It's been two weeks since everything went down and after day two I had to leave this apartment and resume my normal life. I'd contemplated staying in bed, but being woken every night from the same nightmare has prevented me from doing so. It all started the first night home, I figured it was just a dream, they happen, only as the week went on, they got worse. The first night I woke in a pool of sweat and by the third I was puking all night.

Ruby and Tink have been careful around me like they are walking on eggshells. I haven't had the courage to ask about Killian though every waking moment is pure torture thinking about him. The nights are the worst though because he's there too and this time one of us dies along with Peter, or Peter escapes.

Dad's been quiet, he's sent mom several times to check on me. I don't tell them about the nightmares, I don't need to burden them more than I already have. Life goes on, class and work and home. I never thought it was possible to live in such a fog. It's like I'm having an outer body experience and I'm watching my zombie driven self go through life numb. Even when I was grown up in the foster system and during my time with Neal and giving up Henry I never felt this way before.

Mr. Gold has been keeping his eye on me during class. He knows everything as does pretty much the entire school. The looks of pity haven't stopped and I'm wondering if they ever will. People are terrified to approach me, and If they do the look they give says it all.

It's Friday afternoon and Ruby and I are heading off campus for some lunch. My phone rings and every time it has for the past two weeks I feel like someone has knocked the air out of me. If I answer it my voice sounds breathy and hoarse. It's Regina, not a person I want to see on my caller ID.

"Hello?"

"Is this Emma?"

My voice really has changed, it must be from all the screaming at night. I swear sometimes Tink and Ruby take shifts to watch over me.

"It's me," I say horsley.

"Oh sorry, didn't sound like you. I was calling because Henry is asking for you. Would ice cream here at the house be okay?"

"All that matters is seeing him, I don't care where we are," I say.

Maybe seeing Henry will lessen the pain.

"Okay tomorrow at three," she says.

"I get off work at two, that's perfect."

With that she hangs up. Ruby looks over and smiles.

"Henry?" She asks, and I nod.

"That should help you take your mind off of things," she says.

As if someone heard that I had something to distract me we see Tink marching straight towards us. She's on a mission and for once I can't read her face. Good news or bad news either way it's not happy news. She stops in front of eyes, eyes glassy and I wait for it. There goes all my air again, I gasp.

"He's awake," she says.

After his surgery he was put under, the doctors were confident he'd wake on his own. I've walked by the hospital, driven past, even paced back and forth at the entrance, but I haven't gone in. I'm conflicted in a way I've never been before.

"That's amazing," Ruby says.

"He's asking for you," Tink says watching me closely.

If I thought the air had left my lungs before now it's worse. I try not to show them, but when my chest heaves and I begin to hyperventilate it's all out in the open. The image of him lying there on the floor in a pool full of blood makes the lunch in my stomach churn. If people hadn't stared at me before now they will. I can't catch my breath and I'm on my knees vomiting right in the middle of campus. In the midst of it all I hear Gold's voice telling everyone to back up and give me air.

Ten minutes later my father shows up with an EMT at his side. I barely register the oxygen mask being placed over my face as I'm brought over to a bench to relax. Dad watches me like a hawk as the EMT does his job and takes my vitals.

Once cleared dad gives his cop car keys to his partner and carefully puts me in the passenger seat of my own car, and instead I of the apartment he takes me to their loft, then helps me up into the small bedroom upstairs and tucks me into the soft cozy bed. I hear my parents talking as if I were a teenager going through something. I can hear their hushed tones and I'm beginning to feel like a burden in everyone's life, and there's only one thing to do when that feeling comes... RUN!

My phone rings and I have no idea what time or day it is. Regina's name pops up on the screen and when I look at the time I've already missed my time with Henry. Shit.

"Hello?" I answer, my voice groggy with sleep.

"Emma where the hell are you?" She hisses into my ear.

I pull the phone away a little.

"I overslept."

"Drinking again Ms. Swan?"

"No, for your information I..." I stop myself. "You know what Regina forget it, because I could explain everything to you until I'm blue in the face and you'd still look at me like I'm the spawn of Satan," I yell into the phone. "Nothing I do or say will ever be good enough for Henry. Maybe you're right, maybe I would make an awful mother and I'd disappoint the one person I should be there for always. In case you haven't noticed I'm trying, and I won't go into the sob story about why I've been MIA and why I've been sleeping a lot because it's none of your damn business! Go ahead take Henry from me, just know I won't stop fighting for my son."

I almost forget where I am and I'm positive that my parents are listening to every word, since there's no door up here.

"So go ahead and call me an unfit mother and all the other nasty things you think I am, but just know that I love my son with every fiber of my being, I always have," my voice cracks. "Henry is the only person in my life that looks at me in that way that says no matter what I'll love you for who you are. Regina you've done an amazing job raising him, he's turning out to be an amazing kid and someday he will do something great with his life and I thank you for that. I just want you to know that I do love my son and that if there's anyone in this world," a sob escapes. "Who will love me for who I am and not all the bad things I've done it's him."

Regina is silent, I think I've stunned her.

"All I want," I sniff. "All I want is to have a relationship with my son, I don't care if it's through hourly visits at your home or ice cream dates and sleepovers I just want to be in his life, he's the only thing keeping me going," I finish.

"How's tomorrow sound?" Regina says.

"Okay."

The line goes dead and I throw myself into the pillow and sob. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. My bed dips, and Ruby's fingers comb through my hair.

"Your parents thought I should be the one to comfort you, they didn't want to interfere," she says.

I nod as she lays down next to me stroking my hair calming me into another deep sleep.

I finally crawl out of bed around four in the morning, Ruby is still here and she's out cold next to me on the spare bed I've been sleeping on. Downstairs I see the light still on. Sitting at the island is my father eating a bowl of kix. I laugh and he turns his head.

"It's nice to hear your laugh," he says.

I finish descending the stairs and walk over to the yellow family sized box of kix. I make myself a bowl and sit down on the stool next to him.

"We're worried about you Emma, your shutting everyone out again," he says.

I take a spoonful and chew quietly.

"Pulling away means I can't get hurt," I say.

"What about hurting the ones that love you? Mom," he whispers looking over at her sleeping in the bed behind a small curtain used to separate the living area from the bedroom.

"She's hurting, she keeps blaming herself..."

"This is why I should leave, I've done nothing but cause you pain my whole life..."

"And you think leaving is the answer?"

"I know it's the answer."

I take another bite.

"What about Henry?"

"I can always visit."

"I thought you were gonna fight for him,"

"Maybe Regina is right maybe I'm not ready," I say.

"Emma darling look at me for a moment," he says.

I put the spoon down and look over at my father. I know I'm hurting him and I feel awful, but I just don't know what else to do to make this awful ache in my heart go away.

"Not many people are ready to be parents, we both know that from experience. It's okay to not be ready, you did the right thing and to have a relationship with your son from such a young age is a blessing. Don't take that for granted. Every day I wish your mother and I would have never given you up, I wish we would have done what you had, I wish we had that relationship with you. I know that when the time is right you will be a great mother. You just have to have a little faith," he says.

"Faith."

"Just think about it before you make any rash decisions."

Dad stands kissing me on the head.

"Love you Emma," he says.

"Love you too Dad."

I waited so long to hear someone tell me they loved me. When my parents first said I didn't believe it, now I do so much that it hurts, it hurts because I've already made up my mind.