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It's a cruel, Cruel Summer, leaving me here on my own. Now you're gone.
Bananarama.

This can't possibly end well...

Thursday, 7:30 am.

Nick finished his coffee while I ironed my work shirt. "Ray, are you still going to fuck both of your girlfriends tonight?"

I fiddled with my tie. "C'mon, Nick. Tracy's...she's not really my..."

He snickered at my exasperation. It was the fifth time Nick had given Tracy that title, just to mess with me.

"Ok, whatever, Nick. Yes, unless Tracy pisses me off, or Alice tells me she loves me."

Nick's eyes widened. "Alice hasn't said it yet? It was obvious the first time I met her. Wait, does she have some kind of problem?"

I shrugged. "I don't really know her that well. Maybe her last boyfriend hurt her, and she's cautious."

Nick said, "What do you mean, you don't know her very well? You talk on the phone all the time."

It was a good question. Alice and I were both quiet, introverted people, and only saw each other about three times a month. On most of our dates, we ate, drank, listened to music and danced, all without saying much. Afterwards, we did affectionate and loving stuff, then usually had sex for an hour or two. I would either go home after cuddling, or spend the night at her apartment. When we talked on the phone, it was mostly about our workdays, because we both had interesting things happen every day. We seldom talked about our pasts, futures, families, or beliefs.

How did I miss the shallowness of our relationship? Once Tracy's gone, I should fix that...

Ashamed, I answered, "Uhh, we talk about work."

Nick laughed, "Work? So, you told her all about Tracy and Wendy?"

I became indignant. "Nick, my job is more than just playing with the girls."

Nick said, "Really? You feel your employees' tits every single day. Does Alice know about that?"

Women at the restaurant rubbed their breasts on me, both accidentally and deliberately. It was usually momentary, but frequently lingered, sometimes blatantly. Tight quarters gave the contact plausible deniability, but none of us took care to avoid it. Most of the time I ignored the stimulation. However, I occasionally thanked the women, which either made them stop, or do it more.

If it was a woman I liked, I would often move my arm a couple inches closer as an invitation for their fleshy delights. I hated to make the comparison of fish and bait, but it was just like that.

Tracy never bothered with breast play, just made loving eyes and touched me affectionately while passing by. Everyone knew about us, so we had no need for secrecy.

I undid my tie knot to start over. "Alright, I get your point."

Nick shook his head. "You really shouldn't try this, but good luck if you do. I think you're going to fuck it all up. You always fuck it all up."

He's not wrong...

"Thanks, Nick. Oh, by the way, I'm going to Pick-A-Part with you early tomorrow to get a radiator for your truck. That's what I'm telling Alice when she asks why I'm leaving."

There were no YouTube instructional videos on cheating in 1984, so going to the junkyard was the best alibi I could come up with.

Nick protested, "No, Ray, that's not right. I don't want to be involved."

I waved goodbye. "Thanks, Nick. I knew I could count on you!"

3:30 pm.

My workday mercifully passed without incident, as I had more than enough stress. Tracy's shift didn't start until five pm, but at four I started getting nervous and decided to cancel unless Tracy seemed enthusiastic.

At four-thirty, her friend Anna pulled me aside. "Señor Ray! Tracy told me you're going out tonight. I'm so happy she finally found someone right for her. You're the only man I ever approved of, and I know you will be good to her. Tracy loves you so much, and I can see you love her too. Su Amor!"

Anna was a rotund middle age Mexican woman who had been at the restaurant for at least ten years, and had her finger on the pulse of the gossip dragon. When she gave me that speech, I realized she was also the store matchmaker. It slightly bothered me, because Anna had pried out everything about Alice on my second day at the restaurant, specifically that marriage didn't seem to be in our near future.

She could also be a resource for me. "Anna, what was Tracy like before I came here?"

Few things made me feel more alive than when I first realized a woman was attracted to me. Anna seemed to have the same reaction when people sought gossip from her.

"Oh, Guapo, she was so sad and dark for such a long time. You brought her light back!"

I knew Anna was puffing me up, but I let her continue.

"Ray, Tracy has big dreams, but she's really scared. She told me you make her feel brave."

That was ridiculous. Either or both of these women were living in a fantasy world. I made women feel sexual pleasures, confusion, pain, dismay, and sometimes love. I couldn't imagine any woman would become brave or be inspired by me, even at my best.

Still, Anna's words felt good, because they let me rationalize my foul plan.

Who am I, to deny Tracy the opportunity to be courageous, and to let her light shine bright?

"Anna, thank you. Tracy is very special to me, and you can tell her I said that."

I suspected when Anna relayed my words to Tracy, they would go way beyond special. I was fine with it, because this night would be the last time I saw Tracy, so why not make it as meaningful for her as possible?

It occurred to me that I could have Alice come to the restaurant in a couple of weeks, then Anna could tell her all the things I couldn't. I would have to warn her not to mention Tracy, and I might also need to remind Anna that I was her boss...

5:00 pm.

I made sure to be in the office at five when Tracy's shift started, and pretended to do paperwork when she floated in and twirled onto my lap. She bit her lip. "Ray, I just talked to Anna. Is it true, what she said?"

I whispered in her ear, "Of course!"

Anna could have said anything. I may have even proposed to Tracy.

Would that be so bad? 

Tracy hugged me and beamed. "I feel the same way. See you at ten, Ray!"

Tracy checked for spectators, kissed me, then went skipping out.

As I left work, I couldn't decide if I was being kind or cruel to Tracy. They both came from the same place in me.

5:20 pm.

My plans immediately fell apart on the way home. A huge accident right in front of me made a twenty-minute drive take ninety minutes. By the time I arrived home at seven, it would be impossible to get to Alice's by seven-thirty, because the trip took almost an hour at that time of day. Even worse, I had no way to get in touch with her, as answering machines were uncommon in 1984, much less cellphones.

After a quick shower, I dressed, then called Alice at ten after seven, hoping she might already be home. No answer, so I waited another ten minutes before trying again. Alice must have been smoking a joint, because she answered with a cough.

"Alice, I just called to let you know I won't be there until after eight-thirty. There was an accident on the way home."

Silence.

Damn her moods, she might not want to fuck...

I suggested, "Uh, can we just go to Taco Shack?"

It was only two blocks from her apartment, but Alice didn't like their greasy food.

More silence, then she said evenly, "Ok, if that's what you want, Ray. The important thing for me, is that I'm with you, my beautiful man."

The last bit dripped with sarcasm. It was rare, but Alice could be an icy bitch. I knew she would feel bad and apologize later, but I deserved it for what I was planning to do, and it made me feel a little less guilty. On the plus side, her apology might take the form of sex, even if she didn't really feel like it. This scheme was making me beyond awful.

10:20 pm.

After eating, drinking, dancing, making love twice and cuddling, I threw on my clothes, with tearful Alice pleading, "No, stay with me, please don't go. Ray, come back. I'm sorry. What did I do? I'm so sorry, don't leave..."

I caught a glimpse of the intense hurt on her face, and had to pull a shade over my conscience to walk out the door. Turning myself into an uncaring stoic was easy as flipping a switch, and it also gave me a tiny jolt of pleasure, which I savored on the walk to my car. I tried to limit how often I did it, as I feared remaining that way and becoming a monster.

The evil came in handy when disciplining or terminating a worker, but I also used it on women. I wasn't so far gone that I employed it to make them more attached to me, though it frequently had that effect. It was just a mode I could slip into if I wasn't careful, and a woman's love could lower my guard.

I was late to see Tracy, but I casually pulled out of the parking lot, then drove slowly up the street past Alice's apartment. The Riviera's snarling exhaust note carried far through the still night air, and hurrying would alert her. As soon as I was two blocks away, the fully unleashed power of the big block V8 rocketed me through the small city, running red lights and stop signs to make it to my restaurant in thirty seconds.

I drifted through a left turn into the parking lot, then screeched to a crawl. There were only nine cars parked in the lot, but none were Tracy's, so I turned around and considered looking inside. Perhaps she drove a different car, or got a ride from someone.

I shouted, "No, fuck this. I'm going back to Alice."

The relief washed my soul clean.

Alice's crying, "I'm sorry," had hit me especially hard. She must have thought she did something wrong to make me mad or to dislike her, so she threw out a desperate apology.

How can I be so cruel? Am I going to hurt every woman I care about?

Alice's sheer innocence made my decision to return to her much easier. I would tell her, "I was too tired to drive home. Can I stay here with you?"

It seemed completely lame, but I figured she'd just be happy to see me. Maybe she would even want more sex. Better yet, I could finally tell her, "I love you."

Yes, this is a fine idea! Alice, here I come...

I had almost exited the lot when Tracy drove up the street, turned into the entrance, and honked. I tried, but my hands and feet disobeyed the commands to keep driving. In a trance, I put the car in reverse, then backed into a parking space. Within seconds, Tracy had parked, skipped to the Riviera, hopped in, then passionately kissed me. It didn't seem possible she could move so fast. My perception of time must have warped from the rapidly shifting emotions.

During the short drive from Alice's apartment, I had frantically yelled at myself in the mirror. It was both an attempt at talking myself out of leaving Alice, while hardening my heart enough to do it.

There is a scene in the 1978 movie Animal House, where the character has a devil and an angel on each shoulder, trying to steer him in their directions. My devil won, though I suppose from Tracy's perspective, the angel won. I was going down an ethical rabbit hole, curiouser and curiouser...

Tracy's enthusiasm made all the impending madness fade away, and I rapidly returned to normal.

Normal for me...

After returning her kiss, I mumbled, "Sorry I'm late, Tracy."

I could be kind to at least one of my women, so I didn't mention Alice.

Tracy complained, "Ray, I was all the way down the block when I heard your car. Two more seconds, and I would have missed you."

Two seconds...

Five more thrusts into Alice could have completely changed my future.

Playfully stroking Tracy's nipple through her thin bra and work shirt, I assured her, "I'm glad you turned around. I've been looking forward all day to being with you."

I went into full-on Tracy mode, and wanted to make our time as good as possible for her. It brought something important to mind.

"Tracy, I'll be right back, I have to use the restroom."

I waved to Wendy as I walked to the men's room, and wondered if she knew what Tracy and I were up to.
It was a stupid thought. Of course Tracy had told her.  At the sink, I thoroughly washed myself. Even though Alice and I both loved her lusty flavor, Tracy might not appreciate it. It was the right thing to do, possibly the only one I did that day. As I looked in the mirror I applauded myself for the minor moral victory, as it reassured me that I had not gone full cretin.

Never go full cretin...

Incredibly, even with all my scheming, I hadn't planned where we were going.

"Tracy, what do you want to do? Should we get a drink?"

She pointed at the steering wheel. "Can we just go for a drive? I'm not in the mood for going anyplace, and I don't have any other clothes."

She still had her work outfit on, and with the shirt half unbuttoned, I could see a baby blue, lacy bra peeking out. I wondered why she didn't bring an extra set of clothes.

Does she just want to fuck?

"Tracy, how about we go to my place? Or the motel?"

I regretted suggesting the motel. If Alice went to the grocery store, she would pass by and see my Riviera. It made me also realize I better get moving, because Alice might drive by the restaurant and catch me in the car with Tracy.

Tracy looked away silently while I pulled out of the lot, then took a straight line away from Alice's home.
I asked again, "Tracy?"

She turned back to me and sobbed, "Just drive. I'm sure you know places to go."

She had been crying. I left Alice alone and hurt for this? Didn't I learn from my last date with Tracy?

I never learn...

It was too late to go back to Alice. Tracy had refreshed her perfume while I was in the bathroom, and Alice would smell it on me. I swear, women did shit like that on purpose.

Tracy wiped her tears on my sleeve, like it was another bonding gesture. "I'm sorry, Ray. I just need to sort things out in my head, but then we can have some fun."

I tried again. "Let's go to my house and have a drink on the porch."

She asked, "Is Nick going to be there?"

I sighed. "Yes, he's probably asleep, but I'll tell him to be quiet if he's still up."

Tracy shook her head. "No, I'm still mad at him and won't be able to relax."

She turned to gaze at the backseat. "I don't mind the car."

My first manager Sherman had accurately dubbed the Buick, "Pussymobile," but it had been almost a year since the Riviera had tasted a new woman's slippery offerings.

I nodded. "Sure, why not?"

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