chapter two

. . .

❝it's really hard for me to say just how i feel

i'm scared that i'll get thrown away like a banana peel❞

. . .

jeremy's pov

. . .

"bye jeremy, love you." my dad says.

yeah right, talk to me when you're sober for more than twenty-four hours, and wear pants, "bye dad."

i start walking— headed towards school. usually it takes about a half an hour to get there. i could technically drive there, as i have my license, and it would only take around 10 minutes, but i'd rather walk.

i like walking, and i like walking alone. it's the only time i have to myself. the only time i don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not. i don't have to fake being okay, or happy, or anything of the sort, because it's just me (also it saves the planet or whatever).

it keeps me sane, this menial walk to school (and, of course, the walk back).

at school i'm jeremy heere; the semi-attractive kid who hangs out with the popular "assholes" (who aren't really if you get to know them). who everyone is either too scared to fuck with because of his friends, thinks he too is an asshole like his "friends", or has a soft spot for because he's apparently a baby who hasn't been ruined yet and needs to stay like that (yeah right). who's single and has always been even though a bunch of girls like him (probably only to gain social status and be on the squad's good side).

at home i'm jeremy heere; the kid who practically takes care of himself. who cooks, and cleans, and takes care of his 24/7 drunk father who "works from home". who has a summer job at a local ice cream shop, so he can actually have stuff for himself, as his dad does the bare minimum for him. and he is okay with all of this. he still is happy and okay and shit. 

when i'm alone?

well, when i'm alone i'm jeremy heere; a boy who doesn't enjoy being popular. who doesn't like the drama, or the crowds of people surrounding him, the amount of people legitimately scares him. who just wants to be left alone most of the time. a boy who feels responsible for his parents' divorce, his mother's death a couple months after (she was coming to pick me up from my dad's house and got into an accident), and his father's drinking problems. a boy who's constantly considering ending his life. a boy who pretends he's fine with everything life has thrown at him, but really isn't. a boy who needs help but doesn't want to take off this mask he's had on, for fear of everything changing. 

and this walk is pretty much the only time i have to myself, to just process my actual life. not the fake ones that i have with these fake people who have stolen my identity, and will continue doing so until i can, or if i can, overcome their hold on me.

time passes faster, as i get trapped in my thoughts, and sooner than i would like i'm at school. sooner than i would like, i'm greeting my so-called "friends".  sooner than i would like, i put on my happy little mask. 

rich walks up to me first, greeting me with that little handshake all the 'cool' kids do, "yo wassup tall ass?"

"sup rich, how're you?" i smile that fake toothy grin that people believe is my genuine smile.

"i'm pretty damn chill right now," he looks me in the eyes, smirks, raises his eyebrows and continues on, "yo, there's gonna be this party. friday. dustin's house. you should totally come, man, it's gonna be lit as fuck. plus, christine's gonna be thereeee~"

i look down at his feet. he's probably gonna assume something's wrong with me if i don't go, as i've already made up excuses to not go to the last two parties of this month. but i really don't want to go. i also really don't wanna be home either. i just wanna be alone. people scare the living shit outta me (especially teenagers). 

oh, and about the whole christine bit. christine's this girl that, according to everyone else, i am "undoubtedly crushing hard on her". i used to try and deny it, but at this point it's just become another thing i've accepted that's apart of the whole facade i put on in school. i mean, she is pretty and all, but i'd never date her. if i'm gonna date someone, they need to be able to break down these walls that i've put up. they have to be able to take things seriously. i need to be able to have deep, meaningful conversations with them. and no offense to christine, she's a little too childish for my liking. 

besides, i think i, um, don't like girls as much as everyone thinks i do.

"uhh, sure i'll go. what time's it start?" i say very, very reluctantly.

"starts at 8, ends whenever you leave, or black out." he laughs a little as his phone gets a notification and he blushes, "hey, i gotta go. jake wants me. see you later, tall ass."

"see ya"

it's not that i feel uncomfortable coming out to people because i'm scared of rejection. it's pretty damn obvious rich and jake have a thing going on behind closed doors (well, as "behind closed doors" as making out in the middle of the boys locker room gets. they do everything couples do, but they're not official and don't say they love each other. i think it's probably because of the lovely ~⋆⁑✯𝓯𝓮𝓪𝓻 𝓸𝓯 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓶𝓲𝓽𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽✯⁑⋆~).  it's just that i don't wanna be wrong, i don't wanna come out as whatever i am, and not be right about it. i don't want to come out as bi, give girls hope, and end up being gay. and i don't wanna come out as gay and be wrong about that either. plus, i'm not really into labels. and on top of that, i don't really look gay? if that makes sense? it's just become apart of this lil persona that i made for myself. i'm a straight dude who's apparently crushing hard on christine canigula. i don't even know anymore.

after greeting a few other people, i head to homeroom. there's a substitute today.

he starts calling out names and i kind of zone out until i hear my name.

"jeremiah heere?"

"present" i say in a 'cool' way. 

when i first got here i used to be teased for having the last name 'heere', but since i joined the aggressively-protective-over-me popular kid group, people are scared to say anything.

a couple names go by and then i hear the name that is pretty much only called when there's a sub, "michael mell?"

"not here," we all collectively say.

"wonder what the druggie's been doin' lately," some random girl teases.

"last time i checked, he ODed and one of his veins collapsed."

"i heard he killed himself."

"it's not like anyone would attend his funeral besides his imaginary friends. fucking psycho."

i turn around to the group of people talking obnoxiously loud about the poor kid, "can y'all shut the fuck up? seriously, get a life and some hobbies other than talking shit about people you don't even know. it's really fucking pathetic and's not gonna get you anywhere in life besides being a minimum-wage working karen, single for obvious reasons, with 3 accidents who all have different fathers, drinking your starbucks and wondering how life got this bad."

i feel for michael. he gets bullied for things he can't control. well, he can control the drug thing, but people mostly make fun of him for his schizophrenia. and that doesn't seem to be a very easy mental illness to deal with. people make his suffering worse. and honestly, i don't blame him for skipping school and doing drugs. if people treated me this way, i probably would too.

they all looked stunned and offended by that last bit i said, until one rolled her eyes and said "listen, jeremy, just be grateful we're not talking about you. and the only reason for that is because of your friends. you're nothing but a pathetic dweeb without them."

"hun, this ain't a fight. just shut up. i have more important things to do than waste my energy on this bullshit. there's a reason i don't hang out with girls. goddamn."

i turn back around and sigh as the bell rings.

. . .

a/n: lol i want 2000s avril lavigne's wardrobe

anyways, please comment and all that jazz, it helps me get motivation to keep writing and shows that people actually read this shit lol