[Tuesday, June 4, 2019]

Okay, so quick backstory and extra information before we get into this.

I got a haircut a few months ago. It's short (shaved) on the sides and long on top and it falls onto my left side. It makes me feel more masculine and I really love it. I really do. It helps A TON with my Dysphoria.
   For this story, I have the haircut mentioned above, a sports bra on (so my chest is smaller than usual), a black Nirvana t-shirt, grey pants that show off my calves (which are unshaven since December), and black shoes. So I probably looked pretty masculine.
Onto the story!
My hair was getting long (it grows pretty fast), so my mom decided it was time for a trim. We went it to get it re-cut, and my normal barber was there, as well as someone else.
My barber saw me and told me that she was ready. Before I could even take a step, the second barber chimes in and asks, "Getting a boy cut, huh?" I stopped dead in my tracks.
She didn't ask if I was getting a male cut. She was asking her barber friend if she was cutting a boy's hair. Before I could even say anything, though, my mother and barber cut in and say, "No! This is a girl!" in joking and laughing voices. She apologized profusely.
I wanted to freaking scream and cry.
I wanted to tell her "No! You had it right the first time! Please don't think I'm a girl!" or "No, I don't mind if you think I'm a guy. Please don't feel obligated to call me female pronouns or apologize for calling me the correct pronouns." but I just mumbled as my barber guided me into the seat for my cut.
   I just stayed silent almost the whole time.
   I was, for the first time (that I knew), passing as a male in public, yet my mother and the people around me who knew me had to ruin it. I know that I'm not out yet, and it isn't their fault, but god do I wish that they could read minds. Or just my mind for this one secret. Or maybe they could read this story and find out.
   I'm so scared to come out as trans. Scared out of my mind. But I'll have to do it before some pictures that are coming up for my school. Senior photos. Oh god no. Don't force me to wear a dress, please. I'm trying to avoid taking them, but I know my mother wants me to. So, it's unavoidable.
   I wanted so badly to go up to that second barber and thank her while crying into her shoulder. It felt so good to be called the proper pronouns without telling her that I was trans. It felt so good to pass.

Anyway, I hope all of you are having a wonderful summer. And if summer hasn't started for you, I hope it starts soon and you enjoy it!

See ya!