*****123:

Tracy waited patiently on stage. It was New Year's Eve. This would be her biggest show of the year. She glanced down, hummed the opening song, checked her leggings, her boots, her skirt, her bracelets, her hair pulled back tightly, left to cascade to her waist, naturally, no extensions. She bounced, jogged, practiced breathing, swung her hair both ways, loosened up her fingers, cracked her neck, hummed a few lines, peered out the under stage door at the lights, the screens, the catwalks, the band.

Other nights... other shows.... Other people.....

"I take them all with me every time I do this." She said out loud. "For Casey, for Jet, For Geoff, For Raine and Steven, and for Danny.... Tonight, it's for the living..... for you Dan." She nodded at her cue and leaped out into the fabulously brilliant lights and energy, the unsurpassed emotions of overwhelming proportions. "Hello London!!" she screamed and tossed her riotously curled hair as she and the band started the show.

*****

A pile of newspapers adorned the nightstand next to her bed at her Dad's London house the next morning. She was lying on her stomach, her hair too tight, from being dragged around her all night, and not taken out. Usually, she showered...

She turned over and sat up. Her head was clear, she'd been afraid it might not be. What a surprise! Jules had shown up on her stage, laughing, singing with her, playing drums on the second set, playing guitar with her.... Especially playing piano, sitting behind her, his arms around her. She'd loved it.... Loved it.... Felt on top of the world.

They were all right. She loved to perform. She thrived on it, and it was a release.

It wasn't exactly light out yet. She could see the outline of the cribs, and the sleeping babies. She twisted a bit and saw Danny in her bed next to her. Asleep. Content. Adorable.

It was January first.

Just a year ago...she took a deep breath.

Face it.... Face it.... Focus.

Just a year ago they'd been at ParkCity, skiing for New Years. They would go home the very next day, go home and spend one beautiful week of wedded bliss, playing with their two-month-old babies, going to church, running on the beach...

A gasp of pain sliced through her.

Not over it.

It screeched into her mind with perfect heart-stopping clarity.... The feel of sand under her toes, that day, no other day, just that day....

She felt the tears.... Necessary.... Raine! Steven!

She covered her face with her hands and let it come.

*****

Shanna brought breakfast in the light and spacious day room, as they called it, a cozy, yet fabulously open sitting room. Tracy was curled on a bright red couch, her white flannel pajamas comfortable on her loosely, her hair in a very loose ponytail. The twins were playing in the adjoining room with Maggie and her boyfriend, Danny and Grandpa were already outside.... Doing those things they both liked to do.

"Well, then little girl, what's the news from Lorraine?" Shanna plopped on the couch across from her, and pulled her bare feet up as well. She placed the plate full of sausages on the table between them.

Tracy reached for a napkin and a fork. She'd taken the call from Lorraine just moments before. "She's got company." She said.

"A boyfriend?"

"Yes, she's been seeing him for.... Almost a year."

"Who is it? Do I know him?"

"General Thomas Colby? Raine's almost father-in-law."

"Raine had an almost father-in-law?"

"His fiancé died of leukemia before they were married."

"That's horrible!"

"Yeah."

"What was her name?"

"Laurie Colby."

"That's a pretty name."

Tracy was quiet, eating.

"The show was fabulous." Shanna said. "You're really in the groove. Unbelievable Jules showing up like that and just walking up from the audience, like he could just walk through a crowd and part the Red Sea."

"Oh, he's amazing." Tracy agreed.

"So, are you ready for the opening of ABCSC?"

"Sure. I'll get my own office and I'll get my own clients."

"When do you graduate?"

"April."

"You're amazing."

"We'll be in So. Cal. while I do my internship. Then our house will be finished up in Montana and we'll go there."

"You'll be a day to day traveler. I've seen your schedule. Michael's got you booked solid for a year." Shanna shook her head. "Why, Trace? Why so much time devoted to this?"

"Which? To school? It's online. I do it about three hours a day. It's okay. Not so much. It'll be worth it. I'm excited to be helping people too."

"No, to the tour. It is a tour, isn't it?"

"Of a sort, yeah. I only gig on Friday and Saturday's, sometimes only Fridays. What about you, Shanna? How are you coming with your fashion line for the year?"

"For next year, you mean? I did see that you'll be in Vienna for the release of my Spring Collection."

"Wouldn't miss it."

"I also see you'll be in Paris and Toronto for film festivals, why?"

"Oh, to face it. Bad things happened at film festivals last year. My goal for this year is to face it. Get over the bad memories." Tracy munched another sausage thoughtfully.

"But aren't the memories you want to get over to do with Raine?"

Tracy licked her lips and then nodded. "You're right."

"So, Raine wasn't at the film festival with you, Richard was."

"Yeah, I know. I realized that Raine and I didn't have that many memories together, not like... doing things... he was gone a lot... I was gone creating memories with... Richard, like you said."

"So, you are purging yourself of... Richard?"

"No, just bad memories. The Tracy burn in hell memories.... I have some really nasty feelings for the arsonist still, there's very little forgiveness, and I think that's what's living in the darkness." She had thrown it all out there, talking to Shanna as she really hadn't to anyone in this past year. No one had even heard the term, "the darkness" except Richard. But something about Shanna's peculiar way of listening and not judging, but caring, and her practical advice, appealed to Tracy.

"You feel you're in that stage of the grief process...."

"Yeah, I'm through the confused, denial stage."

"And you're angry?"

Tracy shook her head. "No, beyond anger. I've had moments of anger, or just not... understanding... like moments where it didn't happen."

"But you know it did happen?"

Tracy nodded, a bit choked up again. "I sometimes cry still. Maybe I always will."

Shanna waited for her to get through it. She did and they smiled warmly at each other. "I think you always will." Shanna said. "You don't really get over this kind of stuff, I think. I knew a lady once who lost two daughters at the same time in a terrible car accident. She told me she never got over it. It just went somewhere un-public. After awhile."

"It's true that life moves on. But sometimes, Shanna, I wake up from nightmares where I am still catching the babies as Raine tosses them to me out that window. I am still trying to get to them through the smoke and the explosions."

"Are you seeing Rachel?"

"Can she help my dreams?"

"Are your dreams preventing you from sleeping?"

"No." she shook her head. "I don't want to sleep all that much, but I never have. Two, three hours tops. Just that once I wanted to sleep my life away. After Raine and Steven died, and Richard left...." A wave of nostalgic confusion washed over her. She put those days out of her thoughts mostly. Days that were a blur, a sense of distance, as if she hadn't been the one to live them, but a bystander of sorts. Weird dreams of that time came and went in her sleep. Dreams of Richard at the MTC mostly, or Richard right after Raine had died. Did she feel guilt for relying on him? But he was her rock, her support. Unafraid to take her pain and confront it head on. He'd been the one to face the hard stuff, the doubts, and anger. She'd been very angry, not at the arsonist then, but at the situation itself. Like mad at the fire.... Mad at the stairs, mad at the house for burning.... Mad at the smoke for choking....

"Do you ever dream about the good times?"

Tracy felt a wave of shame course through her. Why didn't she dream about the good times? She never dreamed about good memories with Raine, although she dreamed about Steven a lot. She dreamed concerts with Casey, or others.... Lots of playing time. But it was like Raine had moved on... and she was no longer with him.

She felt the tears, and stared out the window trying not to let them come this time. Not again. Her eyes were red-rimmed already. Was it PMS? No. She was just grieving.

"How long will it take, Shanna?"

"You're the shrink, Trace... what do your books say?"

"A long time."

******