Chapter 29: Pain

I opened my eyes to darkness. Darkness and a warm body tempting me closer.

"You okay?" Ed's drowsy murmur came from several inches away.

"Mm. Is it morning?" The beginning of a sore throat tickled my vocal cords.

"No. Go back to sleep."

Rolling over, I pulled the covers further around my body and tried to ignore the impulse to snuggle up to Ed.

"Cold?" he asked, and the mattress behind me dipped as he repositioned himself.

Heat from his chest singed my shoulder blades, though he made no move to touch me. This was how it started the first time. Middle of the night in Athens, inhibitions obscured by darkness—rules and logic no longer applying.

"You offering cuddles to warm me up?" I tried to keep my tone light-hearted, but my scratchy throat, thick with sleepiness, turned it husky and suggestive.

"I was actually going to offer you some pyjamas." His own tired slur sharpened into low amusement.

"Mm, never mind then." My heavy eyes fell shut again as my head sunk into the soft pillow.

A breath of laughter fanned the back of my neck, and a large palm curved around my hip.

"If you want cuddles, you only have to ask..."

"Mm, sleeping."

"Are you actually sleeping, or just playing hard to get?"

I smiled into the darkness. "Hard to get."

"Hm." His lips brushed my ear. "Don't."

And then his palm slid from my hip to my stomach, drawing me closer into the warmth of his body, and he occupied every dream that followed.

*

The pain woke me. Every inch ached, from my sore jaw down to the tenderness between my legs.

Groaning, I raised a stiff arm to rub at my eyes but instantly froze at the sound of an amused chuckle behind me.

"Did I finally break you?"

Ah, shit.

Definitely shouldn't have stayed.

Definitely shouldn't be secretly happy that I did.

"You make it sound like an achievement," I shot back.

"No, but I kept warning you last night that you'd be hurting today. You didn't listen."

"When do I ever listen to you?"

"Well, that's true."

Shuffling to sit up, I fired a smirk across at him. The sheet slipped down to my waist, but I didn't adjust it. He'd seen every inch of me last night—modesty no longer existed.

Why was my throat so sore? I let my fingers trail down to my neck and gently massaged it.

"Something wrong with your throat?" Ed then asked.

"Just sore," I said. "Like every other part of my body."

"Hm. Probably all that screaming you did."

I narrowed my eyes. "I was not screaming."

"You were definitely screaming. Either that or it's a conveniently timed cold."

Admittedly it didn't feel like a cold. It hurt like an over-worked larynx. Surely I hadn't screamed that much, though? Fuck. Was this room soundproof? We'd put minimal effort into hiding our plans when we dismissed the Security team last night, but it would still be mortifying if they'd overheard.

"Listen, Soph, I'm only going to say this once, then I'll leave the ball in your court."

I winced, but not from physical pain this time. Daylight had arrived, and my fantasy bubble wobbled under the strain of it. 

"If you want to talk about last night, we can. If you just want to carry on as we have been doing, we can."

"It's not just about me, Ed."

"No, but we both went into this with an understanding and we both played a part in how it turned out. You have it harder than me because you're being thrust into a world you're not familiar with. So we play this however you want to play it. Whatever makes it easier for you."

Nothing about this was easy. That was why I'd chosen distance to start with, because who wouldn't fall for someone as understanding and sensitive as him? After last night, though, I didn't know how I wanted to play it.

In an ideal world, Ed and I would do that every night, everything from the rough dominance to the romantic kissing. But this wasn't an ideal world, and we'd never have a normal relationship thanks to his career, so I couldn't keep fooling myself with pockets of fantasy.

I also couldn't bring myself to pretend it meant nothing to me.

"Thanks." I ran my tongue over my bottom lip. "We should talk about it, but I want to be in a sane state of mind when we do."

He smiled, his eyes infuriatingly kind. "Sure."

"First priority is a soak in the bath."

"Want to use my ensuite?"

Flashbacks to our first night together sprung to my mind. I had a chance to do things differently this time round. So, unlike how I reacted in Madrid, I swallowed down my fear.

"That would be great. Thanks."

As I turned on the taps to fill the giant free-standing tub, Ed rustled about in the cupboards, pulling out various bath oils, hooking a towel over the radiator, and sorting me a spare toothbrush.

It was all so domesticated. So relationship­-like. As if he'd treated his girlfriend to an expensive dinner, worshipped her in private afterwards, then pampered her the following morning while secretly planning how to spend the day together as a happy couple.

And since last night had stripped away all my barriers and I had no willpower left to pretend otherwise, I enjoyed that one final fantasy. That one last daydream before we had the inevitable chat and it all came crashing down to catapult us back to reality.

Because what was the reality? That we'd fucked each other's brains out just to scratch an itch? That it had only evolved into romance because we were both tired and emotions had got the better of us? That the romance was a pipedream because he was a global superstar and I was a girl who didn't want to be in the public eye long-term?

He'd have millions of willing women at his fingertips if he wanted them, and statistically there had to be other girls who could offer him the same as what I could.

When he left to find me some painkillers—because a loving boyfriend hated to think of his girlfriend hurting—I slipped into the steamy tub and sighed as the lavender-scented water washed over my aching muscles.

In my relaxed state, I barely registered the knock. It wasn't until I heard Ed's voice, surprisingly clear, that I realised the proximity of the bath to the suite door—just a wall separating the two.

"Soph's here," he said, and my ears pricked up at the mention of my name.

"When I said the two of you needed to stash away your problems, I didn't expect you to take it so literally."

Helen.

"No need to sound disapproving," Ed replied. "I'm a grown man. I can make my own decisions."

"I'm not judging." She sounded affronted. "I just want you to be careful. You're playing a dangerous game. I don't want anyone getting hurt."

Too late for that. I sloshed some water over my chest, rolling my shoulders to loosen the tight knots.

"We had a very mature discussion about it beforehand, actually. My feelings are intact."

"I'm not just worried about your feelings, Ed." Her voice travelled closer to my feet at the opposite end of the tub, and I sat up to follow it. "She's obviously struggling. Having sex with her isn't going to help."

Ed huffed out a derisive sigh, apparently not agreeing with her. "Like I said, we had a discussion beforehand. She was perfectly sound in her decision-making capacity."

"Great. So did you also manage to have a discussion about Christmas?"

Christmas? My sore limbs tensed at the prospect of a publicity stunt around the holiday period. Would we still be going by then? I didn't know if the idea thrilled me or terrified me.

"I got halfway there," he said, "but then I got distracted. Don't know if you noticed, but she looked unreal last night, so as soon as I realised sex was on the cards..."

"Stop joking around, Ed. You've had months to bring it up. Mark needs to sort out an SAP, and—"

"She won't want security."

"But if you're going with her—"

"She won't want me there, either."

Whatever Ed was supposed to talk to me about, hopefully he did it soon, before my imagination ran wild. Where could we possibly be going that required security, but without him joining?

"You don't know that," Helen said, her clipped tone betraying her impatience, "because you haven't spoken to her about it."

"I'll talk to her today. Promise."

"Thank you."

"But after my Jimmy Richardson interview. I don't want to be distracted if the conversation goes badly."

"Mark's given me a deadline of midday tomorrow to let him know on security, so if you don't talk to her then I will."

Silence. They were probably staring each other out, Ed trying to decide if Helen was bluffing. Unlikely.

Seconds later, the door shut with a soft click and then a rap of knuckles vibrated against the bathroom door.

"Getting on okay in there?"

"I'm good," I called back, reaching to twist the plug. "Be out soon."

"Take your time."

Unless Ed had ever lay in the bathtub while two other people had a conversation by his door, he'd have no idea how well the sound carried. He'd said he wanted to wait before talking to me, and I didn't want to do anything that would put him off his interview later, but I also hated pretending like I hadn't overheard his talk with Helen.

When I emerged from the bathroom, I found him reclining on the sofa, his long legs crossed at the ankles.

"Got you some Ibuprofen." He nodded towards the coffee table.

"Thanks." I tossed them back with a mouthful of water. "I heard Helen."

"Hm," Ed said, not looking up from his phone. "Need to talk to you about something. I'll add it to the growing list of conversations you and I need to have."

He glanced up at me with a cheeky smile, and my heart warmed at his honesty and transparency. Sitting down on the sofa opposite, I tightened the belt on my robe.

"Ed," I said carefully, pausing when his eyes lifted to mine again, this time remaining there. "I hope you know that you can talk to me about anything. Regardless of whatever is going on between us at the time. I'd never want you to worry about how I'd react. I have your back no matter what."

Sighing, he scraped a hand over his jaw and then dropped his phone onto the coffee table, swinging his legs back over to the front of the sofa and sitting up.

"How much did you hear?"

I cringed and offered him an apologetic smile. "Sorry. The bath is very close to the door."

"No. It's my fault. I've been putting it off for months. There never seemed to be the right time to tell you that I spontaneously bought us a trip to Costa Rica while you were sleeping next to me late one night in Paris."

My mouth dropped open, a blizzard of emotions battering my already-poor defences. Costa Rica. Paris. He'd bought me a trip to my bucket list destination while we were travelling around Europe. While we were deceiving each other.

"The idea was that we'd go together," Ed said when I stayed silent, "but then obviously everything happened... And then we started working together and decided we should have some distance... And then... Well, it was never the right time. It just seemed inappropriate or awkward to mention it."

The corner of his lips curled upwards into a wry smile, and my mouth finally sprang into action.

"Ed, wow. I don't know what to say. Thank you."

Urgh, thank you? The boy had done something as thoughtful as buying me a trip to the place closest to my heart, and all I could say was thank you?

"You're not freaked out?" he asked. "I know it's a bit OTT."

"No. I'm touched. You know, sometimes I think back to the time we spent together in Europe, and it just feels tainted by what happened after. Especially with the song. I don't want it to feel like that because I honestly had such an amazing time with you."

"Likewise, Soph," he said softly. "I know some of it wasn't real, but a lot of it was. I hope this proves that."

Words lodged in my throat, but before I could reassure him of the same, he continued.

"Anyway. It's two tickets. Private house on the coast. You can take whoever you want but you need to let Helen know so she can change the name on the tickets. We'll pay the admin charge, obviously. And if you want security, she'll sort that with Mark."

He wasn't even asking me to take him. Maybe my interpretation of last night completely differed from his. Had I imagined the romantic turn? Or had he only gone along with it because of how savagely he'd treated me during the first couple of rounds, because he thought I might be feeling vulnerable and craving comfort?

That hadn't been the case. It was just that as the night had gone on, my guard had become lower and lower. I'd allowed myself to feel. But maybe he hadn't. Fuck. Maybe that was why he wanted to have a conversation about it: he needed to let me down gently before I got hurt.

Snippets of last night swirled through my mind. I'd stopped him from cutting the night short. I'd initiated the first romantic kiss. I'd asked him for slow and gentle. I'd tried to have sex without a fucking condom.

Are you offering cuddles to warm me up?

I was actually going to offer you some pyjamas.

With the barriers down, the floodgates opened. Months of suppressed feelings battered my heart. And I hated myself for letting my guard down last night. For allowing myself to feel what I'd spent so long ignoring. Because now the potency suffocated me.

"You okay?" Worry creased Ed's forehead as he watched me.

"Fine." I forced a smile. "Just blown away by your generosity. And comforted, too."

"Comforted?"

"Yeah. That you still liked me enough back then to do something so personal and thoughtful."

I couldn't bring up last night. Not yet. If that conversation turned awkward, it would put him off his interview. For now, I just had to reassure him that everything was fine.

But inside, I was far from fine.

***

Thank you for reading :)xx

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What did you think of Ed's gift? Who will Soph take?