Nervous didn't even begin to cover it.

I'd been standing at his front door for 15 minutes already. Still hadn't rung the doorbell. If he opened the door now and just saw me standing there like a silent statue, he was going to question my sanity. I was definitely questioning my sanity.

Taking in a deep breath, I steeled myself and rang the bell. The muffled sound echoed through the house, and within moments footsteps followed, getting closer, and closer, and closer...

Noah opened the door. My stomach dropped. His face was pale, the dark circles under his eyes made it look like he hadn't slept in days. I didn't know what I'd been expecting, but it wasn't this.

"Hey, come on in." He ran a hand through his messy hair and stepped aside.

My legs felt wooden as I walked past him. Normally, I'd be gawking at his house – almost as big as the one the party was held, yet infinitely more homey – but now all I could do was stare into empty space.

Was he sick? Was my overactive thinking right this time?

I felt nauseous. My nerves had stopped me from eating a lot for lunch, but now it felt like even that little amount would come rising up.

"Want anything to drink? Tea? Coffee? Juice?" he asked, leading me into a huge open space living room with a spacious couch.

"Just water is good." Considering how dry my throat felt, water was great.

Noah nodded and went into the kitchen. I heard the fridge open and close. My eyes stayed focused on the glass table in front of me, hands clutched together in my lap.

"Here you go."

A glass of water was placed in front of me and I muttered a thank you while downing almost half the glass. The couch dipped as Noah set down next to me. Silence stretched. I avoided eye contact.

"Look that bad, huh?" Noah said and I looked up at him instantly. He had a half smile on his face and was rubbing his nape with his hand.

"Yes. No! I just didn't expect–" I had no idea what to say or how to say it. "Are you okay?"

Dumb question. He was clearly very much not okay. It was the only thing I could think to ask though, because seeing him now, it was the only thing that mattered.

"I don't know. I should be used to it by now but..." He sighed and shook his head. "No. You never get used to it, I think."

Noah suddenly stood up, and started pacing next to the couch. He stopped, looked at me and frowned.

"Do you mind if I...?" He did a moving gesture with his hand and I shook my head.

"Not at all."

"Right. Good. That's good." And then the pacing continued. Several moments passed in silence before he stilled, as if he'd finally decided to speak.

"So, my mom's dying."

It felt like I just got punched in the gut. The oxygen in the air somehow felt thicker. Harder to inhale. My mouth opened. No words came out. It closed again. The entire english language simply evaporated from my mind. I had no idea what someone was supposed to say to something like that.

"I mean, she's been dying for years. Pleural mesothelioma." Noah looked to me and rubbed the back of his head. "It's uh, a type of cancer. Some days it's... especially bad." His voice sounded choked up.

My heart had never felt this heavy. I'd imagined a thousand things in the last two days, but this wasn't even close to what my brain had concocted. Suddenly, so much made sense. So many of his previous statement that seemed weird or unexpected crystalized in my mind. The way he thought about life and time and existence.

This boy that wasn't a mystery because he thought it made him cool, but because it was necessary. It was a matter of survival.

Because living every day with people looking at you in pity, would remind you exactly of what you're about to lose.

"Noah," I choked out, my hands shaking. "I don't-I don't know what to say. I'm so sorr–"

He shook his head, lips pursed together in obvious pain. "Don't. Please. You don't have to say anything. I just thought... you were right. You should know what's happening when I disappear."

"Thank you. Thank you for sharing this with me," I said, having to tell him at least that much.

Noah swallowed hard and nodded, finally walking back to sit down on the couch next to me. A part of me wanted to reach out and take his hand. Give him at least some physical comfort for the pain I could feel radiating from every pore in his body. But I didn't know if that would be the right thing to do. I'd never felt less experience in life than I did in that moment.

We learned so much in school, but no one ever taught us how to deal with loss. How to comfort others. How to make someone feel better when they were dying inside. Those were all things we had to figure out by ourselves. Through trial and error and questions and answers.

And so, I asked him.

"Can I... Can I hold your hand?"

He looked at me in surprise. I couldn't tell if the surprise was because I wanted to hold his hand or because I had asked him before intruding his personal space while he was at his most vulnerable. Maybe it was both.

Instead of answering, Noah scooted closer on the couch, took my hand in his and entwined our fingers. I gave him a tight squeeze and he squeezed back. We sat in silence then, but not the uncomfortable, awkward one. It felt more like no words were needed in that moment. That the warmth that coursed through our joined hands said more than empty words ever could.

After some time, he let out a sigh and relaxed, head leaning against the back of the sofa.

"You know, she's the reason I'm doing this. Trying to find love."

"Really?" I asked, even though in a way I had already guessed that.

"Yeah," he said, turning his head to look at me. "A year ago I was arguing with Tara. Told her love was bullshit and she was an idiot for still believing in it. I didn't know mom heard, but she ended up in the hospital a week later, again. When I came to visit her, she broke down. Crying about how she doesn't want to leave me alone in a world without love. That she's scared of the life I'd live if it was one where I didn't even believe in love."

And then Noah laughed, a choked up, frustrated laugh. "She was dying and still a hopeless romantic. Imagine that."

"She was probably just worried because she loves you," I said, quietly, realizing how heavy the word love actually was in his life.

Noah smiled that half-smile that could break a heart and nodded. "Yeah. I know. That's why I'm doing this. I don't want her to die worried about me. I figured even if I didn't fall in love, I could just pretend to, just so that she could be at peace." Then he stopped speaking and frowned. "Is that wrong?"

"No. No, I don't think anyone could judge you for that." I shook my head vehemently.

In all honesty, even though I was very much against lying, I probably would have done the same in his situation. At least he was trying to find love and keeping that as a last resort. A question popped into my mind.

"Do your friends know...?" After all, he'd said they were teasing him about the whole finding love thing. If they knew the actual reason, it didn't seem possible they would make fun of it.

"No. Not really," he shook his head and tilted it to the side. "I mean, they know about my mom, of course. But not... the reason why I've been dating so much. They think it's just an unhealthy coping mechanism or something."

"How long has she been sick?" I asked, and then realized I probably shouldn't be prying into that. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that."

"It's fine, I don't mind. It's been almost three years now."

"Three years? But isn't that when..." Sometimes my mouth worked faster than my brain.

"Yup. She found out after the whole cheating incident happened. That's why they didn't get a divorce," Noah said and shook his head, disdain seeping into his voice. "My dad's an asshole but apparently not the kind of asshole that would divorce a dying woman."

"That's so messed up," I whispered, not really sure how to process any of this.

Noah shrugged and gave my hand a light squeeze. "You know, you can ask if you have more questions."

I shook my head. It would take some time to even process what he'd said, let alone formulate more questions. Besides, seeing how tired he looked I didn't want to add onto that by giving him the third degree.

Time for a distraction.

"Do you maybe want to watch a movie?" I suggested and then my eyes fell on his Playstation 5. "Or we could play something?"

His grinned at that, eyes flicking from his gaming console to me. "You play?"

"Very badly, yes. So if you don't mind winning..." I grimaced and Noah laughed.

The sound made my heart skip a beat and I felt my body relax ever so slightly.

"You're in luck. I'm actually really good at winning"

"Why am I not surprised?" I rolled my eyes.

He beamed back at me, wiggled his eyebrows, and jumped off the couch toward where the Playstation and games were. After some rummaging, he held up one called Mortal Combat and I shrugged.

"Bring it on."

"I thought you said you were horrible at this."

"I did, I am!" I yelled back, excitedly.

Noah narrowed his eyes and motioned to the huge screen where I was absolutely kicking his ass. He was in shock. I was in shock. It felt as if even the characters on the screen were in shock.

"I'm literally just pressing all of the buttons." And somehow getting all the cool attack combos. Luck was on my side today it seemed.

Noah snorted, and then his hand was covering my eyes.

"Hey, hey, that's cheating!" I laughed, trying to move my head enough to get rid of his hand while still wildly clicking the buttons.

"This is chaos," Noah muttered but I heard the grin in his voice.

"That's my middle name, baby," I joked back and then the sound that signified the end of the round echoed.

I used one hand to move his fingers from my eyes so I could see. My character stood victorious.

"Yes!" I jumped up and thew my fists in the air.

Noah groaned and leaned his hand back, covering his face with his hands. Grinning, I did a little dance. I was so into my routine I didn't even notice he'd moved to stand in front of me.

"Okay, rematch," he said and bit his lower lip.

Shaking my head, I grinned up at him. My hands were extended in front of me, so I started waving a little nope with my index fingers. He narrowed his eyes and in a flash the whole atmosphere got instantly charged.

Noah grabbed my hands, and pinned them against my back in what felt like a second. His body pressed closed against mine and I inhaled sharply. His eyes widened, as if he hadn't realized what he was doing while he was doing it.

My heartbeat increased, suddenly I was feeling feverish. Ever so slowly, Noah let go of my hands, breathing quicker than a second ago. Or was that mine?

His gaze fell from my eyes to my lips and he leaned closer. He placed his palm on my cheek, his thumb gently brushing against it. Just when I thought he was about to kiss me, he frustrated the hell out of me by stopping.

"Can I–"

I went on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his.

Instantly, his other arm went around my waist and pulled me tighter against him. My hand swept up his chest and I rested it against his nape.

There was an urgency to the kiss now, an intimacy that wasn't there at the party. This desire to get as close as possible to one another had us tangling our arms around each other until there was no space between us.

And then, as we moved awkwardly, I tripped on the side of the table and landed flat on my back on the couch. With Noah falling on top of me. He instantly lifted himself on his elbows looking over my face in concern.

I laughed, from joy and awkwardness and the multitude of emotions coursing through my body. When Noah realized I was fine, he laughed along with me.

"This is the second time you've had me fall for you already," he said, grinning as he looked into my eyes.

My laughter slowly faded, the air around us electrifying again.

Noah brushed his fingers against my cheek lightly. I inhaled, my eyes darting toward his lips involuntarily.

As if that was a silent que, he leaned back down and kissed me again. 

HI LOVED! ❤️

*SCREAMS* Can we just talk about this chapter????

WHAT DID YOU THINK? 

Did you guess correctly what his secret would be? Some of you kind of did, or were VERY close to the truth. I hope it was a surprise to some of you at least. I threw hints ALL OVER the book, but I think I made them vague enough that it wasn't too obvious??

Anyway... *screams again* I'm so glad I finally got to this chapter. Like you have no idea how long it's just been living in my head, demanding I write it. 

I hope you enjoyed it. I know it was sad but there was also some cute fluff at the end there that I hope made up for it.

I'm gonna go eat now cause it's 6.30 PM and I haven't eaten cause my condition for food for myself was that I finish this chapter.

And then I'm gonna write and hopefully post the next chapter. ❤️

✨ ONLY 3-4 MORE CHAPTERS UNTIL THE END. ✨ (I say 3-4 cause it depends on the length)

Feels surreal that the book is almost done... I'll be writing NOAH POV Bonus chapters after the ending so you can start thinking of the scenes you'd wanna see in his POV. I'll leave a little spot in the last chapter where you can leave me the suggestions in the in-line comments. 

I also can't wait to finish this binge writing binge and apply for the Wattys (HOPEFULLY I CAN MAKE IT!!!) so I can get to replying to all your comments. I miss that. ❤️

Okay, off I go! EEEK.