I have absolutely zero idea what the hell is gonna come out of this I'll be honest.

Edit: 5800 words in, and I should just stop writing as a whole. I've disgraced the entire writing community. I am not sorry.

Edit: 7.7k words in, I'm sorry.

Edit: I did not edit this. It's getting published as in. I'm not apologizing.

~
"Now, I just wish to say," you said, looking out towards the empty auditorium, because no one would pay to see your stupid ass. "I do not condone violence against the elderly or children, however--" You pulled out your glock from between your asscheeks.

"Let's also normalize fighting 12 year olds and ashy ass old people." You cocked it. "Hey Siri. Look up the nearest orphanage and nursing homes." Your phone dinged. Several locations popped up, not very far from you.

"LEZ GET IT."

"Y/N, NO--"
Denki ran up behind you and grabbed your wrist, pulling it away from your body. You looked at him, hair flowing behind you like in a romantic comedy K-drama. The lights dimmed, a spotlight on both you and him. You were sucked into Denki's(asshole) electrifying gaze. He stopped, tenderly reaching out his hand to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear.

"Denki-oppa..." Your eyes sparkled like anime tears gliding down a character's cheek after finding out their loved one was brutally stabbed to death in the back alleyway of a busy, bustling city that somehow no one was walking down during the time of the murder even though people are always there 24/7.

"I don't think that's the correct way to address, but that's okay." Denki wrapped his strong man-hand, daddy-esque hand around your back, pressing your dainty, smaller, corset-shaped body against his bulky, muscular, millionaire-playboy body.

"I... you'll be my first, Denki-sama..." Your eyes grew into dinner plates like he just stuck it in for the first time. "Please... be gentle with me." He pressed you against the stage, making sure he was fully on top of you.

"You want me to mark you as mine? Claim you as my omega? Make sure no other Alpha touches you? AARRRFFF BAARRKK BAARRKK GRROOOWWLL RUUUFFF GRRRRRRRRR."

"UWU KNOT ME DADDY."
deNKI BIT YOUR NECK HARD, DRAWING BLOOD AND RUBBING HIS DELICIOUS PHERHOMONES ALL OVER YOUR BODY. HE GROWLED AND BARKED AT THE STAGE CREW WHO TRIED TO SWEEP THE BOTH OF YOU OFF.

"BACK AWAY, SHE'S MINE," he'd growl, "I'M HER ALPHA."

"MR. KAMINARI WE REALLY NEED YOU TO LEAVE PLEASE."

"UWU BREED ME, MY ALPHA."
HE THRUSTED INTO YOU WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND SUNS AND BODY BUILDERS, HIS QUADS AND HAMSTRINGS BURNED WITH MORE PASSION THAN HITER'S QUEST TO RULE THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD--BUT DENKI DIDN'T STOP--AND NEITHER DID HITLER. At least not until the Allies--which happened to be Aizawa--stepped in, slapped him on the wrist, called him a bad boy, and Denki went crying all the way back home like the shock mountain he was.

"What in the fuck is a shock mountain? Like a spring you put in your asshole? Is it a butt plug? That's gnarly."
Aizawa sighed and hauled you up over his shoulder.

"OoohOohH I like it rough ;))))."
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"For one day, can you just not be an idiot?"

"Literally not possible." Your body was suddenly coated in a weird slippery liquid, and you, quite literally, slid between Aizawa's arms and landed on the floor with a wet SLAP. You stood up and deeply inhaled. All of the slime was sucked up into your nostrils. You then sneezed out a giant slime ball.

"Thank you for your assistance," you said to it. "You truly helped me in my most dire of time." The slime ball gave you a thumbs up before being soaked into the floor like vaginal juices in underwear. You then flipped the flashcards in your hand and cleared your throat.

"Where the hell did she get flashcards from?" You heard Bakugo mutter from backstage.

"FROM MY ASS YOU BITCH--DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?!"

"WELL EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO SHOVE EVERYTHING IN YOUR ASS LIKE IT'S A FUCKING LUXURY SUITCASE!!"
You then turned back around, adjusting the monocle that appeared on your eye. A monopoly mustache grew on your face and you tenderly stroked it, making sure to edge it a bit ;))).

"Now, we are going to be doing something we never have before, because Ruby is a lazy piece of shit," you said, opening your mouth and tilting your head back. A pipe fell from the sky and the long piece landed straight down your throat. You turned your head back straight, violently blowing bubbles from the open end. "We're going to be reading some of my favorite comments thatIliterallyIjustpickedoutfiveminutesagobecausethestupidassPickerWheelpickedthechoicetoodamnsoon." You shuffled through the cards.

"This comment comes from @s1ink3r: Yes, because I regularly store guns in my rectum." You looked at the camera that's been recording you the entire time. "I actually do, watch--" You reached your arm up your colon and pulled out a bazooka. You aimed it at the camera like Justin Bieber did that one time on the Ellen show and let it RIP. Then, you spread your asscheeks and shit out a small pile of hand grenades.

"GTA BITCH!" You brought out your mallet and smashed them into the floor where they exploded, sending a torrent of smoke through the stage. "I hope no one was down there. Cause if there are, press F in chat for respect."

"This next comment comes from @cheesatoe: Plawt ermahr. This reply comes from @LyfethePotato: Plaught earmour." You put the one card in your mouth and ate it. "This is referring to the blatant and obvious plot armor bestowed upon me by the writing gods. Sorry you're not as good as me<3 jealously is a disease--get well soon bitch mwah." You blew a kiss at the camera and winked. Everyone at home gagged. You took the card and swiped it between your lips like a credit card before making it disappear.

"Uh... which lips did she--"

"Shh, just don't ask," Kirishima shushed the green uncooked, unseasoned vegetable.

"This next comment--and probably my favorite--comes from @DazaiandChuuyasBitch: I also have 5 racoons and 75 feet of anal plugs that I use to swing like Tarzan." You laughed, throwing your head back and cracking your back in half. "I LOVE THIS." You cackled like an evil witch staying under the radar during the Salem Witch Trials.

"... do you think this fame is getting to her head?" Sero asked nervously.

"Nah, not at all. Y/n's humble about it, trust me," Denki replied.

"I AM THE BEST!"

"... completely humble!" Denki sweated. You took the card and shoved it up your nose before snorting it into your lung like a line of coke.

"This last comment comes from @__dxsty__: *grabs lightsaber out of ass*." So that's what you did. The red lightsaber blazed to life. "ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS." Mineta came out of the shadows, removing the black hood from his head.

"If she breathes..." He brought out his blue lightsaber. "SHE'S A THOOOOOOOOOT!!!" You and him clashed, blue against red. Evil against good. You grabbed him by his stupid looking face and held him above your head.

"IT'S PEGGING TIME MOTHERFUCKER!" You shoved the lightsaber up his ass.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone backstage cringed or looked away, but no one felt bad for the poor rapegrape. You threw his lifeless body off the stage where it was swallowed in the endless pit of despair and darkness. You clapped your hands together cheerfully.

"Well that was fun! Thank you five for leaving such wonderful comments!" You said happily, "Don't worry! There are hundreds of comments worthy of being mentioned, but as I said before, Ruby's a lazy piece of shit." You then whipped out a fedora and cool-dude lookin sunglasses.

"HIT IT!"
Bruno Mars' That's What I Like started playing.

"BOOMP EYYY BOOMP EYYY BOOMP EYYYY..." You moonwalked to the edge of the stage. "I gotta GUN *COCKS GUN* NO GIRLS. GIRLS GOTTA DIE--*GUNSHOTS MIXED WITH DRUMS* WAKE UP WITH NO HHUUEHHHH. JUILIOIOIOIOHHHHHHHHH. I CAN I CAN'T--BABY BEANS. YOU AND YOUR PE NIS. INPOOPMENTS. J̶J̶J̶U̶U̶U̶U̶U̶U̶U̶ N̶N̶N̶N̶N̶N̶N̶N̶ H̶H̶H̶H̶H̶H̶H̶H̶ j̶u̶s̶h̶j̶u̶s̶h̶ J U M P in the CAAC. YEAH." The music screeched to a stop before changing to a different song. The lights turned to green and red. A santa hat fell squarely on top of your head, a bushy white beard sprouting on your face.

"Oh no..." Sero's eyes widened.

"It's not even November, what--"

"SHUT UP!" Your demonic voice screeched, eyes turning blood red. All of them violently shivered.

"I~~ don't wan all-lot for ChristmaAas. THEEEERE Is just one thing I neEeEd. IIIII Don't care about the presenNnts. UNDERneath the Christmas treeEe. IIIIII just juant you 4 my OWN... MOOOoOORE than you could ever knoOow. Make my wish COME TRUUUUuuUUEEeeEE... ALLLLLLLLLLL I want... for Chris maaAAaaAAAs... IIiiIiiIiiis... YouUUUuuuuUUUUuuUUU WAHHHHHHHHHHH." A stage manager harshly whispered for your attention. Everything came to a halt. He pointed at the script in his hands. You looked at your script and turned to page 394.

"OOHHH OH OH OKAY." You nodded before throwing the script over your shoulder. You brought out a cactus from behind your back.

"Oh god."
You held it up to show it to everyone. Like Shakespeare holding a skull that no one seemed to worry about.

"WHO AM I TO SHOVE A CACTUS UP HER ASS??? WELL AT LEAST ITS BETTER THAN A DILDO MADE OF FRAGILE GLASS... OR IS IT? SEE THE FLIPPING OF THE CACTUS, I THINK HE'S ANGRY AT THE LAW PRACTICE. HE FINDS IT HARD TO SEE THE ASS, OVERSHADOWED BY THE DRY ALSACE. WHO IS THAT CRYING NEAR THE ASS? I THINK SHE'D LIKE TO EAT THE ALSACE. SHE IS BUT A SPIKY ASS, ADMIRED AS SHE SITS UPON A LASSE. HER TIGHT CAR IS JUST A BUTT, IT NEEDS NO GAS, IT RUNS ON RUSH NUT. SHE'S NOT ALONE SHE BRINGS A CACTUS, A PET CACTUS, AND LOTS OF LAW PRACTICE. THE CACTUS LIKES TO CHASE A DOG, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT'S IN THE HOG. THE CACTUS SHUDDERS AT THE RED PUSSYCAT. HE WANTS TO LEAVE BUT SHE WANTS THE THERMOSTAT."
Midoriya wiped away a tear that rolled down his cheek. Ashido, Sero, and Denki all sniffed, sharing tissues with one another at the beautiful rhyming couplet. For the finale, you whipped down your pants and bent over.

"Oh no--"

"HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You shoved the entire cactus up your ass.

Then the ambulance had to come because you suffered from an anal prolapse, but because your fuckin butthole was like a porcupine, no one could help you. So you were admitted to the hospital. They put you on a shit ton of drugs because you were singing Smooth Criminal the entire fuckin time and it annoyed all of the doctors and nurses. So they drugged you off and shipped you to the other side of the hospital. Through your hazy stupor, you fell asleep tied down to the hospital bed, because earlier, you tried to fuck a patient still in surgery. You didn't know you fell asleep, but you did.

"Hey... hey! Wake up! Are you okay?"
Slowly, your eyes opened. A long snout was close to your face. Dark brown eyes and grey fur were looking down at you.

"... Legoshi? ... wait..." You snapped up and cupped your chest. "Hah hah... boobies." You then shook your head and looked over towards the... thing. He... or you were assuming it was a he. Your eyes trailed down to his bare bottom--yep, it was a he.

"Uh... am I tripping, or is there a wolf standing on two legs talking to me."
The wolf trapped you against the bed, sniffing your neck.

"GODDAMMIT NOT AGAIN."

"Would you leave the poor girl alone?"
You looked over at the booming voice--

"A FUCKIN DRAGON?!?!?!" Your eyes popped out of your skull. The wolf blinked at them rolling around on the dusty floor. Carefully, he picked them up and popped them back into your skull. Your eyes did a complete 360 in your sockets, and when they came back around, they were squeaky clean. "Wait, so... what am I doing here? Am I dreaming?"

"I don't know, are you?"
You snapped your neck in half to look behind you. Your eyes melted into a goo.

"A UNICORN--HOE, WHAT IN THE BEASTSTARS IS GOIN ON HERE?" You straightened your head up and sucked your eye goo back into your head. The wolf picked you up under your arms and sat you back on the bed better. "Where did this bed come from." The wolf put his knee on the bed and the unicorn and dragon walked up to you.

"Uh... AUTHOR WHAT IN THE DRAMATICAL MURDER IS GOING ON HERE--"
The wolf crawled over to you and you backed up, only to be trapped against the unicorn.

"Are y'all... are y'all gonna do what I think you're gonna do?"
The wolf gently ran his humanoid paw down your cheek and neck.

"Only if you want to... awoooooooo."
You looked into the camera. You blinked once. Twice. Thrice. Then you shrugged.

"Say less."

~
When you woke up again, there was a nurse tending to you and your machines and shit, cause they're freaky like that. You looked down at your cooter.

"Hey, miss girl," you said, "Did there happen to be a unicorn, dragon, and wolf in here?" The nurse looked at you before sighing and writing something on her clipboard.

"We're upping your medication."

"Can I tell you a story?" You suddenly asked. The nurse sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Go ahead."

"Well... this story... starts from the beginning..." The lights in the hospital dimmed, background music beginning like you were doing an aria. "The day that I was born was the only day that I was born... at a ripe old age of the age I was on the only day that I was born that day... the age that I was that day is younger than the age I am now, but older than the age I was before the day I was born... it was on that day that would be the first day of the rest of my life... my mother cradled my younger aged self to her chest on that day that I was born, born on that day... and it was then she said... 'Fetus deletus'... before yoting me out of the hospital window." The lights brightened and the music was gone. The nurse looked like she had gone through hell.

"... yeah... we're definitely gonna up your medication."

"WELL FUCK YOU SUSAN!"

~
When you were finally released from the hospital(on a dangerous amount of drugs) you stumbled out into the street. You looked around with squinted eyes, circles darker than an unbleached pornstar's asshole around them. When you turned the corner, you stopped. Blinking, your eyes focused on the crustacean in front of you.

"... a... crab?"

https://youtu.be/RxBQ4lxxJL0

*AGGRESSIVE CRAB MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY*

"hUH?" You looked around.

Click Clack Click-Click Clack
Click Clack Click-Click Clack
Click Clack Click-Click Clack
Click Clack Click-Click Clack
A fuckin horde of crabs slowly waddled out of the stores. You looked around, eyes wide.

"HhhnnnnnHHHHHHH???????" You made a noise of confuzzlement.

CLICK CLACK CLICK-CLICK CLACK
CLICK CLACK CLICK-CLICK CLACK
CLICK CLACK CLICK-CLICK CLACK
CLICK CLACK CLICK-CLICK CLACK
The crabs slowly crawled out of the sewers and from the driver's seat of cars. You backed up into a metal pole.

CLICK CLACK CLICK-CLICK CLACK
CLICK CLACK CLICK-CLICK CLACK

CLICK CLACK CLICK-CLICK CLACK
CLICK CLACK CLICK-CLICK CLACK
The pedestrians who were walking by you collapsed to the ground, red crabs clickiting out of the clothes.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!"
The drop was beginning to build. The crabs created a circle around you like you were the eye of a hurricane. You looked around to find an exit--or anywhere that you could escape to, but no. Everywhere you looked was CRAB. There was no more SOCIETY only CRAB. There was no more nature, only CRAB. There was no more earth, only CRAB. When the beat dropped, the crabs raised their arms like they were praising the crab Gods. They jumped around you in a spiral to the beat, shaking their crabby asses. Their pincers clicked and clacked along with the beat, creating a never-ending cacophony of CLICK CLACK. You were stuck in an endless loop of CRABS and Crab Rave. There was no where to run. No where to hide. For everything now belonged to the superior CRAB. If you tried to run, you were grabbed by their more powerful claws. The crabs slowly coalesced into the CRAB OVERLORD, eyes glowing yellow in judgement and purgatory. Only He shall judge you for your sins that you have brought upon this world. You can never get away from the CRAB OVERLORD, he will follow you until the edge of the world--until the edge of the universe, for the entire fabric of space, time, and reality, now belonged to the CRAB. When you looked up into the sky, the big dipper was replaced with the BIG CRAB. Scorpius was replaced by CRABIUS. Ursa Major was now CRABUS CRABOR. Crabs were everywhere--they were now the gods to the New World--the CRAB WORLD.

The beat slowly grew louder and louder in volume, and the CRAB OVERLORD towered over you. It opened its mouth and sparkles were hurled out of it. You were showered in its(cum) holy spirit and agenda. You blinked before looking down at your hands. click clack.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

You were promptly slapped across the face.

"What the heck are you doing yelling in the middle of the street for? Don't you have any respect for other people?"
You blinked, your vision focusing on an old, de-crabbified lady in front of you.

"I... who are you?" You asked, tilting your head.

"You don't need to know my name," she replied, "But I wanna know what you're doing standing out here like this." You looked around. Nothing was crab anymore. It was... back to normal.

"I... I thought I was being turned into a crab."
The lady scoffed.

"Of course. You kids and your little 'fantasies'." The woman crossed her arms. "Get in tune with the real world. Life isn't as easy as your mommy and daddy make it for you. One day, you're gonna go out and get fucked over cause you don't know what the hell you're doing." You gave her a stank face.

"Lady, I have no idea what the hell your problem is, but you need to back off."

"This is America! I can do and say whatever the hell I want!"

"... first off, this is Japan, you stupid fuck, and second... are you a boomer."

"And so what if I am? You millennials and your stupid little phones--back in my day, we didn't have phones. We had to actually hand write letters and send them--we actually worked to communicate."

"... Ruby... what does the Picker Wheel say?"

"Say less."
You dual-wielded your frying pans and attacked the woman who screeched.

"BIDEN=HARRIS, MOTHERFUCKER!" You yelled, throwing the pans away. You patted your elbow before jumping and elbowing the bitch into the asphalt.

~
After you were roughly pulled away from beating the stupid boomer into the ground, you went back to the dorms. With a sigh, you flopped face-first onto your bed. After the exciting day you've had, you needed some rest... without getting fucked by mythical creatures.

"Psssst. Y/n."
Your eyes opened with an angry minecraft villager noise.

"I need some help."
You pushed yourself up and looked over at your door. Denki was standing in your doorway.

"Why in the hell are you not wearing pants."

"I need something."

"What in the hell do you need now."

"I need some... cream."

"Cream for what."
Denki turned around and bent over, spreading his asscheeks.

"Jesus fucking christ, what is that."

"I got burned."

"From doing WHAT?! A fucking stove?!"

"I was riding my pillow..."

"..."

"..."

"... you fucking bottom, okay, hold on." You opened your mouth and shoved your hand down it, pulling out Boudreaux's Butt Paste Diaper Rash Ointment | Maximum Strength | 4 Ounce (Pack of 1) Tube | Paraben & Preservative Free cream. You tossed it over to him where he caught it. He looked at you.

"What?"

"You're not gonna help me apply it?"

"Say less."

...

...

...

"hooOOOOOOOOO YYYEEEAHHHHHHH~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!"

~
You gingerly knocked on the front door. It swung open, revealing a sweet-lookin elderly couple.

"Can we help you young lady?" The woman asked.

"heeeeEEEEEEEEEEELLO MAAM, ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM SEXUAL DEPRAVITY FROM YOUR HUSBAND?!" You asked, pushing up your glasses that were just two monocles glued together.

"I... excuse me?" The woman asked.

"If you find yourself suffering from the side effects of a selfish, straight man who doesn't even know where the clit is, well then, do I have a product for you!" You reached into your pocket. "Say hello to Get Off!" You pulled out a blender.

"With this easy-to-put-together device, now you can finally get off without your useless husband rubbing your left lip and asking if you're close!!" You plugged the blender in and took off the lid. "Now disguised as an everyday household item for maximum privacy and discretion, Get Off is not only portable, but completely customizable!!" You brought out a giant black dildo. You slammed it into the blender.

"Now add your own choice of dildo and let that baby rip!" You pressed a button and the blender turned on. Instead of blending the dildo to shreds, it began to thrust upward. "Or! You can get even more detailed and throw on a vibrator! It just easily attaches to the clip in the blending cup!" You brought out a vibe and attached it to the blender. You turned it on.

"Just listen to those crisp vibrations!"
The woman and man stared at you in shock.

"Normally a 20 dollar value--but if you call now, you'll get the Get Off for only 13.99! But wait! There's more!" You brought out a small case and opened it. "As a gift from me to you, I'll throw in my hand-picked D-V collection! Yours absolutely free!" Several dildos and vibes laid in the case, all differing in sizes and colors.

"So call now!"
The woman and man slowly turned to look at each other.

"Please buy one! I have to get to my daily quota or I can't go back home to my wife!"
The woman then looked at you.

"I'll take your whole stock."

~
You went back to the dorms after your successful salesman sailing sales. When you got back into the lounge, Bakugo was the only one there. He was sitting in casual clothes on the couch.

"Oi, where the hell have you been?" He asked as you walked by. You did a 360 and backpeddled.

"I don't remember you being my mom, Bakuhoe."
You and him glared at each other.

"HA? THAT'S GOT NOTHIN' TO DO WITH ANYTHING!"

"SHUT UP PORK FACE! IT AINT NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS WHERE THE HELL I WAS!"

"FUCK YOU BITCH! YOU'RE ALWAYS GETTIN INTO TROUBLE AND DRAGGIN OUR ASSES DOWN WITH YOU!"

"YOU ABSOLUTE WHORE, I WILL TURN YOUR FUCKIN LEG SKIN INTO MY NEXT DESIGNER PURSE!"

"HA!?!?!?!? YOU THREATENING ME, YOU DAMN EXTRA?!?!"

"THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I BE DOING, YOU WHINY, SECOND-PLACE LOSER?!?!"

"SHUT UP!!! YOU'RE JUST MAD I'VE NEVER GOTTEN ARRESTED!!!"

"FUCK OFF WILL YA?!?! I'LL TURN YOUR SKULL INTO A PINCHPOT, YA FUCKIN GOON!"

"I'M GONNA BLAST YOUR ASS INTO SPACE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!"

"I'LL INFLATE YOUR INTESTINE AND MAKE IT INTO A BALLOON DOG!!"

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"I'LL SHOVE MY ARMS DOWN YOUR THROAT AND UP YOUR ASS AND RIP YOU LIKE A BEYBLADE!!"

"HUH?!?!?!!?!!?! I WANNA SEE YOU FUCKIN TRY, YOU DAMN CRIMINAL!!!!"

"I'LL TURN YOUR DICK INTO A FUCKIN CLARINET AND BLOW IT UNTIL IT POPS!!"

"YOUR FACE WILL BE UNRECOGNIZABLE WHEN I GET DONE WITH YOU!!"

"I'LL INVERT YOUR RIBCAGE!!"

"I'LL FUCKING DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!!!"

"I'M GONNA REPLACE YOUR BONE MARROW WITH PISS!"

"I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU'LL CALL ME DENKI!"

"I'M GONNA REPLACE YOUR KNEECAPS WITH POORLY-MOLDED PLAYDOUGH KNEECAPS!!"

"COME AT ME, YOU DAMNED BITCH!!"

"I'LL SHIT IN YOUR EYE SOCKET, YOU HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF PINKEYE!!"
You two were violently ripped apart by Aizawa's cloth, mouths gagged.

"Shut up, both of you!"
You and Bakugo glared at each other from across the room, solely threatening to kill each other when Aizawa actually let go of you. You shoved your fingers up your ass and pulled out your SLAP STICK (not in relation to Slap Chop). You broke out of Aizawa's bindings and ran up to Bakugo, slapping him in the face with the SLAP STICK. He went flying through the window, all the way off the property.

"L/n!" Aizawa yelled, activating his quirk, mistakenly thinking that the SLAP STICK was a part of your quirk. You turned to look at him.

"What? I'm just showin off my new product. The SLAP STICK. Not in association with Slap Chop." You jumped out of the window. A bird flew by you. It got SLAP STICKED. Feathers flew everywhere. They got SLAP STICKED. You landed on the ground, your eyes shining bright like a diamond(love you Riri, sponsor me<3). You sniffed the ground like a rabid dog, catching Bakugo's scent.

"YOU BOUTTA GET SLAPPED THE STICKED STICK UP, BITCH!!" You yelled, your feet being replaced by rockets. You blasted up, off, and away towards where Bakugo was. There was an explosion. He also came soaring through the air. He reeled his arm back, hands sparking. You raised the SLAP STICK above your head.

"KAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEEEE--" You two slowly flew closer to each other. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--" The two of you reached out for each other.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That's how the two of you managed to destroy the universe and the very fabric of reality as a whole. That's what the power of the SLAP STICK is capable of. The very same power that you can have, for only $9.99! Just call this number: 1-800-yo-mamas-titties for 20% off!

~
You woke up with a startling gasp, sweat coating your body like a second skin. You looked around to see you were still in your room in the dorm. It was still early in the morning. You exhaled, calming your racing heart.

'Just a weird, dreamception dream. Nothing to be concerned about...'

"Psst."
Your eyes popped out of your skull. You craned your head to the side of your bed to see Mineta hiding under it.

"Can I see..." He strained, eyes red and bulging like a prolapsed anus.

"Can you see... what?" You asked, slowly reaching your hand for your hunting rifle.

"... tootsies..."

"What?"
Mineta ripped off your covers, exposing your feet.

"UH HOLD ON--EXCUSE ME--WHAT--"
Mineta grabbed your feet and shoved your big toes up his nose, inhaling all of the dirt and grime lingering there.

"EXCUSE ME, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, THIS IS FUCKING ASSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAULT." Like a vacuum, you were slowly being sucked into Mineta's nose.

"YOUR FEET SMELL LIKE GUNS AND ROSES--AHHH~!!!!!"

"ARE YOU FUCKING CUMMING IN MY FUCKING ROOM FROM FUCKING SMELLING MY FUCKING FEET WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You grabbed your rolling pin. You then looked straight into the camera. "I don't condone beating children."

"DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!" You took the rolling pin and bashed him over the head with it, successfully ripping your feet from his nostrils with a POP. You mounted him and beat his head into the ground. Grape juice squirted out of him, all over the walls and floor--and most importantly--you. When you were done, you stood up and wiped the grape juice from your forehead, looking down at Mineta's mangled corpse. You spit on it.

"You're nothing," you spat.

We interrupt this program to bring you... Love Making 101, with Y/n L/n, featuring her partner... Mx. Chair.

The spotlight shone down on the lone chair in the middle of the room. The sound of heels clicking against the floor echoed. Your silhouette appeared in the limelight. Crazy In Love by Sofia Karlberg began to play. The whip you held cracked. When your eyes moved to the unmoving chair, you smirked. You sauntered over to it, gently brushing your finger across the back.

"You've been a real naughty chair, haven't you?" You took your hand and smacked the seat. "I'll have to teach you some respect." You placed your foot on the leather seating and cracked the whip again. Slowly, you straddled it, licking the metal backing.

Y-Y/n-sama~ A-ah~~~

"Shhhh," you said gently, moving your face closer to it. "I'll give you a reason to moan in a minute." The chair's legs grew warmer.

Y/n-sama, pl-please~!

"Quiet," you hissed, gently rubbing the underside of the seat.

Y/n-sama--ah~!

You licked down the metal backing. Suddenly, the music cut out. The doors were slammed open.

"We're in, over," an officer said.

"What the fu--" You were ripped from the chair.

"Y/n L/n, you're arrested for the crimes of having sex with a chair, beating a minor to death, beating an elderly woman to death, beastiality, completely tearing apart the fabric of reality, and for selling a dangerous, government-denied patented sex toy to an elderly couple."

"I CAN'T GO BACK!" You headbutted the officer and jumped over your handcuffed arms before taking off.

"AND FOR RESISTING ARREST!"

"YOU CAN RESIST MY ASS, YOU FUCKIN BITCH!!" You kneed an officer in the nuts. "ACAB, BITCH!"

~
And that's how you were placed in maximum security. For the second time :)). Metal clanged, and a tray was slid underneath the door silently. Potatoes, bread, and a spoon was on top of it.

'Who the fuck eats bread with a spoon.' You thought, worming yourself over to the door like a depressed slug. You grabbed the tray and placed it on your lap, taking the bread and biting into it. You froze. Slowly, you looked down at the loaf of bread--or rather--what you thought was bread.

'N-no...'
Chiffon cake stared right back up at you. Your pupils dilated like you had snorted ten pounds of crack. You looked at the potatoes with a terrified stare. Slowly, carefully, you reached your other hand out to it. You grabbed a handful of potatoes, but instead of the buttery, dirt-grown goodness... coconut cake stared right back at you.

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!" You threw the tray at the wall. Instead of metal clanking against stone, cake splattered against the wall. You backed into the wall, but your back touched something cold and moist. You turned your head and slowly sunk your face into the wall, getting consumed by the Almighty CAKE. You jumped away, blowing cake out of your mouth like water from a bong.

"No, no no no NO NO!" You ran to the metal door and pushed against it, but you flew through it, icing coating your entire body. A whistle blew.

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" An officer yelled.

"ICAN'THELPITEVERYTHINGISCAKE--wait..." You suddenly licked your lips, a smirk coming to your face. "Everything is CAKE!" You ran towards the officer and he just yelled, trying to restrain you again. You violently bit into his arm, tearing off a chunk of chocolate cake.

"OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!!!!!!!!" You ate the officer, letting out a giant burp in the end. You heard yells and sirens from the facility. You heard the delicious running steps of more cake coming down the hallway. "Oh ho ho, I'm eating well today." You licked your lips. That's how you ended up eating over 20 people and amputating several inmates. As you were running out of the prison, you heard light crying. You stopped and looked around. You began to walk around the corner.

Press F to pick up baby

"What..." You halted, suddenly seeing instructions pop up in the air.

wasd to move

"Hold on, what--" You looked down to see a child at your feet. You blinked at it. "What the hell am I supposed to--"

Objective: Take care of the child while the parents are away

"Away? Away where? Away for the day? Week? Forever?" You leaned your body over to stare down at the vomit machine. "... I have an idea." You pulled out your glock and cocked it.

"Any time's an abortion if you kill your child." You shot it. There was a beep. Your expression dropped. A portal appeared above you and another baby plopped out of it. "... what." You lagged as hundred of thousands baby fell from the sky like rubber duckies.

"Oh no..."
The babies all turned their heads to you simultaneously. Their eyes began to glow a menacing green. They all pulled out knives from their diapers.

"What the fuck..."
They all collectively let out a baby battle screech before stumbling up to their feet.

"OKAY WHAT THE FUCK."
They all ran at you like stumbling drunk adults. You narrowed your eyes at them.

"Okay... so that's how you wanna play, huh?" You brought out a mammoth dildo and a kebab stick. "Dinner's served, bitches."

"CHILDREN ON A STICK! COME GET YOUR OWN CHILD ON A STICK!" You waved your hand. "COME GET YOUR VERY OWN AND PERSONALIZED CHILD-ON-A-STICK KEBAB! ONLY $3.99 A KEBAB!!"

"Excuse me."
You turned your body and shoved a child-on-a-stick kebab in their face.

"CARE FOR A CHILD-ON-A-STICK KEBAB? ONLY $3.99!"
They laughed nervously before pushing the giant thing out of their face.

"No, I wanted to know if I could ask you something," they said with a smile. You blinked at them before shoving the entire stick in your mouth. When you pulled it back out, the cooked children were gone.

"Sure, go ahead," you replied, burping so loud the ground shook and the tectonic plates moved. They only laughed nervously and rubbed the back of their head.

"I was wondering... if you would care to go on a date with me?"
You looked at them, blinking. You then rubbed your eyes without closing them, making sure to rub your eyesballz real good.

"Are you jerkin my donkey dong right now? Are you shiftin my shift gears? Flippin my pancake? Washin my washboard? Brickin my bricks?"

"... uh..."

"Actually, shh," you said, pressing your finger against their lips.

"I didn't say anything--"

"No, shh, it's okay," you quickly interrupted, "I have a perfect date idea."

"... oh no..."

~
"C'mon, get it in deeper, dude."

"It's a grapefruit, Y/n, I'm trying my best!"

"That's no excuse! Quit bein a push and push it in all the way! FruitHub is gonna love this!" Your recorded your new friend sheathing themselves fully inside of the grapefruit with a squelch. "There you go!" You turned into Prod. Y/n and recorded them slowly thrusting in and out of the juicy, WAP fruit.

"I feel violated," they said through panting breaths.

"No one gives a shit about you," you said dismissively, making sure to zoom in on the juicy goodness and WAP deliciousness. "Not everything's about you." You then jumped on top of the table to get an overview view.

"Yeahhhh that's right, get deep inside that grapefruit, you nasty seed fucker."

"I feel uncomfortable."

"I DON'T CARE, I'M--I mean, WE'RE GONNA BE RICH!"

~
Once you were done filming your top rated movie, you uploaded it to the Hub where is proceeded to get 20 views. Nine dislikes and one like.

"Ugh, people don't know art when they see it." You scoffed, throwing the whole set away, including your friend. "Next scene!" A new set was rolled in, with a stage, lights, crew, and backstage area. You sat on the lone chair in the middle of the chair. A piano ballad began to play in the background.

"This is the story of one girl... of one zoo... and of one penguin," you began, a sparkling tear rolling down your cheek. "Of how their love was meant to be, but how the circumstances and times disallowed their love to blossom into a beautiful life shared by one girl... and one penguin." You stood up, suddenly wearing an opera one shoulder ruffle bow patch maxi tail dress.

"It all started when 8 year old Y/n L/n in elementary school when to a zoo as a school field trip. She was so excited... she had everything ready... a camera to take pictures, snacks to stuff in her fat mouth, extra clothes in case she violently shitted herself as a defense mechanism... everything was perfect..." You violently sniffed, almost sucking in the piano. "But then...! She saw it! The black and white! The shortness! The knees-tucked-into-its-body-because-its-skeletal-proportions-don't-match-up-with-its-body-on-the-outside! She had to have it to herself! It was adorable! The eyes, the beak, the wings! Everything just sucked her in like a vacuum with all the loose dirt you nasties tread into your house when you don't take off your shoes like some sort of BARBARIAN!" You composed yourself and sat back down, holding up a masquerade mask to hide your glistening(cum) tears.

"But she was exposed! After successfully luring the penguin into her warm, kind embrace, she cheeta'd her way out of the zoo--away from the prying, judgmental eyes. She hid at the back of the bus, shushing the alarmed penguin that it'd be alright... he was safe with her... but then... but then...!" You shook with anguish, collapsing to your knees in front of the chair. "She was found out! A poisonous, bunch-backed toad found her hiding under the seat with a scared penguin and told the teacher!!" You crawled forward, reaching your hand out to the only spotlight in the auditorium.

"They were ripped away from each other! Torn apart like the sun and moon! Never to belong together! He was biscuits, but she was not gravy!" You slammed your fist onto the stage, resting your oily forehead on it. "They were banned from the zoo... Y/n was no longer allowed to see her lover... sometimes... sometimes she stays up at night, wondering if her penguin lover is okay... if he's alive, healthy, safe, loved... if he has a family... children... a spouse..." Your tears fell to the stage as the piano ballad rose to a crescendo before everything stopped. The curtains began to close. No one clapped.

"PSSSSSSST Y/N! NEXT SCENE!" The backstage manager hissed towards you. You looked at him and nodded.

"Oh! Right!" You ripped off your dress and wiped your tears, jumping on the bed. You spread your legs and waited to be painted like a French girl. The curtains rose. "T all did start at which hour one lone wench hath bought a boxeth of condoms one lonely night on a night yond wast v'ry lonely."

"The lady bethought to h'rself, 'gee.  what wouldst t beest liketh.  to has't one night with a quaint knave'." You slid like a snake onto the bed, lettin that thang thangin. "So yond's what the dram mistress didst.  the lady wenteth down to the closest night club and hath brought home a skat'r knave.  Dark eyes yond did hold myst'ry in those folk.  Black hair did sweep to the side liketh some edgy, goth, emo peat backeth in middle school who is't did hiss at ev'ryone."

"At which hour those gents did get backeth to the apartment, the two of those folk beganeth to doth the filthy.  receiveth down and nasty." You rolled over to your back and looked up at the ceiling. "The quaint knave and the virgin wench fuck'd into the m'rning, waiting until the yells and complaints of the neighb'rs hath grown so loud yond the walls did crack with f'rce."

"The two did want to escape--to elope with each oth'r and alas off into the sunset--but alas--fate wast not on their side.  F'r at which hour the quaint knave stoodeth up, that gent did clutch his chest bef're falling to the did grind, dead." You suddenly sat up like you were the girl from The Exorcist. "The wench wast inconsolable.  That lady one night standeth loveth wast gone.  Dead.  Did perish.  Still hath lost in the ordinary of souls.  The lady wast hath left high-lone.  Masterless.  Coequal at which hour the lady drap'd herself ov'r his cooling corse, crying--begging f'r that gent to returneth to the ordinary of the living, the only ones who is't hath heard that lady cries wast the ones who is't did pull that lady hence backeth into a ordinary of lonliness and coldness."

We interrupt this One Woman Play to bring you, a Roasting Session with Y/n L/n. Featuring, Bakugo Katsuki, and Author.

The curtains slid apart with Bakugo and Author sitting across from you. The three of you eyed each other up.

"It's the four prison visits for me."

"It's the superiority complex for me."

"It's the inability to recognize your own faults for me."

"It's fucking up my life since day one for me."

"It's that stupid face for me."

"It's ending All Might's career for me."

"YOU LITTLE BITCH NIUFWEABHERSIUFGSNHUGIUTR--"

"It's the bleached blond porcupine hair for me."

"It's the dead parents for me."

"..."

"..."

"It's the dead parent, dead sister, no love life, zero crushes, horniness 24/7 but no sexual outlet, can't healthily express your emotions without crying because you've spent years bottling them up because you were in a situation where if you expressed them it would've made everything worse, for me."

"..."

"..."

"It's the fucking a cactus and getting an STI for me."

"It's the almost fucking a guy six year older than you, for me."

"HE WAS HOT, OKAY."

"It's the drug addiction for me."

"It's the crippling romantic loneliness for me."

"It's the criminal record for me."

"It's the oily, rocky road forehead for me."

"It's the plot armor for me."

"It's the OP af quirk for me."

"It's the daddy issues for me."

"It's the mommy issues for me."

"Op--" Bakugo looked between you two, suddenly feeling inadequate.

"It's the constant 420 high for me."

"It's the inability to get into healthy relationships for me."

"It's the inability to not get arrested in a three month period for me."

"It's being into bloodplay for me."

"It's being a furry for me."

"I AM NOT A FURRY."

"YOU TRIED TO MARRY A PENGUIN."

"OKAY AND? LOVE IS LOVE BITCH!"

"IT'S... A PENGUIN."
The curtains abruptly closed on all three of you. Three spotlights began to circle on the red cloth.

We now present to you... breaking into the U.S government with Y/n L/n.

You cannonballed through the Oval Office windows. You looked at the (worst)46th president.

"Sup President Toupee."
Secret Service was immediately called on you. Turnip stood from the desk, rambling on about how you were a spy send from the Democratic party to wire him like Obama did. The SS burst into the room, guns drawn, while multiple people were attempting to evacuate the present. You just shrugged.

"No need." You clapped your hands and everyone froze. You hopped in the chair at the desk and pulled out your phone. "Now, for the finale... I'm going to be reading comments again. To end on a wholesome note." You opened the Wattpad app and tapped on a My Hero Academia fanfic entitled 'Try Me, Bitch' by Red__Ruby/Author Red. You scrolled through the last five chapters of the book.

"This comment is from @Nox404: My lungs are gonna implode from how hard I'm laughing." You looked at the camera. "Good. I like my food messy."

"This one is from @TinyAssGoon_62: Did you just use the past presence of yeet." You began to brush your teeth with a pen. "Yes I did, the fuck you gonna do? Yote me out the window?"

"This is what @CWrites2024 said: Hey Alexa, play deep throat." You popped the lollipop out of your mouth with a smack. "As she fuckin should."

"@TinyAssGoon_62 commented again: ooh we spoke a little French there." You wrapped your hair in curlers. "I don't know if y'all know this, but I'm fluent in French, Japanese, and English. Just don't ask me to say anything, cause I'll say some racist ass shit."

"This one is also from @Nox404: *stonks man* megik." You put your clothes in the dryer. "Yes, I'm also a magician. I'm sure you all noticed that though."

"This one is also from @Nox404, cause apparently, they never shut the fuck up: miss manami? miss manami? oh my fvcking God, she fvckin dead." You started to give your pet bunny a bath. "Yeah, she is dead. I made sure she was back on top of that construction site."

"@EscapingReality333 said: I would swallow it all up💖✨." You opened a bag of cheetos. "When's your OnlyFans dropping?"

"@bunnybvtch says: He's balls." You sat on top of the desk. "We're discussing Endeavor here, and you're right. He's balls."

"@Daughter_0f_SIMPS says: That's what my dad said before my mom got prego espresso😌." You looked at the camera and removed the cigar from your mouth, snuffing it out on the wood. "He should've swallowed."

"This is from one of my beloved bitches who talk in Ruby's server(link on my conversations board) @dawn_daemon: *phil swift voice* that's a lot of damage!" You sipped your tea. "My dear Dawn Daemon... everything is a lot of damage when you're mentally and emotionally unstable."

"This last comment is from @MinZariah love you bae mwah: kinky how did u know I was in to this-" You blew bubbles from your pipe. "Honey, I know everything." You then jumped off the desk. You pulled out a folded card from your butt and slowly unfolded it into a giant postcard.

THANKS FOR READING!

... I'll see myself out the door.

Ja ne!

{Ruby Red}