Noor

I sank deep into the couch as I watched mom speaking to someone on her phone. Her hair all tangled and messily forming a ponytail. The dark circles under her eyes portrayed her lack of sleep.

I watched the way her lips moved, the way she scratched her forehead before she spoke, the way her eyebrows burrowed and the way she perfectly concealed the anger she felt. No matter how hard she did try to conceal her anger, it always reflected in her eyes.

Like the sun reflecting on broken pieces of mirror, no matter how small the piece of mirror is, you'd still see the sun, in every piece.

"Why Sadiq? Why are you pushing us away?.....Noor needs you, we need you....Work, work and work, that's always the excuse" I saw the rage in her eyes, but her voice wasn't matching the rage, instead it was soft.

"Don't go too far Sadiq, that one day when you turn back, you won't find us" she placed the phone on the table by the side of the arm chair and smiled at me softly. She thinks I didn't hear.

Of course Noor wouldn't hear, she's always engrossed in the little world she had created in her mind...the world of fear and depression and psychosis

I wanted so badly to hug her tightly, to console her, to take her miseries and sadness upon myself, to take every bit of pain away from her. I prayed for her, every single day when I place my forehead on the ground, I prayed to Allah to take away the pain in my mother's life, to bring an end to all her hardships. She had gone through so much, I'm afraid she won't be able to take anymore.

"Mama..." I called out

"Noor? What's wrong" she moved and sat next to me on the big couch. She felt my body temperature with her hands, rubbing the area around my earlobes.

"I think I'm ready, I want to see a psychiatrist mama, I want to get treated, again" I gulped, shutting my eyes before I continued "For you my mama, I'm ready to take the pain once again, to be alright, for you"

I saw, her eyes beamed with newfound happiness.

"Really?" She sputtered

I nodded, giving her a smile that didn't reach my eyes.

"I'll call Dr Laweza..." she raved

"No mama...not her. Let's consult another doctor, someone different"

I've spilled to Dr laweza more than she should know about me, if possible I don't want to meet her ever again.

Mama seemed she was in deep thoughts for a while before she spoke. She mumbled words like 'I know who to call' and 'that would be the best option' but my mind shifted to the picture on the wall.

I made a mental note to myself. I would take down that picture, the very day the doctors declare me mentally and physically stable.

It was before I went to bed that day, that I had seen the text message from Sa'ad

S~So sorry nooriy, I didn't call earlier. Just finished settling in our new home. The company agents had a misunderstanding about me being a 'girl' and they painted my room pink-thinking I'd love it...urrrgh! Now I live in a room filled with soft pillows, pink flowers and cuddly animals...don't laugh noor!

I miss you terribly nooriy ....really.

**

It was a thursday morning. I woke up very late. The sun was already up and I hadn't prayed Fajr(dawn prayer). I quickly performed ablution and prayed. I wondered why mama did not wake me up. She's always up at 5:30am sharp. Not a minute late.

It took me an hour to take a shower, get dressed and pack the scattered books on the floor. I had tried to stuff the whole terms syllable into my head in my night due to the big test that awaited. My mock exams too were fast approaching and I felt a tingling sensation in my tummy every time I thought of how badly I've been preparing. I hurried downstairs with my backpack slacking  behind me on my back. I noticed I didn't feel pain on my left arm anymore.

I found mama, sprawled on the carpet, with her head resting on the couch. Her eyes were bloodshot and were burning with fever. A huge pile of dirty tissue paper could be spotted easily beside her.

"Maama? Are you fine? You look sick" I abandoned my backpack on the floor and kneeled next to her.

She sneezed, cleaning her nose with a piece of already soiled tissue before speaking. "I'm alright, just a little fever" 

"Not just a little, your skin is burning. We should see a doctor" I protested

"I made breakfast, go and eat some, You're already very late to school. I spoke to umm hadiza, our neighbor next door, she'd drop you to school" mama said, coughing hysterically afterwards; which left me tensed.

Throughout the drive to school in Umm Hadiza's car, I was worried about mama's health. Hadiza, the toddler sat quietly in her car seat and sucked her thumb.

I hardly concentrated throughout my classes for the day. And when the bell rang signaling the end of lessons for the day, I hastily slung my backpack and met Affiyah at the hallways.

"Have you heard about the school trip for the final year students?" She beamed happily.

"Um no..." before I could ask more she begun talking.

"First we would go to Yankari National park, Bauchi state; and Obudu plateau, and then gurara waterfalls in Niger state. It's going to be sooo much fun" she chimed.

"That sounds really interesting, I hope mama allows me to go" I muttered

Her excitement had dropped when she spoke. "Mom wouldn't allow me to go" she said

"Well, that makes two of us"

She frown before she said "I have a dentist appointment by four, see you tomorrow nooriy" she clutched her bag and walked to the car waiting for her.

I couldn't help but smile at the name she called me

Nooriy

Brings back memories of a certain someone.

*

When I climbed into the bus, the pungent smell of sweat hit my nostrils and I frowned instantly.  I took the vacant seat next to my bus friend, Mekayla, who looked like she had ran a marathon.

"You look tired today" she whispered

"Not as tired as you look" I said gesturing to her. Her white blouse was almost drenched in sweat, the ankle length socks were missing and she wore flip flops instead of her usual black shoes.

When the bus stoped by my house, I smiled at the driver before getting off. I watched as he reversed and drove off to drop the next student.

The smell of food hit me as soon as I got in. I dropped my backpack and joined mama in the kitchen.

"How're you feeling now?" I inquired knowing she'd brush me up by saying it's just a little fever

"Better, I took some ginger and honey tea...it really helped" she spoke, slicing some onions. "I made tuwo today"

I scrunched my nose. I hated it. But Baba loved it. It was the only thing we didn't have in common.

I didn't bother to take a bath and changed into sweatpants and one of Sa'ad's T-shirt. I forced myself to eat. Literally forced. But I could only eat half from my plate. Mama didn't say anything when I kept the plate without finishing my food in the kitchen. She remained in deep thoughts as she mopped the kitchen floor.

I frowned when she passed me a glass of water and my anti-psychosis pill. I forced it down without any complaint.

When I laid down on the couch for a nap-the pills made me really drowsy, The door bell rang making me jump up instantly.

"Mama, I think we need to call a repair man for our bell" I yelled then lumbered to the door. I could hardly open my eyes.

"Who's there"

I opened the door with my eyes almost betraying me. I saw the person I least expected. Someone I haven't seen for months. Someone that did not think it was necessary to check up in us. Someone I should be angry at but for some reason I am not.

Baba.

***