CHAPTER 17

It's funny how the death of a loved one can put everything on hold. Drew was just ending his gap-year, and was set to attend University in a week or so, and for the other two, it was time for that period in their lives to begin. They had to go to school, and honestly it was a bittersweet experience. Rose was supposed to be there, tying Aubella's hair into two cutesy little ponytails, with adorable little bows in them. But she was gone, she was no longer with us and I had to keep running ahead as if I'm not affected at all. The night before the big day, I was preparing some things for the school, getting my information in order since they were considering hiring me as a choir instructor, which Drew found very entertaining. I had my ear buds in, and I almost didn't hear Aubella when she ran in screaming about something. When she realized I was not on the same planet as her, she smacked the computer closed in my face, which caused me to remove the ear buds, and gaze up at her, just a bit annoyed.

"Bells, why'd you do that?" I sighed; she was frantic for some reason.

"Daddy, daddy come quick! It's Jude-y, there's something wrong!" She exclaimed, and I was up – running towards their room. Jude was sitting on his bed, struggling to breathe, crying his little eyes out. I speculated it would happen, since it happened to me as well when Sylvester died. I had the biggest panic attack of my life, not only because he died, but also because I had to keep going on with my life. And I think that's what caused Jude's outbreak, he wanted to cry about Rose's passing for an eternity, but he was smart enough to realize that he had to keep going. Anyway it was happening, he was struggling to breathe immensely, his sobs coming out as broken little gasps for air.

"Jude- whoa, okay, Jude. Breathe, please. Come on, just breathe for a bit." I said, trying to help him not turn blue from oxygen-loss. And he tried, breathed in, breathed out, breathed in, and breathed out again. Until the only noises were the soft whimpers escaping his lips as he cried. As soon as he could breathe again, he dived for me and I could just hold him there, not quite knowing what to say.

"All right, what's up?" I said, when he calmed down a bit. He looked up to me, and didn't speak for a while.

"S-so- sad." He stuttered out.

Sighing, I replied, "I know, Jude. I know. I'm sad too."

"Why did she have to die!" He exclaimed out of the blue, he balled his hands into little fists and tried to bang them against my chest. I took his smaller ones in my hands, and stopped them before they collided roughly against my body once more.

"Violence isn't going to help you feel better, why don't you channel this anger into something you're good at?" I suggested, and he looked up at me with his foresty eyes, wide as dinner plates.

"Like what?" He asked, breaking the gaze and ripping free from my grip.

"Music." I said.

"Doesn't work. I can't feel it anyway." He shrugged, folding his arms, and scooting away from me.

"Jude, isolating yourself from everyone isn't going to do you any good. You act like you're the only one who lost someone they loved dearly." I said.

"It's different." He muttered lowly.

"How?" I asked.

"You're an adult." He answered, not looking at me.

"Doesn't mean I don't have feelings." With that he was sobbing again, apologizing for things that were completely out of his control.

"It's okay to cry and be sad, you know Jude. It's also okay if you're not ready to go to school tomorrow, or at all. There's always the home schooling option, just give me a heads up, alright?" I said, trying to reassure him a little.

"No! I mean, no, I want to go to school. Like you're always saying, one more minute in this place and I am going to explode." He laughed softly, nervously. I nodded.

"Right, well can you at least stick your head out the door and come eat dinner with us? I miss your face at the table." I said, and that earned a little grin from his side.

"As long as you promise I can play the piece tonight."

"Anything for the Maestro." I laughed softly as he stood up and walked out. And then I was smiling; I was happy Jude's okay again. I mean, okay as in at least he's not an expressionless zombie anymore. We were all okay, but not okay. We were fine, but only to an extent where it could seem as if we were a normal family. I wouldn't allow an outsider to see how broken this family really was, if I had to façade this family – I would. I didn't want the kids at school to look at Jude and Aubella like two little mangled animals, because they got enough pity looks from my own family. Everyone now looked at them as if they were lost puppies. Jude ended up making me cry with the piece he played after dinnertime, and that was the closest we were going to get to the term 'normal'. We weren't normal, nobody was. It was okay, Jude was a six-year-old who played the piano when he was sad, and had panic attacks when he was distraught, Aubella was a noisy little girl who turned her sadness into art, and Drew had an imagination bigger than the galaxy itself. And me? I was a schizophrenic musical prodigy who cried more than a teenager, and stayed up until my eyes couldn't stay open anymore. What even was normal? Is there even an ordinary? Because we're all different in our own way, who's normal, who's not? It's gotten so hard to tell the difference between different and what's considered normal.

The next day the household was up and running six a.m. sharp, Drew throwing things into a bag and scrambling around to find the keys to his apartment in London, along with the keys to his car. I was jumping through the shower and trying to find something suitable to wear to the first day of the kids' school. Jude and Aubella were putting their school uniforms, and then running to me to do their compulsory ties. I had to do Aubella's hair, even though I didn't have a very good idea what I was doing – see, the mum's at her dance studio had taught me the basics of hair, so I at least knew how to brush and tie hair into a decent pony tail or bun, but that was where my knowledge ended. Though in the end it ended up pretty cute, her hair was in two little ponytails and though I didn't have ribbon, it was still bloody cute. I swear I took a million pictures, and probably wept like a baby, but that was okay, since basically everyone else around me was as well. (though, the fathers weren't, I was the only one in that category.) Jude just wanted to get it over with, stop with the pictures, get to his class and get it over with, and Aubella wanted to make friends. Finally after they announced who was in which class and they both walked away from me, Aubella blew me one last kiss and Jude smiled at me. Hell, I wept in the car afterward. This was the first day of the rest of their lives, and it was too much for this emotional thirty-one year old. Anyway, with the kids gone, I had more time to loath, to cry, to wallow in self-pity, and play that baby grand until it fell apart. That thing had been part of my life for as long as I can remember, and it had been the only way I could let my imagination run wild. I swear the neighbours filed a complaint against my constant music playing, it was hilarious really. After I cried my eyes out in the car, I drove home. My tie was thrown across the room, and landed somewhere between the dining room set and the kitchen counter and I went to my bedroom and saw that poetry wall, I wanted to rip it all off because it was about her anyway, but I didn't because it was one of the few reminders I had of her, and I didn't want to mess it up. So, I just fell down, and fell asleep. My dreams were stupid and messed up, didn't make much sense, basically just recapping her death, I woke up about two hours later to my phone vibrating in my pocket. An unknown number was calling, or at least I'd never seen it. Looked like either a house phone, or a business, I answered anyway.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Is this Harry Holt speaking?" A nasal female voice asked on the other side of the line.

"Yes, may I ask who's calling?" I answered.

"This is Mrs Greene speaking, am I correct when I say Jude Holt is your son?" she asked.

"Yes, why?" I asked.

"Well, there's been an accident." She said.

"Accident?" Now this woman was definitely getting my attention.

"Well, he fainted earlier in his class." She said.

"I'll be right there." I hung up, and rushed to locate the tie I tossed across the room earlier. About ten minutes later I was standing in the office of the academy the kids went to, Mrs Greene met me in the office.

"Harry Holt?" She asked.

"That would be me." I shrugged.

"This way." She led me to the nurse's office, where Jude was sitting on a bed, absentmindedly chewing on a piece of candy.

"Hey, Jude. What happened?" I asked as soon as I saw him.

He got down from the bed, and tugged at my shirt, "can we please go home?"

"Yeah, sure." I said, "why?"

"Don't feel well." He said simply, and after signing him out, we were on our way.

"What happened?" I asked, when we were alone in the car.

"I got scared." He admitted sheepishly.

"Scared?" I asked.

"Yeah, scared. The teacher asked me my name and what I liked to do, and I choked up. Then all the other kids started laughing at me." He looked down to his hands.

"Jude." I said, sighing softly.

"And then I had problems breathing, so they took me to that office, and I fainted there because there were so many people."

"Look at you, splitting image of your father." I almost laughed, "it's okay to be scared. I was petrified on my first day, and I bet I can top your first day, I peed my pants I was so scared, alright? Everyone laughed for weeks, and I'm still scared. But you've just got to learn how to deal with it." I said, smiling.

"Can we not talk about it?" He asked, "I just really want a milkshake."

"Then a milkshake is what you shall get." I nodded, pulling into the drive-through of some place, and Jude grinned. He was just like me, it was quite scary

Later that afternoon I picked Aubella up from school, she was absolutely buzzing.

"Daddy, today was so fun! Jude missed so much!" She said as she dove into my arms, and I laughed.

"I'm sure, you can tell him everything in the car though, okay Bells?" I said, placing a quick kiss on her cheek.

"Okay!" She exclaimed, running toward where my car was parked.

Jude opened the back door for her and she dumped her bag in the back seat, before getting in herself.

"Jude, you missed so much!" She said as she sat down, and I got in as well.

"Did I?" Jude laughed.

"Yeah, we drew pictures, and I made so many new friends, daddy I love school!" She said and she continued babbling on about how grand her first day was. After a while I had to stop her, Aubella had verbal diarrhoea sometimes, it was pretty hysterical.

"Bells, slow down, please," I said, laughing slightly as she pouted in the back seat, "can I have a turn please?"

"Fiiine." She said.

"Thank you, now we're going to grand mum's for dinner, I'm just going to swing by the house so you two can make yourselves look nice, and then we'll drive at about four-ish?" I asked.

"But daddy, I thought grand mummy lived in Stockport, and that's like one million billion days away!" Aubella said, and I laughed again.

"No Bells, she's staying in Cambridge for a bit." I said.

"Oh! That's close!" She smiled, pleased with herself. Jude rolled his eyes playfully at his sister.

As we drove into the driveway, Aubella was still buzzing about today's activities, and Jude was still not impressed by the whole school idea, and well I was still laughing at them. I was happy we were at least functioning normally again.

Drew called as I stepped into the house, "Drew, it's been a while."

"Yes, father, it's been two days." He laughed, rolling his eyes as he was on video.

"I missed your face, listen we're going to dinner with your grand-mother, any chance you'll be able to make it?" I smiled hopefully.

"Yeah, I can try. It's not like I was planning on spending my night doing something actually fun." The way he said it was completely hilarious.

"Yes, Drew. Of course, you're my son, and a son of mine never does anything social or fun." I nodded, laughing.

"Dad! Online gaming is totally social!" He laughed as well.

"Keep telling yourself that, Andrew. See you at dinner, yeah?" I asked.

"Yes, father. I will. Love you." He smiled, waving.

"Okay, squirt. Love you too." With that he was groaning.

"DAD! I'm twenty!" He exclaimed.

"Bye squirt!" I said, hanging up before he could say anything else.

"Are you always going to tease our older brother like that?" Jude asked.

"Yeah, it's only because I love him." I replied, smiling.

"You're weird, daddy." Jude said.

"Shut up and let's have your piano lesson, yeah?" I laughed softly, putting a hand on his back and edging him toward the piano as he pouted furiously.

We ended up going to see my mum, and it was a much-needed refreshment. She smiled when we pulled into the driveway of the house she was staying in. The place was grand, a half Victorian-style house, white and a dirty gold.

"Mum, what elegant place is this?" I said when I got out and looked around.

"I'm house-sitting for a friend of mine, ace timing innit?" She smiled; coming over to shower me with her affection, I was for once happy my mum was so touchy-feely.

The kids loved her too, and as soon as she was open, Jude and Aubella came dashing into her arms, I smiled fondly at the whole situation. Drew arrived a little after that, still catching us in the driveway. The kid looked good in a car, he looked amazing. Drew was so grown-up, it was enough to make me bawl my eyes out right there.

"Father dearest, look at you, you're not wallowing in self-pity anymore." He said, stepping out of his car.

"When did you get so cocky, Andrew Miles Holt?" I raised an eyebrow, laughing.

"I learn from the best." He replied, gesturing to me. That's when my mother ran toward him, showering him with affection.

"ANDREW MILES HOLT I DEMAND YOU STOP GROWING!" She exclaimed.

"Sorry, grand-mum." He laughed, embracing her once more.

"Now, all of you get inside, I have prepared a whole feast for you." She smiled proudly as we all walked inside the house. The floors were a white marble, and the walls pretty white too. The ceiling was high, and the patio had a gorgeous view of Cambridge.

"This house is better than my entire future." Drew said, gazing around the place.

"Drew." I replied, "that's a lie."

"It's a thing, father." He said, shrugging.

"A thing I am not aware of." I responded, with a confused glare in his direction.

"Stop bickering, and sit down, you two." Mum said, and we did as we were told. Dinner was pretty lovely, Drew telling us about how fantastic London is and how excited he was to be starting his course at the university. Afterward, Drew was showing Jude and Aubella a couple stuff on his computer, and they seemed to be distracted enough for mum to drag me out on the balcony. She handed me an envelope, and smiled. I opened it, and gazed up at her as I saw what was inside, "plane tickets?"

"Yeah." She said.

"But you hate flying." I replied, "and there's six?"

"We all need a break, H." She smiled, looking to me, "we're leaving in a week."

"A week?" I replied, shocked.

"Yeah, get your things packed." Mum said.

"My God, now this is not what I expected." I said, laughing softly.

So, a week later, my mother – who might I mention hates flying for one of two reasons a) she's terrified of heights and b) she's completely paranoid the thing will crash – Insley, the kids and I are sitting in his private jet, preparing to fly to Italy.

"This is significantly better than public transport," I said, sinking into the chair by the window, my mum sat next to me, chewing on her thumbnail, "I could certainly get used to this."

"Remember who's the billionaire." Insley replied with a laugh.

"Mum, calm down, we're still on the ground." I said.

"Shh." She replied, obviously not bothered by my statement. Insley sat down in the isle opposite us, looking over to Drew, who seemed to be enjoying himself by having his ear buds in his ears, listening to whatever music he was listening to. Jude and Aubella were in the seats behind mum and I, Aubella already asleep, and Jude looking out the window.

"How much longer?" He asked.

"'Round two hours, I reckon." I replied, looking over to Insley for confirmation.

"Four, actually." He responded with a shrug.

"So, we'll be there at about tea time." Mum said, finally smiling.

"Well, in London time," Insley said, "ten a.m. in Italian time."

"Time zones are bloody weird." Drew responded with a laugh.

"Language, son." I warned.

"Okay, time zones are freakin' weird." He corrected himself and I smiled.

"Much better, really."

"Attention all passengers, we will now start to board." With that mum tensed up, and I offered her my hand, which she took with gratitude.

"Oh, blimey why did I agree to this?" She looked up to the ceiling, and then to me.

"Your idea, mother darling." I replied, obviously amused by her little breakdown, and I realize how sinister that sounded, but as the events unfold, you'll comprehend why I say my mother having a breakdown is hilarious.

"Oh God! What was that?" She exclaimed, grabbing onto my arm as we started to fly.

"Mum, that was us rising up into the heavens." Insley replied, making Drew and the other youngsters giggle.

"So, we're flying?" She looked to me for comfort.

"Yeah, mum, look out the window, if you look real close you can see Heathrow," I said, and she leaned over, "but careful, you might tumble out." With that I gave her a little shake, and she screamed like an injured animal.

"Harold Charlie Holt, I swear to the upper power, I will make this the worst bloody flight of your life!" She said, panic lacing her voice. With that, Insley was hosing himself, he caught the whole thing on tape and was now laughing himself into oblivion. It was a bit of a different sight, considering Insley was half always expressionless.

"Curse me for having twins." Mum said, putting her head between her knees, I could only try not to laugh and pat her back. After an hour, she was out, and so were the rest of the company, except of course for Insley and I.

"Pretty serene, isn't it?" He smiled, "I mean we're forty-thousand feet in the air, just flying, it's pretty nice."

"Yeah," I was looking out the window, the only thing I could see were the terrific blue skies, and the fluffy white clouds. And then I saw her face, I saw her eyes in the colour of the sky, her face in the clouds, and I swear I could hear her voice in the way the wind whizzed past the plane. Suddenly it wasn't so quiet, suddenly I could see it all again, I could hear the music – which had vanished the day she left – and I could hear her voice, her laugh, I could see her face and not cry, I could see everything. All the memories were streaming into my head, and for once I welcomed the grave nostalgia.

poor lil jude :( im just gonna crawl into the corner now