whaleeee this is awkward.

Happy new year !!!!

it's been wayyyy too fucking long and I am sincerely sorry guys. I'm not gonna ramble on with some bullshit apology. All I can say is that I took a long time focusing on my mental health and I lost inspiration for writing fan fiction. It's not exactly back but I'm trying to at least finish this book for you guys because you deserve it <3

Also I apologize if this chapter AINT up to your standards I'm a bit rusty with writing, especially Fanfiction sigh* I also apologize for a sad chapter to come back with but hey we're nearing the end (maybe 2-3 chapters left) so it gets sad before it ends well.

WARNING: triggering, explicit content consisting of drug abuse. Read at your own risk

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I have loved you for the last time

Is it a video? Is it a video?

I have touched you for the last time

Is it a video? Is it a video
≫≫≫

It was 11 pm when the chills and muscle aches started to creep upon Adriana while at the hospital.

   "Fuck," she whispered quietly to herself in frustration, irritated that her withdrawals were hitting her now while she was trying to be there for Harry.

  However, she's been waiting outside his room for a while now ever since his parents and sister arrived. Just a few minutes ago, the doctor who treated him walked in and had a conversation with his parents and sister. Adriana was in the bathroom while this happened, thus Niall filled her in on what was going on with Harry. The doctor allowed Harry to be discharged tomorrow, and highly suggested that he should visit a psychiatrist to diagnose him properly as this was a fatal self-harm attempt. When Adriana then tried to go back inside the room to see Harry, Niall told her to wait for a few minutes because his parents were talking to him, deciding on how to go about his recovery after speaking to the doctor.

  Her teeth tugged harshly at her lower lip, foot tapping impatiently as her body shuddered occasionally. She spotted Harry's mother exiting the room, eyes widening slightly when she began walking towards her. Adriana stood up as Anne approached her, swallowing thickly at her unwavering, cold gaze and the fake smile her lips stretched into.

   "How's Harry doing?" Adriana decided to speak first, dark eyes flicking to his room before returning to Anne.

   "Better I think, slightly more reassured and less scared now that his family is with him, supporting him," Anne answered shortly. "You should go home."

   "What?" Adriana frowned a little. "No, I should stay he needs me-"

   "Adriana, go home to your son," Anne said in a clipped tone. "I think you've done enough for Harry."

   "What's that supposed to mean?" Adriana's frown deepened.

   "I think you know what I mean," Anne responded before folding her arms over her chest. Adriana read her green eyes and felt herself go a little pale. Harry told his family what had happened with Dean.

   "Look, the whole thing with Dean was out of my control and his-" Adriana began to defend herself helplessly before Anne interrupted her.

   "I understand that, it was really tragic. But none of this would've happened if he had never met you. If he had never dated you," Anne hissed suddenly. "You did this to him. Anyone who knows Harry knows it's not like him to do what he did."

   "I-I'm sorry," Adriana felt her eyes well up with tears, heart cracking at the way his mother confirmed her thoughts and fears. "I never meant for any of this to happen to him. I love him, I never wanted to hurt him."

   "Well you did it anyways. You've literally traumatized him; ruined him," Anne continued to spit angrily. "So, I suggest you go home now, and let his family take care of him."

  Adriana felt her throat closing up, lungs short of air. Her anxiety skyrocketed after that conversation with Anne; its deathly grip closing around her throat, slowly suffocating her. Tears rolled down her cheeks in thick streams as she watched Anne walk away from her, her sharp words ringing in her ears. You ruined him. Hearing her worst fears confirmed by someone other than herself made it all too real for her. Her chest tightened as she began walking away, hand gripping her t-shirt over heart as her breathing shortened.

  When she made it to Harry's car, she locked herself inside, immediately feeling her heart collapse in her chest. Tears burst forth from her eyes as her chest tightened heavily, preventing her from drawing in a breath. She was having an anxiety attack and the one person she needed to help her calm down was in the hospital with his own problems. Her eyes darted to her handbag, sobs spilling from her lips as she grabbed it quickly and started rummaging through it. Curses tumbled from her lips while her fingers frantically fished about her handbag, attempting to locate any spare cocaine she might have hid there. She always kept secret back up stashes everywhere, knowing her future self would be grateful for her past self's actions.

   "Yes!" She sighed heavily in relief when she pulled out a tiny vial of cocaine from the inside pocket of her handbag.

  Her heart thumped wildly in her chest as she unscrewed the lid and tapped some of the white toxic powder out onto the back of her hand. Like clockwork, her nose hovered over her hand and the drug disappeared within seconds. Even just the action of snorting it was almost therapeutic for her, reducing the anxiety by 50% already without the drug being activated in her body. After three minutes, Adriana felt her muscles relax as her entire body was flooded with euphoria. Her lips stretched into a smile as she started the car and pulled out of the hospital driveway. She had driven many times while being intoxicated to the point where she was a pro at it. She told herself that the small amount of cocaine she had just ingested wasn't dangerous thus she was fit to drive back home.

   Harry's black range rover pulled a highway that was slightly empty due to the fact that it was past midnight now. Adriana rolled the windows down and felt the wind against her face, the streetlights blinding her one by one. For those few minutes on the highway, while she was high as a kite, she felt nothingness. It was as if everything had been sucked into a vacuum, sounds of other cars and the music playing faintly on the radio instantly muffled. Her demons had quietened and the turbulent waves that attempted to drown her calmed down. Her eyes slowly drifted to the streetlights that passed by one by one. The moon glimmered in its full form in the distance, while the dark sky was littered with a million of stars. It was all so mesmerizing, living in this moment of nothingness that almost felt like a parallel universe, in which Adriana was a simple woman with no troubles of addiction and past trauma. 

A soulless smile appeared on her lips as she enjoyed the last few minutes of her high, of utter bliss and freedom from her tumultuous life. A single tear rolled down her mottled cheek when she felt it fading away, smile dissipating while her face contorted into an expression of pure longing and fear.

She was returning back to reality and she wanted nothing more than to escape it and never come back again.

~-~

Five Days Later

   "Harry, how are you?"

   "I'm doing alright, Adriana."

  Adriana sucked in a breath when she heard his voice, heart jumping in her chest because she missed him so much and had been worried sick. Harry had asked for some space the day after the night he was admitted to the hospital. He had hoped it didn't cause Adriana stress too much about it, even though deep down he knew she would. Though Adriana too needed the space to focus on herself and Mateo, she missed Harry incredibly and felt like she was going a little insane. She'd wake up gasping and crying from nightmares of Dean, yearning for Harry's support and presence only to find her bed empty. She underwent a lot of stress and anxiety worrying about the future, what's to come of her relationship with Harry and her addiction that hit an all-time low now.

   "I'm glad to hear that, baby," Adriana whispered with a sigh of relief. "When can I see you again?"

   "You can come over tomorrow," Harry told her, gulping quietly as tears rolled down his cheeks.

  Harry was forced by his parents to ask Adriana to give him space for a couple of days while he figured out how to break up with her. His parents urged him to do this in order to prepare himself to break up with her. They had already found private psychiatrists, therapists and psychologists to help him recover and get better. But the only problem was they were all in England. Harry's parents sat down with him and convinced him to move to England for a year to focus on himself and his mental health. They thought that helping him physically be far away from Adriana after breaking up with her will help him focus on his journey to recovery better and provide him with a fresh new start once he's recovered. It was a lot for Harry to take in, breaking up with Adriana and moving to England.

   "Okay, great," Adriana smiled lightly. "You'll update me on everything then."

   "Yes I will, my parents have some ideas on how to help me recover from what happened so we've made a few decisions," Harry said briefly, swallowing thickly.

   "Oh okay, I'm glad they're so attentive and supportive about everything," Adriana spoke honestly. She chose not to mention the harsh and hurtful things his mother said to him that night.

   "Mhmm," Harry mumbled in response. "Hey, look I'm sorry I had to ask for space and all that, I really didn't want to because I didn't want you stressing out but-"

   "Harry, please don't apologize for that at all," Adriana immediately stopped him. "I wasn't really helpful before anyways, I'm not a good influence," she chuckled lightly, trying to make a joke but Harry wasn't really laughing.

   "You had your own problems to worry about Adriana," he mumbled quietly. "Don't worry about not being there for me before."

   "How can I not worry, Harry? Look what happened to you," Adriana's tone grew shaky, eyes stinging with tears that suddenly sprung.

   "I don't want to talk about that anymore," Harry suddenly said, growing ashamed of the incident. "I-I gotta go, I'm kinda tired right now."

  "Oh," Adriana mumbled, immediately regretting what she said because he wanted to hang up. "Get some rest, I'll text you later?"

  "Sure yeah," Harry responded, ready to hang up before Adriana whispered something quietly.

   "I love you, Harry," Adriana's heart fell a little when he paused a little before saying it back.

   "I love you, Adriana," Harry regretted hesitating because he knew he loved her deep down he only did it because of the immense guilt he felt for what's to come the next day. The break-up.

   He hung up on her, exhaling loudly realizing he had been holding his breath in for the last few seconds of that call. His knees collapsed and he sat down on the bed, elbows immediately resting on his knees with his head in his hands. A hurricane of thoughts unraveled quickly in his mind as he desperately tried to calm the anxiety that bubbled in gut. Leaving Adriana and New York was the hardest decision he had ever made. New York had been his home for many years now, this city and his closest friends were going to be greatly missed. He knew that leaving New York didn't have to be permanent thing, he told himself that he was going to stay in England as long as it takes for him to recover and return to New York.

  However, breaking up with Adriana however was a more permanent decision that Harry was still trying to come to terms with.

~-~

    "Umm are you going somewhere?"

  Harry's blood froze, internally cursing himself for not hiding the boxes that were sitting around in the living room. He bit his lower lip, turning to look at her with a guilty, worried look on his face. His eyes met her confused brown ones, already seeing the cogs in her head turning rapidly as she began overthinking. He walked towards her and reached to take her hands in his, pausing a little so she could get the hint and decide if she was comfortable with that. She decided she was and moved forwards to slide her hands into his, the action only providing her with the slightest bit of comfort because she could already tell whatever he was going to say wasn't going to be good.

   "What's going on, Harry?" Adriana whispered quietly when she saw him part and close his lips continuously, trying to figure out what to say. "Are you leaving or something?"

   "I've been diagnosed with complex PTSD with dissociative symptoms as well as depression," he started to say instead of answering her question.

    "Oh Harry," Adriana whispered quietly in response, his words tugging at her heart strings. "Baby, I'm so-"

    "Don't apologize, please," Harry said weakly, making Adriana swallow thickly and nod slowly. "Just let me finish please."

   "Oh alright," she gulped, heart pounding rapidly in her chest as his eyes grew a little glossy so he quickly averted his gaze in slight shame.

   "I've decided to go to England to recover, do therapy and get a change of scenery so I can focus on myself," Harry spoke quickly, feeling robotic, spewing out the words Niall and his sister suggested he should say when explaining to Adriana what's going to happen. "My parents have many contacts in England so they were able to find me a good private therapist."

    "Oh, I-," Adriana was at a loss of words. She was happy and relieved his parents were being supportive and had already convinced him to step onto the path of recovery and rehab, something she has struggled with for many years. However, it meant him leaving New York. Leaving her and Mateo. "Mi amor, I am glad you're getting the help you need."

   "But how long will you be gone for? What happens to us?" Adriana began asking the dreaded questions Harry had expected to be bombarded with.

  Make sure to let her know that you are breaking up with her permanently. This is not a break, this is forever. You can't keep her hoping that you'd return to New York as soon as you're better and restart this relationship. Niall's words were swimming in his mind as he attempted to take deep controlled breaths to control his anxiety, hands letting go of hers as he turned away and blinked rapidly. Harry's reaction to Adriana's questions made her face pale as she started dreading the worst.

   "I don't know when I'll come back. If I'm happy and I get a good job, I might just stay there," Harry responded quietly, making her throat tighten, catching my breath.

   "Harry, Mateo and I can't move to England just like that," Adriana mumbled. Harry's features contorted in pain hearing her words.

   "I'm not asking you to."

  Both Harry and Adriana winced at his words. The bluntness of them had Adriana's heartstrings already tearing at the seams.

   "Then what are you trying to say, Harry?" Adriana suddenly demanded.

   "We need to break up, Adriana. That's what I'm trying to say," Harry blurted out, spinning around to lock gazes with hers and he almost regretted it. He could already see the heartbreak in her deep umber eyes.

   "W-What?" Adriana stammered, even though acknowledging deep down that sickly feeling in her gut that always told her this was going to happen. "Did your parents tell you to do this?"

   "No, they didn't," Harry snapped at her with a deep frown, even though it was somewhat the truth. But he knew that this was a decision he believed was the best, compared to when he broke up with Zayn. "This isn't working out and you know that. I just can't do this anymore Adriana."

   "Harry, please," Adriana whispered as tears sprung from her eyes instantly. Her chest heaved as she stepped back in disbelief, shaking her head and sucking in a breath. "This can't be happening, not after everything we've been through. Dean is gone now Harry; we can finally be together-"

   "He's not gone!" Harry immediately exclaimed angrily, his reaction startling Adriana. "Every night he haunts me in my dreams and I know I can say the same for you, Adriana."

  Harry sighed heavily, hands rubbing his face to rid his eyes of tears threatening to leak out. He really didn't want to cry, but Adriana already was, and it killed him. He was terrified that this break up was going to impact her badly and push her to do something irrational. Niall had suggested for Harry to ask Donnie to check up on Adriana tonight so that Harry's guilt won't push him to go back to her.

   "I'm hurting too Adriana. I'm suffering too, at this point we're both burdens on each other. You can't be there for me because of your addiction and trauma, I can't help you because of my PTSD," Harry continued to ramble as Adriana silently listened, tears streaming down her cheeks.

   "So why can't we just take a break from our relationship? Why does it have to end?" Adriana mumbled sadly, voice breaking a little. "I don't want to be alone again."

   "Adriana don't say that please," Harry sniffled, green eyes glistening again. "Don't make this harder than it already is."

   "I-I just can't be alone again, Harry. I need you," Adriana whimpered sadly, the desperation she felt to keep him in her life heavily seeping into the tone of her voice.

   "I can't be what you need right now," Harry emphasized heavily. He was fully recognizing the co-dependent relationship he had been in now for almost a year. "I just don't think we're right for each other anymore."

   "So, you're just going to give up on us?" Adriana threw her hands up in exaggeration, making Harry sigh heavily. "We're just going through a rough patch right now, god Harry we could fight this!"

   "No, we can't just keep fucking pushing through the tough shit. We've been doing that for the entirety of our relationship, and I am tired of it!" Harry wasn't holding anything back anymore; he was finally speaking his heart out. "We can't keep holding on like this just for the sake of saving our relationship. It's mentally straining both of us, as much as I hate to admit it."

  Adriana fell silent. She believed Harry was right about it all. This was barely a relationship anymore. She was just in denial that the time had come for the relationship to come to an end, especially during a time where she was at an all-time low. Her cocaine addiction was peaking, rape trauma fueling it effortlessly and now on top of that was going to be the heartbreak from this breakup. She couldn't handle that; she was desperate to make things work.

   "I love you Adriana," Harry spoke up again, catching her attention.

   "No, you don't, you wouldn't leave me like this if you did," she sniffled with tearful eyes.             

   "I will always love you," Harry said firmly, blinking his watery green eyes. "But we have to do this, for the both of us."

  Adriana held his gaze for a moment with a sniffle, watching him step towards her and gently took her hands in his. She let him, suppressing her urge to flinch because she knew that this was going to be the last time, she would be able to feel his touch. His eyes asked for permission to go further and her brown ones flashed tearfully with a strong yes. Her eyes fluttered shut, pushing tears out of them to roll down her cheeks gently as he pressed his lips against her forehead in a tender kiss. She felt his own tears on her skin and let out a tiny sob. The urge to wrap her arms around his torso until there wasn't a single inch of space between their bodies was unbearable.

   "How am I to ever find someone like you again?" she whispered quietly to him. Her words pierced his heart as she went on, "Someone with a heart as beautiful and as kind as yours? Someone who asked nothing of me but to simply be okay again?"

   "Adriana," Harry's voice broke, pulling back to look at her with his hands cupping her cheeks ever so tenderly. Harry refrained from making any intense confessions of love because he really needed this break up to happen. But he was tearing at the seams hearing her words, heart bursting with the amount of love he had for her. "Please"

   "I will never find someone like you again, Harry. You're every hope I've ever had in human form," she continued sadly. "You are the love of my life."

  She wanted one more night with him. One more night to be in his arms, wake up to his angelic being and become utterly mesmerized by his peaceful, ethereal sleeping state. One more night was all she wanted to feel his body melt into hers as he made love to her, making her feel so safe, loved and appreciated like no man has ever made her feel. She desperately desired for one more night to spend watching him love Mateo, bring a delightful smile to his lips, brightening up her baby's life like the beautiful sun he was. There were no words to express how much she loved Harry, and how devastated she was going to be when it hits her that her Sun was no longer going to be present for her to revolve around anymore.

   "I guess we were never meant to be," Adriana said desolately, pulling her face out of his hands and looking down with a sniffle. "If we were, it never would've gotten this bad."

   "Maybe," Harry sighed in agreement, making Adriana's heart drop in her chest. "But believe me when I say I love you, please. We both deserve a chance of attaining happiness, and to be free from this suffering. I know I used to be able to provide that for you, but-"

   "Harry, you don't have to explain yourself anymore. I understand," Adriana spoke with a wavering tone. "I don't think I was ever destined for happiness. Suffering is all I know. I still don't know who I am without all this pain and suffering. I feel like I am barely even a person anymore."

   "Adriana," Harry mumbled sympathetically, hand reaching up to touch her face again but she pulled away with fresh tears. "Wait, don't leave yet."

   "No, I must. I can't bear to stay around any longer and hear you just accept every profession of love I am giving out to you, only to be greeted with silence," she snapped emotionally, eyes narrowing at him.

   "Please Adriana, I deserve to be selfish for once in my life," Harry cried loudly, also feeling his emotions riled up with his words. "Stop making me feel fucking guilty for doing this! I have to! I'm so tired of feeling this way, so empty and lost. Trust me, I love you! I love you so fucking much it overwhelms me. But I must love me too, or else I will cease to exist."

   "I will never be the same because of you!" he cried exasperatedly, before he instantly regretted his words when he saw her face. "Wait Adriana, I didn't mean it like that –"

   "No, you did," she interrupted him and shook her head, "Thank you for your honesty, Harry. I think I've heard everything I needed to hear. I should go now."

   "Adriana, please I don't want it to end like this," Harry muttered worriedly, feeling incredibly guilty and anxious now that he spoke his true feelings. He just knew she was going to blame everything on herself and wallow in guilt with toxic coping mechanisms. "I need to know that you're going to be okay when you leave."

   "I'm not yours to worry about anymore," Adriana responded to him. "I'm not your burden to bear. You're free of me now. I wish you all the happiness in the world because you deserve it the most."

   "Goodbye, mi sol"

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Ahhhhh honestly kinda feel like that break up wasn't as sad as I wanted it to be. Again I'm super rusty and that ending was not it but I hope it was somewhat satisfactory :/

Any predictions guysssss what do you think about the break up? Did you see it coming? What'll happen next?

Btw guys the After Hours by The Weeknd was what I listened got inspo for that car scene where she got high. That whole album screams True Colors vibes frrrrrr.

Anyways I hope I'll see y'all soon in the next chapter and not take a year again to update smh at myself. Imma try to get started on it ASAP!

Thank you once again for those who still read and support this story, you all live in my heart <3

Until we meet again...

Thiora ❤️