Yep, the part title is like that because I am contemplating after I read about Fluffy's struggle on something that is a sensitive issue and I just found myself staring at the last page of it for minutes; couldn't speak my thoughts about it.

For me, knowing some of my friends here having problems without knowing it until it was full-blown, it felt to me like I am a bad person.

I mean like a really really bad person.

Back at the other book, I said:
"Even if were not related, even if I didn't ever see your face, I do care for you."

Yeah, I do care but...

I felt like I am a total failure to do that thing called 'caring' to others. I let them drown on depression. I let them be eaten by their own insecurities. I fail them hard core.

Okay, I get it, its personal stuff and probably I am not in the position to say something bout that but to see the growing progress of self-doubt on Fluffy makes me think:

"Why I let a person be like that. I promised to look after them but... I was caught off guard when one particular day I read Fluffy's problem. I became useless for them as their older sister. Or just I 'assumed' that I'll be the older sister they could count on...."

While I'm typing this, I felt some strangeness in me. I know it's pretty odd that I was staring into space for no apparent reason because I am not like that most of the time. Another thing is I can't smile anymore even if I am reading some funny books; it doesn't help to erase those thoughts of why am I became a bad sister to them.

Maybe after I became silent the entire November because of a seriously personal issue, no one really cares bout me now, they don't really need me anymore. No message even if a single 'hi'. It just adds to the fact that looking after them was a total bust for me.

No one is to blame but myself. I assumed too much. I expected so much. Now, I'm questioning my existence here at Wattpad. Why am I here anyway?

I am resisting to leave here so many times, just for those persons who doesn't smell why I became silent these days, because I know that if I get lost, they'll be swinging off the direction and maybe they'll forget me. Just another sunny day had passed. But today...

I don't know anymore what to type....

I do not know what to say just to make things less harsh.....

I'm keeping my concerns to them so badly, I am still containing it even if it is killing myself slowly.

I really don't have a heart. Dang it.

But for the sake of something I'll stay a bit longer; I'll just need to complete some tasks and events here before I go. I need to finish judging an event and some several materials.

You can burn me all you want but its all I want to tell. You just making me feel more silently furious.

I hope the next parts won't be as confusing like this.

I just really can't post my opinions about it at Fluffy's book. I'm sorry.

I apologise if you see the Secretary in this kind of state, I'm just really found myself staring into thin air.