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food & crushes

—

THE FIRST RULE of having a crush on someone was a fairly easy one: create as much safe distance between you and them as possible. This rule was created so that girls like me who didn't have their lives exactly put together would have some time to sort themselves out and figure out if they held true feelings or not before they ended up in a bigger mess than they started in.

​When I first realized my feelings for Brett, I had done the reasonable thing and gave myself some space before even talking to him or looking him in the eye again. Sure, our relationship hadn't ended so well — if by not ended so well, you mean careened into tumultuous waters and crashed in a fiery death — but what was good about it was definitely good.

​In Caleb's case, the distance part was pretty hard to get down since we lived in the same building, but I made it work to the best of my abilities. Clearly, it wasn't enough because my feelings for him had become a lot more complicated and strange ever since I had been pulled along into this madcap adventure I was on. I definitely needed more space still, and waking up in his apartment or hanging out with him on my balcony was not the solution to that problem.

​So tell me why I was doing the opposite of that by letting Teddy Burke take me out to breakfast before I went to work? Right after the conclusion of my feelings for him had come to my head. The easiest way to answer was that this food was free and that I never turned down free food. I hadn't turned it down with my high school English teacher after I graduated until I noticed his hand inching closer to my knee and knew this dinner wasn't just a congratulations for graduating with top honors. I hadn't turned it down when Brett's mother invited me over for dinner and to meet me for the first time, which coincidentally was three days after we had broken up and he had never gotten around to telling her. It only made sense that I found myself in this predicament.

​It was a nice place, too, a place downtown called Lane Street. We were sitting together outside at a table on the restaurant's outdoor deck, among other patrons whose lives didn't seem to be suffering from the same emotional turmoil that I was. Men and women were sitting together and conversing softly amongst each other, giving the appearance that this was nothing but a regular morning.

It seemed to be a regular morning for Teddy too, who was holding his menu up to his face so that only his eyes peeked out over it. And those eyes happened to be trained on me, like he was pretending to be a spy in one of the movies. I needed to create some distance between us — which included not finding every single weird thing he does to be endearing — but Teddy was a special case.

"What the hell are you doing," I asked, trying to stifle a laugh.

"Just observing you is all," he shrugged, lowering the menu. "You know, I never even took Violet here before, Lane Street has always been my place to have time to myself. It's just nice, you know, being here with you — with someone else."

I nodded, unsure of what else to do about that.

"Are you excited for the party at Selena's," he asked after a few minutes of silence passed.

I shook my head immediately after he finished that sentence. "No, definitely not. Just the thought of it terrifies me, Teddy."

He frowned in confusion, resting his chin on his hand. "Really? What about it scares you?"

"You're putting yourself into a dangerous situation while I'm just supposed to pretend that everything is fine at that party," I said in a low whisper before realizing how that sounded. Did I sound like a normal friend or like I was harboring feelings for him? What did that matter, he was in danger no matter how I felt about him. Get your head in the game, Marilyn.

"Aw, you care," Teddy teased, playing into my worst fear so casually. To add insult to injury, he reached out across the table and booped me on the nose like I was a child worried about my parent and not a woman with feelings for a man. "That's cute, but I'm not your average lawyer. I'm not just some big wig in a suit getting his Wall Street buddies off for corporate crimes or some crappy public defender who doesn't give his all for those who need him most. No, I'm more than that. I put myself on the line for others, I'm like a superhero."

I rolled my eyes. "How humble."

The dreamy look in his eyes that he had put on during his little speech back there had faded into a look of embarrassment. Which was very uncharacteristic of him.

"Sorry, I've just been practicing that for a while and it still didn't come out the way I meant for it to," he said, "but I do much more than your average lawyer, which is a shame because I still feel like I never do enough. Theo and I could've just lived off our trust all our lives, but we decided that we wanted to help people more than anything. Sure beat sitting on our asses, we're actually doing good in this world."

I leaned back in my seat. "And the Gates' case? You think this will bring about good?"

He nodded, leaning back as well. "They're about the most crooked people I've had brought before me. I think it would do plenty of good if Selena and George were behind bars."

If anything was enough to sober me up a little and soak up some of those feelings I had for him, it was Teddy's inability to see the bigger picture — or maybe just the smaller one. I believed that if George and Selena were complicit in any crimes, then they did deserve some form of karmic retribution, but what would happen to the kids? What would that inflict upon their family?

—

I WAS A bit upset to be dropped off by Teddy at the Gates' house. Mainly because in the long run, no matter how much distance you made for yourself, the whims of the world were a lot stronger and there was no guarantee that you could avoid them forever.

And I was partially upset by the fact that when the door of the Gates' household was opened, Selena stood before me with a broom in her hand and a scowl on her face.

"Any day now, Marilyn," she said, handing the broom to me before turning around and walking off into the foyer. "There's lots of work to be done today, especially if this party is to be half as good as Maura Pendleton's last year. Unluckily for you, I'll be expecting nothing short of twice as good."

I took that as my cue to follow her. Stepping into the main foyer, I could see that the house was nearly spotless, but of course, there was surely more work to be done. I clenched my fist around the cold plastic of the broom handle with a sigh.

Selena, who was making her way to the kitchen, turned back to face me with a look of confusion painted across her features. "Where's the little girl you had with you the other day?"

"Oh, Louisa," I said, scratching the back of my head in worry. Why was Selena concerned about Louisa when she barely batted an eyelash at her the first time she was here? I hoped to God that somehow that girl hadn't gotten herself into trouble. "She's just at home. Why do you ask?"

Selena chuckled, a lovely break from the stern front she had been holding up since I got here. "My boy's sweet on her, he's been asking if I could invite her to my dinner party. Normally, I'm a stickler with my guest lists because I'm friends with the most despicable yet desirable women, but I think I can make an exception if it's for the benefit of my son. So I'm wondering, can you make it happen? Tell her she can come to the party, just make sure she dresses nicely."

I nodded, standing up at attention when I realized I had been slouching the whole time. "I can make that happen, Mrs. Gates."

She nodded, sizing me up with her eyes before turning back around and heading into the kitchen.

—

LOUISA WAS THRILLED.

In fact, she was happy to have a golden opportunity to buy a new dress. The fact that Jacob had feelings for her was more of a shoulder shrug, which I'm guessing was her teenage defense mechanism for avoiding her emotions. It made me wish I was at an age where I could get away with doing that. No, I was hiding around the corner from my feelings, unable to let them in close no matter how close the boy in question was to me.

Thankfully, Teddy was nowhere to be seen at the moment. Louisa and I were strolling together through the shopping mall, an explosion of American flags as Independence Day drew nearer and nearer, advertising bargains and doorbusters at nearly every store. Massive price cuts of almost even forty percent loomed over our heads on signs that almost felt terrifying, as if imploring you to shop there.

For a girl with no set plans on the Fourth of July, I was glad that it was still June. The kids were nearing the end of school which made them easier to bargain with, and only public schools like Louisa's were out of session, so I didn't have to worry about the kids for most of the day. The twin sisters were switched last minute to handling their transportation to and from school, making my life a whole lot easier. Of course, the private school session was ending soon — they were held back later because of all the snow days they took in the winter months — and taking care of them would become a full-time job again. But I could worry about that later.

"Hey, Marilyn," Louisa said with a grin, snapping me out of my reverie. "This is the store I like."

The store in question was not particularly a gown store, but instead a contemporary fashion outlet that one would generally get their casual clothing. I, of course, had been here plenty of times before, so I knew they held dresses here. But I was more concerned that they wouldn't be fancy enough and Louisa would stick out like a sore thumb. Of course, there was a thirty-five percent storewide discount going on for the holiday season. So I had no qualms.

Louisa, who seemed to sense this, ran along inside the store with me trailing behind her. There were people everywhere, snatching outfits off of hangers and thrusting them against their bodies as if that would accurately show them how they'd look wearing it, or coming in and out of dressing rooms as they waited for their friends' stamps of approval. Of course, in the chaos, I had lost Luisa but I was sure that she was okay. She was a big girl who had a Gates' boy currently wrapped around her finger. I had plenty evidence to go off of that she could handle herself.

It was me who needed a little assistance every so often. And right now was one of those times because Caleb was standing in the men's aisle with a smile on his face as he stared at me. When he realized I was looking back at him, he raised his arm to wave at me. He still looked as adorable as the first and last time I had seen him, even if he was wearing a Christmas sweater in the middle of summer for some reason. The wool fabric of it still clung to his biceps and his chest, and his hair was messily tousled, giving the impression that he hadn't exactly took care of getting ready to head out.

"Marilyn," he said as he came closer with a light airiness to his voice that almost felt like I was being hugged by a cloud. "What are you doing here? Are you here for the big Independence Day sales? This is like the most underrated deals holiday, I'm glad to see someone else I know take advantage of it. I'm usually the only one."

I laughed — or at least I tried to, unsure of what else to do around him. After all, the last time I saw him was when I woke up in his apartment and thought I had been kidnapped. He seemed to have forgotten about that whole incident or at least had the decency not to rehash it. "How are you doing, Caleb?"

"I'm good," he said, scratching the back of his head. Somehow, he had become the nervous one which only made me even more nervous. Which must've been the only explanation for what I said to him next.

"Hey, do you want to go to this dinner party with me?"