I keep fighting voices in my mind that say am not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I just the sum of every high and every low, remind me just who I am because I need to know"_ You say (Lauren Diaggle)

****
Pamela

"Ekaaro ma," I greeted while yawning. Deji was sitting cross legged beside her with his head hung low.

"Kaaro Temitope mi(morning my Temitope). Sit down let's talk," She gestured towards the open space beside her.
 
"Yes ma." I answered gently and sat.

To avoid looking at her face I looked at the family portraits on the walls. Only one had Shayo in it, we were all putting on the same Silver coloured Cord Lace material and the traditional Aso  oké. Which was made into Caps called Abèti ajá for the males and headgears for the females. The picture was very old and my makeup was horrible, my eye brows were thick and connected like I was Batman and wanted to fly.

 
"Sis Temi ekaaro(good morning)," Deji also greeted. I had a good mind to ignore him and not answer his greeting but you see this thing called - seniority, it comes with responsibility that sometimes you don't get to act like a malice keeping four year old even when you want to.

So like the responsible adult I was I answered through clenched lips, "Morning."

His actions last night hurts me more than he thought, I spent half the night tossing and turning.

"Temi," My mother began shaking her feet in front of her as she usually did when she wanted to say something. I braced myself for the impact of what she was going to say.

"Shayo is gone, she was my daughter and I miss her. We were all at faults she had excesses which we refused to curb them, now we must let go. You are still being bitter about it, no matter how bad you felt you shouldn't have brought up her death in that manner. Was there nothing good about Shayo, that we can't remember the good? Hmmn" Just as I expected she burst into tears.

"Mummy why sis Shayo, why her of all people?" Deji asked crying too.

"Then who, who should it be? Yes, it's true that God is the giver of everything good and beautiful, but he is also our comforter. Why will he comfort us if we are always happy and joyful. It means there will be sad moments,  our pain at times pushes us to serve God more, to love him, to seek him. Deji you have to be better to honour Shayo's memories. Shayo made so many wrong choices and I'm not ready to bury another child."

At this time I was crying.  I have never even bothered to seek God for comfort, we all cried and mourned together.

"Deji, your dad and I, have decided that you will go to Lagos to write your JAMB at my elder brother's place. Change of environment and friends will do you well, Pamela will take you there." She finally got up from her position on the couch and moved towards the kitchen.

"Haaaa mummy, please not  uncle James. my life would be hell" he cried.

"Shut up jor! its true I have indulged you too much as a substitute for loosing shayo, but it has to stop now. Bro James lives in the barrack, the environment is no place to misbehave. Pass your JAMB and start acting more responsible, do this to ease my aching heart because last night hurt me. Oladeji I can't loose another child, I will go mad with heartache." My Gold swayed on her feet and I'll never understand the pain of loosing a child but it must be really tough.

I shot up and went to her side, then wrapped my hands around her "Haba mummy, its okay, we will do as you have said. I'm going to be off call on Wednesday, Daddy's driver will take us there ekpele(sorry) iyaa mi(my mother). Its okay you know all this thinking is not good for your health," I consoled.

*******

"Say ahhh," opening my mouth wide to demonstrate what i wanted. "Ahhhh, wider open your mouth wider for me dear."

I was presently attending to a six year old girl. I checked for inflammations down her throat and it was so many. Also she wasn't breathing properly, so i fitted an oxygen mask over her face when I was done. The next stop should a Bronchioscopy exam but there was no tools for it.

It would entail passing a tube down her throat with a very tiny camera attached to it, the main tech was the motion sensitive compartment built into it that allowed you navigate the camera when it is inside a person to avoid injuring any internal organ, I could see inside clearly on the screen.

This part about Nigerian health care system still pissed me, we need better equipments. We need more staff, we need more beds, we need drugs.

When I finished with her, I went to see Dr Andrews to give him the report of what happened in Lagos. I knocked and waited for his invitation then it came, "Come in" he answered.

"Haaaa Temitope, its you? sit down dear," He looked very tired today, now is not a good time to tell him about Tito's escapades from last night.

"Good afternoon sir." I bent my head a little as a sign of respect.

"Afternoon, how was your trip?" He didn't raise his head from the open file in front of him.

"Fine sir. Here is the review from the meeting, they want you to sell your shares, I negotiated to 3.5 million Naira" I said handling him the papers. I was a little  nervous hoping that I did good.

Dr Andrew burst into a full fledged smile, "Wow, this is much more than I got when their agent called me. He proposed nine hundred thousand, I think you missed your calling. So when can you close the deal for me?"

I  thought I was done, "Me sir, why me?" I stammered out.

"Im busy, I have to attend a conference in Abuja the whole of next week on Histopathology, when is your next off?" He asked and busied himself with the papers in front of him.

"Wednesday sir, but I have an errand to run for daddy in Lagos that day." I really didn't want to go but it was no use telling him and that.

"Alright take Wednesday to Friday off, I will ask them to reschedule you into next week. I know it seems like an inconvenience, but I have heard your father speak highly of you, and I trust you. I can't send Tito there, that boy is a baggage of disgrace" he ended sadly.

"Alright sir, but I don't think you should sell it, I think you should have the shares exchanged for that of CHANCE corporation. It gives you a stake and it will be worth more when retirement comes."

Before I could think harder on whether lecturing him on his parenting was a good choice I added. "Also sir, I honestly think you should send Tito to rehab and allow him apply to a university far North, far away from home."

He raised his head from his papers to look at me fully now and I quickly apologised for going beyond my boundaries. "I'm sorry sir if I..."

"Hmmn, alright. I will discuss it with your father. You can do as you have said with the shares. I will make you a trustee in my name." His appreciation clearly showing and making new tension lines on his face.

I sighed in relief, "Thank you sir."

Dr Andrews Bade, is one of the leading cardiologist in the country. I respect him so much. I just don't want to work here with him pulling strings to have my name removed or added to the call list, or on operations I should get in. I have to talk to my dad about it. Although they are friends, they are also cousins and grew up with my great grandfather.

******
      

Wednesday met me in a foul mood especially with this boy taking forever to come downstairs.

"Dee! Dee! Deji oya na, come out lets go so that we will get to Lagos on time." I screamed standing beside the car.

I used one hand to gather my braids together and put it into a bun. My back was resting on the bonnet of the blue Honda Civic facing the main house door.

His highness finally appeared. Deji dragged himself out with only one box behind him, sluggishly like I had all the time in the world to wait on him.

"Where is your laptop and iPod deji?" daddy requested.

"In my box sir," he said nonchalantly.

"Okay give it to me, you don't need it to write JAMB." My father stretched out his hands and waited pining Deji with his no nonsense stare.

"Haba but daddy what am I supposed to do in my spare time?" My dad looked at him like he was stupid for daring to even ask that question and he must have been shocked at the intensity of my fathers glare because he opened his box and started bringing out the items.

My mom quickly diffused the situation, "Pray, sleep, help them around the house."

"Oh God, what kind of life is this now?" Deji groaned out like anyone was still interested in showing him pity.

His whine must have angered my dad further because he went from being irritated to full blown anger. "Because I did not ask of your phone too abi(right). Your mum has said her piece, I said nothing about what happened, because I'm too disappointed in you but if you want to be foolish let's all be foolish together."

Deji handed them over, with a big frown on his face. He was always the soft one at heart, Shayo the carefree and stubborn one, me the serious and stone hearted and Tolu our last girl who was in boarding school the sweet and perfect one.

The drive down to Lagos wasn't so appealing because of bad roads and traffic. We left Ibadan as early as six because of Dr Andrew's deal and what should be a maximum ninety minutes drive was dragging on to a two hour plus one.

The thought of seeing those brown eyes filled me with a strange combination of excitement, fear and irritation at the same time, but these are the things we do for family.

****
We see you o temi acting like you don't like those honey eyes😍😘😀😁

Who else is looking forward to their meet again?

Love,
Orex