Feelings.

they creep up on me throughout my day

but when I need them, they vanish

when her screams echo in my ears, begging for a reaction, my face remains stony and not one tear falls

sometimes when screaming turns to slaps and scratches, I don't fight back for who would hit their mother?

even then, when I feel my tears bubbling, I force myself to stay cold

tears are a weakness I cannot show

let her scream

let her beat me to death

I will not be the one to show her I am hurting

she tells me she suffers because of me but I will not be the one to tell her:

I suffer more

the blood I spit in the sink as the aftermath does not compare to the blood leaking from my heart

black and venomous

poisoning me from the inside as I retreat further into myself

into the monster, I am now

she denies that she is the one who made me what i am now

her words and her anger

the anger I face every day

the anger that does little to faze me anymore

I have no shred of care left in this shrivelled up body of mine

I try time and time again to grasp at my humanity

but it lays just beyond my reach

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