I close my eyes tightly, unwilling for another tear to come out. It's as if the aftermaths is worse than the actual moment. When that bullet hit her, my mind just blanked. I couldn't feel any sort of emotion during that moment.

I just blanked.

It was as if my heart didn't exist. It took me so long to pierce the fact my best friend - the one that's supported me for so long - is dead. She won't ever have her perfect wedding or see her parents. She'll never be here for my own wedding, she won't ever be involved in any of my milestones ever again despite having such a huge hand in all of them.

Despite my protests, another tear pour outs of my eyes. I crumple the pillow, breathing onto it. Even with my eyes open, all I can see is darkness. I grip the white pillow as tightly as I can until all the blood runs out of my hand.

All it took was one bullet. One small bullet to take her soul away, leaving nothing beside an useless body with no owner.

This all feels so surreal. Tina. It's as if she'll walk in here, laugh with me until I feel better. We'll watch some crappy romantic comedy that she insisted on and she'll make terrible jokes to make bearable.

Whenever I got upset, Tina would know. She just knows from the way I hold myself, from my tone to even my clothes. After all, we were childhood friends. And it's even worse to realize she's always been there in these moments. She would hug me, talk to me, buy me chocolates and I would do the same for her.

I can still remember us as kids, joking laughing about my crush never giving the time of the day to me (I don't even think he knew my name) and the way her eyes crinkled up before she bursts into silent giggles where her shoulders move up and down. I still remember the night she broke up with her first girlfriend ad how we spent the whole night eating chocolate ice cream as she cried into my lap.

And now, she's gone?

Even using her name in past tense stings so much. I can't imagine her being alive now, all I can see is her waxy skin, her lifeless eyes, the way her hair spread out on the floor and how the blood dyed her black hair a dark shade of red.

My stomach turns over, rembering how much blood came out of her skin and how it left her with nothing. Nothing was left of her. Her smile, the brightness of her eyes are all replaced with emptiness and a hollowness where it should be. Her tan skin got replaced by a pale shade, easily resembling a sheet of paper. Everything that made Tina seem so bright and beautiful got replaced by a never ending hollowness within a moment.

I hear a loud slam, somewhat simular to my door. Loud footsteps echo in the hallway. My gut twists once again, reminding me of how Tina is dead because of me. Amir wanted me - Tina was a spare. And if Amir wanted to get me that badly to the point he'll barge into my office means my home means little to him.

I get up. My hand lies idle on my pillow and my feet touch the floor. I still sit on the bed, unwilling to get up due to the way my head spins. All the words I can hear in my mind is words of hatred for the man walking down this very hallway.

I probably look like a mess. My eyelashes are clumped together with tear stains, tear streaks run down my red cheeks, my nose is red and I can't breathe through my nose, so every breath I take is from my mouth.

My monotonous breathing sounds loud and it falls into sync with the high heels walking on the floor. My heart drops, realizing it's not Amir but most likely to be Matsya. I would have preferred to see Amir - at least he would just shoot me and get it done with. Anything is better than this pain.

My heart drums loudly and my gaze falls onto the carpeted floor of mine. I don't bother to wipe away my tears, I would rather let Matsya see the mess she caused than let her think everything is okay.

Her heels appear in my sight of vision first and I trail them upwards, my eyes pausing on her eyes. They're red as well. "Nirvaan," she says, taking a step closer to me.

I crumple my bedsheet in my hands and slide back into the bed. I don't know what to do. Do I let all this pent up anger out? Do I cry again, do I ask her to go or what? Do I tell her that ever since she's come in my life, she's given nothing but pain?

"She's dead."

My eyes lock onto Matsya's, hers filled with sadness while mine are filled with anger. "I shouldn't have even talked to you. I should have known that," I say, knowing how emotionless my eyes are and go much anger is filled in my voice. "And now, Amir is probably after me as well. Great."

"I've made Amir promise -"

"Did you not see how well that turned out last time?" I comment. She takes a step foward, her eyes burdened with eyes that hold more pain than it did yesterday. "Let Amir kill me. He can do whatever he wants. I don't care."

"Nirvaan!" she says, her eyes widening. I get off the bed, my hands letting go off the grip I had on my sheets. "You can't - what was the point of Tina dying then -"

"There wasn't a point to her death! Her death wasn't meant to happen. There was no reason why she needed to go, there's no meaning behind it. Tina is simply dead because of this!"

"What does this mean?" If effected by my harsh words, she didn't show it. Her eyes remain the shade of pain and she takes a step closer to me.

She's closer to me now, her body only a few centimetres out of reach. My hand holds her, tracing its way to her wrist until I hold her hand. "This. This is the problem and it'll always be," I finally say, my voice soft. I let go of her arm. "It's whatever we have between us, this connection."

The sparks that fly between us when we touch. The fact you seem to understand me so well. It's as if we were two lost pieces of a toy. We didn't know how much we needed each other until we met each other and when we did, everything made so much sense.

I let the words linger in my mouth, unwilling to say it out loud to her. I can't let her know how much I want her even after this. It's better to keep that a secret. Today is our last goodbye, our final farewell.

Even if Amir dies in some hole, I wouldn't ever go back to Matsya. I don't care if I'm never happy again - she's the reason why Tina is dead.

"Tina is dead because of you. If I never met you, none of this would have happen," I confided. "None of this would have happened. Tina would be alive, I would be happy, I would be safe and everyone I know would be as well."

"But -" she protests, her words fading away with the glare I shoot her. My eyes are dark, almost as angry as my voice sounds. I can't afford to loose this battle. I can't let Matsya still be in my life. "I'm sorry."

Her eyes are filling themselves with tears, getting fuller within the moment. She smiles at me when she sees that I'm watching her eyes and wipes a hand over her brown eyes. Like magic, the tears disappear and a fake smile appears in her lips, one that doesn't quite reach her eyes.

I feel like reaching out to her, holding her and hugging her until she finally drops this facade. It hurts seeing her like this, seeing her eyes hold so much pain.

But somehow, I feel like she deserves it. She's the one who let Tina die. I close my eyes, unwilling for tears to come out with her name. Every time I mention Tina's name, it's as if another blade is being stabbed into my heart and plunged out causally.

Either way, when I open my eyes, tears pool in them. Matsya notices, her forehead creasing in worry before she goes back into her fake smile. She's most likely realised how much this hurts me despite how tough I've tried to act.

"I guess this is goodbye?" she asks, her tone upbeat and happy although her eyes held a different story. I glance to the floor, nodding my head. I can't look at her anymore, it'll just make me want her more and I can't do that to my heart. It's enough. I can't love someone who gives me so much pain, I'll rather say goodbye.
Goodbyes hurt so much.

It's even worse since I don't know what to feel. Shouldn't I be angry? If I didn't meet her, Tina would be alive? If I'm angry, I'm angry at myself. How could I do this to myself? I willingly fell in love with her, even when I knew she was another name for danger.

There was so many warnings and I didn't look at any of them. I didn't even attempt to make my heart beat slower or will it to stop desiring her so much.

Look at where it lead me. Look at the pain it bought me.

Her heels click against the floor again and I watch her black heels rather than her eyes. I bite my lip, unwilling to call her name out. I'll make a deal with my heart; I'll look at her one last time to memorize her eyes in trade for never saying her name again.

My eyes trail up but they linger at her ankles where a purple bruise lies. My mouth opens slightly in shock and I realize it must be Amir. Matsya's back is facing me and I move forward a few steps. "Matsya," I call out. As if on que, she spins around with her eyes widen and filled with hope. In a moment, they fade out.

I point to the bruise, my eyebrow raising at it. "How did you get it?" I question. With my question, Matsya takes a step back and shakes her head.

"It doesn't matter - "

"Yes, it does. Matsya, I care about you. I don't want you to be with Amir especially if he's hurting you," I blurt out, speaking as quickly as I can. "Matsya, please. Promise me if he's hurting you, you'll leave him."

"Why do you even care so much? In five minutes I'll be gone, out of your life permanently," Matsya remarks, her eyes filling themselves with sadness as she shakes her head. "It doesn't matter any more."

"Seperation doesn't mean I will stop caring about you. What even happened?" I say, attempting to change the topic away from my feelings. Whenever we discuss my feelings for Matysa, I'm afraid of asking her to stay again.

"I found out about his plans to kill you," she admits, her eyes downcast. "I went and yelled at him which was a complete mistake. He tied me down in the warehouse and made sure someone was always stand guard. I only managed to leave because the person standing guide at that time went to back up Amir."

I take her wrist in my hand again, watching her wince as I touch it. This time, I look closely and I realise there's slight hints of makeup. The color is slight purple and it's suddenly obvious that it's rope burn. "You're going back to that monster?" I point out in disgust, my eyes widening with worry. Matsya snatches her wrist out of my grasp, letting it fall beside her waist.

"What other option do I have?" she asks me, her eyes watching mine. My heart drops, falling once again and I don't know what to feel. Sympathy? Pain?

Pain. I can feel pain. It feels like someone tossed my heart agaisnt a window, shattering it against thousands of pieces of glass where each one stings and cuts it even further. I don't want Matsya to go through all this pain yet I do. She got herself into it and then dragged me and an unknowing Tina into it.

It doesn't feel right to blame her. It doesn't at all but my mind can either blame myself or blame her.

"Run away," I mutter, my eyes trailing her wrist carefully. The bruises become painstakingly more obvious the longer I stare at it. My mind conquers up an image of Matsya gagged and tied up to a chair all because of her attempts to save me.

"What?" she says, her eyes watching mine with curiousty. I take a step closer to her so there's no more space left between us and it'll only take me to lean down to kiss her once again.

"Run away. Just us two minus Amir, Diego and everyone else. We'll start over again, pretend to have met in a normal way and live a causal life without all of this drama," I repeat, explaining my idea to her again.

Having the words out in the air sounds so impossible yet real at the same time. There's a possibility that we can start again and a large possibility of our past catching up again. Matsya shakes her head no. My heart sinks once again although I already knew her answer would be no.

Her arms wrap themselves around me, bringing her closer until I can smell her perfume and I'm ensured she can her my rapid heartbeat slowing down until it matches with her breathes. I hug her back, taken back by the unexpected gesture.

After a moment or two, she takes a step back away from me and I take one more away from her. We watch each other, possibly for the last time and take in each other's features and traits once more. It's as if all the breath in my lungs is being knocked out, as if I'm running out of time but I don't know how.

Matsya suddenly takes another step to me, her hands holding onto my shoulder and I kiss her lips once more. I've convinced myself it's our last kiss, that I'll end it within a moment but I can't. My hands find its way her waist, holding onto it even after she leans away from my lips. She's still in my arms, her hips leaning against a cage made out of my arms.

"Why does it have to be like this?" she says, her eyes searching mine perhaps for an answer. Instead, she meets silence. "I can't do this whole seperation thing."

"And you can't even try out running away," I comment with a sour taste in my mouth. Her brown eyes meet mine and she looks over all my feature, letting them watch me with such an intensity and wishful thinking.

"How fast do you think it'll take us to get out of here?"

□

THIS WAS SO LOMG IM CRYING AND AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

How was the chapter? Please try to give me feedback or a sentence worth more than seven words (it'll be nice if it has a flaw about my writing xD) I kind of realized that this chapter I pretty simular to the chapter before the last one - is it?

Anyways the upcoming chapters are going to be super fun to write and I hope they're great to read as well!

Also I wrote this two weeks ago and I forgot to edit and publish it until now lmao what am I doing?

ALSO DOES ANYONE KNOW ANY GOOD CRITICS?? OR IS SOMEONE WILLING TO CRITIQUE MY WORK?

okay bye!

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- Maya.