The Funeral - Emerson's POV

Sitting inside the church, Conor's open casket standing pride of place in front of us, a beautiful array of peonies decorating the surrounding areas, there is no avoiding the somber mood that accompanies us today.  The room is filled, every man, woman and child wanting to pay their respects to such a wonderful man.

It's been five days since Conor's final moments, five long painful days.  I've lost count of the times I've cried, the number of times my tears have dried up, all while hiding my grief from Arden.  Why? Because Arden isn't coping.  My strong, beautiful and brave man is grieving so hard, he's lost himself in the process.  It's not that I don't understand because I do, I just wish I knew how to ease his pain, calm his storm.

Whatever it takes, I will be here.  I will give him the space he wants, but the shelter he deserves and the comfort he needs.  I will be anything and everything his heart desires to bring him back from this loss.

As I listen to the pastor reading some chosen scripture in their native tongue, I feel the tears rise up again, memories of the hours spent next to his hospital bed, learning the basics of Irish, failing at more than most attempts.  Sam, having traveled over to attend the funeral along with Abigail, reached over and gave my left hand a squeeze, offering a reassuring smile.  I'm so glad they came, just having them near gives me more strength to do the things that need to be done.

"Are you sure you want to do this, baby girl?" Sam whispered, a look of concern plastered on his face.

"Yes" was all I could muster.  There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to go through with this, however it didn't stop me from feeling nauseous.  I look up to the pastor who is now looking in my direction, giving me a gentle nod as indication he will be about to introduce.

I take Arden's hand in my own, lifting it to my lips for a gentle kiss.  He slowly looks my way, his eyes glassy and empty.  He looks curious and confused as I whisper that I love him, before standing and making my way towards to the pastor.

"Now family, friends, it is customary to have a musical number now, however this young lady approached me and has prepared a special musical number.  I will leave you in her hands for a time." He stepped away from the microphone and allowed me to further my introductions.

"Umm hi, I guess I should introduce myself properly as many of you won't know me.  My name is Emerson Roy, I have had the great honour of being a part of this amazing family thanks to my relationship with Arden, Conor's son.  I haven't had a great deal of time to get to know Conor, but lord knows he has etched his way onto my heart in the short time we had."  I pause to wipe the tears from my face, as I try to find the right words.

"I ahhhhh, I'm sorry.  This is harder than I had planned.  Conor, he had a way about him, it made you want to be open, honest.  It made you want to be true to yourself, to be stronger, to live life as you know you should.  He loved with reckless abandon, his true passion being his family.  A family he so openly welcomed me into when I have no family to call my own anymore.  The imprint he leaves behind on my life is immeasurable and it's one I will truly treasure."

The tears on my cheeks are now constant and I see Abi and Sam make a move to be by my side, but I signal them to stay put, dabbing the tears from my face.

"I'm not good with words, my choice of communication comes in an entirely different form.  This was something Conor knew about me from the moment we met.  His last last words of wisdom to me referenced this, so to honor him, I have prepared a performance.  Thank you to Siobhan for allowing me this privilege and also to the local choir who agreed to perform with me.  This one is for you Conor."

https://youtu.be/HCjw8rXLfvw

Slipping my footwear off and moving to the staged area we'd pre-planned, I continue to dry my eyes as I await the young ladies to take their places.  I've never been great with death, with sadness or loss, but Conor had shown me love, kindness and support and this was the only way I could think of, to show him what it had meant to me.  I didn't plan to dance for the attention, for the spotlight or for gain.  I danced for it made me feel connected to him in that moment.  It was a simple contemporary number, accompanied by some local dancers, but it was enough to speak in my own language.  The local choir had agreed to perform, their own version of Adele's Hello, singing in their native tongue making it that much more special.

This has truly been one of the most heartfelt, but agonizing performances I will ever have performed, my heart breaking as I sweep my body across the floor, my face now a mess of tears and running mascara.  As I come to a close, I feel my legs begin to become unstable, my hidden emotions from the week threatening to take hold of me in my weakened state, until I feel a familiar set of arms wrap around me, pulling me close into his chest, a chest which is rising and falling with every soft sob he releases.  This is the first time since that night that he's cried.  This is the first time since that night that he's held me like his life depended on it.  I hold him close, my darling Arden being the lifeline I so desire at this moment too.

Arden's POV

Watching Emerson dance, a secret she'd maintained well, I feel my heart begin to beat again.  I feel like a fucking prick, she's been reaching out to me all week and I've barely spoke two words to her.  It's easy to think that your pain is hurting worse than others, that your loss is greater.  Papa was the greatest man I ever knew, probably will ever know.  As far as male role models go, Tomas and I couldn't have asked for more and as I watch my beautiful Emerson as she lays her heart bare for all, he clearly made a great role model for others too.  I've spent the past five days trying to work out how I am supposed to continue without Papa, without his wise words of advise, his guidance, when all along the answer has been sleeping in bed right next to me.

She is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out, it's no wonder Papa had chosen to nurture her like he did.  She's pouring her heart out to us right now and all I can focus on is how much I need to be the one to wipe away those tears.  Seeing her legs begin to shake as she finishes up, I take the opportunity to rush to my girl, wrapping her in my arms, pulling her to my chest as I feel the overflow of tears break the fucking barrier.  I guide her back to our seat only to be met by Mum and Tomas, Mum instantly grabbing Ems for a tight hug.

"Oh you sweet, sweet angel," Mum cried over and over, "he loved you, I hope you know darling.  He's here watching, he saw that and he loves you"

A deathly silence washes over the room as the choir leaves the room, now leaving only the soft sobbing of Mum and Emerson.  The pastor had returned to invite others to the stage to share their fond memories or kind words.  I sit us back, bundling Emerson into my arms as we listen to each story.  Her eyes have dried, but the crying has left swollen red puffy bags under them... how had I missed how much she was hurting too.  I'm an idiot really, the last death she experienced was her own mother. Fuck, she has put me first all dam week and I sulked like a child not even considering the pain others were hiding.

Take Jillian, for example, who has known papa for more years than she'd care to admit too.  There she is standing up there next to Tomas, giving him strength as he recounts all their whiskey antics, the many times Papa would have to pick their drunk asses up, especially once Jill had gotten into some heated arguments resulting in them being tossed out for the night.  Papa would receive the call and simply turn up, no questions asked.  In fact, on more than one occasion he offered to help Jill to practice working on her right hook!!  It's evident now I pay more attention how much this goodbye is killing her, yet we've taken it for granted because she's stood by, hiding it, for us.

Ashling, our baby sister who hasn't had nearly enough time with him, huddled again Mum as she hears every recount of his adventures.  She hasn't hidden her pain, but have we attempted to ease the pain for her.  Have I been the big brother she needs?  I don't think so.

It's nearing the end of the service, Mum is heading up to say her eulogy, then we will form the procession, carrying Papa to his final resting place.

"Arden" Emerson's voice comes as a hoarse whisper.

"Yes, love?" I query her quietly.

"Go." she waved her hand towards Mum, "she needs you now."

"What about you love?" still not convinced she's handling things.

"I'm fine, I have Sam and Abi, please Arden, your mother needs you more than ever," kissing my cheek, she gives me a gentle push and I walk to my mother's side in support as she makes her speech.

"Oh Conor...... you had to break your promise didn't you" she sighed, gazing at his casket, love and tears filling her eyes, "You see, once Conor finally came to his senses and started dating me, he promised to never leave my side.  He had done such a good job till now, but I guess all gifts come to an end.  That is what my Conor was, bronntanas ó Dhia (a gift from God).  No one person should have been so perfect, but that is what he was to me.  Perfect.  He treated me with so much respect, so much love and he gave me the best life I could have asked for.  I have no complaints, well other than losing him now.  He blessed me with two handsome sons and a beautiful daughter.  They were his life, our life, our pride and joy, one I intend to continue to nurture with all my heart now he's lost to us. Jillian, Emerson, our darlings, you two brought him a new kind of love, a fresh excitement for the future, he wanted you to know that you'll always have a place in our family and in our hearts. Arden, Tomas and Ashling, though I know you will grieve, also know that you father held no regrets, every action taken in our lives brought us closer to the future we created with you.  Don't less this loss stop you from making your own dreams come true, Conor wouldn't want that, he'd want you to make the most of now as we don't know for how long we might have it.  To you my love, my life, my dearest Conor, beidh grá agam duit, I gcónaí agus go deo."

She stepped back, shaking to the core as her grief washed over her, folding herself into the open arms myself and Tomas held out for her, Ashling running to join us.  Standing together, next to Papa we shed our tears, our pain, together as the unit he created.  Minutes passed in silence, waiting for us to make our move.

The sounds of Lindsey Stirling playing Hallelujah rung out over the church, indicating it was our time to take our positions alongside his coffin.  It was to be Tomas and I at the front, Malachi and our local cousin Declan, then Papa's younger brothers, Cillian and Carrick, at the end.  Jillian and Emerson plan to walk down closely behind, along with Mum and Ashling, followed by the rest of our family and friends.  Papa is to be buried in the church graveyard, so the walk isn't long, however it is taxing in emotion and heavy with despair.  It's a walk I could not rejoice in, one I hope not to have to make again anytime soon.

https://youtu.be/5VzprYCxPBQ

"It is with love and respect that we lay Conor Quinn to his final rest.  May he spend an eternity knowing that he was loved, those whose lives he touched are richer for having known him, are stronger for having had his support and wiser for having had his advice.  As we look forward onto desolate horizons, let us fear not, for he lives on inside each and every one of you.  Until we meet again, Conor Quinn"

Author's Note: Sorry this one was short and that we've been on a downer with these past couple of chapters, but I promise it's time to move forward!! Not many chapters left!!!