****114:

In June, with twins crawling, and Danny and Kelly turned five, Tracy finished three of the twelve classes she had left to graduate. She and Greg and Jimmy recorded enough material on different CD's to put out three disks. A vacation was deemed necessary, and the family traveled to England, leaving Lorraine for a sabbatical with her family in London, and Tracy and the children went to Wales to visit Paul.

The main attraction at Grandpa's house for four little boys were the horses. And Grandpa was only too obliging to teach them all how to ride and care for the horses. This activity each and every day freed Tracy and the twins up to visit with Shanna and Tracy's half sisters. They gardened, went to the beach, shopped and sewed quilts, which were Shanna's passions.

One such day, after they had been there for two weeks and the days had fallen into a normal routine, Shanna asked her some questions that had been burning in her to know the answers to.

"Tracy, the boys are lovely. They seem so happy and well adjusted. You've done such a good job with them. But what on earth possessed you to take them in?"

Tracy shrugged. "Austin needed me. It was a time in my life when I needed to feel grounded, I needed his needing of me. And the boys fill a place in my heart...." She stopped, memory taking her breath. It never actually went away, this pain inside whenever she thought about her losses.

"But, dear, you have your music, your schooling, your own children.... Surely they take up all of your time." Shanna was a concerned step-mother, and Tracy felt a kind of warm closeness with her mothering questions, but a sense of panic at the same time as those who had once threatened to take her children away from her.

"Well, they do take up all my time, Shanna. Every bit of it and more, but I have this compelling need to help those less fortunate, or those with real needs. In fact, I should run my ideas by you." She took a deep breath, feeling the need to explain the growing desire in her to actually use her education practically. Education combined with her money made this new venture a necessity in Tracy's eyes. "I want to start an AlternativeBirthing Center for unwed mothers. The idea would be to give certain qualifying unwed mothers a safe haven where they can carry their babies, get an education, get a fresh start, and not rely on the kinds of situations they obviously didn't understand before they got pregnant."

"Would this be an out of pocket venture? A charity?"

"Not exactly. It would be an agency, one with options for those who find themselves in dire need. The girls could receive the counseling they need, the home they desperately have to have, and most of all the education they need to provide for their child and themselves. In return, they would be the mainstay, the counselors at the facility, they'd be the ones who worked it for several years to pay back what they got out of it. It would end up running itself."

"What a brilliant idea." Shanna declared.

"I have started looking for a building, and have talked to lawyers and doctors and others in the planning stages."

"So, you're quite serious about this, are you?"

"Oh, I'm very serious. Nothing could be more serious."

"But what about your music and your career?"

"What about it? My discs have gone to the tops of their respective charts in a matter of weeks. I'm not doing so badly. Michael has me launching a tour to promote when I get back, but I'm in no hurry."

"Yes, that is amazing what a comeback you've managed. Your dad is awestruck by your talent and intuition. He never stops talking about your projects, but this one takes the cake."

Tracy was pleased by the support she felt coming from Shanna, and nodded over Melia's head while she nursed her. Shanna turned back to her sewing and they both stared periodically out the full bay window overlooking the ocean and the cliffs, and the sheep in the lower pasture where Grandpa was pulling one of the boys with his horse and sled, and the other little boys coming along behind.

No children could be more adjusted, she thought, than these. Chris, Steven, and Kelly had fallen into the easy routine of Tracy's life like fish in water. She never missed play time, never missed meal-time or bedtime. Even though she'd never felt as challenged or as busy, she also knew her children were getting the quality care they needed. The babies were happy, bubbly fat little things, starting to crawl, to get into messes and to exhibit signs of individualism. Danny occasionally slept with her still, cuddling carefully into her side in the night when she managed to catch a few hours of rest. But then, once or twice she had awoken to find that the body curled next to hers was actually one of the other boys, and a bad dream, or a memory had moved them to seek comfort and she was always available.

And the memories retreated. Oh, they were there, always with her, like silent guardians of time, begging not to be forgotten, or set aside. Tears threatened at any time, but were easily controlled. A quick swipe was usually all it took to be back on track, and Tracy had become used to such moments of stark emotion, robbing her of clarity in the midst of her whirlwind distractions. It wasn't that she wasn't coping, it was simply that she was becoming the master of pushing it all aside. Would there come a day when it all came crashing down? Perhaps.

But for now....

*****