106:

The shaking started and she felt it getting the best of her. Her eyes blurred, dripped, swam. She staggered out and wrapped herself in a towel. Got to go through the motions, she thought, just go through the motions. She dressed in sweats and a t-shirt. Then she went downstairs, trying hard not to tremble.

"Mom, thanks so much for watching them. I'll be okay, why don't you go back home for a couple of hours? We can hook up around ten or so? Is that good for you?" But she stayed on the stairs, so as not to be seen, knowing her eyes would give her away.

"Okay, honey. You want me to come over at ten?" she saw Lorraine's shadow moving toward the front door.

"Yeah, that would be awesome. Thanks so much." She said and heard the front door open and close gratefully. She went back up the stairs and into the girl's room. She went directly to their beds and stood there in the dawn. Melia was closest and her fingers found her little body unerringly.

"Mia, Mia, Mommy needs you." She held the stretching infant to her chest, letting the stretch-relax and the baby settle into her soft warmth. Tracy rocked on her heels, humming tunelessly.

I have to get through this. I have to hang on. I have to do it myself. I can... I can... I can....

*****

What to do? What to do? She pushed the stroller absently, the twins were bundled and awake, but warm and drowsy, she'd nursed them earlier, and then bundled them. She'd rocked them and cuddled them and played with them in the bath. Spent lots of quality time, that's all she had right now... quality time.... To sit and think....

Danny pulled his wagon ahead of her, once again filling it with things he found on the sidewalk: pebbles, leaves, pill bugs....

He was a contented child, she pondered. Easily entertained. He hummed all the time, much as she did, and she wondered if it was a learned behavior or a natural one. 

She should go back and finish her degree, she thought suddenly, then she could answer that question. She had two years left. She'd been out a year.... But she could pick it back up, even go there and live there, or else, if that were too out of the way, she could transfer to a college here, San Diego, or... Fullerton....

That sparked an interest, she nodded to herself. She could take a night class or two, or a morning class or two, either way, she could go back to school and finish. She'd at least have something...

She'd figure that out today, today was as good a day as any.

****

Lorraine volunteered to watch the children again so Tracy could go over and sit in the studio once again at nine. This time she was leaving all three children awake. Danny had taken a long nap earlier, so Tracy had played with the girls, getting them quite stimulated, and they hadn't all wanted to go directly back to sleep, so grandma was actually on full-time grandma duty. I have to work some, Tracy told herself. I have to be productive.

But what if the music is gone? What if I can't hear it ever again? What if it died with Raine and Steven?

She went upstairs and sat at the piano, Greg followed her. He sat behind her once again and leaned gently into her side. "So, you want to mess around?"

Her fingers found the keys, but the plunk, plunk wasn't even a pattern. She shook her head. "I need time." She said slowly, again a little mesmerized by the sudden absence of children, and the knowledge that she had to do this....

"I've known you long enough to know that time isn't necessary. You need inspiration."

She turned to look at him. And found him extremely close. Brown eyes stared into hers calmly, "Greg, I don't have any inspiration. Inspire me then..."

He scooted around and straddled the seat behind her, pushing her forward, and then wrapping his arms around her so he could reach the keys from either side of her. Then he began to play.

Tracy sat between his legs, watching in mesmerized stasis as his fingers manipulated the keys, gently, sweetly. She cocked her head to one side and listened. Then she closed her eyes and rested her head back against his shoulder. His breath on her cheek, and then on her neck. And then her fingers lifted and she began to fill in the notes.

"Yeah, baby." He whispered in her ear. "That's it, can you hear it?"

She shook her head. "No." She shivered, knowing she didn't hear it, but she could feel it, as he played, a song he'd obviously composed, she knew where it needed to go, just because of her training and it did kick in when it was thus called on.

He kept playing and she kept filling in, adding to it, letting the piano soothe her troubles. Letting the contact, albeit from behind, of another soul, also calm and soothe her.

They played that way for a long time. Together, she wouldn't play without him.

Jimmy joined them just sitting there on a stool, sometimes fiddling with his guitar, adding in a bit, complimenting, watching. These boys had been her backup for a couple of years, they were also background musicians for several other of Michael's bands, but they never got tired of being with Tracy.

It was the first time Greg had made a move the way he was, though, and he'd had reservations about doing it, until she'd basically asked him to. He'd thought of it earlier, talking to his brother about it. But hadn't the guts to try it until she had sat there plunking away as if her world had ended.

He knew her well enough to understand the inner genius that made her work with music.

He kept playing.... This was what it would take, he mused and saw Jimmy nodding as Tracy's head fell forward and her tears wet the keyboard and his hands. This is what it would take, perhaps hours, perhaps weeks, but if they were just patient...

*****