Despite Rey's dilemma with Kylo/Ben, life around the Resistance base went on.  Ever since the Force Bonds started again, Rey felt somewhat happier and her spirit felt lighter.  While there had been no progress between them, she no longer felt as if she were just waiting for something to happen.  Even Finn and Poe remarked that lately she seemed to smile more, ate more regularly and was more willing to just hang out with them and laugh.  In particular, Poe Dameron seemed to go out of his way to spend time with her.  He would often appear at meal times, coaxing her into joining him at the canteen, saying he didn't want to be the 3rd wheel to Finn and Rose.  Rey took pity on him, and Poe, ever the easy-going charmer, never failed to make her laugh and feel good.

But in the back of her mind, she was now always waiting for the next time that the bond would connect.

One night, about 3 weeks after their previous connection, she was sitting on her bed reading one of the Jedi texts, trying to find any information on Force bonds.  If she could find a way to control it, maybe it wouldn't feel like she was always waiting for him...

Like usual, she felt the familiar tingle, the roaring rush of air turning to silence, and there he was, sitting across the room once again.  She took a deep breath and tried to focus on the text, but gave up after trying to read the same entry over and over again.  Softly closing the book, she set it aside, and sighed deeply.  The silence was killing her, and there was so much to say. Best to get this over with.

Her tone was soft, but wary as she began. "Ben. I know I hurt you.  And I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to do that.  Especially after everything."

His head snapped up, and he snarled at her.  "What makes you believe that I care about anything you think?"

Her temper flared, but she tamped it down.  It would do no good if she got angry, as they'd both probably just end up screaming at each other.  He was just lashing out at her, in a typical Kylo Ren tantrum.  Her voice was even, but firm when she replied.  "Because I can feel it rolling off of you – all flowing towards me."

He scrubbed a hand over his face and then slowly raised his head, looking up at her – his face completely impassive.  The mask when he wasn't wearing the mask.  But still, he remained silent.

The silence became uncomfortable, and it felt like he was waiting for her to say something, so she tried to begin.   "I....I know you probably hate me now, and I understand that.  If you want to keep ignoring me, that's fine.  But I don't think this – whatever this is, " she gestured all around her "is going to just stop."  She paused before going on, her eyes pleading. "Can we at least try not to be hostile with one another when we do this?  Its stressful, and it makes me dread the whole ordeal."   her voice was gentle. "Maybe we could start over?  Find a way to make these go a little easier?"  She took a deep breath, whispering. "I....I'd like to try to be friends again....like...before."

She saw his eyes widen briefly, and he simply sat there staring at her for a couple of minutes. Then she heard him inhale deeply followed by a slow exhale.  His impassiveness had slipped – his gaze no longer filled with anger, but still plenty of hurt and what seemed like – resignation? And something else..... Something about the moment caused her heart to start pounding in her chest as he continued to stare at her, and she couldn't look away.  When their eyes locked onto each other like this, there didn't seem to be anything else in the galaxy but the two of them.....

Her whispered request for friendship flowed through him like a soothing balm, beginning to thaw his angry heart.  She didn't want to be at odds with him, didn't want this animosity to continue.  Part of him wanted to rage at her, to demand why he should even consider it, given how she had treated him.  The other part of him wanted to fall at her feet and beg her forgiveness for being an ass.

"I don't hate you."  he admitted, his voice deep, husky.  "I never have.  Not even after Starkiller." He swallowed thickly, followed by a pause.  "I've wanted to."  He sighed in resignation, scrubbing his hand over his face again. "I've tried."

Rey's heart clenched.  He's been fighting a battle with himself she realized.  Over her....

With his recent conversation with Anakin foremost in his mind, Kylo was trying to work himself up to asking her the question that has tortured him ever since Crait.   However, this required opening himself to potential rejection and pain once again, that she could ultimately inflict.  The tightness in his chest was overwhelming, almost to the point that it was choking him.  He hated looking weak, hated feeling vulnerable, and knew that her response could crush him.   Maybe even send him over the edge.

As far as he was concerned, he had two choices.  The first was to continue to ignore her, and simply refuse to feel anything at all – no anger, no fear, no pain – and keep everything packaged away in one of the little boxes inside his head.  Or he could foolishly risk the searing agony of her rejection once again.

A few more minutes passed before he made his decision.  His intense stare never left her eyes as he spoke. "Tell me something."  He began hesitantly, his voice sounding deeper than usual. "When we touched hands over the fire that night, and then you came to me on the Supremacy." He faltered. "Then in the elevator, and later in the Throne room.   I thought I.... felt.... something.  Between us.  A....a pull of some sort.  Was I wrong?"

The question caught her completely off guard.  Having seen inside his head, she knew it took a great deal of courage, and likely cost him a lot of pride to ask that.  He wanted to know if he was the only one feeling it.  That there was more than just this connection.   Whether she felt the need that simmered below it all – one that wouldn't go way.  And in truth, that is what scared, and excited her most of all.

Her breath hitched, and she couldn't look away.  She was caught in those eyes, and was drowning.  And his voice – husky and deep – seemed to have cast a spell upon her.  Although the words were spoken quietly, they wrapped around her like a warm blanket, yet made her shiver.

Despite everyone always telling her how strong she is, she has always been easily brought to tears.  Even in the most innocuous situations.  I. am. A. Crier.  she thought.  Her treacherous eyes became glassy.  Taking a deep breath, she measured her words carefully before answering.

"No."  she broke her gaze away and looked down at the floor, then back up into his expressive eyes, whispering. "I felt it......I feel it too".

His eyes closed slowly – almost in relief – and he gave an almost imperceptible nod.  As his eyes opened to look at her again, he faded away.....

Covering her face with her hands, she blew out a long breath, trying to control her rioting emotions.  He felt it too.  She wasn't crazy.  She couldn't suppress a shudder of relief, her heart still thudding frantically in her chest.  They had connected again.  Really connected.  He wouldn't have asked if he didn't really care.  A single tear tracked down her face, accompanied by a small smile.  It would get better from here.

**

Their next visit happened almost immediately – the next morning - which made Rey think that maybe he had figured out a way to start controlling the bond.

That morning, she woke feeling confused and a little gloomy. Her thoughts were jumbled and she felt the need to center and re-ground herself, so decided to find a peaceful spot to mediate alone.  She grabbed a quick meal, and begged off lingering with Poe, Finn and Rose.  Finn and Rose were now inseparable, always physically close to one another, and frequently touching.  A pang of longing shot through Rey, wanting someone to treat her like that.  Her thoughts immediately went to Ben, and then forcefully pushed that thought away.  No, no, no.  Ben Solo was gone.  Fully replaced by Kylo Ren.  A little bit of Ben was surely still in there – she could see it in the way he'd looked at her as he faded out the last time – but the man who came to visit through the Force bonds was now Kylo Ren.  Wasn't he?  She shook her head, confused, definitely needing to mediate.

After hiking away from the base for about a half an hour she came to a meadow. The grass smelled sweet, and the field was dotted here and there with pretty wildflowers.  She inhaled deeply, already feeling more at peace.  She sat down cross-legged, breathed deeply and began her meditation process.

Luke had taught that everyone's process is different, and each has to find their own way to the innermost recesses of the mind.  It seemed to take much longer than usual to find that space in the Force where her thoughts were focused and clear.  But maybe that's because her mind felt so troubled.  Eventually, she began to feel like her mind was floating, and she could feel the Force flowing all around.  Life.  Death.  Decay.  Feeding new life....

She calmly tried to focus on the biggest question at hand.  Why was the Force still connecting her and Ben?  Deep down, she was glad that it was still happening, because something about their connection felt simply right.  And then there was the vision, when they had touched hands that fateful night.  She wondered, would they have eventually gotten to this same place, had she not sought him out after visiting the Mirror Cave on Ahch-To?  She didn't think so, but the Force works in mysterious ways, so who knows?

The vision..... she can still remember it as if it just happened.  She had seen them fighting together – side by side.  And then it had happened, not long afterward, when they had fought the Praetorian guard in the throne room.  And it had felt so right.  They had felt so much as if they were one.  And then he had extended his hand and asked her to rule the galaxy with him and it all went wrong....

But there was a second part to her vision.  One where she had pictured herself sitting on a beach, hand on her swollen belly, and Ben was frolicking in the water with a dark haired little girl.  Her heart clenches every time she thinks of it.

Luke taught that visions are just things that can come true, depending on the path one chooses. All she's ever wanted was to belong, to have a family.  The one she never had growing up.  While she had somewhat found that with the Resistance, there was still this hole in her heart, this longing that she couldn't explain.

Were her and Ben meant to end up like that?  She blushed.   If so, at some point, they will be intimate.  A scary prospect given the current state of their relationship – if one could even call it that.  There was no way Kylo Ren was getting anywhere near her like that!

She recalled the time they connected when his shirt was off however, and became a little breathless.  Does he feel the same way?  Thinking back, she remembered how he looked at her in the elevator on the Supremacy, how his gaze kept straying to her lips – and hers to his.  How it felt like electricity was crackling between them as they locked gazes.  While she can't deny that everything about him draws her, and gives her a fluttering feeling in the pit of her stomach, she can't see how they'll get there from where they are now.  So maybe the choice required to put them on that path has already been made, and they won't get there?  Maybe it's the choice between him being Kylo Ren or Ben?  She's terrified that the choices were the ones that they both made on the Supremacy.

She let out a shuddering breath, still confused.   So much for meditating.  However, just as she was about to open her eyes, that familiar feeling comes, followed by the silence.  The sounds of nature could no longer be heard, and she just knows he is standing right in front of her.  She kept her eyes closed, and her breathing even.  Given all that she was just thinking about, this is no small feat.

Listening intently, she can hear a rustling, and guesses that he has sat down across from her. Taking a deep breath she opened her eyes.

Of course, he is sitting right in front of her, cross legged too, only a couple of feet away.  He still seems a bit angry and guarded, but a lot less than the last couple of times they connected.  He is staring at her very intently - more so than usual, which once again caused that feeling, that undeniable pull, to streak through her, making her tingle.  Then he spoke.

"Tell me why".

He really is a man of few words.  She cocked her head to the side, truly confused.  "Why what?"

"If you felt...feel....something....then why did you refuse me?"

She could see the importance of this question in those beautiful eyes, now gazing at her somberly.  As usual, the intensity of his gaze caused her breathing to speed up and her stomach to flutter.  She couldn't help but feel the weight of her answer, as she suspected that whatever she told him now would affect everything going forward.  She closed her eyes again, and chose her words carefully, trying to make him understand without hurting him further.

"Ben, I didn't refuse you – not really."  His eyes widened at that, and she was pretty sure he was going to say something.  She held up a hand palm out, to stop him. "Let me finish."  Taking a calming breath, she continued. "When you asked me to join you, you asked me to rule the galaxy with you.  I don't want to do that.  Let me be clear – I don't want to rule the galaxy.  I don't want to join the First Order.  I can't be a part of something that rules through fear, intimidation and death. The First Order's mandate is to hunt down and eliminate the Resistance.  Tell me Ben, are you and your Knights still hunting the Resistance?  Still hunting my friends?  Still hunting me?"

His shoulders stiffened, and suddenly he looked away. "That's what I thought.   And when you find us, what will you do?  Will you annihilate us?  Will you kill me?  Is that what you want?"

He seemed taken aback by this.  His mouth opened and closed, unsure of what to say.  He thought about it for awhile and tried again, stuttering. "You're a part of......Despite what......." He sighed, giving up.   His eyes softened, and he almost whispered. "Rey....I could never hurt you."

A shiver went through her when he said her name.  When was the last time he had said it?  The Throne room?  She liked when he said her name.  Something about the way it sounded rolling off of his lips was different from when any other said it, and it caused the blood to thrum in her veins and her belly to flutter.  She mentally shook herself to clear her head, going back to their conversation.

She didn't mean to be cruel, but had to make him see, so she turned the tables on him.  Looking directly into his eyes, she could feel the butterflies in her stomach again as she asked "Tell me why?"

He looked down at the grass.  Again, his mouth opened and closed. "Because..... because....". He looked up, his eyes almost pleading, as their gazes connected intensely for one last moment before the connection ended and he faded away.....