Audrey's POV

One year and five months ago

"Do you have a condom?" I breathlessly asked Nikolai as he carried me inside his apartment and pressed my back against the wall while trailing kisses down my neck.

"Yes," he answered with a devilish smirk as he brought me into the bedroom and gently put me down on the bed.

"Hurry up," I demanded as I took off my clothes and threw them at him while he excitedly undid his shirt and jeans. I propped myself on my elbows as he climbed on top of me and caught my mouth with his. Once he broke off the kiss, he looked at me with desire in his eyes for a couple of seconds before he trailed his kisses down my body until his head was between my thighs. That night, he made me orgasm three times and showed me that my needs came before his. Pun intended.

Nikolai has been my boyfriend for four months. This was actually our first time becoming sexually intimate and I admit, it was stupendous. And Nikolai was a gorgeous specimen. Long beautiful curly black hair that reached halfway down his back, high cheekbones, gorgeous green eyes, and a body that would make young Zac Effron envious.

Of course, my mother was giddy with excitement when she found out that I was dating Nikolai, especially after I came out as a bisexual to her over a year ago and told me in private that the two of us would make an excellent married couple.

And let me tell you something, I will not be marrying anyone anytime soon. I want to live my twenties enjoying my freedom and focusing on me, not some kids and a husband who will probably not provide attention or help with the household and I'll end up like one of those many married single mothers that I keep hearing about. I mean, ending up with a decent man is like finding a needle in a haystack.

But things have been going pretty well between me and Nikolai. He pays attention to me, always opens doors for me, doesn't let me walk on the outside of the sidewalk, cooks for me, etc.,

He's the man of any girl's dreams, but it wasn't enough for me. Perhaps I'm ungrateful, but I miss a woman's touch and love. Especially Julia, whom I still think about every single day.

The next morning

"Hello, my beautiful lady." Nikolai's voice rang near my ears. I opened my eyes to find his face uncomfortably close to mine.

I abruptly sat up as I realized that I had overslept and groaned in annoyance. The clock showed that it was 6:00 A.M. Shit, I slept an hour later than usual, I frantically thought. Why the fuck didn't this grinning idiot wake me up on time... Wait, why didn't my five AM alarm go off...

"Did you turn off my alarm this morning?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

Nikolai's smile didn't falter as he showed me the breakfast tray containing fruits, Skyr yogurt, and a green smoothie.

"I did, but it's the weekend and you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping that I wanted you to have an extra hour of sleep."

Who the fuck asked you to decide what's best for me?

"Thank you, Niki," I told him instead with a smile, as he set the tray beside me and kissed my forehead.

"I prepared the shower for you, so you won't have do it yourself. I'll leave the key to my apartment right here." He took out a key and put it on the nightstand. "Just make sure you lock it behind you, okay?"

"Mhm, okay," I nodded, hiding the panic that was rising in me as I drank my smoothie.

"I love you," he prompted, giving me another one of his smiles before he walked away.

"Mhmm," I replied again, this time with a wider smile as I continued to drink my smoothie, leaving a green smoothie print above my upper lip which I licked away.

As soon as he left, I got out of bed. I winced a little as my body was still a little sore from last night and walked into the bathroom to take the shower that was already hot and ready for me, just like he said. As I washed my body, the realization of what just happened gloomed over me more and more.

Nikolai just told me that he loves me. He had left me a key to his apartment. He wanted me to move in with him.

And that's when the panic took over. I was not ready to take the next step. No, not after Julia. What if Nikolai decides to move or something, and I'll be left behind again? What if I let myself go far enough to be another victim in the cruel game of love? Again?

I had no other choice than to break up with him and spare both of us from heartbreak. Sure, he might get his heart broken, but at least mine wouldn't be. At least, not as much since my heart was still pretty shattered. So what if I'm being selfish?

I mean, we had only known each other for four months. I still didn't know that much about him to move into his apartment.

After I finished taking the hot shower that rejuvenated my body, I walked into the bedroom, sat on my bed, and while eating the fruits and yogurt that Nik had brought me that morning, I called my best friend Vivian.

"Hey! How did last night go?" she answered on the fourth ring with a yawn.

"Good morning to you too." I rolled my eyes. I had told Vivian yesterday that there was the possibility that Nikolai and I were going to have sex for the first time that night. "And last night was... amazing," I added with a sigh.

"Ooohhhh, I want to hear all the details. Spill girl!" She exclaimed, excitement growing in her voice. I imagined her getting comfortable with a cup of coffee.

"I mean, he was a great listener and... experienced. He just knew what I wanted, and I didn't even need to guide him that much. Just a little bit," I wistfully answered, the memory of last night filling my mind.

"Was it big?" Vivian asked mischievously.

"Was what big?" As if I didn't have a clue what she was talking about.

"You know what."

"Viv, you know that size doesn't matter if the man to which the instrument is attached to doesn't know how to touch all the right spots."

"Oh, I KNEW he's big!" She exclaimed triumphantly.

"Is that all you got from that?" I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Look, I called you because I needed to tell you that I'm having second doubts about him."

"What are you talking about, second doubts? You just said that he has been an amazing lover and a great listener, a combination that is pretty hard to find in men."

"Yeah, well. This morning he brought me a tray of food and my morning smoothie---"

"Okay, well, he's done that before right?" Vivian inquired.

"Yeah, but then he kissed my forehead and told me that he had prepared the shower for me--"

"Oh wow, he sounds like a complete bum," she said sarcastically, again interrupting me.

I sighed exasperatingly. "Vivian, if you keep butting in with your remarks--"

"Okay, fine. I'm shutting up now," she huffed.

"Anyway, then he told me that he left the key to his apartment so I could lock the place up when I left. And immediately followed up with an "I love you". He wants me to move in with him, Viv. And I'm panicking because I'm not ready for this next step."

"Well, I mean, that is a huge step in the relationship, but you guys have been dating for how long now... four months? Plus, don't you think this can help you to finally heal after your relationship with Julia?"

"That is exactly why I don't want to move in with Nik. I don't want to risk breaking my heart if something happens when we take this next step. Moving in is like... officially saying that you love each other enough to tolerate living together and giving up your privacy and freedom." I walked inside the kitchen to prepare a cup of coffee because I desperately needed the caffeine.

"Whoa, that's a lot of overthinking there. Look, just follow your heart. If it feels right, then move in. If it feels wrong, then leave Big D and I'll try him out," Vivian declared, and I knew that she was smiling on the other end of the phone.

"Vivian!!" I exclaimed with feigned shock.

Vivian laughed, obviously relishing in my discomfort.

"Okay, bye Viv. I'll talk to you later when you stop fooling around," I sternly continued, but I smiled because Vivian was an unserious person and that's why I loved her.

"Okay Audrey. Just keep me updated. Love you." And she hung up.

Maybe I am overthinking, but moving in together just doesn't feel right. I liked Nikolai, but I didn't love him. I was still in love with my ex-girlfriend almost a year later. When I told her that I will always love her no matter what, I meant it.

My heart still belonged to Julia, and it would take a miracle for someone to replace her.