171:

It hurt.

"I think I know you some. Not well, that's for sure."

"And I absolutely don't know you."

"The music..." he whispered as one of the twins whimpered at their voices.

"I don't deny it. We have something. A bond, a link. Whatever you want to call it, and I thought we were friends, and maybe.... Maybe we still are, but our lifestyles are so different, and you have different goals from me. It's okay. We can stay friends, but I may not be in the market for any more friends right now, like any further acquaintanceship. Like, I may not want to get to know you any better, or let you get to know me...." She turned to face him, and he could see that her body was tense, her curves were revealed, and her slender limbs were still, nervous, distrusting.

"Shit." He muttered. That wasn't what he wanted at all.

She turned and went to the door of the tent and pulled it back. "I'm going to bed, you can come if you want. I made you up a sleeping bag. I will not... sleep with you."

She disappeared inside and he could see she adjust herself on the far side away from where she'd put his bag. Well, he had a choice. He could sleep out here, next to the fireplace, sitting up perhaps next to the wall, he could sleep in there, or not sleep at all....

He hadn't pushed her, not once in the week they'd been together. He'd had his separate room, next to hers, but not with her. He'd not tried to take those kind of liberties. Touch her, yes. He'd really done a lot of touching, he liked it, she liked it, or else.... She allowed it.

He flipped the fly on his jeans and slid out, pulled them off his own long-johns and socks. He doffed the sweater, tested the air and left only the t-shirt, like her.

He went over to the tent flap. Inside was clear by the light of the stove, and the flashlight. Danny was next to the wall, outside his bag, one leg up, crossed over the other, both arms crossed under his head. The twins were indistinguishable, somewhere in the middle, Tracy was on top of her bag, (it was warm in here), her back to him, the lithe indentation of her side like a brand on his senses. Maybe he should stick to the wall position. He started to back away. Danny twitched.

He gulped air. Why the hell should he be uncomfortable all night?

He crouched and went inside. The air mattress rustled, the sleeping bag slid to one side as he crawled to it. He stood, half-stood anyway, one foot on his bag, one foot straddling the girls... He felt around, sat on their mattress, leaned toward Tracy.

"Hey." He whispered.

She turned. Just her face, her neck, one arm. "What?"

He shrugged. "Will you let me hold you?"

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Blaze!" she hissed. "It's enough. Sleep on your side, over there."

He went to his bag, adjusted it, laid down, one arm raised to cradle his head. The dim warm light permeated and flickered. A glow that wasn't a glow settled over him. He was tired. Aroused, annoyed, and.... Tired.

In a tent-full of children and one very sexy woman.

"In France, you slept in the same.... Bed with Julian." He said softly, musingly.

Her voice was disgusted, annoyed. "I've slept with Jules since I was a child. We've really covered this aspect of my life. Just go to sleep."

"But you're a grown woman, and you slept with him."

"I didn't sleep with him! I slept in the same bed while he slept there. We never even touched, much like what we're doing, you and I, right now...."

"I just don't understand your objection in light of what you're willing to do with Julian, why you're so reticent to sleep with me."

"I'm not. It's the same. It's like we are in the same bed. We're in the same tent. We're breathing the same air, using the same covers.... It's quite intimate I assure you, and in the morning you can write an article for Rolling Stone or GQ. My night sleeping with the famous Tracy McCaffrey. Has a nice ring to it. If we keep talking we can even wake the same children."

He chuckled. "You're right." He said in amusement.

She had turned on her back, raised one arm, bent one knee.

"Tell me his name." Blaze said.

"I've told you before."

"No, you've dodged it. Why?"

"I didn't deliberately dodge it. I just let the conversation swirl around something else. It didn't come up. You don't really care and he is too...."

"Good?"

She shrugged restlessly. "It's just private."

"You're open about everything else."

"Not, you just haven't hit on any of my other private spots."

He really chuckled. "You're right, I haven't yet hit on...."

Tracy giggled and snorted, covering her mouth and nose. "I didn't mean..."

He leaned up on an elbow. "Come over here and talk to me then. Tell me about your other private spots."

She rolled away from him. "Go to sleep."

"I don't believe there is this paragon of a man. You're using it to hold me at bay."

She rolled back. "I don't have to justify myself to you."

"Absolutely not." He agreed, "But it would be nice to understand who and what I'm up against."

Tracy sighed and turned toward him, she leaned up on one elbow. "You're up against my beliefs, you can't give me what I want out of life, and I absolutely will not sleep with you just for the sake of lust. I just won't, that's all. There's no doubt in my mind. And I won't marry you and then have sex with you because you can't marry me in the temple. I've told you this already, Blaze, I hate having to repeat it, knowing you just want to hear me talk and keep me responding to you longer."

He snickered. Blew out breath that he'd been saving, laughed softly.

She sat up and crossed her legs, "And... I don't even count the 'what if I loved you part'. I don't. It's that simple. I am attracted to you, I've told you so. But I am not in love with you, and I don't want to share that with you. I'm sorry if this hurts, I don't think it should, you already know it. It's just.... You're turned on. You want sex tonight, and you're.... not used to denying yourself, or have some chick reject you. In fact, I would wager a guess that you've never been turned down."

"I have been." He clarified, understanding her words, and their meaning. He wasn't completely disappointed either. He had expected it all along. He knew it, knew how she would respond. But it still rankled.

"Well, whatever." She said.

He laughed. "Trace, who is he?"

"Maybe I should tell you about him first."

He smiled and leaned back. "A breakthrough. Yeah, that's a good idea. Tell me about him."

*****