The house was quiet when we got back from our little drive. I assumed they retired for the night. The eerie silence creeped me out that I started to feel myself shiver.

"It's late Nooriy, you should go to your room now and sleep" Sa'ad spoke slowly, saying out the words one after the other; as if speaking to a one year old. I nodded while he slumped on the couch and yawned.

Antie Luba and Uncle Alee had taken the guest room downstairs which left sa'ad with the uncomfortable couch.

I walked upstairs, past the numerous suitcases piled up. It'd probably take Auntie Luba weeks before she unpacks everything. I wondered how may packs of daddawa and kuka(dried baobab leaves) she had stuffed into the bags.

Instead of pulling the silver handle to my door, I turned and retraced my steps. A voice in my mind told me to abort and head back to my room, but I had a strong resolution to go there.

Without turning on the lights, I traced my hands against the walls as I sauntered to the underground vault.

When Mama refurnished my room, she took out all the old stuff and hid all of it in the basement. It reminded me of the terrifying nightmares, the sleepless nights and the depression. Every now and then, I sneak down here without her knowledge.

The whole place was covered in dust and cobwebs when I switched in he lights. It flickered before it brightly shone. The pearls on my hijab sparkled as I walked deeper into the room. I opened the old cupboard and without searching, I pulled out a big carton and sat on the floor, not minding the dust.

The first thing I bought out was the blood stained dress. It was a purple short sleeved dress that stopped right below my ankles. It was torn messily had a stagnant odor. The tears welled up but I held them back, trying to stay strong.

The next thing I picked was a sling attached to an arm cast. Then a box of empty sleeping pills. Then I bought out a white wig I didn't know was in the box. It was the same wig I wore to my Career day event when I was 8. I dressed up as a lawyer. It was that same day that Abba gifted me a doll because I had spoke so bold on stage. I roughly rummaged the box until I found the doll.

I dropped everything back in the box and sobbed. Everything came back in a rush. Every feeling of dejected I had tightly sealed escaped and hit me hard until I felt my head throbbing.

Why wasn't Abba here when we needed him. It's that same feeling of rejection that makes me feel guilty and blame my self. And then the guilt leads to depression and then I slowly slowly start to lose my sanity. Three years now and I can count the number of times he visited. Eleven times. Three times on my birthday, twice on his and mama's wedding anniversary, five times due to his meeting with the minister and one time I'm not quite sure why he came.

Every time he calls, I get to hear the longing in mama's cold voice. It wasn't like that before. He squeezes his schedule and drives down from Kaduna every week. Every single week, he never misses.

I sat in the basement for what seemed like an hour then I switched off the lights and walked upstairs to my room, where I curled in my freshly washed duvet and tried to sleep.

But sleep was far away from me and my eyes were still wide open when I heard the adhan for Subhi prayer (dawn prayer)

*

It was after I prayed Subhi that realization stuck me. Sa'ad, Auntie Luba and uncle Alee were leaving today. I don't know when next I'd see Sa'ad again. I don't know how I'd live without him.

He was the standing pole in my life, the strong one that taught me how to stay strong. He was with me since the very day my mother gave birth to me, and he stayed by my side without budging. He didn't fix me, he taught me how to pick up my broken pieces and fix myself.

So I did what Dr laweeza told me to whenever I feel I can't cope with something. Think on the brighter side.

My mom is still with me and nothing ever happens to me when she's here. And so is my best friend, Afiyyah.

Everything will fall in place. I just have to get used to not seeing him everyday.

After 90 minutes, I had taken a long bath, slipped into a white T-shirt and jeans. I wore my signature ankle length purple hijab and my favorite sandals. I had no appetite for food but pushed in a slice of bread with some scrambled eggs.

The luggages had been arranged in the car trunk when we stepped outside. The cold made me want to stay inside for the rest of the day but I decided against it when I spotted Sa'ad sitting on the door step and sluggishly tying his shoe lace. He wore white Tee and jeans too which made me smile a little.

"You're up this early?" I asked. The look on his face made me feel heartbroken.

"Umma splashed water on me and threatened to drive off without me" I laughed.

Oh I wish they had gone without you

Their three cars, and Sa'ad's bike were parked, taking much of the space in the compound. They didn't want to leave them at their house for security reasons and also not want to sell them, so we are safekeeping them.

The thirty minutes drive seemed longer. With uncle Alee driving mom's car and Auntie Luba on the passenger seat, I was sandwiched between mama and Sa'ad. The elders talked about politics while I watched Sa'ad.

He was fidgeting, staring blankly at the window; and when he turned and caught me staring, I smiled and continued to watch him.

"You know, when you're nervous about something, you stammer and keep fidgeting with your fingertips." I whispered

And also look very cute

He giggled and I realized I said it out loud. Oh damn!

It was when the car had parked and the luggages were piled on a trolley that I felt the lump on my throat. I leaned on the car and watched Mama spoke.

"...and don't carry heavy things, it might affect the baby....your skin is already looking pale and dry, did you use the coconut oil I gave you...." I watched Auntie Luba's lip as they moved, saying something.

I felt dizzy when Auntie Luba hugged me, and when Uncle Alee gave my shoulders a squeeze. I gave each of them a smile and they begun walking towards the departure terminal.

"I'll stay by the car" I yelled gesturing at the 'no parking zone' mama's car sat.

Sa'ad was glued to his spot beide me.

"You'll miss your flight..." I spoke giving him a gentle tap.

"I will miss you" these four word made me fight back the my tears.

No crying Noor.

Be strong.

"Me too...Goodbye Sa'ad" he clutched his backpack and started to walk towards the glass doors.

It was when he had almost vanished from my view that I had realized.

"Sa'ad! Wait!" I exclaimed.

I ran towards the doors, feeling the cold floors against my bare feet.

Oh shit! I forgot my shoes in the car

Sa'ad turned, looking at me with a sad expression as I tried to breathe.

It happened in a second. I didn't realize what I was doing. I hugged Sa'ad. I held him so tightly, just the way I held on to my memories. I engraved every bit of that five seconds moment into my head and with tears in my eyes, I let him go.

I wiped my tears and placed my silver bracelet in his hand. "I had to give you a token Sa'ad, for all you've sacrificed for me, for all he things you've done for me, for everything Sa'ad...Now go on Sa'ad, live your life to the fullest...you've done your best for me, and now, Noor would strive to find her own light"

"Goodbye Nooriy" he had said before I blanked out, watching the people coming in and out of the terminals.

I wish I hadn't zoned out that day...I wish I had been stable enough to listen, to hear, the three special words he had said to me, before he disappeared in the swarm of people.

**

So Sa'ad is gone now

What do you think will happen to Noor, will she find herself again? Or will she break down once again?

I'm so sorry I haven't been updating...Writing has been hard for me, recently but I'll try to make a writing schedule.

And please vote, it helps alot.

Husnah❣️

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