Noor

I stood bare footed on the wet tiles in my foggy bathroom. I examined my reflection on the tremendous mirror that stood tall, almost touching the ceiling. A girl I have no absolute memory of stared back with dark circles under her tired eyes. Her black orbs looked tired, tired of life and it's trials.

Water droplets fell from my wet hair, making the tiles slippery. Steam was fogging the mirror, giving it an opaque white touch.

Sometimes I wish that maybe one day, I'd look into this mirror and find the old me staring back.  A girl with high confidence level, a girl that has no limit when it comes to talking, a girl that isn't going through depression, a girl that doesn't get frightened upon seeing new people.

A girl that can smile without forcing it.

But I've learned to accept my flaws, I've learned to live with it. With the hope that one day, everything will fall in place. I wouldn't be the 'depressive psychotic' patient. Even though a piece of paper had clearly stated my mental stability, deep down I know that I have lied my way out of the hospital.

I want to wake up one day and find my mother and father like they used to be before. The care and affection between them went down the drain along with the pills I throw away everyday. I want to wake up as a normal teenager with no other problem other than school.

I want to live again.

Maybe I should reconsider meeting another psychotherapist, a thing mama failed in persuading me.

I pushed the thoughts of therapy out of my mind and squeezed out water from my hair as I walked out of the bathroom. I had been in there for almost two hours that the sudden cold air made me flinch, but after a while my body adjusted.

I opened a drawer to take out a towel to dry my hair when a large spider that looked poisonous fell out.

A loud scream came out of my mouth before I could realize it and I jumped on the bed, away from the deadly creature.

"Noor" came a voice from behind the door. "What's wrong?"

"Sa'ad, it's...there's a very big spider here" I managed to speak

The door opened with a creak and Sa'ad came in holding a rubber slippers. The slippers hit the floor with a loud thud making my heart skip a beat. I noticed Sa'ad was already dressed.

He left the room without any word, closing the door firmly behind him. It was after he left that I realized I was standing on the bed with only a towel draped around me.

I dried my hair and got dressed quickly, then skipped downstairs hastily before the monster spider wakes up.

I found mama in the kitchen, cooking jellof rice. My favorite food for lunch. Jellof rice is the best, especially when combined with fried plantains and green salad. Amazing.

I chopped some vegetables, but without the clinking sound of my bracelet as I worked in the kitchen, everything seemed so weird. I'm too attached that piece of jewelry, and now that I accidentally misplaced it, it might take some time before I get over it.

Sa'ad was in the living room, enjoying his Saturday afternoon, when the door bell rang loudly. That bell needs to be fixed before it renders someone deaf.

I could hear the front door unlocked and it opened with a creak. Then came Auntie Luba's voice. I smiled instantly. I turned down the flame and joined them in the living room.

"Salam Alaikum uncle Alee" I greeted Anty Luba's husband, a more matured version of Sa'ad.

"Wa'alaikumus salam Nooriy" he answered, calling me by my most famous nickname. My face lit up instantly.

We then ate lunch together. Echoes of laughter and funny discussions could be heard everywhere in the house.

It was 2pm when I went upstairs to my room. That was went it happened. I heard him. It was his voice. That very husky voice that frightens every nerve in my body.

"Princess...I'd always find you...you can keep running from me"

I turned around, but there was no one in the room. I heard him call out to me. Again. And again.

I used my palms to cover my ear, just so I wouldn't hear him, but it was of no use because it seems the voice was coming from my head.

I felt my head spinning and after a while, I fell to the carpet with a thud....

****

"Noor!" I felt someone shake me, but my eyelids were heavy. I felt sprinkles of water on my face, that was when my eyes snapped open.

"Mama" I called out when she stared at me blankly. "Mama..he was here" I said with a gulp. "I heard him. Again" I felt the tear fall and I did nothing to stop them.

She instantly engulfed me in a hug. So tight that I could feel her heartbeat.

"It's fine.... I'm here now" she spoke and I felt calm. We stayed like that for a while before she spoke. "Are you okay?" I nodded. "You should freshen up and come downstairs"

I stood up and walked to the bathroom. I heard her call yet again.

"Noor..are you fine?" She asked and I smiled before nodding. I walked away without a word. I was afraid if I opened my mouth, the truth might slip out.

***

"Nooriy? Are you sure you're fine. You have been sleeping for so long" Sa'ad spoke.

"I'm fine...just feeling a bit feverish, nothing serious" I said, looking away from his hazel eyes.

"Sa'ad! Anty Luba called out from the living room. "We're leaving in a minute. Come downstairs now! And no tantrums!" She yelled.

I followed him downstairs to execute the plan that popped on my mind while I was in the bathroom.

"Mama...can I spend the weekend at Aunt's place" I smiled sweetly hoping my cute face still works on her.

She hesitated before she spoke. "Sure you can. But I expect you back tomorrow after zuhr.

I smiled happily. I didn't have to tell her why I fainted today. Or why I hallucinated. Or argue about seeing another doctor.

I don't know why mama thinks seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist will help me. It does nothing but to worsen everything. Narrating my past brings back every bit of pain I experienced. Talking about it feels like I have burning embers down my throat. It hurts.

It hurts like hell.

I packed two sets of clothes in a small box and joined Sa'ad at the back seat of Uncle Alee's Newest car.

The interior was beautiful. I couldn't help but gawk. I waved at mama. She looked uncomfortable just like the way she did when I was going out of town with baba for the first time.

It was the first time I was out of her sight for more than two days.

And it was terrible. Very terrible.

*****

Hello!

So most of you might be wondering what's wrong with Noor. She has depressive Psychosis. It happens when someone goes through something traumatizing and can't get over it, and the guilt starts to affect the person badly. Some experience hallucinations, delusions, suicidal thoughts, and epilepsy.

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Husnah Hussain✍🏼💞