"Noor dear, your dad is at the door"

Four year old noor ran with her little legs, her two ponytails wriggling and the sound of her laughter filled the happy home. She stood on her toes reaching out for the door handle while her mother scolded.

"I've told you several times not to run noor! What if you had slipped?" Her mother smiled, shaking her head vigorously.

Noor opened the door and with the fasted pace she could handle, she ran to her father. He scooped her up twirling and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Baba..." she giggled when he tickled her stomach.

She was still glued to him when he stepped inside. "Look at what I have brought for my little princess"

"A doll house!" Noor glided down her father arms and eagerly started opening the box.

She smiled up at him. "Thank you daddy"

"Noor?" He called out. The little Noor squatting beside me, admiring her new doll house had vanished. I stared at him for a full minutes with my drowsy eyes. He smiled before ruffing my hair and pinching my cheeks.

I mumbled a greeting as he stepped inside while I followed followed suit, tracing my fingers along the wall for support.

There wasn't any gift for Noor not was there any hug for Abba.

Mama served him lunch. And even though we had eaten, we sat still sat at the table. Mama made efforts to start a conversation but the awkwardness seemed to have a permanent stay. I didn't speak a word. I just watched.

I watched the way his jaw muscles moved, the traces of food stuck on his beard that had begun to turn white. The way he gave quotations with his left hand while he ate with his right. I saw the way his eyes glowed when he looked up at mama.

I also saw disappointment in his black orbs. The way he glared at me that night, that look of anger. "Why Noor? Why" he had yelled.

I felt dizzy. My head felt heavier and I could barely feel my feet. I felt like I was floating.

"Mama, I'm going upstairs to sleep? I have a headache" I murmured and with that I tumbled to my room, taking each step with difficulty. I didn't reach my bed when my vision blurred and I passed out.

***

It was raining when I woke up. I was on my bed and the comforter was drawn to cover me up. Tossing to the other side of the bed, I watched the rain sliding against the glass window. I lay awake on my bed for an hour, watching the rain while my mind drifted away, miles away.

My jumbling thoughts came back to one thing only. Life didn't give me flowers, I got only thorns. Big harsh thorns. And I failed to save myself from getting struck by it.

I failed to face my trials. To be a good daughter. I failed to overcome everything. I failed at every aspect. Baba doesn't love me anymore. I was useless. Nobody needed me anymore. Everyone's lives would be much easier if I were gone.

Kneeling next to the night stand, I pulled the drawer and took out the metal. It felt cold against my wrists. Taking a deep breath and clutching my eyes shut, I imagined a garden, a beautiful garden with flowers without thorns. I imagined a house in that garden, with family without sadness. In that house there was neither pain nor fear. There was happiness and contentment.

"It could be over Noor, you could end it all. Do it. Just do it!" A voice spoke.

"How will you face your Creator Noor? What will you tell Allah?" Another voice spoke

Realization of what I was about to do stuck me and I threw away the knife. I hugged my knees and cried. I cried for a long time until the tears no longer cooperated then trudged to the bathroom and took a bath.

I scrubbed every inch of my body. The guilt of what I was about to do made me feel dirty. I scrubbed until my skin glistened and the hot water ran out. I performed ablution and stepped out to pray, to seek forgiveness from Allah.

***

"Noor has agreed for therapy again" mama blurted out during breakfast. I concentrated on my cornflakes and refused to look up.

They shouldn't see through me
They should not see what I tried last night

"That is very good" baba extolled , keeping down his newspaper. I could notice his perpetuating gaze from the corner of my eyes.

"I am going to speak to the doctor today, he mentioned some sort of treatment, electro-something therapy" mama spoke staring down at her black coffee. "If you could...I mean we could meet him together it would be..."

"I have a to go and submit a very important document today... I'm sure you can handle everything" baba said. There was a something in his voice that I couldn't really comprehend. He sounds worried and tired. I could see the way he avoided mama's eyes as he spoke.

Mama was silent while I finished my bowl of cornflakes. The only sound that filled us was baba flipping his newspaper.

"How's school? Hope you're coping well?" Baba suddenly inquired.

"Fine" I droned. "Mama, I'm getting late"

Mama drove me to school. We spoke about the nice weather and some good vacationing spots.

"Amsterdam or Paris " she said glancing lovingly at me. "One day Noor, when I stop worrying about everything too much, when everything fall in place, we would go and relax for a month. You and me"

"Soon mama, soon"I whispered

When she had parked near the school gate, she turned to me. "I have started my annual leave from work but I have to meet someone. I might be late. I'll leave you food in the microwave, warm it and eat. I will keep the pills you need to take on the fridge."

"Yes mom" I gave her a quick wave before disappearing in the swarm of teenagers.

I bumped into Afiyya during our forty-five minutes break. She had a bandage wrapped around her fingers.

"What happened?" I gasped

"Oh! Nothing big. I tried to cook dinner for everyone last night. I cut myself and burnt the whole meal" she whimpered. "Everyone had a rough day and I thought I could cheer them up with my cooking but alas, I suck at it." She trailed off. "My mother is a great cook, but since we moved she has been so busy, I bet she would have taught me how to cook if she had enough time"

"I could teach you" I proposed.

"Really!" She let out a squeal. "It will be so much fun.. and plus we would get to do girl stuff together" she gushed happily.

When the bus stopped at my place, I smiled at the driver just the way I do every time before stepping out. I took the back door because the front door was locked and the first thing I noticed was that the house smelt great.

Baba was on the dining table, sorting out papers while he yelled into his phone. "The papers are missing Idris! How irresponsible of you. Of course they are not with me! You know what, stop wasting my time. I know you misplaced them. I will have to go to court and get another one stamped..."

He acknowledged my presence with a nod before going back to his papers. I trudged upstairs and tiredly slumped on my bed.

It was after I prayed asr salat that baba called my name. I scurried downstairs and met him fully dressed, holding a black briefcase.

"Noor...I have to go out for some urgent work, will you be fine alone by yourself?"he asked. "Because you mother said I shouldn't leave you..."

"I'll be fine" I cut him off

"Okay..make sure you keep the doors locked" he turned to leave but stopped. "and keep your phone close to you" I nodded. He stood for sometime before turning to me

"You know what? Quickly get dressed and come with me" he declared.

Slipping into a black and white Abaya, I couldn't fight back the involuntary flood of bittersweet memories

**

It's been so long that I updated,  I am actually disappointed in myself. I will definitely make a writing schedule and Insha Allah I will try to update often.

Sorry for keeping you guys hanging.

Please don't forget to vote and comment

Husna🌼