~(First Love Yourself)~

Cynthia swallowed the steaming rich soup, spoon after slow spoon. The heat and spice of the soup would alleviate her sore throat and rheumy eyes, though her stormy heart would need something else to mend. Pushing away the bowl after having finished half of the soup, she looked at her mother who placed the bowl on the dresser beside the bed. She let out a soft sigh, her mother must have something to say to her and it would hurt her, which was the only reason for hed hesitation.

"It is okay, mom, just spill it out. After the week I have had, nothing can hurt me more."

It was with a wan smile that her mother spoke, "It could, hurt you more, I mean. But I want you to listen to me carefully. Whatever David said to you," she stopped when Cynthia stiffened but then continued, "I think he was right. You really need to stop thinking so much." 

Her tears flowed in copious streams at her mother's words, it was betrayal all over again. She still had not come to terms with David's stand, 'how could he accuse her of being insecure about her weight and dismiss her fears as baseless. He did not have to face the bullying and the snide remarks. He was not the one to be labelled a fat gold digger. He was not the one to be the recipient of spiteful looks for anything she wore. He was not...'

Cynthia's internal rantings came to a halt when she felt her mother's hand on hers, "It is difficult to ignore the snide remarks and spiteful comments, but then it is not right to allow those to determine your outlook, either. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Anger now pulsed through her but before she could retort, her mother hastened on, "You focus only on what some people call as fat, why do you not see, for a few minutes at least, what exactly you are?"

When Cynthia did not answer, her mother gently asked, "I do not agree with your perception that you are fat, you are curvy and yes while it is not as per the prevalent fashion standards, it does not make you fat. However, for a small time let us agree with what you think, yet, despite being fat, is there nothing you have achieved? Are they none who like you for the way your are?"

"Making it to the swim team? Apparently being a whale has its advantages," Cynthia lashed out but then the sarcasm was ignored by her mother.

"Anything else?"

Cynthia sighed, her mother could be persistent and persuasive and the only way she could halt this 'discover yourself mission' was to answer her mother and be done with it. She glared, "okay, here it goes, my school and college grades, my job and my work performance, my professional achievements, my friends who do not care how I am and actually Rhoda laughs when I call myself fat, you and Dad, David..."

She trailed off when she said his name, he had not called her after that day, when she had read his letter. She had been upset, sad and then angry, finally deciding to let him know that if that is what he thought about her, he might as well never talk to her. As always, he had honoured her wish, though she knew that he never stopped inquiring about her.

"Have you not got your answer, Cyn? Even if you are fat, you have achieved so much to be proud of and are much loved. So why do you refuse to believe any of us but insist on paying attention to a few spiteful people who do not have any place in your life and whom you should not be paying any attention to? Why is it so easy to hate yourself? And can you not see that by listening to them you are making them win?"

She had no answer to that, even the pain and the shame that she had felt at being bullied did not seem reason enough. However, years of seeing only the worst in her body had made it difficult for her to simply accept what her mother said, even though it was the truth.

"I do not know, Mom, what you say sounds reasonable, but when I look at the mirror, all I can hear..."

Cynthia trailed off, it would take time and effort but then it was time she did.

It was hard, an almost uphill task.

Even David's crumpled letter, folded into irregular accordion pleats, so that only the line 'I love you and I will always do.' was visible, was not enough at times. The first time she looked at the mirror to introspect, her positive attitude lasted less than a minute, before she lapsed into her life long habit of criticising her body. She then decided to treated as a project, a goal to be completed and gave herself three months's time, during which every day, she would stare down at her mirror and try to see the good things. 

Cynthia had set the reward for herself, too, it would be the Annual Ball hosted by David's company, and it would be worth seeing David's reaction to the new Cynthia. It was suitable, after it was her reaction at another party that had prompted David to write that letter. She closed her eyes as those words echoed, time had not dulled the venom, 'I wonder what he sees in that fat bitch...' 'maybe she picks him up, if he did he would surely pull a muscle...' ' I am sure it is a passing fancy, there is no way any man can like a woman like her...'  She put her hands over her ears, the words stopped and surprisingly, there was none of that familiar insecurity. She felt powerful and confident, as her mother said, David's love was stronger that those women's snideness.

○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○ꊞ○

David knotted his tie, wondering how things had come to a stage where he would have to be attending the Ball without Cynthia by his side. He had mulled the option of dropping out, but then it was not possible, so the other alternative was to make his presence felt and then a quick exit. For the hundredth time he wondered if writing that letter to Cynthia was a mistake but then he had to let her know that her perception of herself was wrong. Maybe he should have said it to her face but then he knew how it would end, she would burst into tears and he would keep quiet. 

The door bell pulled him out of his reverie and he wondered who it could be, as he was not expecting anyone. Mumbling under his breath, trying to be calm, he did not bother to check who was on the other side. He pulled open the door a little harder than usual and froze when he caught sight of Cynthia standing on his porch. 

David blinked, trying to convince himself that the silver clad woman was not an illusion and when she did not disappear, he was forced to accept that it was indeed Cynthia at his doorstep. He croaked her name and when she gave a laugh, he grinned, 'How he had missed her, her voice, her laugh...'

"You did invite me to your ball and despite me throwing a tantrum and refusing to talk to you for all these months, I am sure I am still your 'plus one'. " 

David just nodded, wondering what he could say to her, she had always been beautiful but today, she simply glowed. Cynthia was dressed in a dark silver grey gown that had sparkling sequins detailing, one that highlighted and showed off her curves, a style that she had never worn earlier, complaining that it enhanced her curves. Though the dress do it, in a way that blew away his mind and left him dumbstruck.

Cynthia let out another nervous giggle, she had not been as confident as she had sounded, worrying that her three months' of silence had driven David away and while his reaction assured her that she looked great, the continued silence was worrisome. However, she held on to her new found self confidence, it was exhilarating, but as she was unsure of what to say, she stepped up and gently caressed his face, "I missed you and I am sorry for..."

The next minute she was engulfed in his arms and she sank into his embrace, no more words were needed. Minutes later he pulled back and breathed, "I love you Cynthia, I will always do."

She smiled, "I love you and I love me too...or rather I am trying to, at least I do not hate myself so much."

And in the brilliance of his smile, she realised that self confidence could turn addictive too, if it had him looking at her with that much love.

Word count 1497

This is my entry for prompt by the profile LY (Love Yourself), an ambassador-managed profile that strives to inspire you to love,forgive, and accept yourself. 

Prompt: "Tell us a story of a person's journey towards loving themselves. Write a short story telling us the obstacle,the problems, the hurdles one has to face in reaching the ultimate goal of loving one's own self. What it requires to love yourself, to believe in yourself and tell us the secret hidden behind accepting yourself."

The story had to be written in 750 to 1500 words.