why did i do roman numerals

why

why

why

anyway, while i died and was resurrected here's another part of this thing that i worked so hard on, i've been lazy on updating this mostly since well, THE DAMN NUMERALS, and i'm too lazy to change it.

-the chronicals of danielle, a book by danielle.

hope y'all like this :) or not unless it's the thing. i dont wanna read it again yo

update, i fixed the numerals :')

Four-and-a-half years later.

Jude and Aubella's sixth birthday was a thing and a half. We had a bunch of little buggers running around the house, giggling like crazy. And I had to babysit – not that I minded, but not that I enjoyed watching a bunch of six year olds who blew snotbubbles and giggled like crazy if they popped. Rose had taken it upon herself to lose some weight, not that she was fat but nonetheless she wanted to. After Jude and Aubella's party, she wobbled over to me, "My leg hurts." She said.

"It's probably stiffness."

Little did I know that 'probably stiffness', was a Pulmonary Embolism in the making. Yes, for those of you who do not speak medical, a Pulmonary Embolism – or PE for short – is a blood clot that starts in your leg and slowly works its way up. It can happen in the span of weeks, if you're lucky, but hours if you're cursed. Rose's had taken a week, until it crossed through her heart, and it was over and done with. My Rose had withered before she even knew what poisoned her. I didn't expect it at all, honestly none of us did. She was so healthy, and lively. Hell, no one thought she'd get a PE and die a week later. Doctors said PE's weren't very common, and they'd look into it as half closure for me. Said it was the birth control, but hell, I couldn't remember her using any?

Finn called me that day, frantic going, "Harry! Harry – thank God – you answered!"

"Finn, I was with a patient, what happened? Are you all right?" I asked.

"I'm good, but it's Rose. She's in the ICU – I-I – I don't know what happened, Christ Harry! She called me and she couldn't breathe and the doctors are speaking bloody gibberish and I don't know what to do!" I raced to that hospital, but all my efforts were futile because she'd died before I got there. My mum and Insley were there when I arrived, it seemed like everyone saw her except me.

"Harry." My mum said as I walked in.

"She's gone?! Isn't she?" I croaked out, and the look on Finn Darlings' face gave it all away.

"Died about two minutes ago." An unfamiliar voice spoke it was the doctor. His nametag read Dr Samuel Reynolds.

"Ho-how did she die?" I dared to ask.

"Mr Holt, Harry. Can I call you that? Am I correct when I say you'll know what I'm saying when I say her cause of death was a side effect from previous birth control she might have used. She did use it, before you two were married?" I nodded, and he smiled knowingly, "Yes, it started as Deep Vein Thrombosis, which caused a Pulmonary Embolism, that stopped her heart." Mortified, completely mortified, I collapsed next to my mother who was sitting down. I was not crying, no. I was too numb for that, too shocked for that. I heard Dr Reynolds mutter a small 'I'm sorry for your loss' and I just sat there. Staring at the blankness of the wall, I was so shocked, traumatised. Nothing was functioning right, nothing. My breathing was off, my heart rate was probably haywire and on the inside I was having an anxiety attack, but on the outside – my expression was mortified, and it stayed that way until I excused myself to go to the bathroom. At first, no one would let me out of their sight, and after five minutes of bickering I exploded and practically ran to the bathroom where I watched myself fall apart piece by piece. With every damned tear that fell down my cheeks, a little part of me was being chipped away, it was possibly the worst thing I had ever seen, and I promised myself that no one would ever see me like that ever again. When I came back, everyone sort of backed off, but Insley kept saying all these things I couldn't make out and eventually he smiled for no reason, and for another reason I felt my arm lifting up and next thing I knew Insley had fallen flat on his backside on the hospital floor and Finn Darlings was mortified as can be. My eyes were wide and red, I remember grabbing his car keys from next to him and running out of the hospital with my family and Dr. Reynolds trailing behind me in distraught eminence. I don't know how I was driving, nor can I properly remember where I went or what I did, but I know when Insley found me I was repeating Rose's name over and over again and I couldn't see straight because apparently I'd hit my head on the steering wheel so many times I was about to fall faint. I had apparently also dehydrated myself by crying and that's about all I can remember. When Insley drove me back to his apartment he said that it was similar to driving a dead body to the morgue, not that he'd know, but apparently I was silent and didn't move.

Insley knew that it would be a terrible move if he drove me back to our house, because all her memories would be there. I would see her studio, and see her unfinished painting she spent hours slaving away on, I would see Aubella, who was the splitting image of her mother nowadays. And I'd see sweet, naïve Jude, who would be crying and I wouldn't know what to do. Both mum and Insley helped me inside, and while mum sat me down on the couch, Insley kept his distance, grabbing some frozen vegetables from the freezer and putting the bag up to the side of his face – as a feeble attempt to stop the bruising that had already started taking place – and in the same sense, he flipped on the switch to the kettle. Then he put his keys in mum's hands, and whispered something in her ear. She nodded, and kissed the side of my head, and then she got up and left the house in his car. He came to sit next to me a couple minutes later, handing me a cup of tea. I mustered a small smile, as I sipped it hesitantly. I felt terrible for what happened at the hospital, and I wished I could've said something, but I was so distraught – all I could think of was RoseRoseRoseRoseRoseRose.. My mind had gone from fully functional, to a record on repeat. So, instead of apologizing like I was supposed to, like any human being would, I just said, "I don't know what happened."

He nodded, and smiled at me, "it's okay, H, it's okay." I always loved Insley for that, how understanding he was. He was truly something I was genuinely thankful for. He didn't judge, nor did he protest – he just understood and listened as I blubbered away. As I said, he was the one thing I was genuinely thankful for. I suppose it was because we were twins, that we had a sense of 'twin telepathy' but not even I believed that stuff or it could be that he'd lost himself in the process of trying to find me. It was all in the art of losing yourself, and Insley Aulte was a beautiful sufferer. Mum arrived later with the kids. Jude ran to me and balled his little fists, slamming them against my chest.

"How could you?!" He asked, and I didn't know why but I apologized. Aubella was pretty quiet and Drew was like I was, silently crying, trying not to fall apart all over again. After an hour of sobbing, Jude passed out and so did Aubella, which left Insley, Drew and I.

"You can stay the night if you must." He stated as he got up from the couch, "the guest room's always empty." He laughed a little, and I smiled a little.

"Thanks, Ins." I said, and he nodded, "it's a pleasure." I knew it wasn't, and he was probably freaking out because I had been blubbering all over him and most likely got snot all over his clothes.

"Sorry about your shirt." I said, "I know you're a germophobe, and I went and cried all over you."

"Sometimes phobias need to be disregarded, H."

Drew slept with me in the bed that night, though neither of us actually slept.

Around one in the morning he said, "dad. Why do all the good people die?"

"Lord knows, Drew. Lord knows." I replied.

"He's a prick." Drew responded, sniffling.

"Drew, don't say that." I said, and he shook his head.

"'s true. Only pricks make people suffer." I heard a little whimper escape his lips as he scooted closer. I couldn't argue, I was never a very religious man. But I didn't blame God, or Jesus or myself for that matter. I just knew she was dead, and I needed to keep going. When Sylvester died, my mother shut down and it changed me. I read online somewhere that most children turn into their fathers, and I was putting my foot down. No child of mine would suffer the way I did no child deserved that. And I vowed I would make sure that their lives would be ten times better than mine was. I would not shut down; I would not abandon them in their hour of need. I would not be a repeat of my father. That is the sole reason I have not chosen the high road, I mean I could've decided that it would be easier to take a dozen sleeping pills and join Rose. But I knew why she died, and not both of us. I needed to look after the kids, the pieces she left behind. I needed to make sure our little gems wouldn't shatter. And that's what I did; I made sure that they didn't. Because even the worst of the worst didn't deserve to shatter.

shit it was the thing

hope i ripped your heartstrings out

like augustus waters did with mine :-)

okay?

(i'm a geek fight me irl)