I barely stopped myself from slamming my bedroom door shut on Denizen with my shaking hand.  It seemed he had followed me inside.  I let him come into my room and then I finally shut the door firmly behind him as if I could block out the rest of the world.

I should not have run, but it was too much for me to take.

I could only hope that they had not come to blows after I fled.  I worried, but there was nothing I could do.  I felt like all the energy in my muscles had been replaced by my accursed fear leaving me with nothing more than limp overwhelming anxiety.

I walked over to my bed and flopped down on top of the blankets.  I looked around the room and all my possessions from my old pack in my his house mixed in with notebooks and pens and other things I had acquired in my time here.

The curse was agitated and it was intent on punishing me.  It wanted me to suffer for the sin of trying to escape it, but even its punishment could not entirely extinguish the part of me that was meant to be free.  No matter how much it pushed me down, there was something that would never die.  My desire for freedom might lie dormant, but it would always be there, waiting for its moment.

I was a free werewolf of a free people and I had inherited the spirit of those who came before.

And I needed to figure out what I truly wanted so that I could finally make a decision.

I wanted to be free of the curse and this was a possible escape.  Truly, if it worked, it was the least painful option.

I thought back to myself before I was limited by the magic.  What had I wanted?  There was a time when I had assumed I would one day marry someone.  My parents had been happy together and I wanted that for myself, the support, the love, the friendship, before I even really was old enough to understand what it was I longed for.

I had almost forgotten those desires with the pain of my mother's death and my mounting fear at the fate of my people.  But I realized those neglected feelings were still there, that desire to love and be loved in return.

But could I even have that while I dragged around these chains?  Was it worth linking my life to someone else's just to take the easy way out?

If it even was truly an easy way out.

The curse gnawed at the back of my neck.  Though the mark was no longer visible, but I could still feel the ice of each tooth in my flesh.  I did not want to live like this.

I had convinced them I was defeating the curse.  I had certainly won some battles, but the fear was ever there, waiting below the surface, lurking in the shadows until I let down my guard at the wrong moment.  I could manage, I could cope, but I knew deep certainty I could not ultimately defeat the magic.  It was in my flesh and in my mind, perhaps even wound around my soul.  There was nowhere in this world that I could hide.

I wanted to escape the curse no matter what it took, except not at the cost of a life.  I would rather we both persist in misery than see him die for my freedom.

Unfortunately, it was vanishingly unlikely that I would ever have the opportunity to save his life, either, especially handicapped as I was.

I knew I would take the gamble.  I had to make a decision, I had to decide with whom I wanted to take such a risk.

The horrible, shameful truth was I would gladly accepted either Serge's or Matthias' proposals individually.  I cared about both of them.

It was likely I could come to love either of them in time.  Both clearly cared for me and both their words were plain.

I had already loved Matthias forever and it would be so easy to let those suppressed feelings be more.

Yet, Serge had somehow found his way in too.  When had he begun to fascinate me; how quickly had I begun to care?

I had to choose for myself and my bid at freedom.  I had to choose for them because it was not fair to drag them along.

Denizen came up to my bed and poked me affectionately with his nose.

I patted his head absently.  "I bet you're trying to sway me over to your master's side, aren't you, Den?" I scolded him.

He looked at me innocently through those beautiful eyes of his as if he were just too pure to ever do something so devious.

I scoffed at him.  None of these male wolves were pure in the slightest.

Still, I appreciated his heat.

The idea of marrying Matthias made my body crawl like I was covered in frozen writhing insects that were trying to burrow into me.

The idea of marrying Serge was both better and worse, it only felt like a single giant ice spider was crawling down the back of my neck and down my spine, looking for a spot to attack me.

My whole body shook at the very idea of rebelling against the curse and trying to lift it, or even making an attempt a having a semblance of normal life.  I could have been lost in a blizzard, so cold and afraid I felt.

If the curse made me feel so terrified at the prospect, I should definitely marry one of them.  I was punished for my rebellious thought with another series of shivers that made me feel as if I would rattle apart.

If the curse hated the prospect, then I would do it.  I was not going to let the fear freeze me, not for long.  What was it I actually wanted?

Love and commitment did not scare me.  I was not afraid of life with either of them.  Both would treat me well enough.  I was not worried about that.  I could be happy with either and I hoped that the one I chose would be happy with me.

My heart was being pulled in two directions and I was genuinely afraid to hurt either of them.  It would be so much easier if one of them turned out to be secretly evil or something, but I knew that was not the case.

I hid my face in Denizen's warm fur.  How could I possibly decide?

I looked at the side table where my satellite phone lay.  I let go of Denizen and slid over to grab it.  I turned on the screen and looked at each person on my contact list and I was pretty sure I already knew what each one would say if I chanced to ask for advice.

Most would be horrified at the idea of me choosing Serge.  Matthias' reaction was a good example of how people would view the matter.  I would probably look like a naive fool for even considering the idea of becoming romantically involved with the man who cursed me.  It would appear the worse case of Stockholm syndrome.  It would be hard.

Most people would be more understanding of me choosing Matthias.  Apparently half the pack had already been aware of his feelings for me.  We got along well, but how would we deal with my need for proximity to Serge?  It would be one thing if love shoved the curse away, but what if it failed?  Would Matthias change packs, live here?  I did not know how we could manage such a situation.

Serge would allow it, but how hard would it be on him?  If I rejected Matthias, our relationship would probably never be the same.  I was at an utter loss.

I scooched past Denizen and grabbed my wallet out of my backpack.  I pulled out a quarter.

"Heads, Ser-Ser...  Tails, Matt."

I flipped the coin into the air.

It spun around indecisively.  I fumbled my catch and it fell on the bed.  I looked down at the profile of the queen.

Serge's face came into my mind before the curse attacked me for thinking of him.  I flipped the coin again.  Heads, Serge.  I flipped it again.

It landed on a picture of a caribou.  Tails, Matthias.

Denizen watched my antics with unblinking eyes from beside my bed.

I flipped again, tails, Matthias.  Matthias, Matthias, Serge, Serge, Matthias, Serge, Serge, Serge, Matthias, Matthias...

Damn it.

I was the worst, most greedy person ever.  A decent person would not be so conflicted.

I crawled underneath the covers and buried my face in my pillow while I searched for some wisdom to give direction to what I should possibly do.

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