*****113:

Dear Richard,

Well, you will never believe what has happened. I have agreed to foster three little boys. Christopher, Steven and Kelly. They actually belong to a mutual friend of ours, yes, Austin. Did you know about these kids?

We knocked out walls between mom's and my places and connected them so we can go back and forth and everybody has a room. I talked to Michael, as usual, he thinks I am crazy, but the distraction is keeping me out of trouble. I never sleep anymore at all. More like I used to, you know?

I have started reading the Book of Mormon like you asked. I have never read it all the way through, but I find it gives me a sort of ease from my thoughts. It's not so much what is in the text, but what is in my heart as I read. I realized we will need to get the boys all their own scriptures tomorrow. Today was enough just to get out and surf, read and study on my own and then get Chris to first grade and settled in. Then I went to class with Steven, like I promised him and ended up staying the whole time. He was so shy and reserved. He was scared, and I don't blame him. After school, we all took snacks out on the beach and built sand castles and played in the water. The kids loosened up and told me a lot of what had been going on before they got taken away from their mother, and it's not a pretty sight. You can imagine. Anyway, after play time, we did go to the store and got stuff to make dinner, and Austin and Lisa came over to visit the boys. Because of the awkwardness between me and Lisa from the previous day, we stayed apart the whole time and did not speak to each other at all. They left around seven and I gave the boys all their baths, and nursed the twins and played with them for awhile. It's a lot of play time and clean up time. We read stories and then said prayers and I taught them songs and we sang for quite a while. This business of six kids is quite a little chore. I can see how having a daddy around would be an asset.

I work from nine to one every night, and then come back and write to you before bed. I am not tired anymore at all, but there is a darkness in me that I can't let the others see. I still find myself having startling memories that make me cry at the oddest of times. But, I will fill up even the memory time, as I am starting school myself tomorrow, during school time when the boys are all out of the house. I'll only be gone a couple of hours.

Oh, Richard, I hope your mission is going well. I think about you a lot when I am surfing, especially, when I have time. That's my quiet time, that's when I picture myself on your mission with you, a shared experience like you suggested. It helps the aloneness stay at bay. And you would say, how can a person with so many children and responsibilities feel alone, but I do. There is something missing in my life.

However, not to worry. Stay busy, I am thinking of you,

Tracy