WhALE isn't Mateo such a cutie!

Sorry for the late update! Been busy with some family stuff ): hope you enjoy this chapter it's a bit of an intense one!

Pls excuse any errors

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Pain don't hurt the same, I know

The lane I travel feels alone

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A few weeks later

"Mamá look at me! I'm Tarzan!"

A smile of amusement tugged at Adriana's lips when her gaze shifted to her little boy who was sat on the grass in front of her, tugging at his long chocolate curls with a big grin. His hair had grown long and he genuinely did look like a fetus version of Tarzan. She briefly wondered where he got his curls from since neither his biological father nor she had curls. But just thinking about Dean ever so briefly made her body shudder. It was difficult not to think about him, especially whenever she spent time with Mateo because he looked really similar to Dean.

"Your hair is so long, cariño. We should get it cut," she pinched his cheek playfully before running her fingers through his curls. They were currently sat in the rabbit pen Harry had outside in his humongous garden.

"No!" He retorted with a firm shake of his head.

"No?" Adriana arched a brow at him with a chuckle.

"Papá said he likes mi pelo," Mateo mumbled with a grin, not noticing how Adriana's face fell when he mentioned Dean. "Mamá?"

"Yes, baby?" Adriana muttered back, distracting herself by petting one of the bunnies that passed by her.

"I kinda miss Papá," Mateo pouted at her.

"I know you do, baby," she sighed in response, lips forming a tight-lipped smile.

"I want Papá to come home."

"Papá is working, Mateo. He is too busy to come home right now," she mumbled quietly to him, stroking Angel the rabbit. Adriana didn't have the energy to make up a lie about how Dean is dead and deal with Mateo mourning her father just then. She was going to give it at least a month before breaking the news to him.

"Can you call Papá?" Mateo asked with his pink lower lip jutting out, brown innocent eyes gazing at her.

"I tried baby, but he's too busy to even talk," Adriana continued to fib, heart aching at the sight of Mateo's face falling. "I'm sorry, my love."

The only two male figures in Mateo's life were currently unavailable (one physically and the other mentally), and that hurt Mateo a lot. Mateo was confused and sad. He wondered why his father wouldn't speak to him, as well as why Harry wouldn't play with him like he used to. Harry has been incredibly distant lately, specifically with Mateo because seeing the little boy only always reminded him of how he practically murdered his father.

Adriana noticed all of this and was afraid of the kind of impact it had on her little star. It stressed her out immensely to the point where she felt like she was losing her mind trying to take care of people all the time; her son, Harry, and herself. At the end of the day however, she always put Mateo's needs first.

"I'm sorry Papá isn't here and Harry is being a bit of a sad, grumpy cat lately," she pulled Mateo onto her lap, brushing his curls off his face and brushing her lips against his forehead. "Remember what I said before, in this world, it's just you and me. I love you, mi Estrella.

"Sí," Mateo nodded with a special smile that only appeared whenever he was around Adriana. "Te amo, mi luna."

"C'mon let's go inside, it's getting dark out here."

His small hand slipped into her larger one as they walked back to the mansion. Adriana put on Moana for Mateo to watch on the TV while she fed him dinner that consisted of some paella she and Rita made together. She tried to do little things like these to distract herself whenever she wasn't taking care of Harry in order to prevent her from slipping into depression. She had been using cocaine every other night excessively to escape from the harsh nights where she struggled to endure the horrific nightmares. The nights were always the hardest.

"I'm just gonna go give Harry his dinner okay, baby? Rita will watch you," Adriana told Mateo before standing up to leave.

"Mamá!" Mateo called out for a moment. "It's movie night."

"I know, cariño. I'll come back," Adriana assured him.

"Can you bring mi sol also?" Mateo asked her, making her shoot him a tight-lipped smile. "Yay! When he comes, we'll watch Coco! Mi sol likes Coco."

"'Course, baby," she nodded, sighing lightly under her breath because she knew her son was going to be disappointed again.

Adriana gathered the remaining paella left onto a plate before heading towards Harry's room. The last time she checked on him was around the afternoon, but he basically chased her out because he was starting to feel like she was babying him the same way Niall was now. It began to irritate him after a week and began distancing himself little by little. Adriana and Niall were failing to understand why Harry was burdened by so much guilt for what he did. They could never understand it because they weren't like him, no matter how much justification he or anyone else would conjure up for his actions and why he shouldn't feel guilty.

"Harry," Adriana called out quietly when she knocked on the door, before walking in. "I brought you some paella for dinner."

Her eyes squinted as she stepped into the semi-dark bedroom, looking for Harry and spotted him standing by the window. She set his plate down on the dresser nearby and walked towards him before she was standing right behind him. Her arms twitched by her sides, dying to curl around his waist, press her small frame against his larger one, and hold him against her to show him that she was there for him. But before she could do anything he mumbled with a sigh.

"I'm not hungry."

"You barely ate lunch today," Adriana immediately responded with a frown. "C'mon babe, it's paella. You love it when I make paella."

"The mussels make me nauseous right now, I don't want to eat," Harry turned around with annoyance clear in his eyes and tone.

"Well I don't want you to starve, it's important that you eat, Harry" Adriana returned with hostility, dark brows pulled over her dark eyes. "Leave out the mussels if you want to and just eat the rice!"

Harry let out an exasperated sigh with a roll of his eyes and walked away. He sat on the bed with his body hunched over and his elbows resting on his knees, face sitting in his hands. He didn't like that he was becoming snappy and irritable lately, but it's as if he couldn't control it anymore. He hated hurting the ones he loves, but that's all he's been doing lately. Hence why he was trying to distance himself from Adriana and Niall.

Adriana gazed at him pitifully, walking towards him and kneeling on the ground while taking his face into her hands. He let her, sorrowful green eyes gazing into her dark ones. She tried to read his face, his eyes, his expression, for anything that could help her understand him better. Understand why he was so heavily burdened with guilt and shame for what he has done. She just wanted to be there for him but it was difficult. He was difficult to be there for, she had her own problems to deal with as well as take care of her son at the same time. Nothing's been on easy on her and sometimes she wished he saw that and understood, but she wouldn't dare say a word about it to him. She wanted to focus on him and only him, and she wanted him to do the same.

"I just want to help you, Harry," she told him honestly. "After everything, you've done for me, you deserve to be taken care of and watched after and healed."

"You just don't get it, Adriana," he mumbled back, with a shake of his head.

"Help me understand, please," she begged quietly. "You haven't talked about the incident properly since it happened. You need to talk to me, tell me how you're feeling, why you think you're feeling what you're feeling-"

"It's not that easy to talk about it," he sighed heavily, pulling his head out of her hands. "I want to tell you but it's like something's holding me back."

"I know the feeling," Adriana held his hands this time, thumb stroking the skin as she looked at him with a sad smile. "I know what it feels like to feel so desperate to reach out and tell someone what you're feeling but at the same time feel the fear that no one will understand you or believe you. Maybe you're too ashamed or guilty to even speak of your feelings. Trust me baby, I feel you."

Harry's features softened as he listened to her words, his own fingers curling around hers in support. He was reminded that Adriana was the only person he had who came close to understanding what he was going through. He pulled her hands up to kiss her knuckles as a thank you for her supportive words. His gaze flicked to the food that was on his dressing table before he looked at her again and mumbled.

"I'll eat."

Adriana's lips curled into a grateful smile, standing up from the floor to bring the food to him. But he needed to use the bathroom, so he quickly excused himself and found himself in front of the toilet. While he stood before the toilet, he noticed the cover of the tank wasn't set down properly. Once he finished and pulled his pants up he frowned and reached out to readjust the lid so that it sat on the tank properly. Lifting it up briefly, his eyes caught a glimpse of the inside where there was a plastic bag floating. His frown deepened as he lifted the lid up again and set it aside, feeling his heart drop a little at the sight of the plastic zip lock bag of cocaine sitting inside the toilet.

He swallowed thickly and set the lid back on, before turning around to wash his hands. When he came out of the bathroom, Adriana smiled at him and handed him the plate of paella for him to eat. They sat down on the bed in silence, only the sound of Harry chewing filling up the room. He contemplated quietly, wondering how to bring up that the topic of her using again. He was livid, but somehow maintained a calm demeanor.

"Can I ask you a question?" Harry murmured quietly, making her nod. "You do cocaine to escape what you're feeling, right?"

"Harry-" Adriana furrowed her brows at him, making him quickly interrupt her.

"Please just answer," he begged softly, making her sigh lightly. She took a moment to answer.

"Yeah I do."

"Well how does it help you escape?" Harry questioned curiously. Adriana looked at him with a deep frown, but he simply stared back at her with pleading eyes.

"How do I describe this?" Adriana murmured to herself. "My life since I was born felt like I was thrown into this turbulent ocean. The waves were angry, wild, relentless, similar to how my father would abuse me. The waves stayed that violent even when I met Dean. I was drowning, suffocating, finding it so difficult to keep my head above the water and float. I needed to breathe. I needed to survive every day, or else I was going to die."

"Cocaine. The high you get from it...it's insane," she continued to speak quietly. "The first time I did cocaine was at some house party Dean threw. It was only one line, but the high I got from it was the feeling I was looking for all my life. That breath of air I needed to survive; cocaine gave me that and more. I was too much of a coward to just kill myself so I opted for survival, one day at a time. Cocaine gave me the strength to kick my legs and tread water so I could keep my head above those fucking waves."

Adriana's dark words about cocaine preventing her from committing suicide struck Harry hard. Now that he was struggling with keeping his head above the water, he can understand a little why Adriana turned to drugs for escape. He wasn't planning on doing the same, turning to drugs or alcohol to help him escape.

"However, it's a disease," Adriana spoke again after a few moments of silence. "A disease that turns you into the most selfish, desperate version of yourself. I become this crazed person when the cravings hit me. It scares me sometimes, the things I would do just for the buzz. That sweet buzz that lets me breathe."

Her tone was bittersweet and numb, gaze focused on their joint hands. Harry spotted the sun, moon and stars ring he gave her for her birthday sitting on her middle finger. It glinted in the moonlight, a reminder of what they were to each other. But Harry no longer felt like the sun in this metaphor of their relationship anymore. Darkness replaced the bright sun rays that were once there.

"So is it worth it?"

Adriana finally turned her gaze to focus on Harry, not liking the tone he used with the question he just asked. Her brows sloped downwards as she was at a loss for words.

"Well-"

"Is drugs worth risking a lot? Your job, your son, your own life?" Harry emphasized the last word with a harsh tone, snapping his gaze to meet hers. He had done eating halfway through his story and was now on his feet, glaring at her.

"Harry, I-I told you why I do it." Adriana didn't know what exactly to say.

"I'm asking you if it's worth the risk," Harry scoffed in response.

"W-Why are you acting like this?" Her brows furrowed, a little scared by the anger that flared in his eyes.

"Why am I acting like what?" he responded with a snap. "Why am I asking you all these questions? Because, Adriana, I want to fucking understand why after everything that's happened between us and Dean and your son, you still want to use cocaine."

"Who fucking said I was using again?" Adriana retorted loudly, also standing up now.

Her heart fell in her chest when Harry shot her a glare before storming off into the bathroom to retrieve the bag of cocaine she hid in the toilet. In that moment, she knew she was fucked. When he came out with a ziplock plastic bag filled with the toxic powder she had been snorting for weeks now, she knew she was screwed. The disappointment and heartbreak were so clear in Harry's washed out green eyes, emotions floating among the jade swirls. Tears welled up in her own dark ones, eyes so dark it was highly doubted that they'd ever return to its beautiful brown color it was once.

"I'm sorry, Harry," she whispered quietly, tears streaming down her cheeks as she shook her head.

"I need you, Adriana," Harry ignored her apology, before holding up the bag. "But you need to let go of this, if you really want to be there for me."

"I can't." She was crying now. "It's too hard. I need it to breathe, Harry!"

"You have to choose," Harry said firmly with a shake of his head, dismissing her words. "Me? Your son? Your life? Or this?"

Adriana didn't say anything. Harry blinked furiously with tears leaking from his eyes, sniffling as he shook his head in disappointment and turned to go back into the bathroom. Adriana couldn't explain the fear that came over her when she realized what he was going to do. Her jaw dropped and her voice came out in a "no", protesting against his actions as she ran behind him and saw him open up the bag.

She darted forwards, fingers only catching ahold of his t-shirt but it was too late. He had already dumped its contents in the toilet, watching it dissolve in the clear water. Adriana let out a loud cry, dropping to her knees before the toilet with eyes as wide as saucepans. He looked down at her with an indescribable feeling disgust. Addiction was truly a disease.

His hand pulled the lever and Adriana watched as a gush of water entered the commode and flushed away the only thing that helped her escape. He walked away from her after that, leaving her on the bathroom floor, crying her eyes out because it all just broke her heart. The argument. The yelling. The disappointment.

Everything.

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"Hello! Open the door!"

Donnie stirred awake to the sound of loud banging on his front door. He frowned deeply and yawned quietly before checking his phone to see what time it is. It was 2 am. Along with that, a string of missed calls and text messages from Adriana glowed on the electronic screen. His frown deepened. His ears recognized the voice yelling from his front door as Adriana's.

  He had a few assumptions as to why she was here so late at night. None of them were good. He forced himself to roll out of bed, pulling a grey t-shirt over his head as he made his way from his bedroom to his living room. He peered through the window, noticing a very distressed Adriana standing in front of his door. He noticed her shivering even though it wasn't cold outside, wincing because the muscle aches were bothering her.

"Donnie, I swear to fucking god if you don't open the door right now!"

The door swung open and Adriana was met face to face with Donnie. He was very unamused and irritated but nonetheless concerned. His brown eyes locked gazes with hers and he immediately knew why she was here. The look she had in her eyes was one he could recognize from a mile away. That look of utter desperation swirling in the dark hues of her broken eyes. The way she shivered and quivered because she was in withdrawal. The tear stains on her cheek indicating that something horrible happened for her to be this desperate to use at an ungodly hour. Donnie felt his heart ache.

"Donnie, I need cocaine," Adriana immediately said, getting straight to the point. She made a move to go inside but he blocked the doorway.

"You started using again Adriana?" Donnie arched a brow at her, making her chuckle bitterly.

"Cut the shit, Donnie, I never fucking stopped. You think I had the strength to stop when I was with Dean? The man who literally owns that shit?"

"Fair enough," Donnie grimaced a little. "I didn't know it was this bad."

"It's all very bad," Adriana cried dramatically in a mocking tone, throwing her hands up. "Now c'mon let me in! I'm fucking freezing out here."

"Adriana, I think it's time to lay off the cocaine," Donnie quietly said, making her groan loudly.

"Not you too!" she cried in frustration. "Donnie, you can literally do this any other night if you want to, but tonight please, I need the cocaine. Harry threw out my entire stash-"

"Harry? What happened?"

"Nothing! We just got into an argument because he found out I was using again," she dismissed it all very quickly, moving again to go inside but he stayed put. "Donnie, please let me in. I'm cold."

"Go home, Adriana," he said firmly. "I'm not giving you anymore cocaine."

"What?"

"You heard what I said," Donnie spoke in an utterly serious tone, eyes set in a stony gaze. "You're going to OD one day, and I will not play a part in it. Not anymore."

"Since when the fuck did you care about me like this?" she suddenly screeched at him, but he remained stoic. "If you care about me, you'd let me use."

"No, fuck, just stay out here, I'm taking you home," he cursed in frustration, grabbing his coat and keys that were on the hook nearby.

Adriana suddenly shoved him with an angry scowl. "Fuck you."

"Adriana, let's go."

"No, fuck you," Adriana yelled at him, shoving his chest again with all the force she had in her. "I am dying on the inside! This pain is killing me Donnie! Why won't you let me relieve it?"

"Please Adri-" Donnie began to say again, allowing the frustration get the best of him. He reached out to grab her arm, fingers tightening around her skin causing her to gasp suddenly.

"Don't touch me!" She screamed at him, eyes screwing shut and face contorting with fear and disgust. Her knees buckled as she let out a cry, slipping from Donnie's grasp and wrapping her arms around herself tightly.

Donnie watched with a broken heart as Adriana shivered and scrambled away from him, crying quietly with a heaving chest. He crouched down in front of her, lips parting to apologize but nothing came out. The sight of the beautiful, broken woman in front of her rendered him speechless. He had never met anyone like her; someone so bruised and battered by the ruthless hardships of life it's a miracle they're still alive. Her chest heaved as quiet sobs escaped her lips, tear-stained face contorting into a pained expression.

"I see and feel him everywhere," she whispered quietly. "I see him in the bruises that still stain my skin. I see him every time a person touches me. Every time I close my eyes at night; when the nightmares come and I can feel his violating touch all over me. Most of all I see him in Mateo."

"He ruined my life, Donnie. He broke me." Her voice was numb now, void of any emotion. "I can never be the same."

"Don't say that Adriana," Donnie responded fiercely, making her chuckle bitterly at how much he cared for her.

"I don't even know who I was before I experienced all this pain," she continued to cry.

The desperation for Adriana to snort that sweet, white toxic powder was intense. She was ravenous. This particular craving was one of the worst ones she had ever experienced. A part of it was biological, her body was dependent on it, but the other part was purely psychological and mental. Her heart was aching, bleeding from the wounds punctured into it by the argument she had with Harry. She was so desperate to forget. So desperate to feel artificial, temporary happiness provided from a drug just to keep the depressing, suicidal thoughts away from her fragile mind.

Although, a part of her was terrified that she'll never get to experience real happiness. She tasted it when she was with Harry. It was all she had ever dreamed of and even more. But recent events have caused her doubt to flood her mind, wondering if she'll ever get to experience a happy life with Harry and Mateo. Dean, though he was gone, haunted her, and that in turn pushed her to cocaine.

  Nobody understood that the only reason she was doing it was because when she's sober and she's experiencing the rape trauma, she wants nothing more than to just die. To end it all so that she doesn't have to feel pain anymore. But she couldn't. Mateo was the only reason she was still alive, and she wanted to stay alive so that she could provide him with a beautiful life she never had.

That was why she needed the cocaine. To keep her alive.

"I met evil when I was only a child. Now I am 24 and I'm still dancing with the devil."

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Ooooof ):

What do y'all think of that chapter?

Sorry there's been a bit of fillers but it's all transitioning into something bigger!

This chapter was inspired by the new HBO show Euphoria that explores drug abuse in such a good way. So so so in love with this show and the characters, it's so real and raw and I highly recommend y'all to watch it!

Until we meet again...

thiora ❤️