Leon

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I woke up in tatters.

A week ago I had been allowed to leave the hospital, two days before I could leave my bed and go to school and earn more pity than I probably deserved. It was all anyone knew how to do. Feel bad for you. Apologize for something that wasn't their fault. I didn't deserve for them to feel bad in the first place, the liar that I was.

The confusion I felt for the events of that night, bundling up in a complete disregard for the fact that it happened. I had made up half the story, did anything happen to me at all?

Something happened.

Something had to happen, otherwise I wouldn't have just woken up, face down in a heap of the contents of my room all toppled and scattered over the ground. Lamp shattered. Clothes torn. Alarm clock beeping wildly for me to get up.

I pulled myself off the ground and felt as if my bones were splintering. A crack that ran up my frame.

Soft- the light that struck my eye falling in folds from the window. Hard the ground underneath my carpet imprinted palms. I wasn't hurt. I was healing, even. But the white cotton tee I had worn to sleep bragged slash marks the size of my hand. I was shaking. Shaking and shaking, beads of sweat coating my chest and arms and running down my hairline into my eyes.

I breathed, bringing in sharp gasps, feeling them flash like fire through my lungs. I pulled myself off the ground. Touched sweat-slick palms to my face and Stared blankly at the floor.

What happened?

A few minutes passed, and I finally gained the courage to stand up unsteadily, legs trembling underneath me. My life was falling apart. I realized it, squinting at the alarm clock letters, nestled on my bedside table. The sound of it scraping against my eardrums and vibrating throughout my brain, the time reminding me life went on. I still had to get up and go to school in the morning, despite all this... whatever this was.

I thought of the events of the last week as I splashed a cold rush of water from the bathroom sink onto my face, gasping at the shock, then breathing into a towel slung over the shower door. Almost to remind myself I'm still awake.

Coach's fatal words ate me alive, causing me to involuntarily wince even now. You're a great player, Leon. But we're going to have to let you go.

Destroying my scholarships and chance at a future in a single sentence.

Sentencing me to watch from the sidelines as my team fought their way through the finals and made it to state. Months of being left behind in meetups and maybe even parties. It was the only reason they kept me around, wasn't it?

It wasn't just about my injuries anymore, really. They'd gotten a new player. A better player. A recruit ready to take my place if anything happened to me, which apparently, it had. Coach was ready to jump in on any excuse to replace me.

I'd seen him play before. His name was Connor, and he was good.

Too good.

Anyone could see why they'd take him over me, especially now. I'd be years behind by the time I was ready to play again, who knows how much they'd improve by then. I'd be in the dust. Another forgotten friend on the road to a future that never included me. .

A sound of footsteps thundering up the stairs jolted me from my thoughts.

"Leooon, breakfast,"

"One second!"

Kylie pushed open the door and stuck her head out at me, blonde hair hanging down limply with the ends by her temples yanked back into twin butterfly clips, freckled face squinting at me. "Mom also said to stop throwing things around like a crazy person,"

The door slammed and the sound of her rushing down the stairs receded before I could open my mouth to respond.

***

"Dang Leon, I'm sorry,"

Elijah frowned, the corners of his mouth turning down just enough to mean nothing. The kind of frown that tells you one thing, that they're just happy it was you and not them. He reached back and scratched the buzz-short brown hairs which stuck out on the back of his neck and shrugged. "That's rough,"

I nodded, swinging open my locker door without a word. Let my head disappear inside, almost as if I was trying to block out his squinted stare. "Yeah, it is,"

"Heyyyy,"

shoes squealed against the hallway floors, the sound of locker doors slamming shut and laugher.

I piled books into my bag and slung it over my shoulder, before clicking it shut to reveal a slim, varsity jacket-clad girl with curtains of red hair falling over her shoulder, and arms swung over Elijah. His face wiped clean of any previous sign of concern, replaced with eyes for her, hands now wrapped around her waist

"Oh, hey Leon," She lifted her chin at me, a flash of rose pink stinging the air as she blinked her powdered eyelids and pursed lips stained a little too brightly, sticky red.

I nodded, and offered a quick smile. "Hey,"

She rested her head on Elijah's chest, himself grinning. Glory in his eyes as if he were the luckiest guy in Deadwood.

"I heard about what happened, oh my god that must've been horrible!"

"Yeah, I can't even imagine," Elijah gave me a sideways look, head against the locker wall still holding Clarissa, enveloped in his massive quarterback arms.

I side leaned against the locker and replied "Yeah," again as if it were all I could remember how to say. My head hurt, spinning circles and humming like the packed hallways of the school, trying so hard to process what Elijah and Clarissa had to say but moving just a little too slow, distracted by the movement and the noise and the dull throb taking over. Their voices cut me, hers a little too high, raising in pitch and squeaking like a badly played violin, his a little too loud and never quite the tone for the occasion.

I hadn't noticed before today.

Hadn't noticed the way every sudden movement made me wince, every smiling face seeming to morph into a mask concealing something much different underneath than they'd ever let show.

A hand shoving me from behind sent a jolt through my whole being. A playful push, and I spun to catch Jordan with his hands in surrender "Wasn't me,"

Laughter split the air, mainly from Kyle who lingered just behind Jordan, face slack but for the remains of a guffaw plastered on his lips, Jordan's wide-set eyes immersed in a sea of freckles faking guiltless. But in the midst of it all, the only thing I could feel was detached.

The two of them, for a split second held their faces in a sort of still-frame reverence, as if wishing me (who, what they seemed to say, was nearing my deathbed) their condolences.

"My condolences, bro,"

"That sounded brutal,"

"Pretty awesome though,"

"Even though you almost died..."

Their attention turned, suddenly, to Elijah looking over my shoulder at the two of them. Clarissa had moved to a tucked spot under his arm, and was peering out at us wide eyed and silent, attentive now to what Elijah had to say.

"You guys coming to Connor's after practice?"

"He invited us?"

"The four of us, yeah," He and Clarissa shared a doe-eyed look.

"I heard he's got a huge place. And an indoor pool,"

I glanced from person to person, eventually sliding out of the way as Jordan and Kyle came closer to talk to Elijah, as if I wasn't there. The four of us, meaning us guys? Or Elijah and his girlfriend?

They'd take his girlfriend over me?

I watched them, voices blurring into my surroundings until all I could hear was laughter, the background noise of conversation. Of course they'd take Clarissa over me, Connor had barely met me. What was the point of it anyway?

The group had already forgotten about my presence completely and were already beginning to head off down the hall, laughter receding, backpacks swinging nonchalantly and Clarissa's ponytail bobbing into the distance. Something in me wanted to chase after them, swing my arms around Jordan and Kyle and act like I belonged. Say I was coming with them too, maybe I'd make a friend of Connor outside of football, and they'd keep me around. Or maybe they'd shrug me off, leave me behind without a second thought. I'd make an idiot of myself trying to fit in again.

I stayed at the lockers and watched them go, letting the sad feeling arising take over and hit me like a fist to the stomach. Soreness wiped away any feeling of guilt, soreness like I'd never be the same again. Light dazzled my eyes, and I breathed. Just breathed.

What was I supposed to do now?

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A.N. Ever gone through this? It isn't fun. Loneliness hurts, but there's always something better to set your mind to than other's opinion of you!
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