Everything was changing and Maddie wasn't sure she could keep up with the way the world seemed to be spinning a little faster. Her life had fallen out of balance in the space of a few days, throwing pieces far and wide, and she didn't know which she should pick up and glue back together and which would be better off as a hole. Yesterday had seemed surreal, passing in slow motion as she and her father had muddled along in discordant harmony. Nine o'clock had come as a relief, finally an accetable time to go to bed. She had tucked up with a glass of water and a classical playlist. After an hour of tossing and turning, she had eventually drifted off.

Now, refreshed and showered, she sat cross-legged on her bed with a glass of blackcurrant squash on her side table and her laptop in front of her, patiently waiting as it read the disc of Friends episodes she had just put in. The show had been her comfort blanket ever since she was ten, tucking up to watch it on E4 while her father cooked supper. When she was young, no matter how bad a day she'd had, the show could always cheer her up. She felt a kinship with each of the characters, somehow relating her own life to their situations even before she had started high school.

An hour and a half ago, she had decided to restart the season from the very start and now, hovering over play for 'The One with the East German Laundry Detergent," she had yet to move position. Her father was in the shower, still a shadow of the man she was used to, and it pained her to be around him when there was nothing she could possibly say to lift his spirits. It had hit too close to home for him, not ready to say goodbye to someone else who wished for something other than life.

Maddie wrapped her favourite blanket around her shoulders and snuggled back against her headboard, nestling between the pillows and cushions that littered her bed. A few stuffed animals sat at crooked angles beside her, the few that had survived the years and fought off the competition for a place on the bed. One had belonged to her mother. She couldn't remember being given it, but her father had told her that her mother had wanted her to have it. Never before had she thought much about it, the worn bear with faded glassy eyes, but now everything had a different tilt to its definition.

Nothing else had been passed down to Maddie. A note and a bear, and a striking resemblance that sometimes made her father look twice. She curled a hand around the teddy, pulling it onto her lap as she settled in for her fifth episode. The TV show whisked her away to nineties New York, and for just a second she felt invincible.

*

Halfway through the sixth episode, her phone buzzed beneath her thigh and she caught her breath, slowly reaching for it and scalding herself for the hope that it might be Peter. Of course it wasn't. For two days now, she hadn't heard a word from him. Any other time it would mean nothing but now, it meant the world.

The text that popped onto her screen was from Posy, words swallowed by punctuation.

Maddie's thumbs worked on automatic to type out the response that she didn't want to have to think about, words appearing that she wasn't telling herself to type, and she hit send.

The blunt fact of it pained her, and she clenched her teeth against the raw truth. She regretted every moment that she had spent hating her cousin, when all it could have done was contribute to his hatred of himself. All of her Friends bingeing was fruitless now that her brain was working on overdrive, churning up every single time she could recall badmouthing Ryan. Too many to count.

It wasn't ok. That was a lie. That was the most obvious lie of them all, the two words she spoke the most yet each time they were false.  

She put her phone face down and turned away from it, closing her eyes tight and trying to remember what her father had reminded her over and over. Everything would be ok. She wanted to talk to Ryan, to confirm that he was alive and that no, of course it was all a big misunderstanding. Of course he didn't want to end his life. She could picture him laughing at her as though she was the dumbest person alive, and for the first time it was a comfort.

She pushed her phone away and exchanged it for her drink, savouring the sweet fruit and hitting play once more. Her head was doing too much work right now, fixating on Ryan and her mother and Peter, the people who had let her down. The people she didn't want to blame but she couldn't help it. There was nothing her mother could do now, six feet under and a million miles away, and there was nothing she expected Ryan could ever do.

But Peter could say sorry. That was all she wanted. She was ready to forgive him, if only he would give her the chance.

*

It was only when she finished her tenth episode, and had long since finished her drink, that Maddie realised it was time to pull herself together and leave her room. Heavy feet dragged her to her door and with an almighty yawn, she pushed it open. At least today she had bothered to put clothes on, albeit only a button-down dress. Wooly socks wrinkled around her ankles and as she left, she took a zip-up hoodie from the back of her door to warm her arms.

Jung-min stood by the open back door in the kitchen, facing out over the square of garden that he adored as he talked in hushed tones to the mobile held up to his ear. Maddie couldn't help but listen, straining her ears to catch a murmur of her father's soft voice. It wasn't easy. Especially when she flicked the switch of the kettle and the bubbling of boiling water drowned him out. He slipped outside, pulling the door shut behind him, and the corners of Maddie's mouth fell.

It was nothing personal. She knew that.

A fresh mug of steaming Earl Grey in her hands, warming her chilly skin, she sat at the table and waited for her father to return. It wasn't like him to have private conversations away from her: every call he took originated from his work or his sister-in-law. He wasn't the kind of man to have many friends. Never had he been the type to chat over a beer with the guys from work, far more likely to go straight home and watch a film with his daughter.

When Maddie was halfway done with her tea, slowly sipping as her mind whizzed through her thoughts at a dizzying speed, her father returned. He tucked his phone into the front pocket of his trousers and adjusted his glasses on his nose.

"I made you a drink," she said, indicating the mug on the counter. "Tea."

"Thank you, Maddie." He picked up the mug and sipped it as though checking the truth of her words, before he took a seat at the table.

"Who was that?"

"Your imo." His posture had changed. Not in that moment, but in the moments preceding it. Two days ago, and every day before that, he sat with a straight back and crisp shoulders but now, a curve had found its way into his spine and he sat with a slouch as though the weight on his shoulders was breaking him. He didn't seem to have the energy to elaborate any further and Maddie felt guilty for asking questions, but the feeling was overridden by her curiosity and concern.

"Is everything ok?"

Jung-min nodded. "I rang," he said. "I wanted to check in and see if there's anything we can do for them. I just wanted them to know that we're here if they need us." He shook his head, torturing himself with hypotheticals. Too many what ifs crowded the space between him and Maddie and he rested his elbows on the table, resting his eyes as he inhaled the aroma of warm tea.

"Is there anything we can do?"

"Not really, ttal. Not really. I think she is still trying to understand a lot of things. I don't think she understands."

Maddie's voice dropped as she said, "Neither do I."

Her father gave her a watery smile. "Ryan will be home tomorrow," he said. "Everything will be alright."

There was no promise in his words. Only hope.

*

Lunchtime came and went, fifteen minutes during which Maddie picked grapes off their stems and her father addressed emails while he ate a halfhearted sandwich. Saturdays weren't supposed to feel like this. It was meant to be the best day of the week, when she had no commitments and her father didn't have to be at work, a day when they could go out for brunch together or she could see her friends. Sometimes they would travel a little further afield to explore parts of their own county that they hardly knew; sometimes they would venture no further than their own back garden. But there was always something to do. Always something that needed doing. Right now, Maddie was struggling to find the motivation to move from the kitchen table.

Just as she was thinking about heading back to her room to lie in comfort as she continued with the first season of Friends, the doorbell rang. Both she and her father were jolted into reality at the sound, and Maddie was the first to stand.

"I'll get it."

Jung-min nodded, eyes on Maddie for just a moment before they fell back to his screen.

Maddie headed to the hallway, pushing a pair of her shoes to the side when she tripped over them, and she twisted the handle without even trying to distinguish the fuzzy shape on the other side of the frosted glass. It soon became very obvious.

"Maddie."

She stood still, frozen to the spot at the sight of Peter on her doorstep, hands fidgeting in his pockets. A ghastly wind sent a chill right through her and judging by the way he shuddered, she wondered how long he had been standing there waiting for the right moment to let his presence be known. Before she responded to Peter, she heard her father's voice from the kitchen.

"Who is it, ttal?"

When she failed to respond in time, he joined her in the hallway.

"Oh," he said. "Hello, Peter."

Jung-min was never rude, never unpleasant. That was as frosty as he could get, the understated greeting aimed at someone he knew had hurt his daughter. But if anything, he believed in second chances. Resting a hand on Maddie's shoulder to get her attention, he said, "I need to head into work, ttal. I'll be back in a few hours."

Maddie stared at her father before she nodded. "Ok."

He took his keys from the dish and his laptop from the kitchen and with a kiss on his daughter's forehead and a polite goodbye to Peter, he was gone. The two of them were utterly alone.

Peter shifted on the front step, but she didn't invite him inside. She stood with her hand on the frame, blocking his entrance until she had decide whether or not she wanted him inside the house.

"I know you probably don't want me here and I get that, but I really need to talk to you, Mads," he said. "I'm sorry. I really am. I am so sorry, Maddie."

Her shoulders softened but she didn't step back. It was the apology she had wanted, but only a fraction, and she now realised she wanted a lot more than just sorry.

"Can I come in?" He tilted his head an inch to the side and she moved away from the door, making space for him to step into the house and away from the wind that whipped through both of them. The central heating was on, warming the house to eighteen degrees, but she still had to pull her jumper a little tighter round herself and tuck the sleeves over her fingertips. Something about sadness made her so much more susceptible to the cold.

Peter hovered in the hallway until Maddie slipped past him to the kitchen, a silent signal for him to follow. He did.

"I understand that you're mad," he said, a helpless look in his eyes that she refused to look at for too long, else it'd melt her rage and she didn't want to forget just yet how he had made her feel. "I'm just going to talk, ok?"

That was fine. She was ready to listen, her body primed for him to say all the things she so desperately needed him to say, if only for her own peace of mind. Leaning against the table, she folded her arms across her chest and Peter chewed his lip as he debated with himself about how to start his speech.

"I was wrong to leave you hanging," he said. His hair was a mess, pointing in all directions and in need of a trim. "You know me, Mads. I'm shit at expressing myself. You know that. It sucks, but it's me. I never know how to say what I mean and sometimes I say the opposite." He scratched the back of his neck, trying his hardest not to mess up again. "I do love you, Maddie."

Her heart rate spiked for a second, racing faster despite her begging it to slow down. Waiting for a but, for him to explain why he didn't love her in that way, she clenched her jaw and stared at Peter, wordlessly convincing him to continue.

"I love you and I love being with you, and the last thing I want to do is to lose you. You mean a lot to me, Mads."

He meant it. She couldn't stay silent forever. Standing a little straighter, she asked, "So why did yo-"

Peter cut her off, an apology waiting in his eyes. "Look, I've spent the past couple of days stewing and thinking and torturing myself about what you said and what I said and trying to make sense of it all or excuse myself in some way but I can't. I did mean it when I said I loved you. I did and I do. I just freaked out, ok? It's a big deal to me." He pursed his lips, feet itching to pace, but he stayed still and continued to talk.

"I wasn't expecting it," he said at last. "I didn't realise how you felt and I'm sorry. I reacted in the worst way possible. You have every right to hate me, but I really hope that you don't, because I really do love you."

This was all too much. Maddie's brain could only take so many information overloads in a week and this week had been a heavy one already. Peter's outburst proved to be the flood that broke the dam, and with no warning at all she found that her face crumpled and an ugly sob broke free of her lungs.

Peter stood rooted to the spot, eyes wide. "Shit. Are you ok?"

She shook her head. They were going for honesty, it seemed, and no part of her was exactly ok right now. With an awkward step, Peter closed the gap between them and put his arms around her as though he had never done it before, finding the way their bodies fitted together like it was an unfamiliar puzzle.

"What's wrong?" he asked, holding her tighter when she didn't reject his hug.

"There's a lot going on right now," she said, the words accompanied by another sob that shook her shoulders. She undid herself from Peter's grip to wipe her eyes and sniff. There was no way she was hydrated enough to cry again. The past few days had really taken their toll on her: she was sure that she had cried every single day since the last time she had seen Peter.

"Shit, Mads," he said. Not the most eloquent, but he never had been one with words. "You know, I don't think I've ever seen you really cry. Like, full on. What's going on?"

"I love you too, ok? Can I say that now, and you won't freak out this time?"

He half-smiled, lips unsure of what they were supposed to do, and he nodded. "You can."

"You really fucked me over. You were an absolute twat."

"I'm sorry, Mads. I know I can't make up for it just by saying that, but I am. I can't take it back, but I can try to make up for it." He paused, searching her face for a reaction. "I can, right?"

She gave him the smallest of nods and he smiled, taking her hand and rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. It was a start.

"I'm sorry that I ever hurt you. I hate myself for that," he said. "And I'm pretty sure Mum hates me too."

"You know what?" She looked up at him and he returned her stare. "I really wish I'd known my mum," she said. Just one of the many things that had been on her mind lately, and the first one that leapt out of her mouth as she thought about Peter's mother scolding him for his insensitivity. Somehow her mess of thoughts tied together but she couldn't see how until she let them out. Her chin wobbled as she spoke, and she gripped her elbows until her nails left marks on her skin. "Sometimes I really hate her for killing herself, and I know that's terrible but I do. She took herself away from me, someone that I can never replace."

Peter swallowed frowned. Of all the reactions, he hadn't expected that, and it took a second for him to hear what she had said. "Where's this coming from?"

"I'm sorry," Maddie said, loosening the way she held herself. "It's been a shit week. Really, really shitty." The dreaded lump was back, creeping its way into her throat like an unwanted guest who just wouldn't leave.

"Did something else happen?" Peter spoke the words cautiously, aware that his actions alone were enough to ruin a week, but he knew Maddie. Intuition told him there was more.

She couldn't lift her eyes to meet his, the thought alone causing her head to droop. Peter squeezed her hand, which sat limply in his own with no reciprocation.

"My cousin tried to kill himself," she said.

Peter paled, his jaw slack. "What?"

"My dad picked me up from Posy's house yesterday morning and told me Ryan was in the hospital because he tried to kill himself, and I didn't think it would tip my world upside down but it has, and I don't know what the fuck to do."

Peter's eyebrows pulled together, eyes unfocused. "What the fuck?" He seemed to be in as much shock as Maddie had been. "Why?"

She pressed her lips together, head swaying from side to to side. "I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea." She twisted her lips and scrunched up her nose, ridding herself of the need to cry anymore than she already had. Tears wouldn't give her answers or make the world make sense. "All I know is that he's gay and his parents are homophobes and he hates me and I can't shake the feeling that this is my fault but I don't know why and I am so scared for him."

Peter reached out a hand to her shoulder, his movements slowed. He didn't know what to say as much as Maddie didn't know what to do, so he pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head as though they had never fought.

"I'm so sorry, Maddie," he said. By no means was it his first apology, but it felt like the most honest.

Part of Maddie hated herself for giving in so easily, for allowing Peter to worm his way back into her heart with a hundred apologies that propped up his poor explanation for his actions, but part of her wished they could go back to normal.

For more than a couple of minutes, she had stood with his arms around her in the kitchen and she had let out what she was sure was her last tear ever. A slow trickle down her cheek, dried against Peter's chest. He had stroked her hair and told her everything would be alright, that he was sorry for making her life so much more difficult, and she had shown her gratitude in the way her arms tightened around him.

One thing stood out now more than anything else: she didn't want to be alone.

"Peter?"

"Mmhmm?"

"Can you stay for a little while?"

"Of course," he said.

*

Peter sat on the sofa, look down at Maddie who sat beside him, her legs draped over his lap and her cheek against his shoulder. He traced his fingers up and down her spine, the same way he had done since they were teenagers, making patterns on each other's skin and trying to guess the shape. In that moment, she saw a sliver of clarity like the parting in a cloud that allowed the sun to peek through. This was what she wanted. The ease of being together. No pretence.

"I'm sorry you saw my ugly crying," she said, poking a hole in the silence.

"You're not an ugly crier," Peter murmured. "You're beautiful."

"Not when I cry."

"Always." He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of her hair, and his hand slipped down to her waist as though it belonged there. Every moment they spent together, they seemed to find a new way their bodies fitted together.

"Thank you for coming over." Her words were swallowed by Peter's shoulder.

"Thank you for letting me in," he said, and when Maddie lifted her head, he met her eye and he kissed her as though he had never kissed her before. Gentle lips parted hers, his hand supporting her back while she held hers around his neck to pull herself closer to him. She had missed the feel of him against her, of his hands in her hair and on her body, and when she lay back with a cushion beneath her head, he bent over her to continue their kiss.

Today, she relinquished control. Peter was in charge, tender hands grazing her ready skin while he planted the softest kisses on her neck and chest. Expert fingers unbuttoned the top few fastenings of her dress and he trailed his lips down to her breasts, teeth teasing her skin while one hand moved up the smooth skin of her thigh. Each movement was slow, a gentle calculation that balanced pleasure and desire.

Today was all about Maddie, and she was powerless to resist her own needs when Peter slipped her underwear off, kneeling before her as he undressed her and cupped one hand between her legs. The tingle between her thighs was a slow burn, warming her groin as he crept closer to the spot she begged him to reach. His fingers eased closer until she let out a satisfied sigh when she felt him where she needed him.

He kissed her, tasting her tongue as he dipped two fingers into her in a slow rhythm that matched the circles his thumb created. Maddie's breaths deepened, adjusting to the sensation of Peter touching her the way he touched herself. But this was different. His hands were different to hers, big and strong and unpredictable. The other hand massaged her breast and she urged him closer, lifting one leg over his shoulders like a vice, drawing him nearer to her.

Not a word was spoken; no music accompanied his exploration of her. Every sound in the house was amplified: the ticking of the grandfather clock that watched over them; the hitch in Maddie's breath each time Peter moved a little deeper, finding angles that she couldn't find alone. His mouth left hers, trailing down her body until his tongue replaced his thumb and Maddie couldn't control the groan the rose from deep in her belly. Her fingers weaved their way into Peter's hair, pulling her knees up to her chest as he moved his hand in her and his tongue worked magic.

There was no rush. He worked slowly and steadily, building Maddie up to a crescendo but letting it fade before she could hit that high. She arched her back with each slow thrust of his hand, each magnetic lick of his tongue that pushed her closer to a different paradise than any she had known before. Weak hands held his head against her, socked toes curling with the pleasure that coursed through her untils he couldn't take it anymore. With Peter still inside her, his tongue still circling her, she writhed with the sudden ecstasy that raced through her, clenching her fingers in his hair and letting out a breathless gasp.

As she shuddered, he slowed his pace but he didn't stop and Maddie thought she might pass out with each breath that burst her lungs. It was only minutes before she rode the crashing waves of her second climax, stronger than the first, and she jerked against Peter's mouth with such intense pleasure that tears welled in her eyes. His movements subsided once her body ceased its uncontrollable quivering and her thighs released him from their unforgiving grip. Utterly breathless, she couldn't formulate the words to tell Peter what she wanted him to hear, but she didn't need to say it. Tears spilled over and he dried her eyes, soothing the aftershocks of the earthquake that had shattered her.

Outside, the wind became a storm. Dark clouds blocked out the light and thunder rolled overhead, lightning cracking with a jolt of electricity, and Peter held Maddie close. No words were exchanged for there was nothing that needed to be said, nothing that couldn't be expressed in the way he held her and the way she curled herself against him. She listened to the steady thump of his heartbeat and closed her eyes, allowing its reliable rhythm to soothe her into the sleep she needed. 

+ - + - +

thoughts on that, huh? i'm envisaging mixed reactions (and can't wait to write and post the next ten chapters)