A/N - Hello my Reylo lovelies!  Sorry its been a few days since I've posted an update.  I'll try to get two chappies up for you tonight!  We're getting closer.... and warmer... :).  Please vote and feel free to send me some love or comments!

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Kylo strode through the doors to the command deck of the Finalizer, having just met with his Generals, minus one Armitage Hux.  Hux's unreported absence was a slight that Kylo would not let go, without at least a reprimand.

Seeing Hux in deep discussion with two lower ranked Officers, he headed over to have a little fun.   "General Hux."  Hux and the officers stiffened upon hearing his name, knowing who it was that was addressing him.  The two other officers quickly snuck away.

"Ah, Supreme Leader, to what do I owe the pleasure?"  Hux crooned falsely.

Trying to stay calm, Kylo just crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.  When Hux remained silent, Kylo spoke.  "I believe you missed our afternoon conference?  Why wasn't I informed of your absence?  Or did you forget?"

"Why Sir, I did no such thing!  I sent a message along with General Peavey to beg pardon for my absence."  Hux's voice was tinged with just enough incredulity to make his assertion suspect.

"Well, if that's true,"  Kylo's response dripped with sarcasm.  "Peavey failed to mention it."

Appearing to be taken aback, Hux's demeanor appeared to register shock. "Sir, I'll make sure I take the issue up with him."

Narrowing his eyes, Kylo was pointed in his response.   "I don't care what you do.  In future, I expect you to attend all meetings unless I have assigned you other duties or are dead – or close to it."  Hux's face turned into a mask of disdain.  "Is that clear General?"

"Of course, Supreme Leader."  Hux mumbled, looking down at the ground.

"Good.  Now, I'd like an update on the negotiations on Vandor-1 as well as the location of the Resistance.  You've had over a week."

Hux's face positively lit up at the Supreme Leader's question.  "Sir, it would appear that the Vandorians may have had a change of heart.  They seem to be falling into line."

"Good.   So no excessive military action will be required?  Hux, you must be crushed."  Kylo couldn't keep the hint of patronization out of his voice.

Hux's face went red.  "Well – the negotiations are still a bit tenuous.  There is still a possibility that more force will be required."

Kylo couldn't help but smirk.  "I see.  And the Resistance?"

This time, it was Hux's turn to smile evilly.  "Well, Sir, that was actually the reason for my absence this afternoon.   I am hunting down a new lead."

"I thought you said they were in the Bissillirus System?"  He said, arching his brow.

"That was a false lead."  grumbled Hux.   "However, we are fairly certain they are on the planet Lothal.  I'm just trying to get confirmation."

Drawing himself up to his full height, Kylo told him.  "General, I expect you to be 100% certain that that is their location before you come to me with a recommendation to attack.  I will not waste battle resources on wild bantha chases."

Clasping his hands behind his back, Hux studied the Supreme Leader briefly, before answering. "Yes, Supreme Leader."

"Dismissed."  Kylo told him, with a curt nod, before Hux turned and strode away.

Releasing a long breath, he thought.  I have to tell Rey, tonight.

**

When Kylo returned to his room, he went through his normal evening routine, which was a shower, comfortable clothes, and a meal.  He needed to talk to Rey about the impending attack, but he knew that she wanted to try visiting him tonight.   So, he'd give her some time.  If she didn't show up in the next few hours, he'd go to her.

Thinking about where they were in their relationship, if he could even call it that, and where they seemed to be quickly heading, made his heart pound in his chest.  He almost couldn't think about her anymore without instantly getting hard.   He knew they were both inexperienced in the physical side of things, but they seemed to be doing just fine so far, on instinct alone.

He was however, very nervous about taking things much further.  Of course, he knew how things worked, and would figure it out.  But he didn't want to bumble through their first experience at lovemaking.  He was sure that he would enjoy it regardless.  But when they got to that point, he wanted to give her a memorable experience.  Wanted her to enjoy it – to hear her moan, and come apart in his arms as she experienced pleasure, and to want more.  She deserved that, rather than a clumsy, blundering attempt at carnal love.

He sighed audibly, feeling very inadequate.  A man of his age shouldn't be so....uneducated, nevermind inexperienced, in matters of sex.  His mind drifted back to a few very explicit holovids the other teenage boys at Luke's academy used to watch during their free time.  His gut clenched.  Those were not happy memories.   Sometimes, he would watch over their shoulders in the dorm rooms, curious about those acts as all teenage boys generally are.  He also recalled their taunts.  Because of his brooding, unfriendly temperament, and his strength with the Force, they had often called him a weirdo.  But one of the times they noticed him watching, they cruelly told him that he would never have to worry about sex because girls would be too afraid to let him get anywhere near them.

Clenching his teeth, he took a deep breath and pushed those memories from his mind.  He would not let his inexperience get in the way of her enjoyment.  Lately he'd been fantasizing about all the things he wanted to do to her if she ever let him take her to bed.  Unfortunately he wasn't entirely sure that she would enjoy them, and if there were other things she might enjoy more instead.  Scrubbing a hand over his face in resignation, he figured that it probably couldn't hurt to do a little 'adult' research.  However, he felt foolish and more than a little 'dirty' about what he was about to do.  But he rationalized that in the end, it was for her, and he would do absolutely anything and everything - for her.

**

Rey sat cross-legged on her bed, trying to focus her mind.  She had unsuccessfully been trying to get the bond to connect for over an hour.  She became frustrated to the point that she couldn't find her focus, and was now trying to meditate to calm her mind.

Ben had made it sound so easy.  Just close her eyes, focus on his Force signature, and move toward it.  Initially, the focusing part was easy – she could usually feel his signature whenever she closed her eyes.  It seemed to be the 'moving toward it' part that she couldn't get.  Every time she thought it was starting to work, something would break her focus and poof! she'd have to start again.  Maybe she had been too excited at the thought of seeing him, at the prospect of being able to control when she saw him.

Ugh, she thought.   She was getting distracted again.   It was to the point that she almost didn't feel the bond connect – but when she did her heart leapt.  Did I do it?  she thought?  But I wasn't even trying...

When she opened her eyes, she was still in her own quarters, with Ben standing a few paces in front of her bed.   Growling, she hopped off the bed and took two strides toward him, frustratedly speaking as she moved.  "Ugh!  I've been trying to connect for over an hour and it hasn't been working!"

Ben stopped her with a finger to her lips, wrapping his arms around her and drawing her close. She let out a deep sigh, feeling instantly calmer in his arms.  In his mind he said  'Hi Sweetheart.' He immediately heard her  'Hi back.'   Leaning back a bit, he placed his hand on her cheek and gave her a soft kiss.   "Better?"  he asked.

"Better."  She quietly replied.  "I didn't expect it to be so....difficult.  You made it sound so easy."

He chuckled at her.  "It would seem that you may need some practice in calming your mind."

She let out a frustrated sound.  "It would seem that way."

"It doesn't matter.  I'm here now.  We'll work on it and it'll come to you eventually."  

She nodded and snuggled closer into his embrace with another sigh.   "I missed you."

Her quiet admission caused warmth to bloom in his chest, but still he told her on a chuckle,  "We saw each other not 10 hours ago."  He felt her squirm a bit in his arms, and realized that that may have sounded wrong to her.  Leaning down, he took her chin in his hand and looked into her eyes. "But I missed you too."

A smile spread on her face, and she leaned up to kiss him.  Recalling the events of the afternoon, she pulled out of his arms.   "Hey, did you do that?"  she asked, pointing to the purple bruise on her neck, trying to sound a bit put off.

His eyes widened when he saw it.  "I'm not sure.  Maybe?"  Taking a closer look at it, he felt a surge of – something – rush through him.  He had marked her.

Whatever he was feeling had clearly shown on his face and through the bond, because she suddenly poked him in the chest.  "Hey – don't go all male on me!  This seems to give you some weird sense of satisfaction or pride, but I would prefer not having to explain these away to my friends.  They were the ones who noticed, by the way."

He looked at her sheepishly.  "Sorry.   I didn't mean to do that."  Looking at it again, he asked. "So, what did you tell them?"

"I told them that I didn't know what it was, but that it was probably a bug bite."  She shrugged. "But Rose was looking at me oddly, so I'm a little worried they might think that I was trysting with Poe."

At this, his entire demeanour changed.  His posture stiffened and anger was clearly written on his face.  "And why would they think that?"  he asked, pointedly.  The pilot was definitely a continuing sore spot with him.

Reaching out, she placed a hand on his chest to calm him.  "Well.  It would seem that Poe may have a thing for me...".

She could feel the raw anger almost explode in him, through the bond.  "I knew it!"  he ranted. "He's always hanging around you!  Trying to get close to you!  Touching you!!"  he sucked in a breath, trying to calm himself.

"Ben, please calm down.  I can't control how other people feel.   I've never given him any encouragement, or any reason to think I feel the same way.  If anything, over the past few weeks, I've tried to discourage him a bit, since I started to suspect he felt that way."

He clenched his fists and took a few more breaths to calm himself.  "And may I ask how his 'affections' were confirmed to you?"

This was going to be bad.   She knew it.  How was she going to tell him that Poe kissed her? Fortunately, or not, she didn't have to, as he sensed her thoughts through the bond.  She immediately felt the surge of white hot rage across her mind, followed by possessiveness and a tinge of fear and hurt, as he practically roared  "HE KISSED YOU??!!"

He immediately started to pace around her room, and she could feel his urge to destroy something, to hurt someone – namely Poe.  "Ben, please, you're scaring me."  she pleaded. Walking over to him, she wrapped herself around him and held on tightly.  "I told him that I didn't feel that way about him.  That I only saw him as a brother."  She could feel him shudder as he tried to rid himself of the anger – the rage – that was threatening to overtake him.  She captured his face in her hands and looked deeply into his eyes.  "Ben, there is only one man who has captured my attention.  And he has captured it so thoroughly that he could be in a crowd and I'd only see him."

His eyes reflected awe and more than a little disbelief at her confession.  They both moved towards one another and brushed their lips together lightly.  The first touch of their lips was soft, and sweet.  The second a little longer, and a little more demanding.   By the third, all they could feel was heat.  Rey's fingers twined in the hair at the back of his neck, and her nails gently scraped his scalp.  Ben wrapped his arms around Rey and dragged her over to the bed and onto his lap.  The kiss deepened even more at this, and quickly became carnal, as they both began to explore each other's mouths with tongues and teeth.  Both became desperate to get closer to one another, hands roaming and plucking at their clothes.  At one point, Rey nipped Ben's lip, which caused him to groan and buck his hips.  Rey wasn't straddling him, but she could feel the hard length pressing against the side of her thigh.  Heat pooled in her belly, and seeped down between her thighs.

His hands roamed under her sleeping shirt - over her back and her hips, and back up her sides. As he moved a bit higher, his thumb grazed her bare breast and she moaned into his mouth.  His hips bucked again, and he broke the kiss and leaned his forehead back onto hers to calm things down a bit.  They were both breathing heavily, and their arms were still wrapped around each other.

"Wow."  He said quietly, his breath rasping out.

Rey smiled, eyes still closed  "Definitely wow."  A beat of silence passed, and she opened her eyes.   "It isn't always like this, is it?   I...I don't really know anything about this....kissing and stuff."  She dared not mention her experience with Poe again, whose kiss had felt awkward and weird to her.

He just laughed. "Rey, after everything I told you about Snoke ruling my mind for all of those years, do you really think I had any opportunity – any thought, to kiss anyone?"

She smiled at him sadly, and brought her hand up to stroke his cheek.  "No, I suppose not."

His eyes flared briefly and she could feel a touch of anger flow to her through the bond. "No!  I've already asked you once!  Don't do that!  DO NOT PITY ME!!"

She immediately regretted it. "I.  I'm sorry...".

He sighed and shook his head before he spat. "I suppose I should be thankful that Snoke held such strong beliefs about lust.  I shudder to think what he could have and would have done if he didn't.  He undoubtedly would have used it as a tool to further my lessons in darkness and domination, by throwing countless women in front of me to terrorize - sexually.   And that certainly would have been many, many more horrors to add to the tally that I already have to live with."

She was still looking at him with incredibly sad eyes, and now felt a bit awkward sitting on his lap.  His tone was still harsh when he pulled back from her a little more and said.  "I could pity you too!  Growing up all alone on a shitty, desert planet.   No one to look out for you, no one to trust, no one to make you feel special, no one to kiss.... But I don't!  Yes, your life was sad and shitty, but you SURVIVED.  And it made you strong.  So no, I don't pity you.  I admire you."

Rey was stunned.  She could feel that Kylo had emerged and had initially been trying to hurt her by saying those things, but that's not how it ended up coming out.  He admired her?  She, who was nothing, who came from nothing – like he said all those months ago.  "Ben...I...I don't know what to say.".

He took a calming breath and gently pulled her closer, tucking her face into his neck.  "Rey, you are the strongest person I know.  Not only did you overcome all of that, but you have the Force, and even though you are untrained,  you have learned to wield it so powerfully in such an amazingly short period of time.  You can do so much already, but you still have so much more to learn.   I think about your potential, and it gives me chills.  I have to admit that I am also a little jealous.   I trained my whole life, and yet you've almost caught up to me already."  He shook his head.   "I think you could become one of the most powerful Force users in history.  I was completely serious when I said I wanted to train you.   I still do."

Again, she was taken aback, but was now trying to understand his motives.  "You still want to train me?  For what purpose?  So I will turn to the Dark Side?"

"No.  No.  Maybe that's what I wanted at first, when Snoke was still in my head, but that's not what I want anymore...".

She looked him dead in the eye and asked "So, what do you want?".

His gut clenched.  They were clearly growing closer and closer, but had skirted around where their connection, their relationship – might ultimately lead.

He couldn't tell her.  Couldn't tell her about his vision.  That would probably just scare her.   But at this moment, that is what truly drove him.

His vision.... It showed him that they could be together, could maybe have a future, a family. There wasn't much beyond that.  He had of course seen them fighting together in the Throne Room.  But he could also see another vision.   One in which Rey was pregnant, with his hand resting on her belly.  He couldn't even see her face clearly – but it was definitely her.  When he first saw the visions the night they touched hands on Ahch To, he was still so consumed with his anger and hatred that he had just assumed that Rey would have to turn to the Dark Side in order for them to come true.  It wasn't until much later – after Anakin's visit - that he realized that there was nothing in either of them to indicate that she in fact had turned.   Only that they were together.

In many ways, he was terrified that it wouldn't come true, and in others, terrified that it would...but he just.... wanted her. In every way possible.....   Wanted her with him, to talk to and share his days.  Wanted her body, and the intimacy between them.  Wanted a family with her.  Wanted her to be the center of his world.  All of that, if fate and the Force allowed it.

But he knew that the vision was unlikely to really come true.   Things like that didn't happen to people like him.  He was a monster.  He had killed – probably thousands – and harmed many more.  Gods, he fucking killed his own father!   He didn't deserve the happiness he was hoping for.  Didn't even deserve the little slice of happiness he was getting right now, with Rey on his lap, in his arms...

He finally answered her, skirting her real question.  "I... I'm not sure.   Like I've told you before, I want to help transform the First Order into a modern authoritarian organization that doesn't completely rule through fear.   Make the galaxy a better place. Other than that, I don't really know."

She felt that there was more to it than that, felt that he was holding something back, but that he was unwilling to tell her what it was.  Deciding not to press the issue, she stroked her hand over his cheek and remained silent.

He took a deep breath and looked down at the floor.   "I'm a terrible person Rey.  You know I've done heinous things.  I killed my own father!"  He let her go and raked his hands through his hair, clenching his fingers in it – the pain helping to distract from the ache in his soul.  "I have to live with these things for the rest of my life.  I barely sleep at night anymore, because I keep reliving all of them.  In addition to my father – whose murder I literally replay in my head every single night, I revisit hundreds of different crimes and victims, and usually wake up nauseous and terrified.  In many ways, I slept better when Snoke was still in my head, because I didn't feel the same remorse, the same guilt for my actions that I do now."  He shook his head in disgust.

Taking another deep breath, he went on.  "I've been thinking a lot more, about everything, about my choices and how they led me to the Dark side, and realized that even if my parents hadn't sent me to my Uncle, that I probably still would have ended up with Snoke."  His shoulders slumped, and he was staring, transfixed, into nothing.  "He had me so twisted and wrapped up in lies that I probably would have eventually murdered my parents in their sleep.   So I guess I should be thankful that I only murdered one parent and not both."  he paused to think for a minute.  "But I've accepted the fact that my destiny to be Kylo Ren was preordained."

She reached her hands out to his face and tipped it up to meet her eyes.  She knew what it must have cost him to admit those things to her. "You are not a terrible person.  Kylo Ren was a terrible monster – Ben Solo is not."

His eyes darkened and his face hardened before he spoke. "Rey!  I know you call me Ben, and you're the only person whom I would ever let do that.  But you talk like Kylo Ren is dead – and he's not!  Rey, I AM KYLO REN!!  I don't want you to go on believing that I am someone I am not – so that you can forget or live with all the things I've done!  You need to accept that Ben Solo is dead – Kylo Ren lives.  He is me."

Her eyes softened and she just shook her head at him. "Who are you trying to convince – me?  Or yourself?"  She shook her head again and sighed. "Would Kylo Ren treat me the way you do? Would he have treated me the way you did when I came to you while dreaming, or would he have taken advantage of me – and just taken what he wanted?  Kylo Ren never listened, never considered, and would certainly never concede a point!"

She growled in frustration as she went on. "Ok, so maybe Kylo Ren isn't completely dead.   I accept that.  He lives within you – and probably always will, to some extent.   Rest assured, I have not, will not, forget the things that you've done as Kylo Ren.  However, seeing the person you're trying to become, and the changes you're trying to make has allowed me to forgive you for those things.  But I will never forget them."

He stared at her, aghast.   "You.... forgive me?"

"I do.  It doesn't excuse your actions, but you're not that person anymore."  She absentmindedly brushed several stray locks of hair out of his eyes, giving him a small smile. "Everyone deserves a second chance if they're willing to change.  And despite what you think or say, there were reasons why you made your choices.  Unfortunate, terrible reasons.   But you'll drive yourself insane if you try to separate yourself into two.  Why live a split life, where Kylo Ren is your dark half and Ben Solo the light?  Why not just acknowledge that Ben Solo has both – just like I have both – but admittedly not quite as much Dark as you do – and live as Ben Solo?"  Her hands were still on his face, her eyes fixed on his.

He placed his palm over one of her hands and touched his forehead to hers.  "Because Ben Solo isn't the Supreme Leader of the First Order. Kylo Ren is.  And the galaxy, and the First Order, still need Kylo Ren."

She sighed in resignation. "And that's what it really comes down to, doesn't it?"

"Yes.  I already told you.  I'm in too deep.   If I left, the First Order would bring chaos to the galaxy. And on top of that, I don't really want to leave.  I have no place anywhere else, don't belong anywhere else.  I can try to do some good.  Can you not see?  It's the only way that I could even start to atone for all that I've done....".  With that, he let out a shuddering breath, and wrapped his arms around her once again.

A/N - This chapter was starting to get long - so I split it into two.