Camilla

Based on what Elsie had told her, Camilla knew a lot had changed over the few missing months of her memory. What she hadn't realized was how much she had changed herself.

The first noticeable difference was how frail her body had gotten. She quickly noticed how she struggled with the simplest actions such as holding a cup of water to drink or sitting up on her own, and her scrawny body would tremble at the exertion as if she had run a marathon. It was obvious that Camilla hadn't been mobile for a while and that it would take her some time to build up her strength again, and the inconvenience irritated her.

Then there were more minor changes, such as her pale complexion and the partially-healed burns covering her body. She had a narrow burn circling her neck, forming a perfect ring of blemished skin, where Camilla would have much rather had the key to Elsie's balcony still hanging around her neck. And there were the scars on the back of her head, right in the middle of a three-inch tall section of buzzed hair, where a constant weight seemed to incessantly press against her brain.

While she could ignore it for the most part, there were times when it gave her an irritating headache. The healers had mentioned that Hester had put something in her head, and they didn't want to remove it until Camilla was healthier. Just the thought of having something of Hester's in her mind made Camilla disgusted, and it served as her primary inspiration to regain her strength.

All in all, Camilla knew that her body would heal eventually. But what frustrated her was that no matter how hard Camilla tried, she couldn't remember how she ended up like that, and her mind seemed determined to remind her that something was wrong without ever revealing the entire story.

Camilla knew that her own mind was hiding things from her; she just couldn't get it to cooperate. It was obvious in the way that she had faltered over random things for seemingly no reason.

The smell of cleaning products made her freeze and panic, her mind and body deciding between fight and flight with no explanation as to why. The mere thought of food made her stomach turn, and Camilla's bouts of nausea usually ended up getting the best of her and her appetite. And on more than one occasion, Camilla would find herself startled awake, her nightmare leaving nothing behind except for a racing pulse and sweat-covered skin.

Being surrounded by people that she perceived as enemies didn't help much either. While the healers were surprisingly friendly, and they only were aggressive when Camilla would blatantly ignore their advice, Camilla couldn't stay in their care forever. A week after she regained consciousness, she was deemed healthy enough to join the rest of her friends as they did their best to get by in a place where they weren't welcomed.

There were a few Exodos members that didn't seem to outright hate Camilla and her friends, but most were determined to shun them at every opportunity. It wasn't that Camilla was bothered that they didn't like her—she didn't like any of them either—but it was taxing to constantly distrust everyone around her. Camilla thought she should've been used to that lifestyle after years of not trusting anyone, but she supposed being with Elsie left her out of practice.

Along with the presence of unfamiliar people, Camilla found herself constantly on edge with the unfamiliar environment. Evidently, Exodos had a habit of inhabiting national parks, only this base was much colder than Yellowstone had been. The caves that winded within the mountains at Lake Clark were filled with the chilly summer air, and feeling the cold was the closest Camilla was allowed to the outside world.

As if her group's mandatory confinement wasn't enough, being surrounded by bleary gray rock made their situation even more stifling, and the maze-like configuration made Camilla feel trapped. The design was a constant reminder that they were essentially Exodos's prisoners, and the only thing that was keeping them alive were the Song brothers placed on the outside, providing a few survival essentials to Exodos in exchange for evidence of their friends' safety. It left Camilla in the role of a helpless victim held captive under someone else's mercy, and she wasn't sure how long she could tolerate that feeling.

It was almost a month into her recovery when Camilla began to get restless. While Elsie and the others were kept busy with assignments to help out with the daily chores around Exodos's base, the healers forbade the most recent Farallon captives from the rotation schedule for at least another two weeks. Camilla found the rule to be ridiculous, but Hitomi and Mack agreed with it wholeheartedly; even Elsie admitted that she favored the decision.

So the next time Elsie, Hitomi, and Mack all had shifts scheduled at the same time, Camilla coerced Nakia and Finn to follow her to one of the base's secluded rooms to train. She didn't want to do anything major, just some light sparring in hand-to-hand combat to get her back in shape, but she didn't think the others would agree with her judgement. At least she could get Nakia and Finn to listen to her, and the two followed along with obvious reluctance and quick eagerness, respectively.

The room they found wasn't the best for sparring, especially with its poor ventilation and solid stone floor. While Exodos did have a space specifically for training, it was also usually occupied, and Camilla didn't want to waste her time dealing with people that probably would have preferred her dead.

Camilla faced Finn first, and Nakia remained on standby to catch either of them with a blanket of air in case they fell. Had she been in perfect condition, Camilla knew Finn wouldn't have lasted a minute against her. But as it was, their first match dragged on for at least five times longer, and Camilla had a feeling Finn was holding back.

"What gives?" Camilla asked abruptly, and Finn peered over his defensive stance, confused.

"Huh?" Finn replied innocently.

"Stop going easy on me," Camilla said irately. "You won't hurt me."

When Finn looked hesitant, Nakia quietly scoffed from the side.

"No offense, Cap," Nakia chimed in. "But you still don't look that great."

Camilla restrained herself from rolling her eyes. She knew her movements were slower and her hits were weaker, but how was going up against a half-hearted opponent going to help?

"That's why I need to get my strength back," she argued instead. "I can't do that if you guys don't give me a challenge."

"Maybe there are other ways to do that that aren't so... violent?" Finn suggested tentatively, no longer as eager as he was when they first started.

Camilla pretended to think to herself for a few seconds. "I suppose I could pick a fight with Baby Juneau," she suggested off-handedly. "I'm sure he would love the chance to try and get a few good hits in."

"Alright, alright!" Finn gave in, then readied himself to continue their match.

This time, Camilla was satisfied to find that Finn had indeed upped his intensity. Their match continued for about a minute when Camilla felt herself get lightheaded, and she unintentionally shifted too much weight to the heels of her feet to keep her balance. And when she saw Finn notice her imbalance and move to kick her legs out from under her, Camilla knew she couldn't do anything but brace herself for the fall.

A second later, Camilla was lying horizontally with the feeling of a constant wind at her back. She grimaced more out of frustration than anything, but Finn immediately interpreted it differently.

"Cap, I'm so sorry!" he exclaimed frantically. "Are you okay?"

"Fantastic," Camilla muttered bitterly. While her body did ache, she could ignore the pain easily enough. Her self-directed irritation was more difficult to overlook.

"Still think this was a good idea, Cap?" Nakia added sarcastically.

"Of course," Camilla replied adamantly. She tried to get back to her feet, but trying to steady herself on Nakia's pillow of air was like trying to stand on an exercise ball. "Just put me down."

Nakia scoffed again, but they gently lowered Camilla to the ground without another word.

But before Camilla could get herself upright again, she felt the coolness of the stone floor seep through her clothes and into her skin on her back, and her mind was lost.

She was lying on her back atop an ice cold metal table. She was surrounded by white walls and blinding lights. She couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. She could only feel pain radiating throughout her entire body: a sharp stab in the back of her head, needles slicing into her fingers, a fire burning in her veins. She could only hear the staccato clicking of heels on the tile floor.

It took all of her willpower to roll to her side, but even after she did, she couldn't move any more than that. Instead, all she could do was curl her body into herself, shielding her body from memories she couldn't recall. Camilla only barely came to her senses when she heard Nakia mention Elsie's name.

"No!" Camilla exclaimed, sounding harsher than she intended. She immediately wanted to apologize, but she couldn't bring her voice to say anything else right away. Regardless, she saw Finn frozen in place in mid-rush towards the door, and she kept her wavering gaze focused on him to ensure he didn't move.

"We're still training," Camilla finally managed to say.

"No," Nakia's voice said firmly, but Camilla didn't take her eyes from Finn to look at them. "We're stopping here."

"There's no need," Camilla insisted. "I can keep going."

"Then we're not going to be a part of it," Nakia snapped back. "And don't tell me to calm down, Finn," they said, making Finn clam up before he could say a word. "Cap, you think we haven't noticed how reserved you've gotten, and how you always seem like your mind is someplace else entirely? You think we don't see you always sneaking away from us with this glazed look in your eyes? How could we not realize that? You did the same thing during the war.

"Back then, you always wanted your space from everyone, so that's what we're doing now. And we can keep doing that, if that's what you like. But if you want to keep putting yourself in situations that are painful, physically and mentally, then you're going to need to find someone else to help you because we're not going to have any part in that."

Camilla gritted her teeth angrily, and she forced herself to pull her watchful eyes from Finn so she could glare at Nakia. "I'm not trying to do this to myself."

Nakia glared back at her. "Really? Could've fooled me."

"Maybe Cap's got a point," Finn suggested, earning him Nakia's sharp glare. "I'm not trying to start a fight or anything," he added quickly, holding his hands up in surrender towards Nakia. "I'm just saying, maybe we would do the same thing in her position.

"I know I was obsessed with getting stronger after... after the first attack on the San Diego Base," Finn admitted. "And Nakia, I heard you were the same after the attack on the Barracks, and how you would train whenever you weren't on duty, even when you were traveling around with the Lee Squad. I heard Captain Pala knew what you were up to, and she would call Captain Lee so she could order you to get some rest. Maybe sometimes... doing these kinds of things is the only thing we can do."

After a moment, Finn quickly turned to Camilla with a stern look. "But that still doesn't mean it's okay! I don't want to be the one to hurt you, and I'm sure Nakia feels the same." A beat later, he dropped his tough act and looked timidly down at his feet. "I thought I could help with this, but I guess I can't... I'm sorry, Cap."

As much as Camilla wanted to be irritated at them, she knew they were right. From the beginning, she hadn't expected herself to come out of this training unscathed, whether it be physically or mentally, and she shouldn't have taken advantage of Nakia and Finn to achieve her goals.

"No, I'm sorry," Camilla replied, and she shakily pushed herself up to a sitting position with a heavy sigh. "I shouldn't be doing this, and I definitely shouldn't have asked you both to help. I'm just..." She brought her knees to her chest and rested her arms on top of them. "I'm not sure what I can do."

Judging by Finn's downcast look, he didn't know either. In contrast, Nakia's gaze was still focused on Camilla, and while it was still full of criticism, it had softened slightly at Camilla's apology.

"Maybe you could talk to AJ," Nakia suggested. "She was there too, right? She might have some idea of how to help."

Nakia's idea made sense, but Camilla wanted to bother as few people as she could with her issues. Plus, she didn't really know AJ, and while a part of Camilla trusted her, she had no evidence to back up that claim. In fact, her only memories of AJ all took place within the caves of Exodos's hideout, aside from their run-in at Elsie's condo; she wasn't even sure how she knew AJ's name in the first place.

So for several days, Camilla kept that option to herself to ponder the pros and cons. Eventually, she realized that her bias was always going to vote against trusting near strangers, and since Hitomi seemed to be constantly exhausted from her daily assigned chores, Camilla decided to consult Elsie instead.

They had just gotten settled in Elsie's bunk, Camilla with her back to the wall and letting herself be engulfed by Elsie's embrace. Technically, they each had their own bed, in a room they shared with Hitomi and AJ, but since Camilla had the bunk above Elsie's, they both agreed it was easier for them to just share Elsie's lower one. Their roommates were missing again for the night—Hitomi doing her scheduled rotation and AJ doing whatever she did—leaving Camilla and Elsie to each other's company.

"Do you trust AJ?" Camilla suddenly asked with no introduction whatsoever.

"Huh?" Elsie asked, her voice muffled in Camilla's hair. "Sorry, I couldn't hear you."

Camilla turned her head slightly to the side, so she wasn't speaking directly to Elsie's chest. "Do you trust AJ?"

"Oh." Elsie hummed in thought with her chin atop Camilla's head. "Yeah, I guess I do."

"But she worked for Hester," Camilla argued, already knowing that such an argument didn't mean much.

"And she helped us too," Elsie pointed out. "Once Quentin got more information on his sister, and we managed to find a way to communicate with her, she easily got us the information we needed to break you and the others out." Elsie's hand began gently stroking the side of Camilla's head. "Besides, Hitomi confirmed that AJ has no bad intentions against us."

Camilla couldn't think of anything to refute Elsie's justifications, so she said nothing.

"Why do you ask?" Elsie asked. "If you don't mind saying."

While Camilla didn't want to tell Elsie anything, she also knew she couldn't keep holding onto her thoughts by herself. Besides, if Camilla was going to go through with talking to AJ, she would need Elsie's help to get through the inevitable fallout.

"I wanted to ask her some questions," Camilla answered, her voice soft. "About what happened back then."

The silence that followed spoke volumes, and Camilla waited for Elsie's response, not wanting to be the one to break it.

"Oh," Elsie said again after several seconds. "Are you... are you worried?"

Camilla nodded, hoping Elsie could see the motion. "But I want to know. All I can remember now is bits and pieces. I think... not knowing makes me think about it more, just so I can try to fill in the gaps. Having the complete story might put some closure on this. And if it doesn't..." Camilla tried to shrug unbothered, but she hoped it would never come to that.

"Then I'll be here," Elsie finished instead, and briefly squeezed Camilla a little tighter. "We all will."

It was a reassurance that Camilla hadn't realized she needed, and it filled her with a comforting warmth.

Camilla found AJ the next day before her shift, and they both agreed to meet in their room the next time Elsie and Hitomi were out and AJ was free. So of course, Camilla was already there half an hour early, sitting restlessly on Elsie's bunk as she waited for AJ to arrive.

When AJ did show up, she paused briefly in the doorway before continuing inside and standing in front of Hitomi's bunk across the room from Elsie's, facing Camilla from a distance.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" AJ asked.

Camilla forced herself to nod immediately. "I need to know."

For a moment, AJ didn't say anything, and she simply looked at Camilla with a searching gaze.

"You're getting flashbacks," AJ finally said. It wasn't a question.

This time, Camilla did hesitate before nodding.

"But only parts," Camilla said softly. "Like I'm trying to remember the rest of the story. I thought... I was hoping that knowing more would help them stop. Or at least give me information on how to handle them better."

At first, Camilla was afraid that AJ would refuse to tell her anything out of worry for Camilla's irregular coping mechanisms. But eventually, AJ shrugged.

"That might work," AJ said instead. "But it might not. For me, I remembered everything that happened, but I still had flashbacks for a while."

"Then how'd you get them to stop?" Camilla asked, trying and failing to hide her desperation.

"My methods were probably... not the best," AJ admitted grimly. "Plus, it was something only I could do.

"I can control people's minds, yeah?" AJ continued. "I didn't realize I had that ability until the experiments happened. And after all the people they made me use it on... I wasn't interested in doing that again.

"So I figured I would use my abilities on myself instead. I didn't want to lose control of myself completely though, so I would only use it for little things, like subduing my own emotions. And when the flashbacks started, I figured I could handle them the same way.

"At first, I had a hard time getting the timing right. I wouldn't have time to use my abilities before the flashback happened, and by then it'd be too late. But when I started noticing the triggers, or my own body's reaction leading up to a flashback, I was eventually able to head them off." AJ shrugged. "It took time, but I managed eventually."

After pondering AJ's words, Camilla narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"Are you implying that instead of learning more about what I forgot, I should focus on trying to learn how to hold off my flashbacks before they can happen?"

"Huh?" AJ was initially confused, then grimaced. "No, not at all. I'm saying that whatever methods you choose to use, they'll probably be a lot healthier than what I did. But that's only because I set the bar pretty low. I mean, I would use my own abilities to forcefully alter my brain. And I know enough about healthy coping mechanisms to know that that's not one of them."

"Oh." Maybe Camilla and AJ were more alike than she thought.

With that settled, AJ finally took a seat on the edge of Hitomi's bunk, and she leaned towards Camilla with her elbows resting on her knees.

"Before we get started, I just want to point out something," AJ said. "What happened back then was bad. It was bad enough that going through it almost made you lose your mind; you almost forgot your own name. Recounting that experience probably won't be as bad, but..." She shrugged. "I can't guarantee how you'll fare afterwards."

Camilla had speculated that that had been the case, but no one had ever told her outright. She only heard word of it when she accidentally overheard Mack, Nakia, and Finn talking about their ambush on the prison, then when Hitomi accidentally misspoke during one of their discussions. She thought AJ's confirmation would scare her into changing her mind, but instead, Camilla felt more determined than ever.

"I understand," Camilla said firmly.

AJ nodded without question. "Alright then. Where do you want to start?"

"From when I first got there," Camilla answered, determined. "I want to know everything."

---

Camilla didn't know what time it was when she heard a voice calling her name as if it was miles away. It took her another few seconds to react, and after she blinked a few times, Elsie's face came into focus.

She was kneeling in front of Camilla on the ground, keeping about a foot of space between them. Behind her, AJ's bunk was empty, nor was the woman immediately visible anywhere else in the room. There was just Camilla and Elsie.

"Camilla?" Elsie asked tentatively. "Can you hear me?"

At some point, Camilla must have forgotten how to talk, so she simply nodded slowly.

"Are..." Elsie sighed softly. "I know this is a stupid question, but... are you alright?"

Was being alright even possible, knowing what she knew? Now, Camilla understood why she had forgotten about what happened at Farallon. AJ's words had opened the floodgates in Camilla's mind, releasing a stream of memories that were probably better off never seeing the light of day again.

But even though the memories were awful, and even though Camilla could still feel flashes of the pain she felt in the past, she didn't regret knowing. Living in ignorance was admitting that Hester's experiments worked, and Camilla refused to let her win. She could get through this; she had to.

Later, though. For now, Camilla just needed to keep from falling apart completely.

So once Camilla's gaze shakily met Elsie's, Camilla shook her head slowly. Even she knew she was anything but alright. And before Elsie could do anything else, Camilla reached a hand out to her in a silent plea for Elsie's closeness.

Immediately, Elsie obliged, and as soon as she was within reach, Camilla held onto her upper arm as if letting go would cause her to fall apart herself. She didn't let go until Elsie's arms wrapped around her, so she could hold Camilla together instead.

---

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