Note- My memories of this chapter's events are fragments that I've pieced together the best I could. Also, I still don't really understand what happened, so I hope it makes sense to my readers.

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This is the sound of my soul.
I bought a ticket to the world
But now I've come back again.
Why do I find it hard to write the next line?
Oh, I want the truth to be said...
Spandau Ballet.

Nick's all wrong about Tracy. She's going to be my best girlfriend ever...

Brad began his reading. "Dolores, you're worried about being overweight for the rest of your life...".

Whoa, dude. That's harsh!

"You find it hard to accept that people can love you, even if you know they do."

Good job Brad. That was nice.

"But, you also think any man who wants to be with you is going to have some serious flaws, and will just be settling for you."

Damn, Brad. Hard truths, and you're making the poor girl cry. This is fucking great!

I glanced at Tracy across the room. She intently studied me, so I turned away because I didn't want her to see my moment of pleasure from Dolores' torture.

Brad went on. "Despite your fears, you enjoy being the way you are.You like it more than anything else in your life, and have no intention of losing weight, no matter the consequences."

This was new to me. It had never occurred to me that fat women might not hate being fat. I didn't like it, but my opinion was irrelevant.

Brad nodded, signaling the reading's conclusion. Dolores dried her eyes and smiled. "Thank you. All that you said is true. I love who I am!"

I was a little impressed, but then thought deeper about it. Everything Brad said likely applied to most obese people.

Ha! Some gift.

I went to the ice chest to get another beer, but Tracy called me back. Brad said, "Ray, are you ready to do this?"

I shrugged. "Sure," then held out my palms.

Brad gripped me firmer than expected, and his gaze probed far creepier than it had seemed from the hallway. I struggled to not pull my hands away or turn my head, instead focusing on the Thomas Kinkade lighthouse picture behind him. It seemed like everyone had that shit on their walls in 1985, but a twisted M.C. Escher print would have been more appropriate for what was coming...

After the longest minute ever, he grimaced, released my hands, then closed his eyes. Tracy stood up and led me back to the couch, where she put an arm around my shoulder and stroked my leg with her other hand. More comforting than affectionate, I still enjoyed her touch.

Brad still seemed disturbed when he opened his eyes and asked, "Uhh, Ray? Are you... sure you want to do this?"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tracy nod slightly, prompting me to say, "Yes, go ahead."

  He looked at me sympathetically. "You're really unusual. We've all seen how kind you can be, but that's not who you are. No one knows who you actually are. You sort of know, but you don't have any idea of how... I don't even know how to describe it. Try this. Think about everything you dislike about people. Do you like it when people boast?"

My head nervously shook. I had not expected anything like this.

Brad said, "Ray, you love to boast, but you don't do it. You get other people to say good things about you. But it's still boasting."

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I presented myself as humble, but loved the attention. A very perceptive girl from high school had pointed out something similar, but that was after she had known me for a few months. It made me uneasy how Brad had seen it immediately.

"Yeah, Brad. You're right."

Admitting it actually made me feel worse.

Brad gave me a questioning gesture, and I nodded for him to continue while Tracy comforted me. I guessed craving attention drove performers like her. At least she was honest about it.

"Ok, Ray. Do you like it when people are vain about their appearance?"

I looked down, knowing where he was going with this, even though I had never thought about it. All I could manage was a tepid, "Yes."

"You're obsessed with your appearance, but you hate that about yourself. You like to think you're not good-looking, but you really think you are, and you pretend to be humble when women tell you how much they like your looks."

Fuck, how does he know that?

Looking around the room, I wondered if the women considered me handsome. I couldn't help it, and hated my vanity.

Something weird overcame me, almost a feeling of nausea, but all in my mind. However, Tracy's touch began to physically irritate me, which made no sense. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by shrugging her off, so I just endured it.

Brad asked, "Are you the smartest person here?"

Well of course I am... No.
Shit, I know I'm not.

Brad missed nothing. "That's right, you know you're not, but you think you are. Ray, I don't know how you do that to yourself. It has to take a toll."

I feel that toll right now, like never before...

"Ok, this is starting to... not to make sense, but I see the pattern. You are a cruel man."

I don't care who knows it. I don't care about anything. The couch is swallowing me...

He took a deep breath. "It's such a strong part of you. I don't understand how you don't act on it all the time."

Oh, but I do, in such small and petty ways that you would never notice. It's enough to satisfy me... until it's not.

"Everything you hate, is who you are. You've been fighting it for so long that it's normal, but you're afraid one day you won't be able to fight anymore. Or want to."

He continued revealing me to the increasingly uncomfortable party. I can't remember if it was something specific he said or the accumulation of his words which made me stand up in a trance, then walk out the back door. Without any thought, I grabbed two beers from the ice chest, but dropped them on the lawn as I sat on a low brick wall. I sensed I wasn't going to be able to drink my way out of the doom.

I couldn't make any sense of what was happening to me. It was as if I had sprung a leak, and my sanity slowly drained out of every pore. I feared that I would never recover, as my usual methods of coping with feeling down were completely ineffective.

One of my strengths was an ability to look at things objectively. A stranger's words should have never affected me this way. There was no reason anything should affect me this way... but that knowledge only made it worse. I occasionally dreamed someone was trying to kill me, and I had a gun to defend myself, but it either misfired or I didn't have enough strength to pull the trigger. Like the dream, nothing I did worked. I knew how ridiculous I must seem, and it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

I sat on the wall, completely defenseless for what seemed like hours, but was probably only a few minutes. Even in the middle of all this, odd details still managed to creep into my consciousness. Perhaps the distraction served as a final barrier to oblivion. In this case, I noticed the backyard's beautiful landscaping and wondered if the homeowner had a Japanese gardener like Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid. Maybe the Cobra Kai kids in skeleton outfits would give me an ass-whooping, and I could get past... whatever the hell this was.

Instead, I continued to deflate. Tracy came out to check on me, but I told her to leave me alone for awhile. She shook her head in disgust, then went back inside. Apparently there would be no more comfort from her, not that it would have helped. I regretted not driving, though operating a car in my state would have been impossible. I considered calling Nick to get me, but I couldn't remember our number, or even how to dial a phone.

Brad came out and studied me carefully. He approached, but stopped abruptly when I raised my hand. I didn't deserve any comfort, and had no energy for anger towards him. 

He said, "Ray, I'm really sorry. I knew you wouldn't like what I said, but I thought you could handle it. Your coldness is like a gift, and it seemed impenetrable. You will get through this, and be a better person."

IF I get through it. This is the rest of my life, shrinking into nothingness.

Still, his words were handholds to slow my dwindling. I looked up at him and could see that the experience also had an effect on him. Brad looked unhealthy. It seemed that using his gift cost him physically.

I stopped sinking and progressed to treading water. "Brad, I'm not mad, you were just using your talent. It's not your fault I'm so awful."

Thankfully, Brad didn't disagree. He knew better. Better than I did.

He nervously said, "Uh, there's something else."

I don't want anything else. I want to keep leaking, shrinking, and shriveling up, until I'm gone.

"Some of us are concerned about Tracy. She has a lot of people who would do anything for her, so if you're thinking about, well...taking it out on her... um... you might reconsider..."

I pulled a loose brick out of the wall and tested its heft. "Brad. After what you know about me, do you really want to go there?"

He disappeared in a flash. I had intimidated him, and it brought me back from the edge. My occasional sudden threats of violence usually made situations worse, but I never expected the inner caveman could save me. I would be alright.

Eventually.

I went inside to find Tracy, and she rushed over to me. "Ray, what's wrong with you?" Her question held no sympathy, just irritation.

"Tracy, I don't really know. Can you take me home?"

"Take you home? Can't you wait? I haven't seen some of these people in years."

I sighed, "Yeah, I'll be outside."

She took my hand. "No, stay beside me."

I couldn't tell if she was concerned for me, or thought I was being rude by sitting alone. It didn't matter. I would do whatever Tracy said, because my will had dissolved.

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