gonna go play a game on my tablet to try and feel better.

also, i dont want to hear how my family will come around.

i dont want to hear how if just talk to my dad, he'll understand.

i dont wanna here how i should just tell everyone in my server how i feel

it's just not that simple

i dont have the strength

to deal with that, to deal with any of this

im just exhausted from being alive

im just

empty ig

whatever bye

- ultimate