*****124:

She woke several mornings later to a freezing, biting wind howling around the house. Snow flurried and drove into the shutters, and rattled at the corners. Shanna had started a fire in every fireplace and it still felt cold. She woke early, as she always did, and checked the children. But today she wasn't going to exercise, she didn't want to leave the room. She went and sat on the one chair, drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

How would she face today?

Actually, it was planned. She was having breakfast with her dad in an hour... that would be at five. They would be going to the studio at six, meeting Jules there and laying down some tracks they'd been working on. Fortunately, the studio was simply in the basement.

Then Shanna wanted to photograph them for Paul's new disk. She had her studio too, but outside might be better. She had ideas about bare feet dangling from a bridge, and snow....

She also wanted to photograph them with the children.

She had a guest appearance on a BBC TV show at 3pm, just to play, not to answer questions.

She had dinner with Lorraine and Thomas at 6pm, and was going to a play with Bridget at 7:30.

That ought to do it.

She nestled her chin into her knees again and squeezed her eyes shut....

In her mind, they were running along the beach... cool breezes playing with her hair, beach spray...

Dark hair, tan skin, slender hips.... Where was his smile? Did he think of her now? Oh, Raine!

She turned herself in time.... A dark evening...hot chocolate.... A warm fire.... A green couch, The Book of Mormon.... she swallowed hard, the moments colliding--- with two very different men.

The cell phone was close by.... It had been three weeks since she'd talked to him. She hadn't written at all in that time.

It was wrong to call.

She picked up the phone anyway.

She couldn't call.

She flipped it open.

Against mission rules.

Just for a second, to hear his voice, to share today.... This day..... to know he was thinking of her....

No. She could face it on her own. She had been facing it for months now.

This was because of talking to Shanna. She should have kept her pain to herself. Opening it had been like opening a can of worms. She flipped the phone closed and set it aside.

That feeling of impending disaster. Turn back... stewardship.... Responsibility....

Smoke.... Was that our house? Running...

She'd seen him go in...

His shirt plastered to his body, his muscles standing out, corded, tense....leaning far out the window....

She picked up the phone again and flipped it open. Just to be reassured. Who else could understand?

The window, looking up above the dark head, the dark eyes imploring her, commanding her, rescuing...smoke billowing, shooting flames... the heat, the crashing of broken glass and creaking groaning rushing timber and plaster....

She smashed the phone closed in the seat under her fingers and sucked air into her lungs, forcing herself to breathe. Best to get through it, one year.... One year....

The sudden weight of crushed limbs, baby neck, body, not soft enough in her arms. Danny, flying...

She jerked the phone back and flipped it open and pushed the send button. She held it to her ear, gasping for breath and for release....

Richard's voice answered instantaneously. "Ah, baby, I knew you'd call. Let me go outside a minute, okay?" his voice, immediate, reassuring, real... so real... so there......

"Wh-where are you?" she said softly, hearing Daniel stir on the bed.Releif plastered ehr sticky hair to her face, amid the tears now streaming down her cheeks. The images were still flashing in her mind.

"At a zone conference, but the president knows you're calling today."

"He knows?"

"I figured you'd call at some point. What time is it there?"

"Like four-thirty."

"In the morning, right?"

"Richard...."

"Okay, I'm sitting down, let's get through this, we only have one shot at it."

"Richard... I didn't want to call...."

"I know, baby."

"It's like... too much."

"Are you seeing it again?"

"I'm running.... I'm catching the babies.... Which one was first? I don't know, I don't know..."

"Calm down... we can only do this if you don't let yourself get hysterical. No build."

She could hear his breathing, and matched her own breath to it. In- out. Hold.

"I should have gone back sooner. Richard, I knew.... The Lord told me to go back, and I- I didn't...."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I- I didn't right away, I turned around, but I didn't move, it wasn't until we saw the smoke.... I should have gone back, I should never have left that house, I should never have left them, my baby, my Steven, oh God, where's my baby? I want Steven!"

Like they were connected, Tracy felt Richard's tears well up inside her, furiously impotent rage.... The unfairness, the injustice, the....

Her sobs tore through them both.... Wracked with unreasonable tortured whispered grief... "I c-can f-feel him sucking on my lip. I can feel him in my arms. He's there, why isn't he there? He's so sweet, Richard, he didn't deserve to die, it wasn't his time..... why did I let him die?"

"You didn't."

"Why? Richard, Why?"

"There's no reason, baby...."

"There has to be a reason...."

"It's in God's hands, Trace...."

"Richard...."

"It's okay, honey, it's okay." She could hear his sobs, his pain wracked grief and she cried more, reveling in the joy of crying with him, feeling the pain dissipate in the sharing of it. Joy? Sharing? Dumping....

"I shouldn't do this...."

"You have to, Tracy, get it out... I'm here. It's okay."

"I dumped on you."

"You're supposed to."

"No, I al-almost didn't call... I tried not to call."

"It's okay."

"Nothing is okay, remember? You even said so, it's not okay."

"Not being okay won't bring them back."

"Richard...."

"Just breathe, baby..."

"I can feel him.... I can tell you how much he weighs, 18 pounds. I can tell you about the silky feel of his hair, peachy fuzz, little wisps, his little red eyelashes... the sides of his little nose, thin, white, as he looks up at me.... oh God.... Steven!"

"He's with you, Tracy, he loves you so much.... You're still his momma."

"I'm not! He's gone! I'm not sealed to him..."

"A year, baby! In a year, we'll seal him to us....okay?"

"Wh-what?!

"We'll have them all sealed to us...."

"What are you saying?"

"The children... we can have them sealed to us... Tracy, please believe, it's going to be okay. Just this one more year...."

Her numb mind refused to concentrate on his words. "I want my baby."

"He's your baby. You're going to be with him forever."

"I w-want him now!"

"I know you do. I'd do anything to give him back to you, Trace, anything. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to come home? Do you want me to come there? I can be there today...."

Stunned, she opened her eyes, saw the cribs across the room, saw Danny's little rump in the air... and felt the sudden cold of her own fingers gripping the phone. "No, Richard... you- you can't come home. You have another year."

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done, Tracy McCaffrey. There has never been anything worse. As I walked out of that room in the MTC and saw the expression of non-comprehension in your eyes, I knew my place was there."

"But your place is serving the Lord."

"Do you really think so?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yes, I do."

"One more year?"

"Yeah."

"Can we hold on? Can we love Steven together, can we miss him?"

She gulped. "I think so. I j-just miss him so much."

"It's okay to miss him, he knows how much you miss him."

"I want to forget, but I can't."

"Tracy, you don't have to forget. Ever. We can talk about this all our lives. It was the most traumatic experience either of us has ever gone through. I'm here for you, hang onto that, okay? Trace, are you still there?"

"Why do you always think I will hang up on you? I won't, Richard."

"Maybe the phone will cut out. That happens, you know, and you have hung up on me before."

"No, I've just not answered the phone when it was you."

He laughed. "But you wanted to talk to me."

"But it wasn't right, I w- was engaged, or m-married...." She was crying again, and he could sense the despair in her tones and in her mind. How could he reassure her? She was so fragile; her thoughts about this subject so delicate, he'd already said things he shouldn't have said. That was the problem with them, wasn't it? Never being able to say the things they wanted to. There were always rules.... Or taboo's. But right now... couldn't he break that little taboo?

"But you're not now, and I want you to hang onto this.... I know what you're going through; The Lord knows what you're going through. And you're a young woman; you have a lot of life to live. He will bless you to get through this, okay? You're making good choices, Trace... there are going to be tough days ahead, there always will be....but you can get through this. We can get through it together. You can write me about it every day, I never get tired of hearing it, I understand it. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about Raine and Steven, Trace, not one day that I don't miss them, picture you holding that little angel, and all the ways you loved him. You're not alone, darling, not alone in this." He glanced up and saw his companion standing there leaning against the wall, two other missionaries were there as well, and the President, his eyes full of tears. He gave them a nod as he waited for Tracy's response... hoping she'd be able to pull it together before he had to go. And suddenly not worried about it if she didn't. Even the Mission President could feel the pain of this day. It was the spirit of the law that mattered, he was holding up the hands of the feeble right now, it was what the Lord would have done.

"Richard? H-How'd you get to be so wise? It's like the tables have turned and you're the wise one, and I'm the one that doesn't know anything."

He laughed a little. "I'm not. It's just the work, Trace, whenever you're totally immersed in it like I am, you feel this way. Like everything is easier to understand. Later on, we'll study together, and you'll feel it more."

"Can we pray together?"

"Every day, yeah."

"No, now." She said.

He glanced up at the men ranged around him, not close, not intrusive but there, witnessing this little act of love. "We're going to pray."

Each man in turn bowed his head, the Mission President's eyes once again filled with tears and Richard felt a little choked up, but he knew he would pray to the God he believed in, to strengthen his own little angel as she went through these trials. He did pray then, with all the fervency of his soul. He prayed with priesthood power, asking the Lord to bless her, to give her strength and courage to face this test and all others. He thought about where he'd be right now if she hadn't explained the Atonement of Jesus Christ to him, and he hadn't had the guts to apply it in his life, and because of her simple yet profound faith, he'd drawn on that well of living water, to believe it, to desire it, to understand it. He poured out his heart to the Lord in her behalf, heard the quiet sobbing of those around him, and of the beautiful girl on the other end of the line and knew the spirit of the Lord was present and that this kind of prayer was acceptable to the Lord. When he was done, he looked up and the Mission president was ushering the other missionaries back down the hall so he could say good-bye in private.

Yet Tracy was silent.

"You can make it, Trace."

"Thank you." She said softly.

"Any time, schweetheart, anytime." He tried to make light of his words before they got off the phone maybe for the next year...

"Richard... I...."

He waited, he could sense the words she wanted to say but was unsure of, but he wasn't unsure. "It's okay, lovely lady, the time will come when we can say those words."

Impulsive and sometimes rash, was his lovely lady. "No, I need to say them now."

"I know them anyway...." He assured her with a smile.

"No, you don't. I need to say them."

But they were thinking of his commitments, and what those words might do to him throughout the next year as he worked to concentrate, not on her, but on his mission. "Trace..."

"Richard, I want you to know that what you're doing is the most honorable thing you could be doing. You are amazing to me. Actually, your desire to be good, and do good is what's really amazing to me. You've changed your whole life around. Or you've let God change it, and because I was attached in one way or another during the whole time, I know you did it for the right reasons. There will never be that doubt in me, because of that."

"Thanks, Trace. That means a lot to me."

"I better let you go." She said softly, holding the connection so tightly he could feel it through the airwaves.

"Yeah, I need to get back, or they'll be wondering if I'm taking advantage of the moment."

"Okay, well, I'll write."

"Yeah, me too."

"Bye, Richard."

"Bye, Tracy."

But they didn't get off the phone. He laughed. "Hang up."

"No, you hang up." she said.

"You first."

"I should get to hang up last."

"Why? Because you called me? Don't be silly. We'll hang up together. One two three..." but they didn't hang up. Laughing then they both clicked off at the same time, Richard smiling and melancholy retraced his steps back down the hallway, and Tracy to toss the phone on her bed and to pull on her robe as she went to breakfast with her father. It was five am.

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