I love my friends, I really do.

I know I have problems.

Over the last few years, I've learned that missing school for no reason (essentially skipping) makes me feel guilty for no reason, even if the day is useless. I skipped the last day before winter break last year, and I just felt extremely guilty all day and it ate me up inside for the day.

I've also learned that being places we're not supposed to be makes me anxious af. Homecoming, I went and hung out with them, and we ended up at the park after sunset. The park usually closes at sunset, but the gate was still open so we went in. I was just really anxious and worried the entire time until we left.

So today, second to last day of Junior year, my friends all decide they wanna go get breakfast on the last day. I initially say no bc my mom had already offered me to stay home, but the idea of that was already eating at me. My friends make the group chat and throw me in, that's chill, they usually do even when they know I'm not going. But then I say something and get asked again. I say no again and get begged a bit. I stand my ground, they go on with planning.

They end up deciding on a location like 10 hours later. They talk about where it's at and I chime in saying I didn't realize it was close to where they said it was close to. Cue another time of asking and another round of no. Cue another round of begging, this time including (1) "live a little" (which, whatever) (2) "we just wanna spend time with you while we still have the chance" and (3) "if (friend's strict mom) is okay with it than you should be too"

(1) idk about tbh.

(2)Okay, but every time they try to it's always way out of my comfort zone to the point where I'm struggling to have a good time (and I do feel bad about those times in like middle school when it wasn't but I thought I was busy bc my parents said something but wasn't actually-)

(3)That's not how it works necessarily. People can be okay with different things and one still being stricter than the other.

I feel bad but at the same time I don't. We've been through similar situations enough before that I know that I'm not comfortable going through with this.

I wish I was comfortable with this a bit more.

:(

:(