A/N - Hi Reylo Lovelies!  I'm so happy you're still with me on this journey.  I know we're still in the throes of heartache, but it will eventually get better - I promise.  There are a few more surprises in store - and I hope you enjoy them!  Thanks again for all of your kind words and hilarious comments and responses - I ALWAYS read them so please keep 'em coming.  Thanks so much for your continued support!  Enjoy!!

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Kylo lay in bed staring at the ceiling as the alarm on his chrono alerted him that it was time to get up.  It didn't matter – he hadn't slept.  He rarely slept anymore.  Some nights he caught a fitful hour here and there, when his body and mind were simply too exhausted and eventually shut down for awhile.

Most nights, rather than lying in bed restlessly while the minutes passed slowly by, he stalked through the halls of the ship, wandering from zone to zone, deck to deck.  There were always staff around, passing him in the corridors.  Most would acknowledge him in some way now – either with a nod or a curt "Sir".  It helped him feel a little less alone during the long hours of the night.   He felt like a ghost – a ghost of himself - haunting the ship almost nightly.

He'd refused to set foot on the Ascendancy.  That ship – that folly – was the reason Rey had run from him.  The first thing he did was to order the ventral cannon array to be dismantled.  He did not want any ships with planet destroying capabilities.  The risk of someone else repeating Hux's actions was simply too great.  So he'd sent it back to the construction dock for the modifications.

It had been a month.   A month since he'd seen her.  Since he'd heard her voice in his head.  Since he'd held her in his arms.   He took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in his throat.   He'd tried searching for her, but to no avail.  He went to every planet he could think of where she might go to try to hide from him.  Checked the cities and villages.  Put all First Order stations on alert to immediately contact him if she was sighted.  Thus far, there had been three false alarms – false leads – which he knew were the case the moment he'd set foot on each of the planets.  Knew immediately that her Force signature wasn't there.

He scrubbed a hand over his face.  He was driving himself mad – and he knew it.  But he couldn't give up – he needed her.  Felt empty without her – missing a piece of himself – his other half.  And lately, he could feel himself slipping a bit.  The Darkness now constantly playing on his mind once again, reminding him that this was the outcome he always knew would happen.   That he didn't deserve her – because quite simply no matter how much he'd changed, how hard he tried, she was just too good for him.  Sitting up on the bed, he took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair, tugging at the ends, trying to snap himself out of it.  

Slipping into a meditative state, he attempted to center himself in the Force for a little while to calm his frayed nerves.  After a few minutes, he rose to head into the fresher.  He was almost there when he felt a shift in the room.  Sure enough, when he turned, there was a shimmering, bluish-hued  figure standing in the corner.  Growling, he bit out.  "What the hell are you doing here, old man?!"

Luke held out his hands in a gesture of peace.  "I'm here to help, Ben."

"With what?  She's gone.  Although I'm sure that makes you happy, what could you possibly do?"   He snarled.

The Force ghost shook his head.  "I'm not here to help you find her.  I'm here to help you."

"I don't need your help!"  He barked back.

"Yes, Ben.  You do."  Kylo was going to say something else, but Luke held up his hand.  "You've come so far – she's helped you to do that.   But lately, we can see your mind starting to dwell on the darkness again, because of your pain.  The pain of her absence.  And of her unintentional betrayal of your trust."

Kylo turned away from his dead Uncle so he couldn't see the hurt that flashed across his face.  He swallowed thickly before turning back to face him.

"She loves you.  But she doesn't think she can be with you because of what she believes you've done."  Luke gave him a pleading look.   "I'm here to tell you not to give up.  To have hope.  Don't let the darkness back in.  Because if you do, she really will be lost to you when you eventually find her.  Remember that."

Kylo raised a brow.   "Since when do you care?"

Luke let out a long sigh.   "I've always cared Ben.  For over a decade I've accepted and carried the burden for the part I played in what you became.   I've replayed the events of that night in my head over and over.  If I could go back and change my actions, I would."

Kylo just glared at him silently, the fire of remembering and reliving those life altering events burning in his chest.

"I can't explain it Ben – and I'm not asking for forgiveness.  What I did was unforgivable.  But in the weeks before it all happened, I started to have dreams – nightmares actually – and visions of the darkness that I sensed was growing within you.  Visions of the things you would do.  Whispers telling me that the darkness had taken hold, and that it was too late.  I felt like a dark cloud – a seed of doubt had been planted in my mind and I couldn't get it out.  And it festered and grew."   Luke looked ashamed.  "I should never have doubted you.  Should never had acted on those terrible thoughts.  I should have spoken to you – asked – if anything was wrong.  The fault is mine, Ben."

When Luke glanced up, he could see wide-eyed shock written on his nephew's face.  "What?"   He asked.

Kylo began slowly.  "The nightmares – the visions - the whispers....did they – stop - right after you....tried to kill me?  After I left?"

Luke thought back for a minute, and then nodded.

Kylo's throat constricted painfully, and he clenched his fists as his emotions began to bubble over.  "It was Snoke.  Snoke was in your head.   Snoke planted those visions to get you to betray me – to make it all happen.   I had resisted him for so long.   He knew I needed a push.   So that I would turn and become his apprentice."

Luke looked stunned, and Kylo's control finally snapped, realizing the depth of Snoke's manipulation.  "Fuck!  That twisted monster orchestrated everything!!  He was in my head since I was a kid!  Told me that my parents never wanted me!  He even spoke to me as Darth Vader!  Told me it was my destiny to finish what he started – to bring balance to the Force.  Tricked you into trying to murder me!  And I....I fell for it – all of it."

He was breathing heavily, and his whole body was shaking.   It was too much; anything more and he'd fall apart inside.  He'd been deceived his entire life.  He had known that Snoke had manipulated him – twisted his thoughts to the extent that when his Uncle had betrayed him, there was no question of destroying the temple and joining Snoke.  But to learn that Snoke was behind it all – behind everything – was almost too much for him to bear.   He felt like the galaxy's biggest fool.

"Ben."  He heard Luke from behind him.   "You might be right about Snoke.  Something always felt off about my visions – which is why I felt like such a failure – and ultimately hid myself away on Ahch-To.  But you need to use this now.  Understand that the darkness was planted into you – trained into you - its not who you really are.  So don't fall back into it now.  Keep making the changes that you've been making.  Keep moving forward to find that balance between the light and dark."

Kylo's face was a mask of despair, his throat too tight to speak, so he just gave his Uncle a curt nod.

"And don't give up Ben.  You will find her.  I sense that the Force isn't done with the two of you yet."

Again, Kylo nodded, and he could see his uncle's form start to fade away.  "Uncle Luke!"  He called, to try to stop him.   "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Ben."  He said, and disappeared.

He stood watching the spot where his uncle had stood for many minutes, thinking about everything he'd told him, unable to reconcile the things he'd learned.  Eventually, he went into the fresher and stood under the scalding hot water for a long time, before finally dragging himself out, his mood still pensive.

He had almost finished dressing when his door chime rang.  Opening it, he saw Tiga standing there with a tray.  "Good Morning, Sir.   May I come in?"

Kylo raised a brow, but gave him a curt nod and stepped aside for Tiga to enter.  "I brought you some food and some caf."  He said, setting the tray on the table.  "You don't look like you've been eating."

What the hell?  He wasn't a child!  Tamping down a flare of annoyance, he responded, trying to keep his still unstable emotions out of his voice.  "Ensign Tiga, I appreciate the gesture, but I'm really not hungry."

Tiga cocked his head at the Supreme Leader as he studied him momentarily.   "With all due respect Sir, you look like shit."

Kylo's face turned into a frown, and was about to reprimand his young Ensign when his door chime rang again.   This time he voiced his frustration.  "What the hell?"  Answering it, he couldn't hide his surprise at seeing General Avanti standing there with a tray in her hands.

"Good Morning Supreme Leader.  Do you mind if I come in?  I've brought you some breakfast."  She said with a smile.

"By all means.  But Ensign Tiga already beat you to it.  It seems we're having a small party in my quarters this morning."  He quipped sarcastically as he walked away from the door.

Avanti noticed Tiga was already there, and smiled as she set down the tray.

Kylo quirked a brow and looked back and forth between the two of them.  "Would one of you idiots please tell me what the hell is going on?"  He bit out, too overwhelmed after this morning's events.

Avanti flinched.   "Now sir.  We're just trying help.  Call it – an intervention."

"For what purpose?"  Kylo asked incredulously.

Avanti's voice was gentle when she replied.  "Sir.  For your health.  You're clearly not eating.   Likely not sleeping – judging by the dark and puffy circles under your eyes.   And you're exhausting yourself by spending every free moment between your duties here, looking for Lady Rey."  His sad gaze flicked up to hers.   "Sir.  Please let us help you."

"I don't need your help!"  He barked.  "I will find her myself!"

The female General gazed back at her heartbroken superior.  She knew he tried to put on a brave face whenever he was in public or with the staff, but she could see the subtle shifts in his expressions that indicated he was losing hope.  He was once again becoming the man he used to be – the one she remembered from the time before he met Rey.   She couldn't let that happen.   For both his and her friend's sakes.  "We know that eventually you will find her.  But let us help you.  Sir, the staff – the Troops – know that this isn't your fault.  They know that she's missing – is not here – but is supposed to be.  They'll diligently – and happily - assist in the search."  His gaze was directed to the floor as Avanti approached him.  "Sir, the Lady Rey is my friend too.   I know that she would want to know the truth instead of living with Hux's lie – and would want me and the rest of the First Order to help you find her."

Not trusting his voice, his eyes flicked back up to Avanti's and he swallowed thickly before simply nodding.  "Good.  That's settled."  She said.

"He needs to eat too, but he wouldn't listen to me – says he's not hungry."  Tiga chimed in.   "I just told him he looks like shit.  He's probably lost 20 pounds!"

Both Kylo and Avanti snapped their attention to Tiga.   A flicker of mild amusement crossed Avanti's face, but was gone in an instant.   Turning back to the Supreme Leader, she pointed to the table.  "Sit.  Eat."

Kylo looked back at her, a smirk twitching at the corner of his mouth.  "Yes, ma'am."  He sat down at the small table, and lifted the covers off, amazed that his staff would even think to do this.  That they cared enough to do so.  A faint flicker of something he couldn't identify blossomed in his chest, and he could feel the Darkness fade a little bit.

"Now, tell us which systems and planets you've already searched....."

****
Rey took a deep breath of the fresh air and basked in the warm sunshine as she sat cross legged in a green meadow, trying to slip into a meditative state within the Force.  She forced herself to sit in the sun for a little while every day.   It generally helped her feel better, but nothing seemed to be able to completely erase the heartache that she'd been feeling ever since it happened.  She tried not to think about it too often – the memory of all of those lives snuffed out in an instant was simply too painful to bear.

Her mind felt a little calmer today, and the searing pain that had settled around her heart had subsided to a dull ache.  She still cried every day – usually when something here would remind her of Ben – something he'd like, or would probably want to see.  But her crying jabs were no longer the body wracking sobs that they once were.  Instead they were now soft streams of hot tears that usually just silently coursed down her cheeks.   Would she ever be able to stop thinking of him – stop remembering him?  She sighed.  Quite simply, she was heartbroken.  But there was also a niggling feeling in her chest that wouldn't go away, and because of it she was starting to feel extremely guilty.

She'd had a lot of time for self-reflection over the past month or so.  Time to think about her actions.  To consider whether she might have been a bit too hasty in her decisions, and maybe should have spoken to him – at least once.  She could have done it through the bond.   Could have - should have - heard him out.  Instead, she'd been a coward, and just ran.  But she had been so shocked and confused over all the events of that day.  And now, it was too late.  She couldn't just appear to him out of the blue and say "Hi.  Sorry I went into hiding, but I really think we should talk now."   She still believed that nothing he could have said would've changed her mind, but at least she would have had some answers.   And maybe they would've had......closure?

That thought caused a soft sob to escape.  She knew they'd never have closure.   Never.  He'd always be a part of her – except that now they'd be forever apart.  Tears began streaming down her face at the thought of never seeing him again, never touching him.   Breathing deeply, she recalled his scent, and it immediately brought a calming feeling to her soul.  If she could only bury her face in his neck one more time and absorb the comforting peace that only he had brought.

Keeping the bond tightly closed was exhausting.  Every day she grew wearier and wearier.  She didn't know if she'd be able to do it for months, let alone years.   At some point, her guard would slip, and he'd either find his way to her, or she'd end up with him – in his presence.

Would it really be so bad if that happened?  Yes!  She thought.  He'd be angry with her for running away.   Really, really angry.  Of that she was sure.  Blowing up Vandor-1 had been a very Kylo Ren-like thing for him to do, so she imagined that his reaction to her leaving would be similarly Kylo Ren-ish.  The thought terrified her – even though she knew he'd never hurt her.   She just didn't want to see him behave like that to her once again.  Her heart simply couldn't take that.

She thought back to her nightmare – which she now believed to be a vision - the one where he blew up the planet she was on because he thought she'd betrayed him.  He had been so angry in the dream, and she shuddered at the recollection.  That was how she knew he'd be very angry at her when he saw her again.  It was different, but similar.  He blew up a planet, and she betrayed him by running.   But truthfully, he'd betrayed her first by blowing it up.   Broke her trust by acting against Vandor-1 with such horrific vengeance.

It was all such a confusing mess, and she had no idea how they'd even gotten to this point.   Sighing once again, she had a startling thought.  Would she have done this if she hadn't had that nightmare?   Probably not.  While she had been shocked and confused after finding out about her situation, it was the parallels between her nightmare/vision that caused her to run after the First Order destroyed Vandor-1.

Leaning forward, she held her head in her hands.  So much for meditation.   It clearly wasn't working.  Her head hurt from thinking about everything, and once again her heart hurt even more.  Placing a hand on her belly, she cleared her mind and took deep calming breaths, centering herself in the Force.  A flicker of guilt shimmered through her once again, at what she'd had to do – what she still needed to do.  The secrets she had to keep – to protect herself and her loved ones.  To protect what was most important.

Her hand absentmindedly rubbed her belly.   You can do this, she thought to herself, her resolve strengthening once again.   You have to carry on.  She continued trying to steady her breathing, and after a few minutes, felt much better.  Pulling herself up, she stretched out her stiff muscles and headed back to the house to face yet another day - without him.

****

The room was dark, the time still early enough that the automatic lights had not come up yet, when Kylo's eyes blinked open in confusion.   For once he had fallen asleep, but something had woken him - he just wasn't sure what.  Inhaling deeply to clear his exhausted mind, his breath froze in his chest.  He could smell her.  His head snapped to the side.  Sure enough, Rey was sound asleep beside him in his bed.

His mouth opened in silent shock, literally unable to breathe, unable to believe that after six long weeks she was finally beside him again.  Although he desperately wanted to shake her awake and ask her – no, demand – that after everything they'd shared and experienced, and what she'd seen in his mind – in his soul - how she could so thoroughly distrust him.   To the point that she didn't even come to him to ask what had really happened.   To rail at him and try to kick his ass for doing something so heinous.  If only she had done that......

Instead, he stayed frozen - afraid to move – afraid to even breathe – in case he might wake her.   The mere scent of her was a soothing balm to his broken heart, and he very carefully moved himself closer so that he could breathe her in even more deeply.   His entire body was trembling and his eyes filled with tears.  He missed her so much!  Needed her so badly.  Gingerly shifting even closer, he softly relaxed into her and lightly placed his hand on her hip.   A shallow sigh slowly escaped from his lungs.  For the first time in 6 weeks, he felt relief.  Felt like himself.  His true self that he had only discovered through Rey caring for him.   Loving him.  She was his true partner in every way.

He wanted to thank whatever glitch in the Force that allowed her block to slip enough to bring her to him tonight.  For months after Crait he had kept his end of the bond tightly shut, and so knew better than anyone that keeping the bond closed all the time was exhausting.   Draining. He knew that at some point the knot was going to slip and come undone – it had happened to him.  It was for this reason that he didn't want to disrupt this unexpected connection.  If he woke her now and tried to explain what had really happened, she'd likely not listen.  She'd probably just close the connection again and she'd be lost to him for many more months.  At this point, he'd take what ever time with her that the Force would give him until he found her.  And he vowed that he would find her.  This connection and the sense of rightness and peace that came with it refreshed his soul and reminded him clearly that they were meant to be together.   It gave him renewed hope – something that had been fading in the past weeks.

Taking another deep breath, he closed his eyes and relaxed, deciding to enjoy the small kernel of contentment that he'd been gifted.  If she was still here in the morning, maybe they'd be able to have a discussion.  The discussion.  For tonight however, he just wanted to get a good night's sleep.  I love you so much Rey.  He whispered through the bond, hoping that her subconscious mind would hear it.   After a few minutes, his breathing evened out and he fell into a deep, peaceful slumber for the rest of the night.

****

Rey rolled over and sighed, slowly waking from her dream.   It had felt so real, she couldn't help but reach her hand out and feel the spot next to her in the bed.  As expected, it was cold.  But still, she'd happily have dreams like that every night.  It had soothed her aching heart.  She'd slept so well – so peacefully – contentedly, for the first time since she'd left.  It was as if she could still feel his arms around her, his warmth enveloping her – calming her – his hand on her hip holding her possessively.

Her heart stuttered.   If only.  If only they could go back to that peaceful time before..... Taking a deep breath, she swore she could smell him – his unique scent of sandalwood and Ben.   A sad smile crossed her face.  No, she wouldn't cry over it.  She'd had a wonderful dream, and felt so good – she wouldn't ruin it.

Sitting up, she stretched her muscles, inhaling deeply once again.  And froze.  She could smell him.   For real.    Looking around the room, nothing seemed out of order.   Nothing was different.   But she wasn't crazy – it was his scent – she knew it better than anything.  She kept sniffing, trying to find the source of the fragrance that was Ben.   As her nose got closer to her shoulder, the smell got stronger.   Gasping, she tore off her shirt – sniffing the back of it.  Sure enough – that was it.  She was the source of the smell.

This time her heart literally stopped.   It wasn't a dream!  The bond had connected them overnight – while she'd slept.  Tears sprang to her eyes.  She didn't know if he had been awake, but she knew he'd been there.  Or she'd been to him?  It didn't matter.  Her grip on the knot had slipped while she slept, and the Force had connected them.  She had missed him so much.  Had forgotten how good it felt to have him so near.  Had he felt her too?  Did her presence comfort him as much as it did her?  The vague memory of his whispered proclamation of love flowed through her.....

Swallowing the lump in her throat she admitted that it wouldn't be so bad if this happened every once in awhile – but only while they slept.   Had they been awake, or woken up, she was unsure of what would have happened.  Would they have ended up screaming at each other?  Or would she have broken down and succumbed to him.  Shaking her head, she wouldn't worry about it.  If it ever happened, she could just close the connection and tie the knot in the string once again.

Although she still missed him, she felt renewed.   Felt like she could continue carrying on without him for a little while longer.

****

Kylo excitedly walked through the halls of the Finalizer on his way to his quarters.  He'd found the planet!  The one on which he'd build the First Order's Galactic Center.  Once he'd thought of it, it was so clearly the right choice that he'd made a trip there right away.   

Yavin-4 was perfect.   It was a beautiful planet – with green forests, picturesque mountains, and crystal clear lakes.  Rey would love it. His heart clenched.  She would see it, and would love it.  Of that he had no doubt.

In the weeks following their accidental nighttime connection, he'd felt a renewed vigour.  That night, he'd had the best night's sleep since she had left, and had felt calm, and once again centered in the Force when he'd awoken the next morning.   It was as if his spirit – and his hope - had been restored.  Not long afterward, he had thought of Yavin-4, and became excited to start planning and building.  For the First Order, and for her.

There was already a small training base there, located in a secluded area, surrounded by jungle.   It wouldn't be secluded by the time he was done with it.  Once he'd made up his mind, he immediately convened his Generals and explained his vision for the First Order's ground center of operations.   A few were skeptical of a ground base, as they felt it might be too vulnerable to attack.  However, after much debate they had agreed to proceed with what would be the First Order Galactic Center.  It would consist of an administrative center – essentially the governance hub, a training facility/base, and a residential area.  It would also have a state of the art defense system to ensure that it could be adequately protected and defended against attacks.

Kylo secretly thanked Hux's duplicity in some small way, as he had some ideas for the defense system that would be based on the design of the ventral cannon array.  It wouldn't be able to destroy any planets, but would be powerful enough to blast any battle cruisers from the sky.

He was ecstatic that they'd be moving forward with his vision.  He knew deep in his bones that this the best path forward for the First Order, and immediately began having plans drawn up.   Construction would begin shortly.

In terms of Rey, contingents of First Order staff were busy methodically searching the galaxy for her – their Lady.  They were diligently looking in every secluded corner for her, for any trace that she'd been seen.  Eventually he'd find her.  He just hoped it was sooner rather than later.   But if he had to wait years, he would.

Someone had to know where she was.  He'd tried contacting his mother several times over the past months, but she'd refused to take his calls.   At first, he was hurt.  Rey had told him that his mother had never lost faith in him, so her unwillingness to speak with him had crushed him.   He initially believed that Hux had struck the final blow in his relationship with her, and destroyed the last shred of her belief in him – that he wasn't a monster.  Lately, however, he had started to wonder if maybe she did know where Rey was, and that that was why she refused to speak with him.   If she knew, there was no way she'd be able to keep it from him if they saw or spoke to one another.  He began to strongly suspect that this was in fact the case.

He desperately needed to speak with his Mother, but didn't dare set foot on the Resistance Base for fear of starting all-out war.  He'd been lucky that it was Finn who had greeted him the last time, as any other Resistance member probably would've tried to blast him where he stood.   It wasn't that he was worried about himself, but he didn't want to do anything that would make Rey angrier at him.  And killing a few of her friends would probably do that.

Arriving at his quarters, he began pacing around, trying to think.  Somehow he had to get in touch with her, but had no idea how he was going to accomplish that.   Growling, he kicked a chair in frustration and paced around his quarters.  If only someone could speak to her for him – just to open the door – to arrange a meeting.   But there was no one.   Everyone who might be able to was either gone or part of the Resistance.   The only member of his "family" that was left was..... He stopped, an idea suddenly coming to him.  Could it work?  He thought.  Maybe.  If he could find a way to get in touch with him .....or to get in.  A hopeful smile spread across his face, a plan already coming together in his mind.