"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending"

•••••

I felt something move beside me, but the heavy sleep engulfed me fully. I have been asleep for a while, and when my eyes flickered open, I heard a voice outside my room.

The best part of the sleeping sedative is it's calming effect. You'll have a very peaceful sleep with no bad dreams. I snuggled deeper into my teddy bears, not wanting to wake up. I have this passion for soft dolls that I buy one almost every week.

"For the past six hours, I've been trying to tell you that she's asleep, but you keep calling to disturb her. What's wrong with you?" His voice was very clear from the corridor.

Glaring at the wall clock and realizing I had been sleeping for six hours, I walked slowly to the bathroom, my head spinning and my feet sour and my left arm hurts so badly. The events associated with my arm aren't memories that I'd gladly remember.

I fell off a tall building last year, a couple broken ribs, a broken arm, and a fractured nose. It was an accident, but the doctors said it I attempted suicide.

I swear I didn't see the open windows while walking on the third floor. My mind was just over flooded.

No one believed it was an accident because I had tried killing myself before. A few weeks after my life most terrifying incident , I had slit my wrist with a sharp knife, the cut wasn't too deep, I somehow survived.

Mama gently made me understand that death isn't the solution, by taking my life, I sure have ended my life's trials, but what would I tell my Lord?

I stopped the suicide thought and made a very big promise to myself, I'd face my trials, no matter how harsh they become.

My hair looks like a real bird nest, I had dried tears all over my face. My shirt was wrinkled and had little puddle of tears.

My mind drifted to what happened a few hours ago and I felt my head spin. I pushed all the thoughts to the back of my mind, and splashed water over my face. I just wish I could get triple the dose of sedatives, and sleep like nothing matters in this world. Forget what happened for eighteen hours. 

I performed ablution and prayed zuhr and asr, then sat on my praying mat, and read the Quran in a high voice. Dwelling in the moment, and forgetting everything. I felt happy and after a while I closed the Quran and thought about the thing I had been dreading.

My hallucinations are back...again.

I don't know what happened to me, but I laughed at the matter at hand, maybe my brain has started malfunctioning.

I laughed loudly, so loudly that Sa'ad barged in to see if I was fine. I laughed until my throat felt dry, then I started crying.

"Noor...are you fine?" He asked sitting on the floor beside me.

"No! I'm not fine. I've never been fine. I'm a lunatic remember? I'm mentally unstable. I'm depressed. I hear voices that are not real, I see people that don't exist anymore. I can't sleep at night without my sleeping pill, I get frightening nightmares every night. I get scared when I see people around me. I lie to you, mama, everyone, that I'm over it. But the truth still remains the same, I never ever got over it. It's still engraved in my heart, not to mention how the scars on my body affects me every time I look into the mirror...I.."

"Nooriy.... We all know you are still stuck with those memories...you are not the Noor we knew three years ago, the girl that smiles every time, that speaks nonstop without thinking, the girl that I...." He stopped midway while I sobbed harder. " but why can't you forget about it, why can't you be yourself?" 

No matter how hard I tried to make then think I'm fine...they still got to know that I'm not..I'm not fine..I'm miserable.

And I don't know if I'd ever be fine.

"Because it kills me to see her happy. She was the reason I'm like this, and she's happy. Her life is perfect. And I...I'm still stuck with it...it's killing me slowly Sa'ad" I said, new batch of tears rolling off. He tried to wipe them, but he stopped midway.

"Don't let someone's happiness ruin yours. Be happy, in your own way and let them be. Forget her, forget it ever happened Noor. And live your life to the fullest, for this life is too short to hold on to memories. Forget the past and look onto the bright future ahead of us." He said and even through my tears, I smiled.

"Thank you Ta'ad" I said trying to lift off the heavy tension in the air. As a child I found it hard to pronounce his name correctly, I ended up call him Ta'ad.

"Nooriy, can you promise me something?" He spoke, his shoulders slightly slumped as he leaned against the purple wall. "Nooriy, we're moving in fifteen day.." he trailed watching the ceiling fan as it moved in a circular motion.

"Nooriy, Promise me that by the time I come back to Nigeria, I'll find my old Noor. Promise me Noora"

I don't know what urged me to make a promise I can't keep, but I placed my hand on his, and spoke, not knowing how the words formed and flew out of my mouth.

"I promise you Sa'ad, you'll get your Noor back" there was a glint of happiness in his silver eyes as I spoke "I promise you I'd get over it, I promise you I will move on Sa'ad. I promise"

He smiled showing his white dentition. "You should come downstairs...Aunt and Umma are extremely anxious"

I removed the heavy hijab and followed him downstairs, with my hair like a birds nest.

Ya Allah, give me the strength to fulfill the promise I just made.

I forgot everything on seeing the sadness on mama's face. It pains to know that I am the reason for her sadness. I smiled and walked up to them.

"Auntieee Lubaaa" I said hugging her tightly. "Mama...is the chocolate cake ready?" I asked mama licking my lips think about the cake she was baking...before...

Before the devils associate decided to give us a visit and steal the happiness of our home.

"It's in the kitchen Noor, go get it" she said with a small smile. And I ran to the kitchen.

I munched my chocolate cake like my life depends on it, trying to forget about all that happened in my life. The cake was absolutely terrific, it wasn't hard putting my mind off the stepsister of mine that ruined my life.

"Uhm..I think you should speak to your friend, she has called eight times" Sa'ad stated and passed me my phone. "But take your medicines first" he said handing me a glass of water and the pills.

I swallowed the pills after glaring at them for minutes, slightly hoping they'd disappear. And then I dialed Affiyah's number.

"Noor! Where have you been? We have a very big issue..." my friend gulped through the phone.

"What is it?" I asked curious, walking up to my room that has been cleaned, all the things I threw had been placed back to the place they belonged. I'm sure Sa'ad cleaned my room.

"I kinda fired the makeup artist....again" she said and I laughed. "She was being rude and bossy..I just can't stand her"

An that was how she brightened up my mood and I totally forgot about my life's trials for a while.

**********

I don't know when auntie Luba and Sa'ad left. I just felt soft lips on my forehead and words like "take care Noor" and "bye nooriy, call me later"

I watched the last spoon of rice as it was shoved into my mouth. I watched as mama cleared up the dining table and washed the dishes. I couldn't move an inch from the chair I had been sitting on as I watched life move on around me.

Why am I not happy, why I'm I not grateful. I have everything. A caring mother, a wonderful aunt, a best friend/ sister and most of all, I have the best brother ever.

Then why I'm I still not happy.

"Because you're still stuck in the hardest phase of your life, your worst trial" A voice rang through my brain.

Mama sat down beside me, as she looked at me lovingly"My Princess, are you fine" she asked and I flinched at a certain word.

"Princess"

I flashed her a smile before I spoke "Mama, I'm fine"

"I'm sorry Noor darling, I...I thought you had forgiven her, I have been trying to tell you about her visit...but..but I kept hesitating...I'm sorry" she spoke and there was sincerity in her eyes, not to mention the sorrow.

"Mama, when are we visiting Mamie?" I asked, ignoring every word about Jamila.

She isn't worth it. She isn't worth my tears nor mama's remorse. If she thinks I have forgotten, then she's highly mistaken, I might have forgiven her out of courtesy and humanity, I wouldn't want someone to go to Jahannam solely because of me, but I have not forgotten, not even for a minute since it happened.

Mama's eyes lit up at the mention of Mamie. Mamie is my father's mother, my paternal grandmother. My grandparents lived in the other side of the city, far away in the outskirts, which is why we don't visit them frequently.

"Of course Noor, We'll visit them during the weekends, Insha Allah" she spoke smiling.

I placed my head on her laps, just the way I always do, and she caressed my hair.

~~~~~~•~~~~~~•~~~~~~•

Helllooo my lovely, fantastic, sweethearts, darlings- okay straight to the point😂- please vote and comment.

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This chapter is one of my best actually, so shoe me if you love it.😆

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