133:

She deliberately remembered a night, not too long ago, well, a year ago... when Richard had lain with her in Park City and gone through all her objections and doubts, each one, patiently, showing her an alternative way to look at things. She hadn't been able to do that in the ensuing year, but now she asked herself to hear his voice.... Okay.... What would Raine think about her being with Blaze? He would be concerned. More than concerned. He would acknowledge that she had to move on, and get a life, yes, he was realistic enough to know that had to happen. But a non-member guy she'd barely met? No. He would not approve, and he would have been appalled that she'd let this guy hold her, and.... Kiss her. And h-how would Julian feel about her being with Blaze Phelps? Jealous. He'd even said so. Why? Because he loved her. Yes, Julian loved her. He wanted her. He had a part of her, and he would be content with that, and not bug her about it, Jules was nothing if not patient. But he wasn't happy, because he didn't feel free, as long as she still called him for comfort constantly.... Yeah, but how did she feel about him sleeping with Bridget? She thought about it. Good. She nodded. Good. Bridget had been his wife, his lover, his.... Well, she wasn't his soul mate. But she should be. She and he.... Well, she realized, they'd never be together, they'd kill each other first. But they'd always have a soft spot in each other's hearts. And because Julian knew that, he went to the only other girl he'd ever felt needed him....me. That didn't sit well. It wasn't that she didn't love Julian, but... try as she might, it just felt wrong. Like, she didn't love him like... that.

"Where are you going?" Blaze asked, sitting on the floor at her feet, his own knees drawn up under him, his arms resting lightly on his bent knees, staring at the fire.

Tracy swallowed. "I was thinking about the guys.... In my life." She said simply. "Do you have women?"

"Sometimes. You mean in relation to eternity?"

"Sort of.... Well, no.... I don't know."

Blaze laughed, not looking at her. "First there was Claire. Beautiful, sophisticated, talented, she was an actress, a model, a singer. She could play harp, and piano, and cello. Gorgeous music. We dated, she had a good time, I know she did. She was sincere in her feelings. We were in love. And we did sleep together, in fact we moved in together for three years. I wanted to marry her."

"What went wrong?"

"I started to get gigs, I was gone a lot. We partied together, but then she started partying alone. So, that was cool, so I partied alone too. And we.... Grew apart."

"Love can do that." Tracy agreed, drawing her knees further into her side.

"Why? How? How can love do that?"

"I don't know, but if it isn't real.... Or even if it is, maybe if it's not based on...."

"What? Respect?" Blaze sounded a little frustrated here. "I respected her, and she respected me."

"Om, no, I wasn't going to say respect. I was thinking more along the lines of my personal beliefs."

"Well, say them. You don't have to be afraid I'll leave you up here if I don't like your personal beliefs." He meant her religion, and she appreciated the fact that he didn't mind, and was telling her she didn't have to be afraid to talk about it.

"I just think that if you both have.... God in your life, then He can bless you. It's like...." She struggled when he turned to look at her, remembering the times she'd talked about religion with Austin and Richard. Like then, it had been a foreign concept to them, and like then, they were open to receiving it, for her sake. "You have that commitment. Om.... You have His approval, and therefore His... protection, and therefore His.... Love, and His love is a perfect kind of love, and when things get tough, you stay married because it's not just in your name only, but in His name."

"Almost you persuade me to become Christian." He said softly, musingly, and Tracy started abruptly as his words echoed those of Ray in the New Testament. She smiled tentatively. "Wh-."

He grinned. "I've read the Bible." He said.

"Oh." She relaxed back, not that she thought one reading would make of him a scholar. But it was unusual to have anyone quote scripture in her realm. Raine used to quote scripture....

"Tracy.... Who is this guy you are so hot for?"

She was startled again, and abashed that she was. She struggled for words for a second sheepishly, wanting to return to the religion subject.

"Is it Austin McQueen?"

"Austin?" she laughed.

"You've been seen together recently... a lot."

"We're friends. He's actually proposing to Lisa Bellatori, LDS producer."

"LDS?"

"Mormon." She clarified.

"Oh, yeah." He said as if just remembering, but she knew he must be putting on something of a show since he'd used purely Christian words, and had assumed she was Christian as well. Maybe he was anti...

"I had been thinking of Julian." She said instead.

"Julian called me." Blaze revealed and again that washed over feeling of startlement assailed her.

"You're kidding."

"Okay, I'm kidding." He agreed. "Yeah, and he told me to take you skating. It just so happened that I have this place, bought it a couple of years ago, and actually this is the back side of my property, I have a villa on the other side of that hill. It's about a hundred acres."

"This is your place? He told you to take me skating?"

"He told me you are deeply committed to another relationship, but that right now you are fairly vulnerable because of the one year anniversary of the death of your husband. He warned me off."

Tracy folded her arms feeling constricted, annoyed. Julian....

"He's protective of me. He thinks I'm his little sister." She said, trying not to feel annoyed, telling herself even brothers and sisters got annoyed.

"He's in love with you, and he was warning an unsuitable guy away, and he knows you don't love him back in the same way." He said easily.

Her eyes widened. "All righty then." She quipped, feeling her dander getting lazily to its feet. "He said all that?"

He shook his head, now chewing a straw or something he'd found on the floor, Tracy shook her head as well. Bizarre.

"But he is in love with you, I can tell by the way he spoke. It wasn't as if you are his little sister, although you may have relegated it to that in your mind. It doesn't matter, I already surmised as much, although I am still wondering what deeply hidden longings surfaced last night when you let me kiss you."

Frustration loomed. "I'm sorry. My bad. I never should have...."

"Stop it. Just admit it, it's all right. It was a kiss, you're okay. I'm not clawing your clothes off or anything. Do you see me pushing you? In fact, I am simply uncharacteristically being curious, not horny." He barked shortly, and then gave her a reassuring pat on the knee. "It's all good."

So she relaxed back once again, but remained wary. "I'm a little free with kisses."

*****