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Hostility was building in her. I'm not going home, she thought vaguely. Where can I go? Home represented people, answers, more disappointing relationships. Home represented responsibilities she had taken on and was now wondering if she could fulfill. She felt overwhelmed. She drove to the airport, parked, sat in the lot a minute, all three children staring at her intently, silent. She opened her purse, took out her wallet and pulled out a credit card she hadn't ever activated.

Two seconds later it was activated. She glanced back at Danny and smiled. Had Jake followed her? Nope.

She remembered the beach, Paris, paparazzi. But here, she hadn't been followed, her departure had been too hurried, and too dramatic, no one had known which story was more important.... She opened her laptop.

Don't think.... She told herself awkwardly.... Knowing that impulse was in her nature, but that she'd suppressed it upon entering motherhood. Suppressed it quite tightly. She hit several buttons, thought about Austin's face and hit several more. In minutes she had hit all the necessary ones. She got out of the Explorer, helped the children out, grabbed bags out of the back, not all the bags, just the... necessary ones.

And boarded a plane for Florida.

*****

Exhausted. She'd never been so exhausted.

Once again, she'd managed to do something that might turn out stupid. And might not... she thought as she lay back on the bed in her stateroom, onboard the Island Princess. She hadn't been followed. Amazingly, she hadn't even been stopped, questioned, nothing. She'd not called a single soul either, she was completely on her own with her children, and no one was bothering her, nor did she need to be protected or helped. She felt in control for the first time in her adult life, and it felt really good.

No one knew her itinerary. It was too sudden. No one had any idea where she was. No paparazzi, for sure. And... no Michael, no Austin, no parents, no other celebrities.... Nobody.

She'd turned off her cell phone, and then, as soon as the bon voyage was over and the huge ocean liner had moved out of dock and onto the ocean and land was singularly far away, she'd taken her children up onto the bow, sat on a lounge chair and told them, meaning Danny, that they were on a vacation. He had been quite nonplussed about the whole thing.

Of course, they were within view of dolphins following the ship, diving expertly in and out of the cutting wake. That was way more interesting. She'd arranged for a stateroom, the only one left available, the cruise wasn't booked solid in March. Where to? She really hadn't cared, she'd never cruised before, never even thought of it, till now....

And she'd stood at the railing, leashes attached to both girls so they couldn't jump overboard, and thrown her cell phone in the ocean.

It was gray, like the ocean she was used to, grayish blue and free.... Very free, very big and wide and windy and healing....

Danny, content to watch dolphins, the girls' content to watch Danny. She had time to think and she sat on a lounge chair, while everyone else on board seemed to be involved in setting up their berth's, or whatever, lunch, maybe...

She removed the leashes from her arms and attached them to her ankles, and then lay back and closed her eyes.

Simple. Just close your eyes, and watch the blood flow through the lids causing myriad varieties of magical movement and color. It wasn't warm.... It wasn't cold. In fact, it was just pleasant, and the further they got into the day, the warmer it became. Cries of seagulls permeated her cocoon. Familiar. Very familiar.

What wasn't familiar was being alone.

And right now.... She was very alone. With her little extensions... the mini-me's, as she liked to call them occasionally.

She thought there must be a lot to think about. Austin had kissed her, after all this time, and all these talks and all this understanding.... He'd taken advantage, then pinned it on her, and betrayed by his words and actions what she thought they'd built. A really lasting, trusting friendship.... And now? Well, it seemed that it was all a put on, a show... he really felt differently than he'd let on, and she'd sensed it, but trusted his words, rather than his... hmm...

Nope, she really didn't want to think about it. There was nothing to think about. An incident. Not the first stolen kiss, for heaven's sake. Not the first....

She thought about moments in Malibu. A night, the ocean outside, and for once, her heart beat didn't accelerate, a glimmer of fear didn't underlay every subsequent thought....

It was okay.... She was okay, she could deal.

She felt the wind, pictured flying.... With Raine....

She should really finish getting her pilot's license.

He would want her to. It gave her more freedom.

Freedom was to be treasured.

No one could be truly free, free to do what they really wanted, within or without the systemic conditions and laws around them, without being tied to other people. But within those laws.... Freedom lurked. And a person chose the other people in their life, and the choosing made them free.

"I choose...." She said out loud and sat up, feeling a little light-headed from having her eyes adjust to the bright sun that had been coming through her lids. The girls were playing on deck, playing with sand and pebbles. Danny was standing on top of some kind of storage box, built onto the bow, and obviously kept there to be stood on, as it also sported a railing, as he pretended to steer the ship, the wind whipped his reddish hair harshly out of his face.

"I didn't bring sunscreen." She said, losing the train of thought that told her who her choices were, and knowing at the same time, that all that thinking wasn't all that necessary.

"There's a store down there someplace." Danny said helpfully. "I saw it. Like a grocery store."

Tracy nodded, leaned down to un-attach the girls and re-attach them to her wrists. "Let's go get a few things."

The ship was big, and the walk was quite far, and Tracy was glad for the slowness of it. They went to their rooms, and she dumped the contents of her two emergency backpacks on the floor. That was it, really emergency stuff. She who had just been praised for planning had proved herself wrong!

She piled it all back inside and grabbed the leashes again.

"We need everything." She announced.

A chorus of little voices mimicked her thunderously as they made their way up the stairs toward the main galley.

*****