A/n this has serious things in it and such don't read if you don't like suicide or etc. It is taken on Evan's POV. Thanks (it gets happier)

I felt numb over the weeks. The world seems to collapsed on my lungs, and I struggle my best to not let it get the worse of me, but it already seemed to.

I felt on edge at the last period of the day, as I absently listen to the teacher.
Rain outside calmed my wired up body and made me breathe fully in the corner of the room.

I felt alone in the same moment of peace. I felt like everything I touch crumbles down and rots slowly.

My mother has been having a stressful week and we fought against each other last night. Our voices tried to over power each other. My stuttering began to be worse as I yell back at the woman who raised me.

The shocking part was she qoute on qoute said, 'why can't you be normal for me once?! I can't take this anymore! You-you", and with a saying of sputtering anger, I gotten smack across the face.

I am so pissed at her for doing that and saying it, but also felt like I am not 'normal'.

I scratched at my arm till it went raw as my thoughts smothered me slowly.

When the bell rang, I slowly got up, miserable as ever, before I slunk my book bag on one of my shoulders, then to the other one.

I just didn't seem in the mood to talk. It wasn't just that fight. It is everything.

__________________

It seems as no one remembered me, not even my boyfriend.

Just what I need.

I shook my head as I heard in the distance of my name as I walked into the faint rain.

Too late.

I stared at my shoes as I walked to my house.

It felt refreshing to feel the cool rain hit some of my fair skin, as if it made the pain went away.

The aroma of fresh rain and a hint of tree bark filled my nostrils, making me smile faintly.
The only happy I got out of the past weeks.

________________

My somewhat muddy Converses stomped upon the concrete stairs that lead to my brick house.

I didn't even bother trying to clean my shoes off, I just opened the wooden door and quickly slamming it.

There I pulled my shoes off and lined them next to the metal shoe holder.

I had dumped my blue bookbag next to my shoes and slugged my way into the kitchen.

Everything stayed the same exept a different, colored sticky note on my fridge.

I'm sorry Evan. Twenty bucks are on the table, please eat. I'm a bit worried.

I shrugged at no one and left everything where it was.

I passed a mirror and saw myself. I had bags under my eyes from sleep deprivation. My hair looks noticeably uncombed and not treated well; as well as my shirt, wrinkle and haven't been changed for a few days.

"I look like hell." I said to myself before dragging my body upstairs.

I slammed my door before locking it.

Before you know, I blasted a song on repeat and layed on my soft bed that sunk in a bit at my presence.

I wanted to sleep with all my might, but I couldn't. It fully drove me nuts.

I fidget with the pillow case as I thought to myself. How I wanted to rot.

_________________

Ten minutes past as phone vibrated and rang, but my depression set in, and I didn't care at all.

But it seemed as I did when I felt salty tears drip down my soft skin. It was a matter of time before I wrapped my arms around my pillow and cried fully and harshfully.

I'm a fucking monster.

.......

I'm selfish

I don't deserve anything

Why

Can't

I

Be
Normal?
.....................................................

I heard heavy breathing and muffled yelling against my door.

"Go a-away! Go away! Go away!" I screamed over and over again with my hoarse voice.

A light shown and blinded me. I cover my ears from the person that was talking to me and rushing towards me.

I smothered the pillow in my face, muffling such things as, "go away", "let me rot", "I don't deserve to live!"

_______

Conner had made me stop flipping out. He had to fight me as I grabbed my depression pills that I hadn't taken.

"Evan..... why? You know I love-"

"No you don't! I-i-m a monster! I'm a fuck-up! I j-just not normal for anyone! " I hissed at him.

I sighed in fustration and anxiety.

We both sat on my bed, both having space from each other, but soon enough, Connor made the space dissapear as he moved closer.

He took both of my hands and looked directly at my eyes.

I looked away, uncomfortable from the eye contact.

"I like that your not normal. I love the small stuttering, I love how I can stay near you, knowing you won't judge me. I love that your smile and childish laughter makes everyone laugh too. You make your own world in your head and spread your creativity everywhere. Evan, you change people in ways through emotion and love. How my heart swoons how your face lights up going near nature..."

I looked down at my hands and saw he was making small circle rotation on my knuckles with his thumbs on both hands.

I looked at Connor's face as he closes his eyes and sighs, but as he opened them, I looked away.

"It kills me softly, truely, knowing this innocent, beautiful boy wants to rot away. You make me insane. I just want you to eat, smile, breathe, knowing that you are loved and handsome....why Evan? Why did you stop taking your pills? Why did you stop talking, smiling, or even eat? Or say those hurtful things to yourself?"

His voice has began to be a whisper as he finished.

"I want to be n-normal. I want- I am fat, no one would love me like this. It is so horrible to hear people whisper about you, not being gay, but being fat? I stopped taking my pills to be more 'normal'..... It was so bad to have bad insomnia all w-week! I been going insane, I-i am sorry!"

I grabbed his shirt and wrapped my arms around him. My words smeared as I apologise for being foolish.

________________

After bawling my eyes out, and saying a few things about my complicated thoughts on suicide and such, Connor whispered, "hey, uh, how about you take a shower and I'll order something. We can watch a movie or something."

He smiled gently as he got up and turned the radio down finally before giving me one last look.

I nodded as in a response because my throat was raw.

He walked to the door and hesitated to touch the cold, metal door knob.

He finally did and left with out a word of resurance that I would shower. He had faith and trust in me to not make a stupid move or so.

It made me smile.

I collected things such as sweatpants, a white shirt that was laying around, and etc.

___________________

I felt better. I felt more warm and comfortable. The water spattered on me and I felt it metaphorically washed some stress away.

I had took my time ; getting slowly dressed and finally presentable.

I looked myself in the mirror, my eyes were puffy and red. My eyes seemed sunken.

I put a wet face towel on my face for a few seconds before leaving the bathroom

I walked down the carpeted stairs, seeming to screech every step I took down.

The aroma of pizza filled my nostrils.

"Hey, come here Ev."

I walked over to the kitchen, then to the living room.

There he was, sitting in a fort he made with bed sheets and pillows.

Did I take that long?

I crawled in and giggled, "this is childish." I said but still smiled.

Connor wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into lap; My back faced him.

"Evan....uh, I forgive you. I just don't want you to fall in the hole I fell in."

He pulled his sleeve up to show scars along his wrist to his forearm.

I ran my finger gently up his arm.

"Don't say s-"

"Sorry."

I moved my body completely to face him.

He faintly smiled. "Hello there~"

That made me have my face burn as I punch him in the arm. We both laughed at each other before calming down.

I rubbed my thumb down his jaw-line before I quickly kissed him.

"Thank you. For real- I mean, you know, I-i am sorry. You do alot a-a-nd..."

I sighed, not knowing what to say or add.

He grinned at me. As he kissed my nose, he picked up a plate and handed me a glass plate with pizza slices in it.
____________

I hadn't ate for two weeks. So, Connor had to force me to eat or he will put on a horror movie.....pizza it is.
______________

The night made me feel better, more lifted and spirited.

Me not sleeping caught up with me as I nodded to stay awake at a moment.

"You are going take a day off and let me be here." Conner demanded.

Just like that, he dragged me upstairs.
_________________
I layed in my bed, warmed but alone. Connor had tucked me in and began to walk away. I instantly rose up.

"C-con! Your coming back r-right?"

He turned back, smiling, "do you want your mother to flip out on me because there is a mess down stairs?"
__________________

My anxiety had been raised as I waited for Connor.

When he finally came back, he had his shoes off and still was smiling.

He also began to take his hoodie off.

"Don't get ideas, just here", he gave me his hoodie. I think he was trying to calm my senses and not feel as alone.
__________

He laughed at how huge the clothing was on me before pulling me by the waist through seas of my bed sheets and cuddling with me.

Me and Connor babbled for a while intill my eyes fluttered to stay awake and my mind couldn't think of anything to say.

Connor kept going though

His voice got faint

As I fell asleep.