"Ya Xuan, one more time." Yan Hao Xiang leaned close to my ear and whispered. His heavy breath was hot, brushing against my cheek.

I couldn't concentrate on responding to him, every thrust from below with a wave of pleasure slamming into my mind. I can't stand the heat and pain, but these two feelings alternately torment me now. Sweat-soaked flesh rubbed against each other, the sheets were wet and wrinkled under the movement of my body.

I just melted away.

"Tired, huh?"

Yan Hao Xiang stood up but did not pull out. His body obscured the light from the ceiling, his chest heaving, his shiny sweat dripping down, grazing the corner of my eye. His eyes still contained a gentle ocean but were filled with lust, it was soft, different from what was inside me.

What a stupid question! If I had enough strength now, I would give him the feeling of being fu**ed by someone else. But unfortunately, Yan Hao Xiang had just played me once, I only had a very last breath left to prevent myself from fainting.

Hao Xiang looked at me silently for a long time, his eyebrows furrowed, as each drop of salty wet kept falling. He wiped away the sweat and caressed my face, gently as if my skin was made of crystal. I bit my lip, avoiding his sad expression. Shouldn't I be the one crying, don't act so miserable like that...

"Ahh..." I shivered as the tension hit again. Yan Hao Xiang still sketched my face, motionless like a robot running out of power. He looked like he would stay like this for a while despite my high-beating heart.

"Don't you want more?" I grabbed the hand that was holding my cheek.

"Huh?" Yan Hao Xiang was dumbfounded, the damn thing got bigger again.

"Urgh... I said..." I couldn't help but groan, leaning forward, I grabbed this idiot by the neck. "Go on."

"You're playing with fire, Ya Xuan." Yan Hao Xiang smiled, and the kiss fell on my forehead, he grabbed my waist and moved quickly.

My body swayed with force, I grabbed Hao Xiang's strong arm, letting myself follow his thrusts. Every time that cock hit the deepest part, I apologized for my actions.

We shouldn't have done this.

I rattling pulled the big suitcase out of the airport, slightly stretching out my shoulders under the faint sunshine of the summertime in New York. After years of being immersed in the American dream, I was finally able to set foot here.

Come to think of what I've been through, strage. Just a past few months I was still struggling with my graduation thesis, swearing that it was the last time in my life I submerged in arid academic knowledge. But now, in my luggage, I carry a certificate of participation in the Ph.D. program. Yeah sure, learning is something lasts a lifetime.

New York welcomed me with the inherent bustle and youthfulness, which did not suit me very well. Choosing this place as my next stop on my journey seems like a spur-of-the-moment choice. At that time, all I wanted to do was escape far away, away from the cramped box filled with sorrow, and find new habits and hobbies in this so-called never sleeping city.

Well...

Hello New York, Ya Xuan's here!

"Make yourself at home, another will arrive at 9 AM the next day."

Magaret, the owner, warmly took me around, and briefly showed me the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, and a few other tidbits. By the time I knew exactly where the garbage bags in the house were, it was getting dark, and Margaret gave me the key and then quickly left before night blindness prevented her from returning.

"Are you fine with being alone tonight?"

"Sure." I pretended with a smile while my back was in a cold sweat.

The house I rented was in the Bronx to the north of New York, about half an hour's drive from my school. I admit my Ph.D. stipend is enough to rent a better apartment in the city center, but saving is a big deal when now even the pen I use is bought with my parents' money. The price for this wisdom is the fear of peering out the window at the pitch black sky, immersed in a symphony of insects hiding nowhere.

How about staying up until morning? I thought, closing my eyes like this and imagining someone hiding under the bed, even on the ceiling, scared me. Horror movies from the past that person forced me to watch could not wait to appear moving in my head.

Until now, I still wonder why he was so obsessed with all kinds of scary genres, sometimes even rambling about he wanted to try playing the role of a schizophrenic killer. How can a man with such an elegant, scholarly appearance keep up with those crazy ideas? But aside from that strange hobby, there is no doubt that he is handsome, gentle, and profound.

However, we left each other.

"You're getting on my nerves! Get out!!!"

I shouted at the empty room, not knowing whether to speak with fear or nostalgia. Missing an ex-lover is merely a general post-breakup psychological symptom if it has not been haunting me for the past four years.

4 years, a long time enough to heal the heartache after an unfinished love. The two of us parted peacefully, without adultery, without cheating. Just a mild sunny summer day, he was wearing a pastel shirt as sweet as a taro cake while crying and apologizing to me.

"My parents found out, I..." He hesitated, his eyes darting to the ginkgo across the street.

Well, at such a half-witted age, who has the right to decide what they like, what to do? Probably there were; unfortunately, not us, kids who grew up in the suburbs of China. At that time, we even had to ask for money from our parents to buy candy floss, then there was such a thing as fighting for same-sex love.

"I understand, don't cry, Xiang ge." I replied curtly, not knowing how to continue cause I was also trembling.

It was windy in the summer. Fortunately, the ginkgo had not turned yellow or it would be deadly sad.

What was funny was me still paying attention to the scenery around, and he was crying unstoppably. Standing there, pursing his lips as if our love was his last. Love is forgetful. When everyone was a kid, they seemed to romanticize their first love.

Just kidding, the person who lives forever in the memory is me, Song Ya Xuan. It didn't matter if we met at school or in the neighborhood, when Yan Hao Xiang had just left to study abroad, I became a different person. All day in a daze, crying when catching his handwriting in an English notebook, and hurriedly wiping it away to prevent the ink from smearing, looking at the taro cake, looking at the little cat on the side of the road, then missing him. And more ridiculous when mistaking the new housemate for him.

"Yan Hao Xiang" I gaped, unconsciously walking towards the opposite, my hand touching the other's gentle eyes.

I admit I madly miss him, having missed him so much that I couldn't sleep last night, and now mistaking the boy standing next to Margaret for him.

"Right!"

"No."

We both said in unison when Margaret asked if we were friends. Yan Hao Xiang, to be exact it's him, turned to look at me confusedly. I dodged, firmly shaking my head.

"Just got it wrong."

"I thought you knew each other, you two even compatriots." When leading Yan Hao Xiang around the house, Margaret kept asking curiously.

"I thought so..." He sighed softly, his brow furrowing slightly as if he were disappointed.

I tried to ignore them, crawling into the bedroom. I'm not okay, I can't describe how I feel but I'm sure I don't dare to face him, at least for now.

Very quickly, less than an hour later, I had to face him because of a problem.

Yan Hao Xiang touched the crack that looked new and was barely noticeably hidden by the nightstand in the right corner of his bedroom. He didn't ask me why I had been so careless but just rummaged through everything to see if there was any loss or damage.

International students are easy to bully when renting a house, In some cases, we live for a while and do not realize what is missing or damaged, but when leaving home, there will be a lot of problems, and compensation costs are even more than months' rent combined. Therefore, when coming to the new rental place, it is necessary to carefully check if there are any problems to report immediately to the owner, to avoid trouble later.

"Magaret insisted the gas stove was working properly before we moved in, the crack in the wall in my room is unknown. The rest has been already taken, so we just have to compensate or deal with these two ourselves." Yan Hao Xiang calmly narrated the content of the call.

"I'm sorry... I didn't double-check. I'll pay for it." I mumbled, secretly thankful that it wasn't a bathroom or something expensive.

"What about the cost of my broken heart? I'll count it for you." Yan Hao Xiang sighed, then sat down next to me.

Two old friends, nah, ex-lovers, crammed together on a tiny sofa. We sunk deep into each other's eyes, feeling like I was sitting on an airplane taking off, precariously precarious. He seemed to be just waiting for the day we meet again to vent all his feelings in his heart. His voice trembled, and his eyes were red, Hao Xiang talked a lot, mostly about years of bewilderment in a foreign country, both strange and lonely.

"I did visit home once, unfortunately, you were still in the dormitory at that time." Yan Hao Xiang was sad.

Well, to be honest, I heard his mother mentioning that he was returning home, so I purposely stayed at the university for a couple more weeks. Then prolong the time to miss each other. I unconsciously curled up my fist, the days of going to school together, running, and having fun together flashed through my memory. The image of 18-year-old Yan Hao Xiang merged into the person in front of me.

I saw him crying, "I was scared, I didn't know anyone here, many times I thought should I give up everything and come back to find you but I was afraid I would bother you. If you didn't go back to your home even on New Year's Eve just because you wanted to avoid me, what's the point of me going back?"

Yan Hao Xiang was a strong guy, he was independent and personable, but he shed tears twice, and both were because of me.

It turns out that an excellent person like him is a love affair.

What should I do, comfort or apologize? Sounds a bit useless. 4 years ago I hadn't comforted him, 4 years later when we met again the first thing I did was deny my relationship with him. If I could see other's hearts, I'm sure Yan Hao Xiang's was shattered

I was such a bastard.

I leaned closer to him, caressed his face that used to make me madly miss, and put a kiss on his lips. This is perhaps the most obvious guarantee of our relationship.

Whatever comes will come, at a young age, meeting the person in your heart, falling into deep lust is inevitable. We rushed into each other like moths seeing a fire, letting out all the nostalgia.

"Don't you think we're in a hurry?" Yan Hao Xiang, who was burying his face in the crook of my shoulder, began a series of questions that had no beginning or end.

"What's the hurry?" I was too tired to push him away, and my throat was dry and uncomfortable.

Yan Hao Xiang looked up, his chin resting on my chest, looking so silly and happy. If I knew in advance that my waist, back, and butt would hurt so much, I would have fucked him. Now I can only stay stuck in bed all day, moving a little cause it was painful, and my strength seemed to be drained by this person.

Why was it me who cried when we made love, and then I was the only one who cried when we finished?

"Rekindling an old flame, I even f..." I covered Hao Xiang's mouth just before he said something embarrassing to me.

I am quite sure there is no one who has just met an ex-lover after many years and has been lured into bed by a few tears like me. But we missed four years, and we would have been so happy to spend our school life together, giving each other sweet hugs every evening after work, holding hands with each other under the blue sky and white clouds. Shouldn't things be like that?

"I think we should be like this since you came back. It's a pity..." I sighed, and every time I mentioned it, I felt guilty. Yan Hao Xiang was very disappointed when he heard I wanted to avoid him.

"There is nothing to be sorry about. Starting now or a few more years later is ok. I can wait for you."

Yan Hao Xiang smiled. The sunlight coming through the window covering his face made my heart beat faster. I stroked his head, stroking the sunny flowers on his iridescent black hair. Every morning should start like this, wake up together, smile at each other, kiss each other sweetly and wish each other a good day.

"But I am planning to get married in a few years, maybe we'll meet at my wedding?" I joked.

"I should feel lucky, right?" Yan Hao Xiang smirked.

After that foolish joke, I was caught up again in a tired game. Yan Hao Xiang and his damn thing made me feel like I had just experienced a boxing match where I was nothing more than a sandbag. My skin is full of red and green marks, and my waist is sore, so I even have to lie on my stomach all day in bed.

"In the following week, don't even think about coming near me."

"Ya Xuan, just once, I swear!"

End.