Okay, so this is my attempt at something even remotely funny. Enjoy, I suppose! I just love BSD and wanted to something for it.

Ah, yes. Malls. A harmonious place to shop and relax. You can find anything in those fuckers. All the way from toys for the kids, to an expensive watch for your spouse. Christmas or birthday, or perhaps just shopping for yourself. Whatever the cause, malls have what you're looking for. Period.

And they're practically everywhere, especially in Yokohama, a bustling city with millions residing there and living their daily lives.

And, well, one could say most malls are a peaceful place.

"Sir, step away from the child!"

"He stole my fucking wallet!"

The security guard let out a weary sigh. He did not go through rigorous training for this. "I encourage you to not use that language in front of children."

The man looked at him like he was crazy. "That's not a child! This thing stole my fucking wallet! He's a thief, a criminal that deserves time in prison!"

"Excuse me!" The child called back. "My pronouns are they/them, old man!"

The man turned around and sincerely said, "I apologize." However, "They stole my fucking wallet!"

Yukichi ignored this. "Sir, the only one that's going to prison is you. Yokohama does not tolerate pedophilia."

"Pedophilia?! What did I do?!" He screeched.

Yukichi sighed again. He didn't always want to point a tazer at some middle aged guy in a dirty mall. Of course he joined the force for a reason. This was not one of them.

"Um, sir, we have security cameras. We have evidence of you. . . crying in the food court. . . and talking to a little girl," Yukichi started slowly and patiently.

"That's my daughter!" He shouted and ran his hands through his hair. He quickly turned around and looked behind him. "Great! Now that little brat is getting away with my money!"

Yukichi seriously doubted it was much money to begin with.

Standing next to a (fake) plant, on the other side of the spectacle, was another man. He had his eyes closed and a lollipop in his mouth. A smirk appeared on his face.

He called out: "Fukuzawa. This man is telling the truth."

Yukichi turned his attention to the new guest. He narrowed his eyes. "I thought I told you to stay out of my own matters, detective," he growled.

The detective opened his eyes. "Detective. . . That reminds me. . . I quit my job."

"Ranpo, you WHAT?!"

¤¤¤¤

"Kyoka-chan, are you sure?"

"Yes. This is the place."

Atsushi was currently standing in the entryway to the local Hot Topic. It looks. . . dangerous. He was also eyeing the employees. Piercings, dyed hair, makeup. And of course, Atsushi wasn't judging him by his appearance (he was), he's just worried about his sister. (But everyone knows that Kyoka is stronger than Atsushi, even on a bad day.)

"Are you sure there's no where else to get the shirt you want?" Atsushi asked nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

She stared at him, daring him to oppose her.

He swallowed. "Okay, Hot Topic it is."

They entered. The man at the cashier looked up sharply.

He didn't even feign cheerfulness when he said, "Welcome. How may I help you?" He was glaring at Atsushi and he immediately felt threatened.

Atsushi gulped and put a hand on Kyoka's shoulder. "She can tell you." He was looking everywhere except the cashier. Kyoka noticed and rolled her eyes, unimpressed at her brother's display of cowardice. (He would later argue that he was not, in fact, a coward. He was just a little wary of the man.)

The man behind the counter (his nametag said 'Hi! My name is Akutagawa Ryuunosuke!', with a smiley face that kinda looked dead inside, Atsushi decided it did not suit him) pointed to a person in the back that was arranging shirts and other trinkets.

"They can help you," Akutagawa deadpanned, sounding tired as fuck despite his joyful nametag. The person who was moving clothes around looked up.

They smiled when they saw Kyoka (at least, Atsushi guesses they smiled. They were wearing a mask, but the corners of their eyes crinkled, so he took it as a sign of kindness.) and beckoned to come over to them. Akutagawa Gin, the tag read. They seemed like they could be trusted, even though he guessed they were related to the other Akutagawa.

So Atsushi stood there awkwardly with said Akutagawa. He wasn't sure if he should try to make small talk.

He cleared his throat. "Sooo. My Chemical Romance," he started, noticing Akutagawa's shirt. Akutagawa's head snapped up to face him. Atsushi continued. "My little sister likes them, and she's always trying to get me to listen to them."

Akutagawa's glare softened the slightest at the mention of the girl liking the same band. "She has good taste," he answered gruffly.

Atsushi laughed nervously. "I guess. It's not really my style, but I don't mind it."

The silence fell once again. He glanced to the back of the store, where Kyoka and Gin (he called them that to differ from Akutagawa, who seems like he really doesn't want anyone to call him by his first name.) were talking about a Billie Eilish shirt that was on sale. Apparently, today only, you could get three shirts for the price of two. He could practically hear his wallet crying from relief at the low prices.

Atsushi shifted from foot to foot, not sure what to do. He looked around from where his feet were anchored to the floor. He felt like if he moved, Akutagawa would be annoyed at the commotion he was making. From the way he was still angrily staring at Atsushi, he would kill him on the spot, no hesitation.

Weird. People usually like Atsushi. Akutagawa probably didn't like anybody.

Someone probably hurt him, Atsushi thought. Then he immediately felt terrible because he assumed that his attitude had to do with his past. Maybe he's just like that.

He was seriously about to audibly apologize when Kyoka came back. He closed his mouth. Kyoka handed him three tshirts, and walked to the counter. He followed.

God bless Kyoka.

She was the only one that stopped him from making a fool of himself 99.9% of the time. The other .1%, he didn't want to talk about.

He looked at Akutagawa. Akutagawa looked at him. They both looked away.

Atsushi payed for the items and turned to leave with Kyoka trailing after him. Before they left, Kyoka turned around and waved to Gin.

"Bye Gin-san. Thank you."

Gin smiled at her. "Anytime, Kyoka-chan."

¤¤¤

Oh, to be an adult and work at a fucking Game Stop.

Hey, at least he isn't like that loser with the bandages that works at the crusty skating rink. (He believes the real queston is, why the fuck is there a skating rink in a mall? Then he remembers: Japan.) Fyodor sees children there quite a lot.

He shivered. Children. The word alone was enough to strike a mix of disappointment and disgust in him.

In all honesty, Fyodor could somewhat respect Dazai for having to put up with sticky kids and bitchy Karens. And to have that for a job? To deal with it every day? It might have been more than a little respect. (Fyodor then realizes he does the exact same thing.)

They had spoken before. Fyodor liked to think he had at least one acquaintance in this godforsaken mall.

He sighed. Some teenagers milled around the store, picking up games and showing their friends, or laughing at things that Fyodor thought too useless to try and eavesdrop on.

Teenagers are worse than kids for many reasons:

1. They're really mean, like, what the hell.

2. They insult you, and goddammit its accurate.

3. They come to the nasty Game Stop just to make fun of you for working there. They always buy something, so Fyodor wonders if it ever occurred to them that, being the only employee, he was the only one keeping this fucker from closing. He should just go ahead and quit honestly.

The only reason he hasn't quit yet. . . well. . .

He glanced across the hallway to the makeup shop. He put his chin in his hand and leaned on the counter. He sighed again.

There he was. Talking and laughing with that red haired woman who worked with him. His braid was always perfect, his makeup flawless, his multicolored eyes shining in darkness, he was—

"Gorgeous." Fyodor whispered.

"That's so pathetic. Just talk to him."

Fyodor rolled his eyes at the regular customer. God, this kid is annoying. "Now, Mitsuoki, when you grow up and fall in love with someone, you will suddenly lose any scrap of confidence you ever possessed."

Mitsuoki fake gagged and responded with, "Do you even know his name, commie?"

"First of all, I'm a legal citizen of Japan. I moved here when I was thirteen. I'm no longer a communist. Second, of course I do. It's. . ." Fyodor trailed off.

"See?" Mitsuoki smirked. "You don't know his name."

"Ugh, that's not the point. The point is, he's obviously straight and beautiful and not single. I stand no chance, young boy."

Mitsuoki stared at Fyodor, dumbstruck. "He works at a fricken beauty store. He's as gay as that barista from the coffee shop! Also, have you ever seen someone stop by just for him? Don't think so. I'm here like, every day and I've yet to see anything. Just those two older ladies that work with him making out after hours. Just, let me pay for my game."

Fyodor vaguely wondered why a kid would be here after hours and spying on two chicks kissing, but he thought it better to not ask and looked down at the game Mitsuoki slid across the counter. He sighed. And sighed again for good measure.

"Fine. Have fun with Call of Duty. I'll be here, decidedly not talking to anyone."

¤¤

"Ugh! Fuck you, Dazai!"

"Oh~ at least take me out for dinner first!"

"I loathe you!"

"The feeling's mutual, chibikko!"

Chuuya grit his teeth, fully prepared to march over to that stupid ass skating rink and destroy Dazai. He took a step forward and balled his fists.

Then he remembered that he took anger management classes because of this fucker, and therefore would not give him the satisfaction.

He let out a breath and spun around on his heel, walking back to the ice rink. (Which happened to be located right  across from the skating rink. A mistake on the architect's part, really. They probably thought its was convenient or some shit. Little did they know how much conflict their mistake caused.)

"I'm gonna kill that stupid Dazai. This time I mean it, Atsu."

"You say that every day, Chuuya, and there he is, still alive and kickin."

Chuuya groaned. "Yeah yeah, I know. It's only because the fucker wants to die. If he believed life was the best thing to ever happen to him, I'd rip it away without hesitation."

"Well then." Atsushi was leaning against the wall around the ice rink, watching Kyoka skate. "A little dark there, ey, chibikko?"

Chuuya turned his glare from across the hall to Atsushi. "That feels so wrong coming from you so shut up, ew."

Atsushi laughed and nudged Chuuya's shoulder. "Don't act like you don't like him."

"What?! Gross, no way!"

"They all know it. They see all, they hear all."

Chuuya looked quizzically at him. "Who's they, because I might have to revoke their omniscient privileges."

"Oh, ya know." Atsushi smirked. "People."

¤

"Okay, Ranpo. Explain this to me again. Slower," Yukichi was already tired from a long day of work, and with Ranpo's unemployment now on his shoulders (like every other one of Ranpo's problems), Yukichi really just wanted to take a long nap. Lasting about 30 years, preferably.

Ranpo sighed. "Whatever. So again, the officers at the police department were being mean to me because they think a kid isn't as smart as them. Underestimating might be part of the job, but really? I've proven it to them also, but the nonbelievers are still skeptical. "

They were currently sitting in a cafe (that Yukichi knows Ranpo frequents because of the barista), talking about Ranpo's 'newfound freedom', as he called it.

Ranpo suddenly dropped the entire subject and whispered, "That's hiiimmmmm!" He pressed his finger to Yukichi's mouth, silencing him.

A shy looking boy walked nervously over to their table.

"Um, excuse me sirs, but, why is there a man on handcuffs in the booth right next to you? I-I get you're an officer of the law, but I fear my customers might be uncomfortable."

Ranpo sighed dreamily. "That's the most I've ever heard you speak. I think your voice is lovely~"

The barista (who's name was Edgar, which Yukichi found out from Ranpo), was to say the least, surprised.

"Huh?!"

"Don't worry about that man, Ed. Fukuzawa here will take care of him." Ranpo smiled.

"E-Ed?! I don't even know you!"

"You will," Ranpo winked.

"Wha-What does that mean?!"

In case it wasn't clear, here are all the character's jobs.

Fyodor: Game Stop lol.
Dazai: Skating Rink.
Chuuya: Ice Skating Rink. Him and Dazai are rival skating groups how fun haha.
Akutagawa and Gin: Hot Topic.
Atsushi doesnt work at the mall but him and Chuuya are bros so he hangs out there a lot.
Nikolai Yosano and Kouyou work at the beauty shop.
Poe works at the (gay) cafe.
Ranpo just hangs out there tbh. So does Mori.
Fukuzawa is a security guard.
Francis owns the mall.
Kenji works at a flower shop and gives everyone confidence before they confess to their crush lol.