Chapter thirty-four | More Than Mommy Issues
Chapter thirty-four | More Than Mommy Issues
Eli was in a daze. Unresponsive to the world around him, he kept his eyes focused on his wringing hands.
With a sigh, I leaned over to his side and unbuckled his seat belt.
"Eli, we are home," I softly whispered, shaking his shoulder lightly.
His icy eyes met mine, and the message in them was clear. He didn't want to be alone right now.
I got out of the car, hauling my backpack over my shoulders.
Opening his side of the door, I carefully tugged him out of the seat.
Eli's eye held a faraway look as he relived today's mess again and again. It was heartbreaking to see him like this, but this was the result of his own doing.
And maybe mine.
I had to drag him up the stairs as his mind refused to register anything.
Making him sit on my bed, I moved to close my door. Over the small slip of space, my eyes met my sister's as she peeked inside curiously.
An impish smile curled on her face, but she didn't say anything. Resuming her way, she walked down the steps.
I shook my head at the possibilities Lea must be brewing in her head and locked the door.
Taking a seat next to him, I got his hand in mine. Lightly tugging on his arm, I tried to gain his attention. "Eli, talk to me."
He didn't respond and kept staring at the floor.
The silence between us was heavy and suffocating, making me gulp at the awkwardness.
I couldn't handle the thick coil of stress around our necks and spoke up.
My attempt at dissipating silence shocked me too.
"I know how it feels, Eli. The anger, disappointment, and frustration of being the cause of ending something beautiful."
Slowly, his eyes met mine as I let my pain show. He didn't say anything, just waited for me to continue.
Taking a shuddering breath, I calmed my nerves. Tears threatened to pour out of my eyes, but I held them back.
"My mom and dad met in college. Actually, my mom was the one in college and Dad was in his pilot training."
My mind went back to the story Dad had recited me way too many times on my requests, even if the words brought nothing but pain for him.
Eli was giving me a confused look, not getting where this was flowing, but thankfully, he kept his silence.
"A few months into dating, Mom ended up pregnant," I paused heaving a heavy sigh. "It put a full stop on her aspiring modeling career, but she didn't mind. She just loved Dad and Azalea too much."
My breath hitched at the last part.
She loved dad and Azalea too much, not me.
I could feel my shoulder's visibly slumped as my eyes got fixed on my fidgeting fingers.
"Dad got a job, married mom, and brought up Lea. It was smooth sailing, a perfect little family. While Mom took up some basic designing courses against her family's wishes, Dad was usually gone for months due to his job."
I turned my head to meet Eli's eyes as I spoke my next words cautiously.
"Dad was still new in the commercial flight area when Mom got pregnant with me. He wasn't there as much as he was at the time Azalea was born, and grandma, from Mom's side, died around six months before that."
"The pregnancy was hard for her. Not physically, but mentally." I took in a harsh breath as tears turned my eyes glassy. "After that delivery, she slipped into the PPD."
Eli's eyebrows pinched together in confusion. "PPD?"
I couldn't control the light sob that escaped my lips and wrapped my arms around his chest. He welcomed me warmly in his embrace, reciprocating my gesture.
My tears stained my cheeks and turned his shirt wet as I tried to control my spiraling thoughts.
"Postpartum depression," I croaked out. "Mom was in depression, right after she gave birth to me. Dad wasn't home that much to notice the signs."
"She was spiraling down as her smiles dimmed, and her eyes turned less lively. She could never muster affection for me, no matter what."
Eli opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. I shook my head and tightened my arms around his body.
"First on, Dad thought that she was tired or something, but as time passed, he couldn't help but notice her lack of maternal instincts for me. It scared him a lot. So, deciding to act on it, he got her into therapy. That's where she was diagnosed with PPD."
"Cynthia, you seriously can't be blaming yourself for what happened to your mom? It wasn't in your hands," Eli tried to calm me, but I didn't listen to a word he said.
"When I said that I ruined my parent's marriage, I meant it. Eli. She left the house because of me. Even with therapy, she could never bring herself to love me," I got out in harsh sobs.
Eli silently wiped my tears as I let my emotions and words flow.
"Mom left the house when I was almost eleven. She left our primary custody with Dad, saying that she couldn't love a man who was rarely there and look after a daughter she didn't love. Till this day, she can't see me as her daughter."
"I am sure it was her depression speaking," Eli tried to reassure me.
"This is the reason why Lea hates me, Eli. I ruined her perfect family. Maybe she is right. I am after all the trigger for their ruined relationship. They were so much in love, but it went downhill after I was born. It's my fault."
Eli slightly jolted my shoulders, making me meet his icy eyes. The light blues were spitting fire as his face formed a dark expression.
"None of this is your fault, Cynthia. Depression is not something you can handle or cause. So, don't you dare blame yourself for something you never had a hand in."
It was hard to believe his words, no matter how sincerely he spoke them.
When you had spent years watching something through a small hole, it was hard to take in the bright light.
"I should be the one to reassure, not you," I joked, sniffling lightly.
Eli took the bait of my change of topic and rolled his eyes.
The sadness on his face returned.
"No need for that. I was the one who inflicted an injury, not them," he whispered.
"Oh, so he can be poetic too," I teased, making him blush.
Somehow that faint glow of pink filled my heart with reassurance. Maybe the old Eli was still there inside of him.
Silence hung in the air as we clung to each other. Our minds were in faraway places as we weren't able to get words out.
"I-I need to apologize to them. I can't believe I said that," Eli whispered in shock.
I hummed lightly in response and buried my head in the crook of his neck. "You should. They care a lot about you." I paused for emphasis, making him gulp.
"But give it some time. Let their anger dissipate too. It would be impossible to talk when either of you is angry."
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