Rey walked across the hangar toward the Falcon, spying Chewie on top of the ship, electrowelding a piece into place.  "Hey Chewie!"  she called.  He moved his safety mask out of the way, and trilled back to her.  "I know, I know.  I'll get started on that right away.  She won't fly much longer if we don't fix it.  That TIE did a number on us!"  Grabbing a tool belt, she headed under the ship and opened an access panel.

She and Chewie had been out scouting for supplies a few days ago when they came across a small First Order cruiser, and got a bit too close.  They took some fire before they were able to jump to light speed.  Luckily the damage was relatively minor, but still, they had to be more careful.

It didn't take her long to begin removing the damaged components so she could inspect the fried wiring.  Her mind began wandering to Ben.  It had been two weeks since they last connected, and she found herself wondering about the kinds of things he did all day, how he dealt with his staff, and whether he still acted like the mighty but erratic Kylo Ren to the First Order.

Recalling their last Force bond connection, she realized how much different, how much better it had been than almost all the others since Crait.  He was still sullen, and prone to anger, but he now seemed to be open to talking, which was a huge relief.  She could see a bit more Ben Solo than before.

She had also been thinking – a lot - about what he had been trying to tell her before Poe interrupted them.  About wanting to change things in the First Order.  That had to be a good sign, right?  But she was still confused.  He had explained a bit of what he meant – wanting to move away from ruling through fear and death, but what possibly could have brought about such a drastic change in him?  He was the Supreme Leader, the mighty Kylo Ren – the Dark Prince – bringer of death and destruction.   Since Crait, he had relentlessly pursued the Resistance, intent on ending them once and for all.  What had changed?

Lost in thought, it took a few seconds for her to realize that everything had gone silent.  Looking around, she could see a pair of legs clad in tall black boots at the other end of the Falcon, and she soon saw his face as he bent over to peer at her underneath.  Putting the components on the ground, she wiped her greasy hands on her pants and made her way over to him.  They just looked at each other for about 30 seconds or so, and she found herself starting to get lost in his eyes, before Ben looked around him at the Falcon and finally spoke.  "Are you ever not working on this piece of garbage?"

Annoyed at his attitude, she told him  "It takes a lot to keep her flying, but its worth it."  she paused.  "And we took a few shots from some TIEs this week."  His eyes widened and his face darkened as he looked down at her, clearly about to say something.  She held up her hand , "It's a long story, let's not get into it."  Sighing, she went on  "Come on, let's go inside."  Ben followed her to the ramp "Chewie, I think I'm going to lie down for a bit."  He barked back at her, and Ben's face went white before following her up the ramp.  "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."  He told her quickly.

Wrinkling her brows, she realized that it probably had something to do with Chewie, so she just let it go.  When they reached the Captain's quarters, which she had secured for herself, Rey closed the door and went to sit on the bunk.  Following her in, he stilled for a moment before looking around the room briefly – his face impassive.  She could have sworn she saw him take a deep breath and suppress a shudder before settling himself beside her, looking down at the floor.  "Is there still Wookiee hair on everything?"  he asked.

Surprised, she bit back a smile. "No, I managed to get rid of most of it, quite accidentally – bit by bit – all over my clothes."

She could see the corner of his mouth twitch up ever so slightly.  They sat there for a few minutes, staring down at the floor.  Both were silent, waiting for the other to speak.

The silence was starting to become uncomfortable, so Rey finally spoke up. "Sooooo... how have you been?"

Ben's eyes shot up to her, confusion and mild annoyance on his face.

"What?"  She asked, shrugging. "What should I ask to break this weird silence? How are things going in the First Order?"  she looked at him cheekily.

He looked away from her, growling out  "No."

She exhaled a breath, fearing his answer to her next question. "Would you prefer to go back to ignoring each other?"

Something flashed in his eyes briefly, as he looked away and then back to her again.  "No. No."

That brief flash in his eyes had looked like fear, and caused a quick twist in her heart. "Maybe.... You could continue telling me about the changes you want to make to the First Order?"  she told him softly.  "I'd really like to hear them, as well as what brought on this sudden change of heart?"

He looked down at the floor in thought, clearly trying to make a decision.  When he glanced back up at her a minute or so later, he nodded, and took a deep breath, exhaling it on a sigh.  "Its....a long story."

Rey just nodded, and gave him a soft smile.  "I'm listening."

He took another deep breath, and began. "I don't think I can remember a time that Snoke's voice wasn't in my head.  From the time I was very young, maybe 7 or 8 years old, his voice was always there, telling me how great and powerful I was going to be, telling me how I was destined to finish what my Grandfather started."

She was taken aback by the direction of his explanation, not expecting to hear anything about his childhood.  Confused, she sat quietly and listened to what he was trying to tell her.

"At first, I listened, but didn't truly believe him.  Then I found out who my Grandfather was, and started hearing Darth Vader's voice in my head too. Telling me about the power of the Dark Side, and how the Light and becoming a Jedi was all a lie that would lead to a lonely, restricted, solitary life."  He clenched his hands together. "By that time, I was already alone a lot. My parents were always busy with other things, or sent me away because they were arguing....I hated being alone."  He sighed heavily. "Except that the voice wasn't Vader's voice.   It was always Snoke - was all part of his plan to get me to be his apprentice."

She continued to listen silently as he went on.  Still in shock over not only what he was saying, but also how much.  She didn't think she had ever heard him say so much at one time.  He was usually so..... concise when he spoke, using as few words as possible.  So this was definitely a change.

"He knew of my power through the bloodline, knew the power that wielding both the light and the dark would bring, and wanted that power for his own.  But I couldn't see it.  Snoke was deep in my head – like a tumour, and he twisted every experience and thought I had into one of anger, resentment and hate.  It came to the point that I didn't believe anything my parents told me.  I was twelve.  And when they sent me away to train with my Uncle Luke, Snoke pounced.  He told me they never wanted me, that I was always in the way, and that they were afraid of my power." His breathing stuttered over a long exhale. "That they thought I was a monster."

Rey's heart clenched for the little boy that was so deceived. But she remained silent and let him go on.

"My behavior at the academy and with the other students was awful.  It started out badly, and got worse.  I resented being there.  Nobody wanted to be near me.  I had no friends.   I alienated everyone.  But at the time, Snoke made it seem that it was everybody else doing it to me.  That they feared me.  Were jealous of me.  He told me that I had to break away, and become his apprentice.  That by doing so he would make me strong, and nobody would ever look down on me again.  I believed him, and was ready to go to him willingly and eagerly."

He let out a shuddering breath, and scrubbed his hand over his face, looking over at her once again.  She sensed he might need a break. "Would you like a glass of water?"

His eyes widened briefly, before nodding.  She left briefly, and handed him a glass when she returned.

Taking a sip, he began again. "Luke... told you about what I did to the temple?"  he asked hesitantly.  She looked into his eyes and nodded. "That night, at the temple, was the first time I had ever killed anyone.  When I awoke to Luke standing over me, lightsaber poised to strike, I called out to Snoke for help.  He immediately sent his Praetorian guard to come and get me, and told me to choose the most worthy who would become my Knights.  I chose 6 of them.  They ruthlessly slaughtered all the others – except one.  He was my worst tormentor – Alon.  Alon would intentionally set me off – again and again - so that I would lash out and get in trouble with Luke.  The guard brought him to me alive and told me that this was my final test to become Snoke's apprentice.  At that point, I was in shock.  I didn't know that they would kill the rest of the students.  And despite hating him, I was sick at the thought of cutting down my tormentor." He looked back down at the floor, ashamed. "But Snoke's voice appeared in my head, stirring up the hate.  Reminding me of all of the things Alon had done to me, how it was all his fault, and if not for him, I wouldn't have been so unhappy there.  By that point, I almost didn't know what I was doing – I was so blinded by rage – that I cut him down.  He was completely defenseless, being held by two of the guards, and I executed him."

His gloved hands were clasped together in front of him, and they were shaking.  She didn't even think, just reached over and grasped his hand in hers.  He looked up at her then.

"The thing is, what Snoke told me about the Light leading to a lonely, solitary life was really the biggest lie about the Dark Side. Yes, there is power.   And the feeling when you wield it is indescribable – and I know you have felt it Rey, even if you deny it – but when that rush is over, the emptiness - that hole in your soul, gets bigger every single time. And you are left alone with only your power, and nothing else."

He looked down at the floor again, and she felt him grip her hand even tighter. "Since Snoke has been gone, my head has gotten a lot clearer.  I can look back, and see everything for what it was.  How stupid I was for believing him.  And what he turned me into."

His breath shuddered out on a long exhale.  "I still have times when I lose my temper and get unreasonably angry.  But his ever-present voice in my mind is gone, and I can think for myself without my thoughts being constantly twisted.  I'm not saying the things I've done weren't my fault – because they were – I still had the choice to act on Snoke's orders and my rage.  I've killed indiscriminately. I've hurt people, tortured people.  I could have stopped it.  But I didn't.  At the time, I didn't think to – didn't want to."

She could feel the tears forming in her eyes.  He took another shuddering breath. "To fail Snoke, to not carry out his orders or wishes was pain and torture beyond what you can imagine.  What you experienced in the Throne room was only a tiny bit of it.  That was nothing, NOTHING compared to what he did to me almost every single day.  At the time, I was convinced that it was necessary to make me stronger – more powerful.  But now I know it was simply to make me fear his wrath if I should ever step out of line or refuse to do his bidding."

At that, he was finally silent.  His breathing was labored. He was paler than usual, and his forehead was covered in a light sheen of sweat.  His gaze was focused on the floor.

Her head was spinning, and her heart was filled with compassion for what his life had been.  This man.  This man – not monster, who as a young boy was broken almost beyond repair by an incomprehensible evil.  But...maybe not beyond repair?  If he could now objectively examine his actions, yet still own up to them and take responsibility for them, doesn't that mean that there was still hope for him?  Maybe the monster that was within him could be redeemed somehow? Here he was, talking about it, confiding in her.  She was only guessing, but she didn't think he had ever told anyone this before.  Her heart was pounding, and the tears that had threatened now overflowed down her cheeks.

"Ben....".  she brought his hand, still held in her own, up to her chest and enfolded it with her other one, now held over her heart.

"Don't!"  he said crossly, pulling his hand from hers.  She could feel his anger flare through the bond, and his voice was harsh. "I don't want your pity.  I didn't tell you all of this for you to pity me.  I wanted to tell you so you could understand why I think I can – why I need to – change things for the future."

"But...."  she stuttered... "why even stay with the First Order?"

"Rey, I am of the Dark.  I will admit that I have always used both sides as it has suited me, but I am in too deep.  I will never be accepted elsewhere.  There is no going back.  If I leave, Hux or one of the other war mongering Generals will be put in charge."

"So what?"  she asked in frustration.

He had started off speaking quietly, but was clearly upset at the question. "And then what?"  As he went on, his voice and exasperation escalated. "The cycle will just continue, and they'll just keep taking new systems by force, without a thought or care of what they're doing. Hux will blow up half the goddamn galaxy!  And they'll keep hunting the Resistance – Hux will not stop - eventually killing you all off one by one."

"You don't know that!  We can take care of ourselves!  Why would you care, anyways? You've been trying to kill us for months!"  she asked, clearly puzzled.

He looked away, and got up, starting to pace around the room. "I told you. I want to change the First Order.  I want to see it become more of a governing body, rather than the war machine that it currently is.  I'm the only one who can do it."

She continued to watch him pace, noticing that he wouldn't meet her gaze.  "Are you saying that there is no one else in the galaxy who would be willing nor able to do those things?"

"You don't seem to understand!  Do you want the Resistance to die?  If anyone else is put in charge of the First Order, that's what will happen.  The Resistance will remain the top target for the First Order, AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO PROTECT YOU!!"  This last part came out as a frustrated shout.

There was a beat of silence.  He clenched his fists, looking down, anger and frustration surging through him.  He was desperately trying to calm his breathing, clearly struggling to maintain his composure, afraid that he had said too much.

Her mouth was hanging open - her face frozen in shock, as she stood to face him.  Her heart stuttered in her chest, and she tried to speak, but all that came out was a broken whisper..."You.... you want....to protect me....??"

He slowly raised his face to look at her – his amazingly deep eyes that always spoke such volumes to her were large, solemn and somewhat fearful.  He gulped silently, and simply nodded his head once.

Her eyes never left his as she reached over to once again clasp his hand, this time intending to entwine her fingers with his.  As she reached down, her fingers accidentally brushed his bare wrist above his glove.  A jolt of electricity shot through them, both of them sucking in their breaths, their eyes darkening, hearts racing, as they stared at each other in stunned shock.  At that moment, she could feel the connection start to break, and he once again faded away.

She was left standing there, feeling the emptiness of the room once again, suppressing a shiver as she recalled the feeling of her fingers touching his skin.  Just like when their fingers touched on Ahch To.   She shook her head to clear it, but was more confused than ever.  Suddenly, a warm feeling blossomed in her chest, and she felt the spark of hope burst into flame.