Eric didn't come to sleep.

When I returned to the room, I prepared to sleep but not before having to throw away his plate that couldn't hold up all day. As I lay alone in the cold blankets, I felt bad, a strange sensation in my chest along with a terrible premonition, as if I had pressure on my lungs and breathing was difficult.

Although maybe he's in his old room, he still has the keys, a floor where I have no access since he never gave me a copy. I don't want to think badly, I hate feeling insecure about details that shouldn't matter so much.

I closed my eyes, and I only remember having slept for 4 hours. After that nightmare, I couldn't sleep anymore; I kept tossing and turning in bed, feeling the loneliness in my chest while I wondered what I was doing with my life, the danger I put myself in because of my stubbornness to prove my worth, and I put the noose around my neck.

Maybe I just needed to be with Eric, to remind me of what we have. My insecurities were driving me crazy.

I never thought I had that degree of emotional dependence on him until now. I need him, and it scares me.

At 6 o'clock, I got up tired and took a shower, dried my hair, and put on a sporty outfit, leaving my gun and knives behind. Today, I didn't plan on using them, and I still wasn't sure why. I left the room with Horus following me, he followed me through a couple of corridors and then veered off to the one leading to the kitchen. He's too spoiled by everyone there.

I entered the training room lazily, my eyes heavy, and the urge to sleep all day invading me. Today, I wanted to sleep until Eric arrived. But I couldn't. I forced myself to approach the other side of the section where the initiates trained. I would be there until I almost faded while waiting for my initiates.

As I crossed the fence, I noticed the presence of a guy, Uriah, who was hitting the punching bag with force, although his combinations were not coherent, and his leg positions were not correct, so the strength decreased. I didn't talk to him, I passed by him to the weightlifting section, where with a groan of laziness, I started stretching and warming up to avoid pulling a muscle.

I loaded the bar with weights, lying down and lifting it with effort. One after another, I stopped counting at 15 when I only focused on my strength, pressing my lips together to clench my teeth and control the balance of the bar. I had no limit, just as far as I could go, and I achieved it while trying to disconnect from reality.

My problem was that I kept wandering in my thoughts about Eric and his whereabouts. I had a slight sense of guilt because I hadn't seen him all day, and if there were constant disappearances before, I feared they might reoccur. But I also had a slight feeling of pain because I believed he only wanted to avoid me because of his work since something big was coming, I knew it. And he knew I would try to find out.

There came a moment when my strength gave out, I was halfway there with my arms trembling, trying to make more effort, but I couldn't. My chest started to hurt from the shallow breathing I was having, and I had a slight fear that the bar, weighing at least my equivalent weight, would fall on me.

I closed my eyes, breathed normally, and mentally prepared myself for just one more effort. However, two arms under my elbows helped me complete it, making the bar return. I opened my eyes to see Uriah behind me, kneeling.

I stood up and turned to give him a smile. "Thanks." I nodded.

"No problem, it's amazing, 65kg, you did at least 37 or 40 reps. You have a lot of endurance. I need tips."

I chuckled. "What are you doing here? It's barely 6:30." I asked.

I stood up, and Uriah handed me a water bottle. I took it with a smile, that initiate is such a sweetheart.

"Yesterday, you motivated me and showed me that I can achieve the impossible. I don't care about being the first, I just want to be an excellent Dauntless." he said.

I chuckled. "In the hypothetical case where you end up in first place, would you accept being a leader?"

He looked away, debating his answer. He was taking my question very seriously.

"My brother Zeke didn't get first place, he was looking for it but couldn't. Despite that, he's considered a hero in my family, and they only compare me to him. Zeke tells me I shouldn't listen to them, but it's difficult. I don't like it." he sighed. "I'm angry with them, and I don't know if I should exceed their expectations or ruin them."

"No, surpass your own expectations, Uriah, screw the family." I scoffed. "And once you surpass yourself, keep doing it. In the end, you choose if you want to be a leader."

"But I'm not guaranteed that. One of the transfers could be even better than me or any of us. God, look at you, you beat Mike to a pulp, everyone keeps talking about it." he spoke with fascination, as if it were a dream. His eyes reflected excitement with that sparkle, and I felt flattered by the praise.

I chuckled, looking down, and took a step closer to see him more closely. I lifted my gaze with a smile.

"For your own good, you or any of the born initiates will end up in first place at the end of the two stages, Uriah. I won't lose my bet with Four, clear?"

He blinked, perplexed, looking at me. "You... You made a bet with Four?" he furrowed his brow, letting out a laugh.

"Yes, I won't let him tell me I'm a bad trainer, so you or any of you will get first place." I said.

"You're a good trainer, Grace." he confirmed with a smile.

The warm feeling in my chest made me smile at him again, showing him a genuine smile. I know I'm wrong, I know I shouldn't get attached, but maybe he's the exception. After all, there's a slight chance he might be Divergent.

From a distance, I noticed a silhouette, walking with two others trailing behind him. I squinted to focus and was surprised to see that it was Max walking through the training room. He didn't even bother to turn around, he seemed hurried, and a wave of adrenaline washed over me at the thought of Eric.

"Keep training, Uriah. You can eat later. I have to go." I muttered without looking at him.

I started running towards them with the sole purpose of finding out Eric's whereabouts. It was completely illogical. Eric had told me that Max was in Erudite and would be heading there with Jina. That was yesterday, and Jina never showed up, but now Max was here in Dauntless, except for my blond.

When I was a few meters away, they noticed my presence, and Max stopped to see who was approaching. Upon seeing me, he made a grimace, apparently trying to smile.

"Grace, long time no see. How's training the initiates?" he asked, crossing his arms.

"It's enjoyable to make them suffer." I replied quickly, shrugging. "But Max, where's Eric? He hasn't shown up since yesterday after you sent him to Erudite."

He exhaled, avoiding my gaze, debating what to tell me, and that's when I knew something was wrong.

"He's still in Erudite. He's fine, Grace. Jeanine suggested he spend the night there. I can't give you more details." he finished, speaking with a blank expression.

It annoyed me, I hated seeing his attitude. I had stopped being Max's favorite leader, I lost his proud gaze, and all after I had threatened him to keep Freya safe.

"What are you talking about? You promoted me yourself. I have the right to know more about the new project with Jeanine." I said, crossing my arms.

"From the moment Eric informed us of your desire not to participate in the project, you lost jurisdiction over him. You still have your position, no one is taking it away from you. But you can't go back to where you once were. It's not... professional."he smiled more out of courtesy, but he seemed annoyed. "I have to go. See you later, Grace."

He turned on his heels, and along with the two guards who always accompanied him, they left the training room.

I'm tired of the lies and secrets.

I never told Eric I didn't want to participate.

Guilt eats away at me, and anger fills me. I hate this, I hate myself for not having that professionalism, for seeing them as mere bugs that I can avoid, and now for doing so, I no longer have the power to listen to them, and Eric has the power to deceive me and evade the truth.

***********************************

I couldn't handle the exhaustion, halfway through the weapons, Mike insisted I go and sleep. I had a terrible look of fatigue that I couldn't understand.

I collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes, remembering sleeping for hours while scolding myself for not sleeping at night, affecting my day.

I woke up starving, so I got up and ordered food. It was 6 in the evening, and I was eating at the kitchen island with an overwhelming mood, I couldn't even stand myself. The kitchen gave me dessert, a slice of chocolate cake, but I couldn't handle it anymore, I was exhausted, and I didn't feel like eating it, so I stored it in the refrigerator.

I was about to go back to bed when the doorbell rang. I walked lazily and opened it, reflecting my grouchy face, letting whoever it was know I wasn't in the mood.

"Well, Mike's right, you look terrible." Four affirmed from the other side of the door.

"What do you want?" I asked.

He took a step forward and placed his hand on my forehead and cheeks. "I thought you were sick, came to see if you had a fever, but no." he murmured.

I removed his hand and stepped aside to let him in.

"I'm not sick, just didn't sleep well, never do, and my body is catching up." I shrugged, closing the door.

Four walked over to my refrigerator, feeling like he owned it as if it were the most common thing for us.

"Your place is nice." he complimented, taking out a beer. He opened it and took a sip. "Raphael misses you, says he hasn't seen you in months."

"I stopped being sociable, Four." I replied.

"Want one?" He offered me a beer, well, one of my beers.

"No, I'm still sleepy." I sat down on the kitchen island.

He raised an eyebrow in surprise from the other side. "Again? From the marks on your cheek, I can deduce you slept all day. Where's your boyfriend Eric?"

I rolled my eyes, rubbing my face with both hands in annoyance, letting out a groan from the depths of my throat.

"I don't know." I grimaced.

"Uh, trouble?" he murmured.

"I think he's in Erudite." I replied.

"Want some advice? Stop thinking about that. Want something more interesting? Here."he handed me an oval-shaped glass jar with a yellowish liquid.

"What's this?" I whispered, taking the jar.

"That's exactly what I was going to ask you. Erudite dropped this off this morning. It's just a box. I overheard very little, but what I understood is that it's a simulation serum. At first, I thought it was for the fear landscape."

"Impossible, before the elections, they supplied us with serum for that stage. We have plenty." I said.

"I know, that's why I'm showing you this. I need you to investigate. I'll do it too, but you have access to the leaders." he explained.

I looked at the glass jar, noticing a carved name "X-po98." and grimaced.

"I'm not very well-liked among them anymore, but I'll see what I can do." I sighed. "Take it, if Eric sees it, I'm dead."

He took it with a nod. "You know what's funny? Knowing that a divergent is dating a leader who hunts divergents. You've beaten the system."

I chuckled. "Yeah, when I think about it, I usually have a crisis. Sometimes I have the feeling that he already knows and he'll kill me anytime."

"He won't. Since you've been in his life, I've never seen him smile like that." he said with confidence. "In case he does know, he wouldn't hurt you himself, he'd send someone else to do it." he shrugged as if it were obvious.

"You don't know him. Once you see the other side of the leaders, it's... ugly. It's not the same anymore. There isn't a day I don't think about watching my back." I replied.

He gave a knowing smile and nodded. "I told you, being a leader isn't everything." he took another sip of his beer. "I'll keep this. Thanks, see you later." he headed for the door and closed it behind him, indicating that his purpose was to show me that serum. He expects me to investigate and inform him because anything new from Erudite could mean trouble.

The problem is, my curiosity outweighs my willpower, especially if Eric disappeared, and months ago, I found out that Erudite wants to overthrow the government.

What if this serum has something to do with Jeanine's project and Abnegation?

But what good would a serum do in overthrowing the government?

*******************************

Today wasn't a highly productive day. But I don't have a guilty conscience about that. I fell asleep again, this time putting on pajamas and brushing my teeth. I dropped into Morpheus's arms as soon as I touched the bed with the only thought on my mind:

"I hope Eric is okay."

In my dreams, I remember the door opening and my cat getting up on the bed, but I was so deep in my sleep that I lost consciousness again. It felt like an eternity passed when I felt the bed sink again and a gentle caress on my cheek. I opened my eyes to feel his cold hands. The room was dark, and as I tried to focus my vision, he lay down beside me, letting me see his face.

"Eric." I whispered. I heard the chattering of his teeth as an arm went under my neck, pulling me towards him. I reached up to his cheek, feeling the sweat on his face and the elevated temperature. I pulled away from him to turn and switch on the bedside lamp.

Eric returned to my arms, but it wasn't the same Eric I had seen so many times before, his eyes half-closed, sweat on his face, purple and red circles under his eyes, and to top it off, his lips were blue.

"What happened to you?" I asked, scared, while with the little strength he had left, he tried to draw me closer to him.

"Shh." he whispered. "I'm okay, just hold me." he requested, holding me by the waist.

"I have to take you to the infirmary, Eric. This looks like hypothermia." I said, alarmed, especially by the irregularity of his breathing.

Apparently, he had taken off his boots, vest, and weapons, which was terrible.

He shook his head, insisting again. "I'll be fine, tomorrow I'll be fine. Just hold me." he murmured, taking my nape so I couldn't escape.

I shook my head with a grimace. "Eric, please."

His blue eyes pleaded with me. He was so vulnerable, and I hated seeing him like this. He wasn't the bold guy I fell in love with.

"Erudite will heal me, tomorrow I'll be fine." he tangled his fingers in my scalp, pulling me closer to him. "Just stay here."

I nodded silently, agreeing to wrap myself in his arms this time, feeling him lying down and holding me tightly as if I could disappear. My heart sank, the urge to yell at him disappeared as I hugged him with concern, feeling his temperature was too high and his slight shivering.

I brought the blanket I was wrapped in closer, he understood and let me go so I could cover him. We embraced again as if it were the end of the world. I didn't need to interrogate him about his disappearance; I just wanted to hug him, hoping his pain would seep into me. If possible, I would let his pain be my pain just to see him happy.

I listened to him breathe deeply, peacefully, as if this moment were something unique, and it was, but I couldn't help feeling a great pressure in my chest.

"I missed you." he murmured, kissing the top of my head, deepening the hug.

"Me too." I whispered against his chest.

***********************

I opened my eyes, finding myself staring at the white ceiling, with several sunbeams shining through, indicating that it had just dawned. As I woke up, I could feel Eric's face against my neck and collarbone, holding me around the waist as I reciprocated the embrace. Even while asleep, I reacted to his embrace.

I touched his cheeks, confirming his condition, and indeed, he had no fever, and the sweat was gone; his hands were warm. I moved away from him a bit, his lips had their natural color back, and his dark circles were gradually fading. He was right, he would be fine the next day.

"I told you." he murmured drowsily. "I'm fine." he frowned at the brightness of the light.

"Will you tell me what happened?" I asked.

"No, not today." he still didn't open his eyes. "You have to train those initiates, go and let me sleep."

"Do you really think I'll allow you to stay here alone?" I demanded an answer. "What did Erudite do to you?" I asked indignantly.

He half-opened his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes I loved so much.

"I volunteered as a lab rat." he murmured bitterly, apparently remembering. "There was a malfunction, it went wrong, and I remained interned in Erudite. I would have stayed there for a few more days if I hadn't escaped the moment I regained consciousness."

I opened my eyes in surprise. The drowsiness had dissipated, replaced by annoyance, anger, and resentment. Why would he hide something like this from me?

"You? Eric Coulter, the one who refused the Truth serum, allowed himself to be used as a lab rat in Erudite? Really?"

He chuckled and closed his eyes again. "I didn't have many options." he sighed. "Go, train those idiots."

I stroked his tousled hair. I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay here and hold him.

"I know you lied to me. Jina didn't go with you, and I hated you all afternoon. When you didn't come to sleep, I thought you were at your apartment, I thought..." I let the words hang in the air, shaking my head with a grimace. "I never thought you were in serious trouble."

"I knew you weren't that foolish." he smiled. "You wouldn't let me go, Grace. I had to tell you."

"Why?" I asked.

"I knew this would happen, and if you had come with me, the same thing would have happened to you." he adjusted himself to lean on the mattress, taking my cheek with his hand. "Don't ask me, you don't want to know the answer. Now go, I promise when you come back, I'll still be here." He pulled me into a kiss.

Something big was happening, something bigger than Eric, who usually has enough power to come out unscathed. Now, someone is overpowering him, and I can't allow them to hurt him.