Prologue

"Alas..."

Her icy yet soft voice again....

But this time, she said nothing more than muttering my name. Nakatalikod siya at suot ulit ang unipormeng tumatak na sa aking isipan matapos ko itong makita nang ilang ulit.

I lifted my gaze and her image started to fade again. I screamed and tried to run towards her but the next thing I know, I was panting on my bed at three in the morning.

"Fuck." I cursed and kicked off the sheets. Mabilis akong bumangon at uminom ng tubig. Hinihingal pa ako nang itukod ko ang kamay sa kitchen counter. Napakuyom ako ng kamao nang balutin ulit ng frustration ang dibdib ko sa panaginip na iyon.

I panted heavily. Then, I checked my phone for appointments today.

-Visit Dr. Realonzo

-Meeting with Mr. Lao

I grunted and walked outside of my house with no shirt on. Yumakap sa akin ang malamig na hangin. I sat on the rattan chair and stared at the dark ocean in front of me, knowing that I wouldn't be able to go to sleep again after seeing that faceless woman. The waves crashed gently on the shore. I could hear the distant cry of seagulls traveling in groups as I continue to sit and stare.

"It could be selective amnesia, Alas..." marahang wika ng doctor. She studied me for a while before she removed the eyeglasses from the bridge of her nose.

"Selective amnesia?" kumunot ang noo ko.

The doctor started stirring her cup of coffee before she glanced at me again. "Yes... well, base sa mga sinasabi mo, iyon lamang ang puwedeng nangyari sa iyo."

I sighed heavily.

"The general anesthesia can knock you off and make you lose some of your memories. But after a few days, you will start to regain those memories again. However," she chuckled. "As what they've said, you often forget the last person you were thinking before you undergo a major operation or an accident. Those few seconds before you close your eyes... sino ang iniisip mo?"

My crass mouth would've cursed by now. Hindi ko maalala kung sino iyon! Bagkus, inipit ko ang ngipin sa pang-ibabang labi at matalim na tinitigan ang sahig na para bang makukuha ko ang sagot mula dito.

Who the fuck is she?

"Well?" the doctor prompted.

"How would I know... her?" bakas ang pagkabigo sa aking tinig.

"I'm sorry, dear, but there's a slim chance to know her if you couldn't even remember her name. Perhaps you could ask your family?"

"My mom is in a coma..." my voice cracked. I cleared my throat at seryosong tinitigan ang doktor. "And my brother thinks that she is just an illusion. Something I've made up."

Tumitig pabalik sa akin ang doktor, tinitimbang ang bawat salitang binibitawan ko. Then she nodded her head. "Do you really want to know her?"

Inis kong ibinagsak ang tingin sa sahig. "Every day... every fucking day of my life, I live passively and by the end of the day, I feel like I've missed something huge. Something that I shouldn't miss. Someone so dear to me... I've felt like... I don't know. It frustrates me to no end. Halos hindi na ako makatulog sa kakaisip sa kaniya."

"But what if your brother is right?" panghahamon sa akin ng doktor. "What if this girl you're claiming is just a product of your imagination?"

Ihinilamos ko ang mukha sa palad sa tindi ng inis na nararamdaman. "I don't know..." I murmured.

"Well... she could be an ex-lover or someone who played a major role in your life in the past..."

Nag-angat na ako ng tingin sa sinabi ng doctor. She nodded and gave me a half smile. "Who knows? Baka makasalubong mo siya sa daan isang araw. How do you even know it's a girl?"

"I just... know." pabulong kong wika.

"Well," she shrugged. "There's no harm in trying to remember her, Alas. It will help you to sharpen your memories. Maybe you could gain back some parts of your life that you think you've lost."

Tumitig ako sa kawalan. "It's been five years..."

"Yes. And every year, you come here in my office, whining like a little child who just lost his mother in a supermarket." Tumawa nang bahagya ang doktor. "Alas... while you are trying so hard to remember this girl in your dreams... or in your head, whatever it is, try to live your life a little better, okay?"

Lumabas lamang sa kabilang tainga ang sinabi ng doktor sa akin. Wala sa sarili akong tumango.

"Ang sabi sa akin ng assistant mo ay puro mga canned goods nalang ang kinakain mo. You're an engineer, for Christ's sake! Puwede mo naman siyang utusan na magluto, hindi yung puro nalang instant noodles ang kinakain niyo..."

"I'm just busy, doc..." napailing nalang ako. My hands unconsciously raked my hair that badly needs some cut anytime soon.

"Mind your health, young man. You have your own house, car, a good job, and a few scholars that you're sponsoring. At your age, you should be wed and should've started a family already."

"I know..." I murmured and gathered my coat. Isinuot ko ito at sinulyapan ang aking relo. May tatlumpung minuto pa ako bago ang meeting namin ni Mr. Lao. Sinulyapan ko ng tingin si Dr. Realonzo.

"Mauuna na po ako..."

She nodded her head and smiled at me kindly. For years, she acted like a second mother to me. Ever since my mother got into coma, the only motherly affection I receive is from Dr. Realonzo. Madalas ay iniignora ko pa ito.

"Mag-iingat ka..."

Nang makalabas ako ay naghihintay na ang assistant ko sa may parking lot. Mabilis niyang inubos ang iniinom na kape at itinapon ang paper cup sa basurahan.

"Saan nga ulit tayo ngayong araw?"

"S-Sa Coco Pearl Beach po, Engineer..." mautal-utal pa si Krista habang nakasunod sa akin. Pinatunog ko ang sasakyan hanggang sa tuluyang makalapit at dali-daling pumasok.

She silently occupied the front seat and started buckling her seatbelt.

"Hmmm. Okay." I murmured and started the engine. Krista did a little briefing about our client's profile until we reached the resort. Naghihintay na sa amin ang kanilang waitress at iminuwestra kami sa kanilang balcony kung saan makikita ang dalampasigan sa baba at ang mga cottages na kanilang pinaparentahan.

I quickly scanned the surroundings, noting that the owner likes retro vibes. I silently admired the cherrywood floor too, as we walked towards where the couple are standing. The man already has tobacco hanging on his mouth.

A middle-aged man greeted me. Katulad nang inaasahan ko matapos naming mag-usap sa telepono, mayaman at makapangyarihan ang lalaking ito. He wants me to develop another resort in his newly-bought land in Lavigan. At ako ang naatasan sa design at construction ng naturang resort.

"Engineer Ferrer! Welcome, welcome! It's so nice to finally meet you..." aniya. Sumilip sa kaniyang likod ang babaeng nakasuot ng maxi floral dress at ngumiti nang pormal sa akin. "This is my wife, Grenda..."

"Hello, Ma'am."

She smiled at me and took my hand for a single shake before letting go right away.

"My assistant, Krista." I said shortly. Krista took a step forward and offered her hands to the middle-aged couple. Malugod naman iyong tinanggap ng mag-asawa.

"Why don't we talk in the balcony instead of just sitting here?" suhestiyon ng kaniyang asawa.

Kakaupo pa lang namin ay kaagad nang inilapag ng waitress ang mango smoothie sa lamesa. Mr. Lao glanced at me, smiling. "What would you like to have?"

"Just pancakes for me..." wika ko at itinuon ang atensiyon sa folder na dala-dala.

"Pancakes nalang din po sa akin..." mahinang tugon ni Krista.

Mr. Lao cleared his throat. "So, Engineer Ferrer, about this construction project, do you mind if I pick the architect? Or you have an architect in your team already?"

Umihip ang malamig na hangin mula sa dagat, dahilan upang mapatingin ako sa labas. The water is calm and in its crystal blue hue. For some reason, someone reminded me of the sea. Though I couldn't figure out who it is.

Isa din ito sa mga rason kung bakit ako nagtayo ng bahay sa may dalampasigan. The sea helps to calm me down. Kahit pa tutol ang kapatid ko dito dahil malayo sa mansiyon namin ay hindi pa rin ako nagpapigil. I have few neighbors and neither of them talked to me, making the place even more perfect in times I seek for solitude.

"It's okay, Sir..." ibinalik ko ang aking tingin sa kanila. "I'd be glad to work with whoever you are comfortable with."

"Great!" ipinagsalikop nito ang kaniyang mga kamay at dumiretso na sa mga detalye na gusto niya para sa proyektong ito.

Krista jotted down notes and listened very well. Mr. Lao wants a luxury resort in Lavigan that could accommodate up to 500 guests all at once. Malaki ang lupang kaniyang nabili kaya possibleng mangyari ang kaniyang inaasam. Gusto din niyang magtayo ng mini bar at pool sa loob. He wants a single penthouse and the rest would be room for guests who will spend the night in the resort.

"Have you ever been in Santorini, Greece, Engineer?"

"Greece?" I blinked. Lumilipad ang isipan ko. I silently cursed and immediately composed myself. "No, Sir."

"Well, you should visit some time! We've spent our first honeymoon in Santorini and the place is really magnificent. I want you to take a look at these pictures..."

Nagsimula na siyang maglahad ng mga sikat na beach resorts sa Santorini, Greece. Pinagmasdan ko ito at kaagad kinalkula sa aking isipan kung ano ang pwedeng mga materyales na gagamitin o kung mag-iimport pa ba kami galing sa ibang bansa.

Habang nagsasalita siya ay nahagip ang tingin ko sa dalampasigan. A young woman in a yellow sundress is running towards the shade, pressing her straw hat on her head upang hindi ito liparin ng hangin. Wala siyang suot na kung anumang sapatos.

Something inside of me turned. Sinundan ko ng tingin ang babae. Nang makarating na siya sa cottage ay tinanggal niya ang straw hat sa ulo at inilapag ito sa lamesa. Sinikop niya ang kaniyang mataas na buhok at itinali.

My mind suddenly recalled a blurred interaction with a brown-haired beauty, some time in my life back then. Her image remained inside of my head, though faceless, it's vivid and fresh.

That familiar nape of her neck...

Biglang sumikip ang dibdib ko sa kaba, sakit, at biglaang pagkalungkot. Hindi ko maipaliwanag iyon. I guess the pain is evident on my face because of Mr. Lao's wary look.

"Engineer?"

Tulala akong nakatingin sa kaniya. The woman grabbed her bag and shoved the straw hat inside. Tapos ay nagsimula na naman ulit itong maglakad palayo.

Bigla akong napatayo sa aking upuan.

"Engineer Ferrer!"

I blinked. Everyone's already staring at me. I heaved a heavy breath and clench my fists. Alam kong matigas na titig ang ipinapataw ko sa kanilang lahat ngunit hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko.

"I'm sorry." Hinging paumanhin ko at bumalik na sa pagkakaupo. "Where were we again?"

Siningkitan ako ng mata ni Mr. Lao, umiling at bahagyang natawa sa aking inakto. Nagpatuloy siya sa pagsasalita. Nang balingan ko ang cottage sa baba ay hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko nang makitang wala na ang babae.

I was exhausted when we got home from the meeting that day. Tahimik lang din si Krista sa loob ng sasakyan at walang sinabi hanggang sa i-drop ko siya sa sakayan ng bus.

"Salamat po, Engineer."

I nodded and she closed the car door gently. I stepped on the accelerator and sped down the road, my mind racing. Bumabalik ulit ang aking isipan sa babaeng nakita ko kanina sa resort.

For some reason, I felt like I know her for a long time. Her presence alone is drawing me near.

I grunted and stopped at the convenience store. After picking up a few beers and pizza, I headed home.

Dire-diretso ang pasok ko sa bahay dala-dala ang pinamili. I removed my coat and loosened my tie before I sat on my desk. Itinapon ko sa sahig ang hinubad na puting undershirt at bumuntong-hininga.

Tamad akong tumayo at nagtungo sa madilim na kusina. The room grew darker as the night passed by. The black marble kitchen counter glistened in the dark. I didn't bother turning on the lights.

Nang mahagip ang dibdib ko sa repleksiyon ng French-door refrigerator ay sumilip ang mga tattoo'ng umukupa sa buo kong dibdib at naglakbay sa kaliwa kong braso. Huminto lamang ito sa gitna, sapat na upang takpan ng nakasanayang undershirt at coat na lagi kong suot araw-araw.

Nagsalin ako ng tubig mula sa pitcher at tinungga iyon. Then I gathered some ice cubes and placed it in a tall glass before I went back to my room. The silence made my footsteps echoed louder. Malamig ang buong bahay. I must've left the air-conditioner in full blast.

Marahas kong kinuha ang beer in can at tumungga. I poured the rest in the glass and set it aside. Then I stared at all the drawings I've pinned to my wall for all these years. I raked a hand over my hair, frustration eating me up. Sinabunutan ko pa ang aking buhok sa ikalawang beses na pinasadahan ng mga kamay ko ang mga hibla at napamura nang malakas.

Still the same girl...

I closed my eyes for a while then I grabbed my pencil before I started sketching her. I want to remember every little detail. Ang abot beywang niyang buhok, ang maputing balat, ang suot niyang bestida, at ang paghawak niya sa straw hat sa kaniyang ulo. I noticed that she's barefoot, too. Bare feet digging in the sand ... it never appealed sexy to me until now.

I sketched, ripped some papers, started sketching again, and ripped some more. Tatlong beer in can na ang naaubos ko bago ako tumigil. I stared at the newest sketch in front of me.

"Damn." I muttered and closed my eyes, feeling sad all of a sudden. Just like the rest of the nights I have been spending in the last few years since I've moved here, tears threatened to burn in the back of my eyes. "Who are you?"