Love is not a place to come and go as we please,
It's a house we enter in then commit to never leave, so lock the door behind you throw away the keys.
Work it out together let it bring us to our knees. - WB

October 2018.

Pamela

"Lets go for marriage counselling," my husband of barely three and half years said. I just kept moisturising my hair and lightly finger detangling not caring to answer him.

Chris was sitting at the edge of our matrimonial bed, his hands resting casually on his thighs as he bit his lower lips, he always did that when he was emotional; angry, sad, playful, or aroused.

"This silence is killing me and you know it," he looked at me like I was breaking him.

I wondered where he got the guts to do that. To look at me like I was the one breaking him, after impregnating Nina.

Turning my head to look at him, all I wanted to do was to break free from this pain haze, it was clouding my vision, my mind, drowning my sanity. Yet a part of me knew it was the only way to not break into tiny pieces.  So I disconnected from it all, from the reality that we were broken, and hid in my shell where it was all perfect.

If I dared to feel am scared I'll go insane, scared it was all a lie.

I am a coward, simply put.

"Are you not supposed to be at work? You haven't gone to work, two days in a row," I answered like we were just another happy couple who cared for each others daily activities.

This was a welcome distraction, I'll take anything to live in denial.

"Don't change the topic, Pamela" he replied tensely. Chris began to tap his feet lightly.

Oh, so we are at Pamela and Christopher now hmn hubby?

"I have nothing to say. I feel blank almost numb." I answered truthfully. As I spoke, I continued my hair routine I knew by heart.

Get a portion of hair, spray it with the contents of my spray bottle down to the roots, massage oil in, seal in all the moisture with my whipped Shea butter cream then make two stranded twists and put the section away.

A familiar memory broke through my barriers, kf another place and time of him, moisturising her hair gently, softly finger detangling and muttering "I love your hair, its your halo. I love the way it shadows you. I love running my hands through the soft tresses."

'Don't feel, don't remember, don't break. If you do there will be no pieces to pick up' my subconscious reminded me. A soft reminder that if I let myself feel the amount of emotions beneath this cold control I'll break.

Chris walked out now his feet almost noiseless on the rugged floor. When he got to the door, he whipped his head around said, "Keeping things bottled, eats you up on the inside and if you think I am not going to fight for you, for our kids or family, you are mistaken."

The nerve of that bastard. I am trying so hard to remember a single thing that was true. His large hands I use to love on my skin must have roamed hers too.

'Don't feel, don't remember, don't break. If you do, there will be no pieces to pick up' my subconscious kept chanting.

So I clung to it like it was my only lifeline, pushing down every thought of my husband's infidelity down and swallowing the huge lump that formed in my throat.

**********

"Good afternoon sir" I whispered into the phone pressed between my shoulder and chin, as I shredded pieces of boneless chicken in a bowl. My father in law was calling, for the why I don't know either.

"Ah! mama twins, bawoni o( how is everything)?" he asked thickly. In a voice that sounded much like his sons.

"Fine sir,"  Puzzled by he entire reason for the call, I wasn't feeling very filial at the moment.

"Toh, that's good. Thank God. You and your husband should come and see me during the weekend." He spoke with a note of finality, it wasn't a request it was an order.

"Have you told him sir?" I didn't mean to be rude but we all know putting this father and son together wasn't always a good idea. Chris and his Dad tried to mend their relationship when we married but there was still so much to be fixed.

"Yes I have. He asked me to call you, something about you will not reply if it comes from him." The fact that he was sounding this way may mean, he had no idea he was expecting another grandchild.

I decided to play along also, "Alright then sir. How is your health, did you take the drugs I prescribed, and I hope you went for that physiotherapy session I booked?" I asked instead with fake cheer and enthusiasm as my eyes watered.

He gave a slight chuckle then said, "Yes ma, I did. Come and check out my health yourself during the weekend."

"Alright then, odabo (goodbye) sir." A small genuine watery smile played on my lips. Even though Chris and his father weren't good pals. His dad has always been good to me.

 After ending the call, I wondered if both parents knew yet. I couldn't dare imagine my father's disappointment. It will hurt him beyond measure to see his daughter hurting this way. I picked up my keys to go and pick up the only present source of my joy, my kids.

The drive down to the school wasn't so long since it was on the Island. I parked in the driveway and then I stared at my face through the car's mirror and the woman that greeted me was a stranger.

She had eye bags underneath her eyes, her cheeks were sunken and she looked withdrawn.
I can't let my children see me like this. This woman looked like the sad, emptier version of their mother.

I checked the car's compartment where I kept compact powder and dabbed some on. I rubbed the foam under my eyes to fill the eye bags and make me look less haunted.

After I finished this, I kept the compact powder away and stared into the mirror again then I smiled. The first smile looked creepy so I practiced smiling again, a more happier one so as not to worry my children.

I kept the fake smile plastered on my face as I walked towards the gates of their school. Immediately I saw my little princess running towards me, the smile became genuine instantly.

"Ella Dont run, you'll fall down" I chided gently but like the carefree butterfly she was, she ran ignoring my warnings as quick as her chubby legs could carry her. "Maami" she called as he ran.

I opened my arms wide to recieve my babies and hugged them to me. Daniel gave me a sloppy kiss on the cheeks. Here with my babies there was no pain or pretense just intense love.

"Did you eat your food?" I asked them both, collecting their school bags and opening the car door.

"Yeshh" Ella answered, slurring the words gently.

"No" Daniel answered. His answer worried me so I crouched to his level immediately and checked for what's wrong.

"Daniel what's wrong, are you sick? did anyone beat you?" With a frown on my face.

Although Daniel has a mean personality, my boy could eat a storm just like me. His quiet brooding personality was from his father though. I was sweet and gentle.

Indeed dear. I could see my mind eye giving me the evil smirk.

He refused to answer, he just got in the car and allowed himself to be buckled in and looked straight out of the window.

"Maami chocolate," Ella whined.

"Not today Ella" I replied throwing Daniel another worried glance.

I read somewhere in a medical journal that children could perceive if something worthwhile was wrong.

"Maami pleeeassshhhh" Ella begged, using those puppy eyes on me, her fathers eyes.

"When we go to grand pa's place he'll get it for you OK" I told her gently. 

"OK" she smiled happily. Grandpa and paapi were her two favourite persons.

Looking at my son through the rearview he was sulking, damn this boy had a mean temper and an adult personality. I think it was because I left for two days.

"Danny, what do you want?" I asked smiling at him.

"Coke" he said simply.

"Alright," I replied and made up my mind to get ice cream and coke for them.

"Mama," Ella wined loudly, eyes filling up with tears so fast. "Not fair mama." She looked at me like I was a traitor.

"Is too" Daniel replied proudly.

"No," anger lacing her words.

"Yes," smiling evilly.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

I parked the car already, not breaking up their silly banter because it was cute. I got one coke and one ice cream, drank half of the coke and gave it to Dan and gave Ella hers. She stuck her tongue out signifying that hers was full, while his was half.

He just smiled which ended pissing her off even more.

"Mama lick," passing her ice cream to me.

I smiled knowing Daniel tried to act smart with her and it worked.

This two won't kill me. I quickly took a large scoop and continued driving. The real joy was watching her hand over a scoop to Daniel, it eased my aching heart knowing that at least this bond couldn't be broken or taken away from me.

***

******

I served them after shower and change of clothes. It was beans and fried plantain.

"Daniel stop picking out the onions in your food" I warned from my position at the kitchen sink.

He just made a face like onion was gross and put it in his sisters plate.

His sister was happily pushing all the beans aside. They were picky eaters just like their father.

Their father, their lying father. I thought with pain shooting through the my entire chest region.

Don't feel, don't remember, don't break. If you do there will be no pieces to pick up.

I just breathed in, taking large breaths and gripped the edge of the sink tight the plate I had in my hand, fell into the sink making a clang sound.

"Mama," Daniel called and looked at me worried.

"Yes baby," a large smile adorning my lips as I raised my head to meet his eyes.

"Dodo(fried plantain)." He wanted more, he has cleaned his plate and was now picking from his sisters plate who didn't mind. I added more to his plate and heard a knock on the door. He ran to go and open it.

"Go and eat your food my friend," I pulled him back harshly with his shirt.

I dried my hand and opened the door. It was Ekene, our gate man.

"Ekene what is it?" He scratched his beard and shuffled from foot to foot. 

"Should I serve you beans and plantain" I offered thinking he was hungry.

"Ehn yes madam," he answered and smiled shyly, "but that's not why I'm here, it is one old woman and... And..." He stammered.

"And what?" I asked peering over his shoulder if I could see them.

"Madam it is....." He stammered on.

"Just go and let them in, and come and take lunch" I replied and made to walk back in.

"Ehm madaam... I...." He tried to offer some protest which was quickly drowned by a loud scream coming from the dining room.

There was blood everywhere, Daniel had a large cut on his head and arm, "Jesus Christ" I shouted and  to grab the first aid kit while ignoring the knocks at the door.

Coming back down from the masters bathroom where I rushed to get the fist aid kit was when I saw my visitors and the cause of Ekene's stammer. Two women the older and younger version: Mother and daughter.

Shock held me at stand still first, then I later reacted remembering my son. I cleaned the wound as best I could but I heard him wheezing, his breath coming out in shorter pants and so I decided to take him to the hospital.

Ignoring the two people in my sitting room, I drove out to the hospital. Quickly loading my children inside the car.

"Ekene!" I screamed in fear, "open that gate for me, watch over those people in the house till oga comes."

I'll be damned if I let the vultures sit pretty in my house without supervision.

Two hours later, Daniel was admitted. He had a large bruise on the back of his head were he fell, turns out that Ella pushed him from his stool on the kitchen island, he hit his head and injured his arm. I sat out there in the waiting room as they stitched his hand and iced his head. After which they kept him for observation.

The wheezing was dodo that got stuck in his throat.

Thank God. I was so scared and so was Ella, even though she didn't fully understand what was going on, her big brown cute eyes were filled with fear and tears.

The doctor and I were standing in front of the room with the door open so that we could see the kids when someone ran in and it was Christopher, their father.

"What happened, where were you for Gods sake hmn? Where is my son? I can't believe you will let this thing between us make you negligent towards our kids," he rushed out the words not giving me space to answer, anger and fear lacing his words.

The words felt like ten thousand pricks and I stumbled back. Just like that and every wall I've been putting before my self and the pain came tumbling down.

He stopped immediately he realised what he just said, remorse and self reproach filling him "I'm sorry Temi."

Tears were in my eyes now. He didn't just dare say that to me. When I just left his pregnant mistress and her mother in my house. 

"You did not just dare say that to me," I lashed out, my voice loud and angry and I shoved him pushing his chest.

"Paapi, mama" Ella cried. So scared of what the hell was going on. Realisation hit us, as we looked in her direction.

"Ella," I called stretching out my hand to the little girl who was crying and wiping off my own tears with the sleeve of my shirt.

"Temi," I could see the remorse in his eyes as he pushed both hands into his hair, obviously frustrated.

Temitope don't feel, don't remember, don't break. If you do there will be no more pieces to pick up.

I was breaking already, not even the chant could hold it in. I scooped Ella into my arms and rocked her gently, I bit the insides of my cheek to stop myself from crying and I entered the little room back to see my son.

****

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